here i go...

[LilylovesJesus]

As if I need another reason to be on the internet late at night, but this is surely more worth while than facebook.

I joined the church five years ago after meeting an inactive returned missionary who shared my love of live music and bourbon. I soon found that his love for the gospel was paramount, and as I inquired of the church, he came back to full activity.

The Stake President baptized me. I knew the church was true when I went into his office and he spoke....I felt God speaking through him. I knew the church was true when I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly in that office, and after years of substance abuse and addiction, I was able to go home that night, and from that moment on, I had no desire whatsever to drink, smoke, or harm my body in any way.

I am married with two children. We were sealed. My husband is actually well known on this website. He is a brilliant man who loves this Gospel so deelpy.

Knowing myself and my history, I always worried I might lose my testimony. This past year has been the hardest year of my life thus far for reasons I need not get into. Adversity has found me and the snoball just gets bigger by the day.

I have let go of the rope a few times. I have given up. Currently I am barely hanging on. I am tempted to ask to be released from a stake calling. I feel I don't deserve to hold a calling when my faith is so weak.

Every day I think about having a drink. Every day I think about self medicating in some way. I am no stranger to depression, but this is the first time I have had a case of it since joining the church.

I am a musician and an actor. It is hard to be Mormon in this industry, but I've never struggled with it until recently. That's another post another day...

Let me be clear though....I want to believe. I want so badly to feel worthy...to feel special in God's eyes and to make him proud. I want to be a good person.

I do not have many friends in our ward, or stake for that matter. I am hoping that by talking to other church members, I can rediscover my faith...my testimony.

Oh, and my profile picture? I took my four year old to an art museum and we stopped to admire this photo of Iggy Pop. She said, "Look Mommy, it's Jesus."

[prospectmom]

Keep holding on..... Pray , study and believe we will never be givin more than we can handle..... You are very precious and you need to look to the positives more than the negatives. I am also struggling... the feeling of just giving up is sometimes so overwhelming... Breath.. deep long breaths... pray and believe You will get answers, comfort and help sometimes from the most unlikly source. Welcome to the site....

[pam]

If your husband is who I think it is...he is an awesome guy. Hang in there....don't give in to the temptions.

[LilylovesJesus]

Moses started out as a basket case.....LOVE IT!!!

Thanks for the reply. I am so excited that someone actually read my post....it's nice to know people want to listen. Wow.

[Palerider]

Ask for a Blessing.....it will help you.....:)

[LilylovesJesus]

You know, the funny thing is.....my motivation for being "good" is all backwards. I don't want my husband to worry about anything else right now, and I don't want to dissapoint him. I am more afraid of the stigma of breaking the word of wisdom...it's like I have lost sight of WHY I should keep the comandments. I have no interest in my own salvation right now...but I am afraid to dissapoint the Stake Presidency. I have this crazy idea that God is sort of put off with me right now, and he has no reason to really swoop down and help me out....I think he is waiting for me to do something, but I have prayed. I have prayed and prayed. That's how it all started. I believe in the prayers others have on behalf of me...but I have no faith in my own prayers....sigh...

I just can't tell you how strong temptation is for me right now. It's all I can think about.

Fast and tesimony is tomorrow and I have anxiety about it. I used to be up there every month. Now I'm trying to thik of excuses not to go.

It's hard being a mother when I feel like such a silly child right now. I need to just snap out of it and pull myself together. Good grief!

[LilylovesJesus]

UGhhhhhh...me me me me me. Just re-reading my post....me..I...me...I... This is the problem.

[pam]

Lily you are not the first nor will you be the last to have such feelings. Sometimes we feel so overwhelmed..so inadequate we THINK we are not worthy of help from our Heavenly Father. But the reality is..that's when we need His help the most.

It's Satan that leads us down that path of uncertainty. He knows you have a strong grip of the gospel, that he'll use anything to take you away from it including those urges for the substances.

[gabelpa]

Lily, I know the place you are coming from, as I've been there myself. Depression is a . If Satan can convince you that you are unworthy of repentance, unloved as a Child of God, and of no Eternal worth, then he can do with you as he wants.

For me, I still have trouble feeling unworthy, and worthless. It is difficult, but with the loving support of those around you, it's possible to keep your head above water, and to make progress. Your husband should be your first port of call, if you haven't already done so yet, talk to your husband about what you are feeling. Get a blessing from him, with consecrated oil. You don't need a comfort blessing. You are in need of a blessing that requires the application of the Atoning blood of the Saviour.

Your husband's involvement is paramount. He is the patriarch of your home, and entitled to Revelation for your home. Heavenly Father can tell him exactly what you need, what he can do, and who else to ask for help.

[Mirium]

Lily, please hang in there, keep talking to Heavenly Father even if you think He is not listening, even if you cannot feel his presence, keep talking to Him. He loves you. Take one day at a time. Keep talking about how your feeling even if its just on line.

If you are able, follow gabelpa's advice.

I too have had similar feelings to you. I find that when I feel tempted talking about it helps to control it. You are of worth, that is why Satan works so hard to destroy what we have.

Just remember your not alone. I will pray for you.

[LilylovesJesus]

Thank you everyone. I will ask my husband for a priesthood blessing as soon as I figure out how to GET HIM OFF OF THIS WEBSITE!!!!! He told me a few moments ago that he was in "deep thought," so that means he is having some deep doctrine conversation with a total stranger while his wife is about to sneak off and break the word of wisdom!!!!!!! jk....but not really....

[LilylovesJesus]

A- Chugga Chugga CHOO CHOO!!!!!!

He has no idea I'm even on here...unreal!!!

Love him, just saying...

[Roland]

Dear Lily,

you´ve been in the german part. Why? From Thomas S. Monson I learned to

listen to the spirit and to follow the whispering voice during the last decades.

Did you partake in my poll? please do it before reading my next post.

Furthermore you had a burning question: ...about homosexuality....

I´ll answer to this - because perhaps there is an association between my

poll, your challanges and and your burning question.

Have a good time

Roland

p.s.: When did you receive your last blessing with consecrated oil?

Did you know how to consecrate the oil?

Read this and tell me what you think about point 4.

From the Manual for Priesthood Holders, Part B

Performing Priesthood Ordinances: Consecration of Oil

One or more Melchizedek Priesthood holders must consecrate olive oil before

it is used to anoint the sick or afflicted. No other oil may be used. To do this,

a priesthood holder:

1. Holds an open container of olive oil.

2. Addresses Heavenly Father.

3. States that he is acting by the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood.

4. Consecrates the oil (not the container) and sets it apart for anointing and

blessing the sick and afflicted.

5. Closes in the name of Jesus Christ.

LDS.org - Melchizedek Priesthood Chapter Detail - Performing Priesthood Ordinances

[jolee65]

I have been a member since 2001 not much longer and before I became a member of the church I smoked and drank, I can beat myself up all the time for thinking about how i would love to go have a drink with a friend or when things get to intense how a smoke would take the edge off.

Its harder to take that first drink or to take that first drag then you think, once your faced with it. I went to lunch with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago shes drinks every now and then and that time she did have a drink but when she asked what I would like I said water with lemon.

Its the flesh that craves the things from our past, and the adversary also knows our weaknesses and our misery gives him strength. when you have a hard time shaking off that feeling to drink or smoke take a deep breath and go do something, find a scripture for the day , do what it is you love to do , read, work in the yard, take the dog for a walk, these are a couple of the things I like to do, I even thought of a new one for the summer our town has put in paved trails that go for miles, im getting a pair of roller blades and a new leash for the dog and we're going for a long run , lol

Its not easy for people that lived of the world , I did but if it wasnt drinking and smoking it would have been something else like I said he knows our weaknesses.

Keep coming back, try to keep your calling, keep pushing forward.

Edited March 5, 2009 by jolee65

[jolee65]

I hope this doesnt sound offensive, but that pic of iggy gives me the creeps,..lol

that doesnt look loving.

[Guest missingsomething]

Lily,

Thank you for your honesty. The one thing I think most members struggle with - is forgiving themselves. It is a powerful tool that Satan has on his side. Keep us hating ourselves, feeling unworthy, and isolated. There is not one member of the church - the whole way up to the Prophet who has not found themselves in the situation that requires us to get down on our knees and pray for strength and forgiveness. Your vices maybe different but in the Lord's eyes you are on equal footing. You have a Father in Heaven who loves you, you chose to come to this world to prove yourself and improve, and you have a Savior, who didnt expect you to be perfect, that came to give you a way back.

It helped me so much to realize that the Savior actually suffers our hurt, our sins, our pains, our saddness with us. He completely understands. Believe it or not, you are much better off than a lot of people because you realize you need strengthened. It sounds to me like your biggest issue is not your testimony weakening, but rather, your self worth has erroded.

Don't beat yourself up over mistakes. If you can, read the Miracle of Forgiveness-even if you have already read it. And dont try to conquer Rome in a day. One thing at a time... for now, PALE is very wise in asking for a blessing - pray for the reassurance to remember your faith. Ironically, I had a thought - perhaps you should try to have the missionaries over to your home to teach some lessons to investigators?

Finally - (I'll end my novel)... there are many here that feel isolated in their own wards - for one reason or another - a lot of times this is our feelings, not the others... but without support it is easier to let Satan grab hold and pry our hands from the rod- one finger at a time. But remember - it doesnt matter how far off course you get - just start walking back because the Rod will be there! It isnt moving. And enjoy your new support group of friends! Its wonderful here.

[Roland]

Hello Lily

If you look at all the (for example) 30,000,000,000 children of god

that elected the plan of Jehova and evaluate how they follow that

plan then you see that some of them are very anxious to do their

best and some switched to the opposite and worship Lucifer.

Due to the freedom of choice it is possible. On the other side many

of the fallen angels would like to leave the army of Lucifer but they

don´t know how. They regret their decision. They still have their

freedom of choice and they are still our brothers and sisters.

In the bible you can read about more than 50 miracles that Jesus did.

More than 20 of them are about healing by casting out the unclean

spirits (devils, demons). Anyway how you call them, they are our

brothers and sisters. Some of them are really bad and some of them

just hide themselves in human beings to be far away from Lucifer.

But they have an influence on the person and make the person weak

and ill. And if a female spirit is inside of a male person it may have

an effect on his sexual preference. Especially if there are many spirits

in a person.

It is not necessary to find out if there is another spirit in a person.

Considering that there are 15,000,000,000 (these values show only

the relation) spirits and just 6,000,000,000 humans you see that the

probability that a person has some other spirits inside is by 75%..

Brigham Young said: If a person is ill, the protection shield becomes

weaker and spirits can enter and thereafter they potentiate the illness.

There are several actions that you can do against the bad influence but

one of the most effective is blessing and anointing with consecrated oil

(for…the ill and afflicted). We should do it more often - even if we feel

“only a little ill”.

PLease read this also: Addiction Recovery Program

Types of Addictions: Alcohol, Drugs, Tobacco, Coffee and tea …

Any questions?

Roland

[Maya]

Hi Lily, welcome. I am glad you are here ... and THIS thread IS all about you! You wnat to write somethign else, that you can do in an other thread ... this is YOUR intro! Here we can have just me me mee... ops I mean you, you , you!!

This net side is a good place to learn more about our HF and the gospel. I hope you enjoy that besides the mixing...