For those with marriage issues

[georgia2]

Personally I would rather my Young Woman was at church in a sweatshirt than at home in a dress, yes I would rather she was at church dressed neatly but above all I would rather she was at church. AMEN I used to borrow my Mum's dresses because I couldn't afford one, in hindsight would have been better in a sweatshirt and trousers as I wouldn't have felt so self conscience. A young Mum in flip flops and sweatshirt may have been wearing her best because she has spent everything she has on the kids, buying scriptures or something more important or spent so much time getting her family out or maybe she has had a morning where she didn't want to go and changed her mind about going at the last minute, know I have showed up wrinkled because have wrestled with not wanting to go, my decision was correct its better to be at church in wrinkles - like general authorities have said the smell of smoke or alchohol on someone. shows someone trying to go in the right direction. OF COURSE, AMEN There is that oft quoted story about the disheveled man that described how he had walked miles, waded through a river etc, sometimes the barriers aren't physical

Again I won't judge someone at the temple its between them and the Lord, what they are wearing maybe their best available at the time. I know we went to the LA Temple straight from the UCLA Hospital after my Father in Law died, we probably smelt a bit as we hadn't showered and it was hot, hadn't even had chance to brush my hair, but for my husband to have that time was the right thing to do.

What is important is that I know I did my best that Sunday or that Temple Trip, what others think isn't important they should be concentrating on themselves.

-Charley

YOUR POINTS ARE CERTAINLY VALID. In my comments I was talking in generalities. There are exceptions to all my comments, I think to some degree that women who don't fuss as much with their appearance are more secure. Personally I wouldn't go to church if I felt like I looked bad. This is a flaw and is consistent with my insecurities.

[hordak]

Then I read in the scriptures that we are to dress our best, that Heavenly Father DOES CARE how WE CARE! So I went back to what I had been taught as a child. Dress as if you knew you would meet Jesus when you got there. And when you think about it, isn't that what we are really doing?

I'll get off the soap box now.

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

This is the only scripture on appearance that I know of besides Paul telling Timothy not to let the women dress fancy.

[akindheart]

]Her advice on that video doesn't apply to everyone though. Its easy to take that advice when you have a couple of children and a career outside the home because you've already dolled yourself up for work anyways, But when you are at home all day with several children, your schedule and your priorities are different, so you may or may not be all dolled up when your husband comes home. And what about men. My husband comes home with drywall mud all over him and then after he takes a shower he just puts on what ever is comfortable and plops himself down on the couch. My husband and i very happy and do not care what the other looks like at the end of the day. It's how we treat each other that matters. the most to us..

My husband and I used to listen to Dr Laura and Dr Phil but now we just listen to each other

Edited January 7, 2009 by akindheart

[ruthiechan]

akindheart, I pretty much agree with you, but you know, the biggest thing is to take time for each other and to think about each other and how to please each other. You know service! And I think that was the point Dr. Laura was making in regards to the specific question that was asked.

I figure if I work to look nice (which doesn't necessarily mean all dolled up, but you know nice enough were you wouldn't be totally embarrassed if the UPS guy showed up at the door) for my husband when he comes home (basically, not wearing my pajamas) then on the days where I'm frazzled and tired with messy hair and an exasperated look or whatever he'll be more empathetic than he otherwise would be if I were always in grubs. It does make a difference.

I would hope that others reading this thread will judge Dr. Laura's opinions based on the what the General Authorities tell us.

Peace,

applepansy

Of course! We should do that when listening to anyone speak. So there's something we can agree on yes?

But you know, if people listened to the General Authorities, and I mean REALLY listened, then most of the "woe my marriage sucketh" threads would not be here. Sometimes it takes listening to someone who agrees with the GAs on this stuff giving you a verbal boot to the head, or giving more specific advice (like not saying to your wife, let's talk about how you've let yourself go, and focus on her positive attributes to help her feel good enough to want to or whatever), will help people get the clue on how to treat their spouses.

[Islander]

I figure if I work to look nice (which doesn't necessarily mean all dolled up, but you know nice enough were you wouldn't be totally embarrassed if the UPS guy showed up at the door) for my husband when he comes home (basically, not wearing my pajamas) then on the days where I'm frazzled and tired with messy hair and an exasperated look or whatever he'll be more empathetic than he otherwise would be if I were always in grubs. It does make a difference.

... I mean REALLY listened, then most of the "woe my marriage sucketh" threads would not be here.

"Woe, my marriage sucketh..."...HAHAHAHA that was just precious. I am saving this one in my funny quotes journal.

I tell my wife things like: "hey babe what happened to those jeans you had last week like so-and-so.." Man, next day I walk in the house, she got them on and... I can't wait to put the kids to bed...if you know what I mean...hehehe

[Elgama]

YOUR POINTS ARE CERTAINLY VALID. In my comments I was talking in generalities. There are exceptions to all my comments, I think to some degree that women who don't fuss as much with their appearance are more secure. Personally I wouldn't go to church if I felt like I looked bad. This is a flaw and is consistent with my insecurities.

:.bullhorn:I did get a bit on my soapbox sorry lol I just remember a time when my husband was going through his depression my Fibromyalgia was bad, and it was all we could do to actually get out to church no matter what we looked like.

Then I had some freaky internet stalker brought it up on a board I belonged to (amongst other things she showed up on other forums), and it actually stopped me going to church because I thought people were gossiping. Which is stupid of me it doesn't matter if they do or not.

-Charley

[applepansy]

Usually sound advice, if you set aside the backhanded jab. What, you hope "others" will follow the church, but those of us who like Dr. Laura aren't?

LM

No backhanded jab was intended. I've never gone wrong in measuring non-LDS advice givers by the standards set by the Church and the General Authorities. If you choose a differrent measuring tool that's your choice and I respect that.

applepansy

[akindheart]

To ruthiechan

Like I said before what Dr. Laura's has to say on the video does not apply to everyone. You have one child and from what i know of Dr. Laura, she has only one child. I myself had three difficult children and was just to busy with them by myself, without any help. My husband was more concerned about me as a human being than he was about how i looked at the end of the day, and our sex life was just fine. I know parents who are raising sick children who need their constant attention and are doing it without any support; and looking nice for their husband at he end of the day is the last thing on their mind.. I mean no disrespect but what Dr Laura is saying cannot apply to everyone. It all depends on your situation at home and how important looks are to you..

Also, there are other ways to please each other

Edited January 7, 2009 by akindheart

[Elgama]

No backhanded jab was intended. I've never gone wrong in measuring non-LDS advice givers by the standards set by the Church and the General Authorities. If you choose a differrent measuring tool that's your choice and I respect that.

applepansy

surely all should be measured by this -Charley

[georgia2]

I tell my wife things like: "hey babe what happened to those jeans you had last week like so-and-so.." Man, next day I walk in the house, she got them on and... I can't wait to put the kids to bed...if you know what I mean...hehehe

If those guys that complain would say stuff like this to their wives, I bet they would be diggin out those jeans and lots of other stuff too! If your man notices the small things you do you are more apt to keep on trying. Besides, women like that stuff too! ......if you know what I mean! heheheeh

[Elgama]

Like I said before what Dr. Laura's has to say on the video does not apply to everyone. You have one child and from what i know of Dr. Laura, she has only one child. I myself had three difficult children and was just to busy with them by myself, without any help. My husband was more concerned about me as a human being than he was about how i looked at the end of the day, and our sex life was just fine. I know parents who are raising sick children who need their constant attention and are doing it without any support; and looking nice for their husband at he end of the day is the last thing on their mind.. I mean no disrespect but what Dr Laura is saying cannot apply to everyone. It all depends on your situation at home and how important looks are to you..

I agree with this if you have one child you cannot comprehend the difference having 2 will make - I was warned how bad it got lol just couldn't imagine it... am about to have number 3. Right now with my 2 I am barely making it through the day, my priority before my husband walks through the door is dinner ready, children bathed and in PJs so we can have family prayer, and scripture ready and get kids in bed on time. Sometimes that may mean I have been in my own PJs all day, since we have all been sick for a month this is my first day during that time I have been bathed in the morning and dressed. He gets a wife who is showered, and flopped next to him on the sofa in clean PJs hair up etc most nights because he runs me a bath and puts the kids to bed, whilst i take it and shower. And is not adverse to helping me load the dishwasher. He also has my devotion and pride because when I am too tired for sex he cuddles me instead. Without his help this month even getting into clean PJs would have been an effort

If he starts saying about my weight etc then he gets a wife with poor self esteem and who feels overwhelmed.

-Charley

[BenRaines]

I am one of the luckiest men in the world. My wife raised four children. They are each about two years apart. When the last one was born we had six year old, four year old, two year old and newborn. I was working in sales that would require that I worked days and some nights. Every morning my wife gets up and first thing she does is takes a shower. Always dresses for the day. Never have I seen here in pjs past 8 am. Please I am not picking on anyone just singing the praises of my wife. She keeps an immaculate house, dinner is always ready at 5 pm. Once all the children were in elementary school my wife went back to school to earn her bachelors degree. She had all A except for one B earned her senior year. She did all this while keeping the house and taking care of four children ages six to twelve when she went back to school. She also was on the parents committee at the school and volunteered besides. She did all this while working in the YW program at church as a counselor or YW President.

My wife has never suffered from depression or had any medical condition other than four C-Sections.

I am a very lucky man. :)

Ben Raines

[BenRaines]

Oh yeah and she weighed 118 when I married her and now she is 128 lbs.

Ben Raines

[applepansy]

I am one of the luckiest men in the world. My wife raised four children. They are each about two years apart. When the last one was born we had six year old, four year old, two year old and newborn. I was working in sales that would require that I worked days and some nights. Every morning my wife gets up and first thing she does is takes a shower. Always dresses for the day. Never have I seen here in pjs past 8 am. Please I am not picking on anyone just singing the praises of my wife. She keeps an immaculate house, dinner is always ready at 5 pm. Once all the children were in elementary school my wife went back to school to earn her bachelors degree. She had all A except for one B earned her senior year. She did all this while keeping the house and taking care of four children ages six to twelve when she went back to school. She also was on the parents committee at the school and volunteered besides. She did all this while working in the YW program at church as a counselor or YW President.

My wife has never suffered from depression or had any medical condition other than four C-Sections.

I am a very lucky man. :)

Ben Raines

I agree Ben. You are a very lucky man. I think its great that your wife has been so successful. She sounds wonderful.

Sincerely,

applepansy

[applepansy]

Oh yeah and she weighed 118 when I married her and now she is 128 lbs.

Ben Raines

ok. . .how I'm jealous.

I weight 120 when we married. . . After four kids each about 3 years apart (but with three miscarriages in between) I weighed 125. Then. . . I got sick. Meningitis, which triggered Fibromyalgia. Then once you have one autoimmune disease others follow.

I still raised our kids, worked full time and took care of the house. Until 6 years ago.

I wish I was still 125 pounds POUT!

applepansy

[BenRaines]

My wife has only had to work full time in the home. No outside employment other than at the school with the kids but not employment.

Ben Raines

[beefche]

Oh yeah and she weighed 118 when I married her and now she is 128 lbs.

Ben Raines

Whoa....not too many women want the world to know their weight. You ARE lucky!

[Guest Alana]

I do think looking nice for your husband is important. When you have to choose between taking care of the kids and looking good for when your hubby gets home, of course you choose the kids.... but it isn't usually a choice. Most of the time I'm a mess when my husband gets home. The days I do comb my hair and put on a clean shirt, do a quick clean up in the living room and light a nice smelling candle, he does like it. Even if he doesn't conscientiously realize he likes it, I can tell he does. The days he comes home and I'm not looking my best I don't think he's thinking badly of me. I don't think it's a problem with a little bit of both. Sometimes I dress up and want to look nice, or even sexy. Other times I'm scrubbing poop off the ground when he gets there (thank you potty training!) If I never looked nice, he'd miss out on that, neither of us would reap the benefits of that. If I always had to look really good and it stressed me out, that would be an other problem.

I mean, he knows I'm watching kids all day and that it's hard and not very fashion friendly. He knows I get tired. This means that when I do make that extra effort, it means even more.

Back to Dr. Laura. She often polarized the issues. It's because she's trying to make a point. It's usually aimed at women. I just take the good points and leave the rest.

[ruthiechan]

Thank you Alana! Amen!

Looking nice when you can is only a part of the whole marriage thing. The crux of it is to think of ways to serve your spouse, to make your spouse feel loved and appreciated by you.

To ruthiechan

Like I said before what Dr. Laura's has to say on the video does not apply to everyone. You have one child and from what i know of Dr. Laura, she has only one child. I myself had three difficult children and was just to busy with them by myself, without any help. My husband was more concerned about me as a human being than he was about how i looked at the end of the day, and our sex life was just fine. I know parents who are raising sick children who need their constant attention and are doing it without any support; and looking nice for their husband at he end of the day is the last thing on their mind.. I mean no disrespect but what Dr Laura is saying cannot apply to everyone. It all depends on your situation at home and how important looks are to you..

Also, there are other ways to please each other

I'm not saying dress like a queen or for a night on the town (that's for date night). I'm saying don't always look like a slob. Many many women (and men too have done this btw) think they don't have anyone to impress anymore which it not true. They have their spouse to impress!

Just because I have only one child does not mean my comments are not valid or without worth. It's like saying just because I'm not a parent I don't understand children and can't offer advice which is simply not true. People without children can be a great resource. So, just because I only have one child does not mean I can not offer good marital advice.

I have been a preschool teacher and you wanna talk about stress, try handling a bunch of kids (15+) of varying ages. They are wonderful children, but after eight hours you get home and your bushed, then you gotta handle your own kid(s). I have also done private care and one family had five children from newborn to eight years old (each were about two years apart). That was a lot of work, especially at first because of course they tested me all over the place. I've also taken care of a child for 48 hours while my daughter was a baby. He was about three years old. So, I have a pretty good idea on what it would be like to have two, or more, children.

When you say, "and how important looks are to you" it makes people who care sound petty or superficial. EVERYONE appreciates things that look nice. Everyone. No one likes a bad painting, or an untended dried up garden. So therefore that is not a very fair comment to make.

I did mention that there are other ways to please one another, but I can tell you right now that pretty much no one wants a spouse who ALWAYS looks like a slob and doesn't bother to take care of themselves. If your husband is to the point where he's actively complaining about it, or writing to Dr. Laura, then clearly something is amiss. If you're a diamond inside a pile of dung people are going to complain about the smell, not look for what's underneath it all. . .

[ruthiechan]

"Woe, my marriage sucketh..."...HAHAHAHA that was just precious. I am saving this one in my funny quotes journal.

I tell my wife things like: "hey babe what happened to those jeans you had last week like so-and-so.." Man, next day I walk in the house, she got them on and... I can't wait to put the kids to bed...if you know what I mean...hehehe

Glad to be of service in the humor department.

My husband does the same thing only it's more like, "I really like it when you wear such and such" and as soon as I'm done with the cleanin' I've got it on.

[Guest Alana]

If you're a diamond inside a pile of dung people are going to complain about the smell, not look for what's underneath it all. . .

My daughter was looking for it today. She pooped on the ground and was poking it with a straw.

[interalia]

Oh man, I watched it and it got me steamed - primarily from the implication (and perhaps I read too much into it) that if you, as a woman, do not make yourself appear the way your husband wants you to, then you will somehow drive him to look at other women or pornography.

If that is what the implication is, then that is dead wrong! Men (and women I have to add) look at pornography because they have objectified the people they are looking at. They have turned them into objects of lust! I wouldn't want to be the object of my husband's LUST - it means I'm no longer human to him!

I wonder if she would give the same advice to the guys who are also letting themselves go?

Argh!!!

[akindheart]

Oh yeah and she weighed 118 when I married her and now she is 128 lbs.

Ben Raines

And I am a very lucky woman because my husband loves me through thick or thin - pun intended -

[Elgama]

And I am a very lucky woman because my husband loves me through thick or thin - pun intended -

me too my issue with this isn't we shouldn't make an effort, but that the effort that a couple makes should be together not just one doing etc. Or if a partner wants something to change then instead of bringing down a partner, they should set the example and build them up. I would hate to be like the wom.en I grew up around who went into panic overdrive at 4.30pm because husband would be home in an hour and everything needs to be perfect. I appreciate nothing more than last night when I was able to say love I am at the end of all I can give right now sorry just sit with me a bit

There is nothing in my marriage that brings about dread of my husband coming home, whereas I worry that Dr Laura's talk or rather the husband's comments,. may actually turn Daddy's joyous home coming into something of a whirlwind and panic. I appreciate no matter what state we are in I can say excitedly to the kids at 4.30pm hey Daddy will be home in an hour and mean it is exciting.

I actually right now weigh less than when my husband married me - he's never seen me at my pre 21 weight of 98lbs he has seen me at over 140lbs - right now minus bump reckon I am back to about 110lbs not sure he looks at me with anymore desire.

If I was giving the same advice as her based on the intial question it would be to the husband. by her flowers, if she asks for $10 give her $20, compliment her on the bits you do love, run her a bath, maybe offer to pay for a hairdresser appointment and you watch the kids whilst she goes. Offer to cook a healthy meal for 2 couple of times a week. Maybe say love we have money left over this month would you like a new dress? and this is based on a general authority quote

I would love to be like Ben's wife and sometimes I am like that, sometimes I am me. my husband takes it all....

-Charley

Edited January 8, 2009 by Elgama

[NeuroTypical]

I wouldn't want to be the object of my husband's LUST - it means I'm no longer human to him!

Well, let's be careful how we define the term. As is often the case, the dictionary gives us more than one definition:

1. intense sexual desire or appetite.

2. uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.

3. a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power.

4. ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish: an enviable lust for life.

Seems to me that #2 and maybe #3 is what you are (rightly, IMO) opposed to. But it seems to me that #'s 1 and 4 are not only expressions of a normal, God-given sex drive, but part of a male's makeup. Meaning it travels with him like his own toes, and he couldn't do anything to get rid of it if he tried. It seems to me a wife would prefer #'s 1 and 4 gets pointed her way instead of some other direction, since it will end up pointed somewhere...

LM