Failing Marriage?

[prttynpnk856]

Well, I am not sure where to begin it is a long but in essence short story. I was married barely over a year ago in the temple to a great man. We met just before his mission and were engaged two weeks after he came home and married a month later. During the time he was gone I made a mistake and repented (I am a convert).

This year has been the hardest time of my life. The day. before we got married he almost backed out and I am pretty sure I talked him back into it. I went to the temple crying because I did not know if he would be there He was not sure if he could fully trust me after I broke up with him and did what I did while he was gone. Our marriage was an uphill battle since the day we married. A week after we married we were FIGHTING and I was told by him he never wanted to marry me. This never went away. We argue so much, we argue about arguing. He would called me names and a few times got physical. It always went back to my mistake and how I ruined things. I have even left the house threatening never to comeback, that is how bad the fights got. I had my problems in the marriage too. I yell more and am more vocal about feelings. We never talked about certain things and this has created a problem. He expected me to quit school follow him to byu and start having kids and I saw it differently. Not to mention inlaws... He ended up joinging the army a few monthes ago. I never had an affair (by that I hope you know what I mean) but I found solace in another man. I guess my marriage left me feeling empty. No excuse though. I still have not moved to where he is. He says he is sorry but everytime a discussion does not go his way he says this is not what he wants either. It is repetition with us. We say we want to work and I will come down there and then we fight and he says he does not want this. I feel like I only bring out the worse in him and we cannot make eachother happy. We have had our good times but many bad.

I am not sure going down there is going to fix anything. I am scared to go down there. My marriage is not fun. He is my best friend though and I do love him but I feel this is not working. I am afraid of divorce. I am already emabarrassed to go to my home ward (members saw me out with the guy friend). I have not been to church in weeks and my husband just told me he started looking at pornography. Sorry to make this so long but I have no idea what to do and the only family I have is his family and it is too hard to talk to them. My family are not members.

[Gwen]

my short and to the point advise.... counsel with your bishop... go to your husband, get couples counseling... use the search feature on the site to look up advise to others who are also struggling... if you haven't yet, don't have kids till this is straightened out.

[NeuroTypical]

I only have two bits of advice:

1- For the love of Pete, whatever you do, DO NOT get pregnant until this all gets sorted out one way or another.

2- Sort this out one way or the other.

You mention "He would called me names and a few times got physical." Does that mean he hit you, or you hit him, or both?

LM

[momoftwobabies]

Affairs don't mean having sex. You could be having an emotional affair which is just as damaging.

If you are confiding in someone other than your spouse, you are having an affair. Stop now. You need to confide in someone like the bishop or a counselor. Not another man.

[applepansy]

Everyone has said it well. . . Both of you need to see your bishop! NOW! Don't wait. As for being afraid to go to church . . . well, go anyway. That is where you need to be. Do not assume what other people are thinking about you. Unless they verbalize it you really don't know.

applepansy

[Misshalfway]

After reading your post, I have a few feelings....

Both of you made the decision to get married. There are no victims here. If he wasn't sure, it was on him to postpone until his feelings were clear. I understand the pressure that wedding plans the money and social pressure can bring, but at some point both of you have to take responsibility for starting something.

It is clear that neither one of you are dealing with your differences very well. Whether or not your marriage survives, I think the way you are handling things must be addressed for the sake of both your characters. It takes two people to participate in the arguing and escalations. There really isn't in my mind an excuse for handling things this way. It is up to each person to deal with conflict and different expectations about marriage in healthy ways and if you haven't been taught those ways or you find yourself not possessing those tools, then it is your responsibility as a couple to get help and education so that you can settle your differences safely and peacefully.

It sounds like to me your H is young. I also wonder how flexible he is in terms of his ideology and expectations. Making life plans together means compromise and communication and the understanding and facilitating of both partners needs and wants. I think it is sad that because you disagree that you have chosen to fight the way you have. There are better ways to handle things.

Maybe you two need some time apart to clear your heads. I am not thrilled to hear about the porn thing. Is that a new development or a long time habit that is just now coming to light?? If you don't know, I would find out! It could explain a lot.

I don't know if your marriage will survive, but I do know that the ways you all are choosing to deal would swamp any marriage.

Good luck. Get help. Spiritual help and counseling from a good therapist. You guys made a commitment. I think now you two have to earn your way out of it if you can't save it.

Stay loving to yourselves and each other even if you disagree.

Edited November 5, 2008 by Misshalfway

[zookeeper]

Since all you can control is YOU...I suggest you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I also would suggest that you go to your husband now. You guys are a unit and need to heal as a unit. Hopefully he sees his bishop TODAY about the porn. Pray fervently and the barge will come up! (Either 6: 6-7)

[Dr T]

Sorry to hear of your situation. You sound really unsettled PRT. Things can get better they take work but things can get better. :)

[Rico]

I doubt your husband really started looking at pornography. He probably said it to "get even" with you.

I have several suggestions:

1) Kick the guy friend to the curb. You need to realize that he is a tool to help destroy your marriage. Lose his number and have no more contact.

2) Go to your husband. Tell him you love him. In your new ward, go with your husband to your new bishop.

3) Don't give up.

Now is the time to stand up for your marriage and do everything you can to save it. The alternative is that you let it fail.

[prttynpnk856]

I appreciate what all of you have said. But just in my own defense I know I was having an affair but I meant it was never physical but I realize it was emotional. And it has already ended. And as to the question who hit who.. he hit me. And as for the porn. I do not think it was to get even.. He has had issues and he even said it started with rated R movies. So... But thank you everyone

[Dr T]

Yeah I don't believe it was just to get even PRT. Just my opinion though...

[rachelbabe86]

I don't know how to send private messages yet, but if you get this, the person who posted this, feel free to send me a message anytime you want to talk. I am in a very similiar situation, and having someone to talk to who understands may help us both. I have been married 8 months, and we had our problems dating, but prayed and both felt God told us to get married, got married in the temple, 5 days later the bad, bad fights started, and no matter how much help we have gotten they have just exculated, and at a point like you where don't know if it is fixable or what to do to help the marriage. So send me a message if want to talk.