Going to "bed" angry

[Misshalfway]

Forgive me for not reading the entire thread. I will just comment on the OP.

I have never liked the "don't go to bed angry" advise. First of all, some problems can't be ironed out that fast. Some problems need a little noodling....maybe some space to think things thru and to rethink what ones partner has said in a solitary way is a good thing. I find that discussing big problems or emotional clashes at night is problematic because both parties are usually tired and more prone to lose their cool or say things without thinking first.

I find that a good preliminary discussion followed by some deliberation time and a little sleep opens the window to new insights and better problem solving the next day.

I also want to say that all couples have conflict. Sometimes the conflicts are deep and serious. Sometimes they arise because one or both of the parties haven't learned to tame selfishness or have forgotten how to listen and negotiate. Sometimes it is the conflicts that help to humble us....help to open our ears to things we need to hear or perhaps might be there to show us that our old way of solving problems won't work anymore and we need to be more creative.

I guess what I am saying is the the whole business of problem solving and conflict resolution in marriage isn't as simple as "plaster a smile on your face before you go to bed....say I love you to cover real feelings....and deny the struggle to effective solutions because it would be "bad" if we all didn't act happy and peaceful all the time." And sometimes solutions don't come in the moments we need them to.

Maybe we all need to learn to be less reactive when others we love don't see things the way we do or the way we think they should. Perhaps we should be more teachable or at least able to listen in patience. Solutions don't always come and the "perfect" feelings don't always come when we need them. We need time.....time to think...time to soul search.....time to grow.....and time to let Heavenly Father work things out or order and provide the way he has promised. Sometimes it is the longer termed struggles that have great importance in our eternal progression and it is the gift of conflict with our loved one that brings us to refinement....if we let it, of course.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Misshalfway

[Faded]

I guess the bigger issue is that he doesn't trust that I have been honest with him. Looks like we have a lot of discussing to do.

CRITICAL that you get this sorted, figured out, done and over with before you get married. Going into the marriage with one partner suspecting the other of so past trangression or who knows what, and the other resenting them for it their suspicion. Pretty good formula for a very short marriage.

As to the main question -- Going to bed angry vs Sleeping on it -- I should hope you have enough feedback here to see there are a lot of people who do better your way and there are a lot of people that handle it your fiance's way. To say that there is a right or wrong way is silly, but it's tricky to solve.

[Islander]

Forgive me for not reading the entire thread. I will just comment on the OP.

I find that a good preliminary discussion followed by some deliberation time and a little sleep opens the window to new insights and better problem solving the next day.

I also want to say that all couples have conflict. Sometimes the conflicts are deep and serious. Sometimes they arise because one or both of the parties haven't learned to tame selfishness or have forgotten how to listen and negotiate. Sometimes it is the conflicts that help to humble us....help to open our ears to things we need to hear or perhaps might be there to show us that our old way of solving problems won't work anymore and we need to be more creative.

I guess what I am saying is the the whole business of problem solving and conflict resolution in marriage isn't as simple as "plaster a smile on your face before you go to bed....

I agree. Sometimes you visit your doctor for a quick checkup. Sometimes it is serious and expensive business.

[ruthiechan]

CRITICAL that you get this sorted, figured out, done and over with before you get married. Going into the marriage with one partner suspecting the other of so past trangression or who knows what, and the other resenting them for it their suspicion. Pretty good formula for a very short marriage.

Amen and AMEN.

To the OP:

If he does not trust you now he's not going to trust you when you get married. You two need to talk to the Bishop about this. At the very least, you talk to the Bishop alone about this and the Bishop will likely call your fiance into his office (sometimes ambushing is good). Pray about whatever tact is best, but I feel very strongly that you need to talk to your Bishop about this.

It's like he's trying to dig up a beautiful garden to find the trash underneath it. When you do that you ruin the garden.

[Elgama]

If he cannot forgive and forget things you did not do to him how does he plan on resolving issues that do effect him? If you can get hold of a copy of the old manual achieving a celestial marriage and work through it together it may help, if not the Eternal Marriage is good but more of a reference book than a discussion course

Amazon.com: Achieving a Celestial Marriage: Student Manual: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: Books

I will be eternally grateful for the area authority who felt that as we had over 40 YSA in our stake most over 21 and none dating we needed to do the Celestial Marriage course I know nothing blesses our marriage more than having had the opportunity to really study what the prophets have said about marriage and discuss it with others. My husband and I worked through it before our marriage and I know it again blesses us as a couple it gave us a chance to discuss issues beforehand and a lot of things that would be an issue for some couples have never needed to be raised.

OK original question, there is a huge difference between going to bed angry and going to bed with the problem not fixed yet. You don't have to fix the problem to resolve the anger, forgive and forget any pain and to say I love you. You can go to bed repentant and ready to sort the problem.

When my husband and I have a difference of opinion that is going to affect our spirit we never go to bed without couple scriptures study and prayer, and he will give me a blessing. Then we can do what we have been advised to do and have a couple counsel on the matter that is the problem at a later date, we set a time, have a nice dinner together, the meeting should have an agenda, and begin with a prayer, and end with a prayer. We also usually sing a hymn and read scriptures.

As Latter Day Saints our marriages are kind of like Prince Charles and Lady Di without the adultery, there are 3 people in our marriage, Heavenly Father, Husband and Wife and we need to involve Him where there is conflict, and also use the priesthood we have in our homes. It allows my husband to fulfill his priesthood responsibility as head of the home without exercising unrighteous dominion.

So brief summary no you don't have to resolve everything in marriage right now this second but I agree with 'never go to bed angry;

-Charley

[MarginOfError]

Okay, MOE is jumping into the fray. I'm going to go through and say a bunch of things related to the field of Communications. "What!?" you say, "I thought MOE was a math nerd. What does he know about communication!?" Well, I'll have you know that while I majored in mathematics, I minored in Communication theory. I learned some really interesting things pursuing that minor that I will share with you here.

For starters, the advice to "never go to bed angry" can be a god send, or it can be catastrophic. It depends on the people involved. The crux of the issue is that different people handle conflict in different ways. Some manage conflict by stewing on it until they come upon a solution. Some want to talk about it endlessly. Some want to sleep on it and take on the challenge well rested. Others like to engage in argument. There are many styles of managing conflict that range on a scale from passive to aggressive. The never-go-to-bed-angry style is an aggressive style of conflict management that doesn't work well for people who prefer passive conflict management.

Why is this important? John Gottman has done a great deal of research into how married couples manage conflict. He's also done research into why marriages fail. In one of his studies, he found that the single largest predictor of a failed marriage is partners having different conflict management styles. Your fiance, for example, appears to have an aggressive style while you have a passive style. So when conflict arises in your relationship, at least one of you isn't able to manage the conflict in a way that makes them comfortable. This creates more conflict and exacerbates the original problem.

This doesn't mean that couples with opposing styles are doomed for failure. Many couples with opposing styles succeed. But the key is that they learn to manage conflict with a mutual style. Essentially, they agree about how they are going to argue. Once they have this agreement, when conflict arises, they manage it with clear expectations and with great success.

So that's the conflict management. Go to bed angry, don't go to bed angry, it doesn't matter as long as you both agree. Oh, and always go to bed together. The whole sleeping on the couch thing isn't all that healthy. You're partners in good times, you're partners in bad times. Show your commitment to each other by going to bed together every night.

Now, about the other thing--the fact that your fiance is pressing you for details of your past. Fortunately, you're not married to him, and you can still change your mind. I'm not necessarily saying you should, but I would recommend you be very careful in this decision.

Your fiance does have a right to know a little about your past. Have you had sexual relations? Have you engaged in any behaviors that would put you at risk for diseases, etc? These are things that affect him and he has a right to know. He does not, however, need to know anything about who or what happened. His behavior appears to me to be the mark of a jealous streak that I would be cautious to trust my emotions to.

If you were my daughter, and I were to counsel you with what I know now, I would say make sure that your wedding is at least 6 months away. Have a serious discussion with him about how you will manage conflict, and make it clear that you will not discuss details of past transgressions. If he insists that you must not go to bed angry, and tries to use the Gospel to justify that, then I would call it off. Such manipulation is not a good quality in a spouse. If his behavior doesn't improve significantly within four months, then I would advise calling it off.

Disclaimer: This is my advice based on what I know. I fully admit my knowledge is incomplete and only you can know how best to apply any principles or advice that may be contained in my comments. I also fully admit that my comments are based on my academic training. If you do not feel the confirmation of the Spirit, you should ignore it. I'm open to more discussion and refining of comments and wish you the best. Seek counsel from your parents and priesthood leaders; they know you better than I do and will have valuable insight for you.

Best of luck. Let me know if you have any questions.

[Hemidakota]

"Your fiance does have a right to know a little about your past."

Good to see the disclaimer was added MOE...what I can attest too, she is convert and far as the Lord is concern, her past is now removed by the Atonement of Christ. He has no cause for interrogation of the past. If she is moved by the Spirit to reveal it, so be it.

[MorningStar]

I think everyone handles it differently. If I don't work it out right away, I will agonize all night and not be able to sleep. I would rather get it over with, but others might feel like they are just too tired.

[MarginOfError]

"Your fiance does have a right to know a little about your past."

Good to see the disclaimer was added MOE...what I can attest too, she is convert and far as the Lord is concern, her past is now removed by the Atonement of Christ. He has no cause for interrogation of the past. If she is moved by the Spirit to reveal it, so be it.

I agree with you, Hemi, but that's why I said he is only entitled to generalities that could potentially involve his health. I actually will stick by that one.

Then again, these are simple yes and no questions I'm talking about. the conversations would be something like

"Have you engaged in sexual activity?"

Answer either yes or no.

"Have you engaged in activities that would put you at risk for STD's?"

Answer either yes or no.

"Have you been tested for STD's?"

Answer either yes or no.

End of conversation. That really isn't much disclosure, and I am adamant that he is entitled to this and no more.

aluvsd4ever, please forgive me if this post seemed excessively insensitive. I felt that to bring my point across I had to disassociate from the personal nature of the situation.

[Misshalfway]

I think everyone handles it differently. If I don't work it out right away, I will agonize all night and not be able to sleep. I would rather get it over with, but others might feel like they are just too tired.

I feel like this sometimes too. Perhaps in the areas of problem solving in marriage and close relationships that we have lots of tools in our tool belts to handle all varieties of problems and the individual needs of the moment.

[Misshalfway]

I don't know Moe...... jealousy is a human emotion. You know... the consequences of sin don't go away just because we repent. Guilt is swept away, but sometimes the ripples of our choices go into the future.

Rather than withholding trust from someone who might be experiencing emotion that might be jealousy or fear because of some life history or fear that the past will somehow compromise the future, I think that it might help to proceed with gentleness. Each partner IS entitled to individual emotional reactions. Emotions aren't good or bad..... they just ARE and we have to let each person work WITH there emotions. If one party reacts negatively or even selfishly it doesn't necessarily mean that we should chuck the person out with the bathwater. What it means is that time is needed and maybe patient processing so they can TOGETHER move past the issue and into the future.

I don't know what that means in terms of disclosing the details of personal history. Perhaps this man needs to ask some questions. Perhaps more information is better than what imagination does to the not knowing. Perhaps there are details that are sacred that need to remain in the past, but I think it is wrong to think that our pasts don't effect our marriage partners. Our pasts, whatever they are and whatever we have done with them, shape who we are and what we do and how we do it. When you are committing your life to someone and laying trust out there in vulnerability, I feel more information is better than finding out important information later when too much time and too much pain is created. Better to deal with the issue now and follow it patiently and wisely (as you MOE articulated so beautifully) to closure so they can move forward into the trust of marriage with no hidden enemy waiting to surface.

Truth always bubbles up. We can't hide from it. It will find its way to the light some way, some how, some time and it isn't fair to an unsuspecting fiance to hide important information. And I think it is perhaps unrealistic and even a bit unfair to put iron fences on our past actions when we are asking someone to trust us in such a profound way. I guess in my opinion there must be some kind of mutual respect here.....respect for what shouldn't be shared and respect for what should even if one doesn't want to go there.

[applepansy]

There has been a lot of good advice and some great personal stories illunstrating that everyone has a different style of conflict resolution. Between you both, there needs to be an agreed upon set of rules regarding disagreements, prior to marriage.

There is one big Elephant in this discussion. Faded and Moe pointed it out. TRUST. There has to be trust before you get married. If the issue of your past cannot be worked out sufficient for your boyfriend to trust you, then most definitely do not marry.

I agree with Hemi and MOE, but I lean more towards MOE. Only things that will affect the future or health issues need to be disclosed. Getting into the nitty gritty, sometimes ugly errors made in life, will not, repeat NOT, help build trust. Especially if your boyfriend is jealous.

(There is a Mormon Genre movie that deals with this issue. . . I can't remember if it was Charley or another one with the same actress.)

Anyway, If God has forgiven us of our sins, our future spouse doesn't have the right to not forgive us. Stop. . .backspace. . . retype. . . We are all REQUIRED to forgive. We're being rather presumptuous if we don't forgive someone who the Lord has already forgiven. I'd really hate to be in the position of not forgiving someone who I know the Lord has forgiven. Wow!!! How do you explain that one at judgement day?

Try to not let anger intrude when trying to resolve this issue. Anger will just escalate the problem. Rather, decide on the "rules of engagement" or "how to fight fair." Then discuss without anger and recrimination. Either he trusts you, God, the Atonement, etc., or he doesn't.

Good Luck,

applepansy