Spouse cheated--need to talk to someone who understands!!!

[Cadley]

Let me begin by saying that the affair was a symptom of a bad marriage, not the cause. Married 5 years (in the temple), 2 kids, marriage has been rocky for about 3 of those years, and terrible the last year. We had some brief counseling from our former bishop a little over a year ago, but not much came of it. I have been contemplating divorce for some time, and was almost relieved when I found out he was cheating, because it seemed so final and difinitive, and I wanted out. We called the bishop, (who I might mention is the most compassionate man I have ever known), he came over and spoke to us both. He gave me the best advice I ever heard, which was that when we go to the temple and make covenants, we do it only with the Lord's permission, and when we choose to break those covenants, we need the Lord's permission to do that. He advised me to go to the temple, and ask for direction, and promised me that whatever the outcome, if I followed the Lord's guidance, the Lord would support me through what was to come.

The impressions I received were: 1. it was not time to make that decision yet 2. I needed to allow my husband to make reconciliation, and that he needed to take the primary initiative to heal the relationship. 3: while I had tried many times to work on our marriage, I could not honestly say that I had done everything I could do, and that I needed to put in my sincere best effort before I could leave this marriage.

Endowment sessions were all full when I attended, so I opted for a sealing session to remind myself of the coventants I had made there. I was blessed to see a woman I knew be sealed to her parents, and I remember thinking how sad it was that I wanted to end this covenant that so many people don't have the opportunity to take part in during their lives.

I went home recommitted to the marriage. The same day, my husband went to his girlfriend's house to break up with her, and get his stuff back. A few days later, we found out the girlfriend was pregnant with my husband's child. I will say rather guiltily that in my confused emotional state, the first thing that came to mind was how tight money was already, and now we will have to pay child support.

The following Sunday, we visited the stake president. He gave us some counsel, and some assignments, which I followed, but my husband didn't. I thought maybe I was just being selfish and blind, and didn't see his efforts, so I continued to do my best, and watched to see if I was missing anything my husband was doing. We returned to the stake president's office two weeks later, and my husband admitted that he hadn't been trying because he had found my journal, and read it, and thought if I really felt the way I wrote in my journal, there wasn't any point. I went home feeling very discouraged, but later that night, talked to my husband, and felt like we came to some understanding. Three more weeks have gone by. I have been looking for opportunities to serve my husband in small ways, I have left him love notes and letters, thanked him for every small thing he does, even if it's some mundane thing he should be doing every day. A few nights ago, I talked to him. Asked if I was just missing the things he was doing, and he admitted he hasn't really been doing anything. We had a long talk, which I won't explain in detail because I'm already pushing the limits with length here. The jist of it was that he was hurting a lot from all the mess that's been going on in the last 3 years of our marriage, and he's not ready to be close to me, it's going to take time. We talked over a lot of the hurts, and our different perspectives on things, and I feel like I understand him a lot better, but I don't see how time is going to make things better if he's not even trying. I also feel like he is trying to negate all the pain I have felt, as if all my attempts to heal this marriage haven't been difficult and even frightening.

After all I have done the last several weeks, I have finally gone from feeling hurt and anger, and a strong desire to get out, to feeling love, compassion, and a desire to reconcile, but it's also made me very vulnerable. Now instead of considering losing a man I am constantly angry with, I am afraid of losing the man I love.

Please, anyone out there who has been through this, I just need someone to talk to. I feel so alone.

[Blessed2bLDS]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this...Sadly, my husband cheated on me as well...we were not members of the church and we were not in an eternal marriage, so that part I cannot help with...but I know your pain, anger, hurt, anger, tears, anger...My husband's afair produced a child as well...as a matter of fact his (well, I can't be a good Christian and put what I call her in this so we will call her his...) horse showed up at our daughter's first birthday to let everyone, including me know that she was pregnant to my husband...his daughter's are a year and 6 months apart in age...we were supposed to be working on a reconsiliation and he was still having a relationship with her...I was angry with him for lying and killing our family...I was angry with her because she knew that my husband was married and that did not matter to her...she wanted him and she stopped at nothing to get him...so I feel your pain...I will pray that you get through this and that it will strengthen you and not tear you down more...Just know that you are strong enough to get through this and to come out of it a stronger women, mother, daughter-of-Heavenly Father...also keep in mind that Heavenly Father is not punishing your...we know conscieously that he is not, but when you are in the depths of pain that small part of your will doubt...push it away and don't let the adversary get in and make that seed of doubt grow...I will check with you later to see how you are, until then hang in there...your Sister in Zion, Dianna =0)

[GingerGolden]

Oh goodness, I wish there was a "Hug" button here to click, I'd send you one.

So a cyber hug will have to do.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this.

I do pray you will find the solution for your family and just know that you are not alone...

[mamaputter]

so sorry to hear all this. i think blessed had some great advice. remember to do everything you can. don't let the adversary over power you or your eternal "health" if the adversary steals his soul, don't let him take you down with him and the Lord will provide a way.

unfortunately, my EQ Pres hubby cheated too. with a girl at work. she wanted a married man, because her 10 yr marriage had ended because of his infidelity. long story short, she wanted to get even. i was just in the way of her plan. she WAS the adversary - but I did not and will not let her take my eternal family from ME!!

good luck to you. i am here anytime you need to talk.

mamap

[RachelleDrew]

Something that piqued my interest, do you know for certain that his now ex girlfriend is pregnant? I find it rather suspect that she didn't know it until a couple days after he broke up with her that she was pregnant. In other words, she could be lying to draw him back into her arms and trap him.

Sorry if that sounds cynical, I just don't have a lot of faith in a woman who thinks it's okay to date a still-married man. You need to know 100% for sure that she is in fact pregnant, and that if she is pregnant that it is indeed your husbands. No need to worry about this until you know, and it may in fact be weighing on your husband's mind so much that it could be causing a bulk of his intimacy issues.

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power at this point to keep your family together, but these things are not fixed overnight, and it may be years before you get back to a healthy family dynamic.

[foreverafter]

Cadley,

I am really sorry you are having to go through such a painful trial. I commend you for staying in the marriage & keeping your covenants. That will make all the difference in eternity. It is never wrong to keep your covenants & stay loving & faithful to your husband, no matter how futile it may seem or how unfaithful he may be. It will always bring huge eternal blessings & is never in vain. Loving & serving him as you are doing, even if he doesn't do it for you is developing in you True Love. It may make his indifference more painful, but as it grows it will give you a strength & a joy that helps you hang in there, cause now you want to. Heavenly Father can & will inspire you on what to say to him & how to love & serve him even more. Your justified anger will dissipate & turn to love as you serve him.

See things as they really are, with an eternal perspective. As Pres. Hinckley & Elder Faust, among others, have said, Never give up on your unrighteous spouse, Never. He is yours for all eternity if you want to do what it takes to help him repent, as you are doing. For every abusive, adulterous, even abandoning, spouse must return & repent someday, either in this life or the next & make it all up to you, if you still want them around. This other woman can never take him from you. Your love & sealing make him yours forever. This is true even with unsealed non-member marriages. If one has True Love, for their spouse, someday that love will gain them the opportunity to be sealed to their spouse for eternity. Your husband & this woman will both have to pay such a huge & painful price for their actions against you, that I would look on them with pity. Anger comes when we feel they will get away with what they have done & not receive the just consequences. Only you will know when he has truely repented & loves you with a True Love & has no eyes, feelings or desires for anyone else but you & would rather die than hurt you & puts your feelings & desires before everything else, even his own. This day will come, if you have the love to wait for it.

It's vital to realize that in every divorce or potential divorce, one or both is abusing the other. Learn all about abuse in all it's different forms & make sure you aren't doing anything that could be called abusive & hurtful & if so, just replace those actions with love. If he will not stop his abusive actions, adultery being one of them, even emotional adultery, then still just love him & be patient. But ask him for what you want, thus teaching him how to serve you & be specific, only 1 thing or 2 at a time, not to overwhelm him, just little things at 1st, if need be, til he can handle more & not mind. Ask him to do things for you, like "Honey will you do the dishes, take out the trash, take me out for dinner, etc. And if he does it, smoother him with gratitude, if he doesn't don't mention it. Just ask without expectations & give him an opportunity to serve you & thus fall in love with you. For we love those we serve. Great will be your reward in heaven for protecting your husband & children with your True Love. You're doing wonderfully & being so strong!!

Oh, & most importantly, see if he will pray with you, alone together at least once a day. That's the secret!

Edited March 8, 2009 by foreverafter

[Faded]

Well that sounds familiar! Opposite perspective though, my wife of 8 years (also married in the temple) cheated on me. True, it is often a symptom of a bad marriage, but the fact of the matter is, marriages are not always a perfect fairy tale. Every marriage has it's ups and downs.

My wife was doing a lot of the wrong things in terms of protecting herself from temptation. Not going to Church and refusing to be talked into it. Spending long hours online basically ignoring me (and I admit that I reciprocated and ignored her). Making her online friendships more important that real life. She ended up cheating with someone she met online. I never had a clue what had happened. Fortunately, my wife is a very good person at the core, so she told me. That was on New Years Day this year.

She wasn't sure whether or not I would leave her, but as she said, she understood if I did. I thought about it. Here was my ticket out of a marriage that was frustrating me sooo much. But I love her and there was so many good things to build on.

It was at that point that we had a very long talk and we came up with a list of things that she had to change if she wanted me to stick around. I didn't want to end our marriage, but the very important thing was that the primary burden of healing the marriage needed to be on her shoulders. She betrayed the marriage covenant, not me. It was only right that she should make things up to me, not the other way around. She's been working hard at making it up to me and it's kinda strange -- our marriage is possibly better than ever. I'll have to wait until my feelings and senses heal a bit more, but because my wife was willing to work very hard to heal the marriage.

If you're interested: http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/17111-blindsided-dumbstruck.html ... so I don't fill up your thread with my own ramblings about my own experience.

And that is what your husband should be man enough to do. It sounds like he's being a selfish little child and would rather have a personal pity party that do right by you. So the marriage was tough in the past and it's tough now. Well guess what, marriage is tough!!! I'd have to see some compelling reason for me to feel the least bit sorry for him. He's the one who cheated. He's the one whose actions have violated eternal covenants. He's the one who needs to be doing something to make it up to you. I'd say a lot of somethings. Instead, he is like a little baby sitting down in a puddle of mud and crying and feeling sorry for himself. He screwed up. The time for self-pity is past.

I would be very frank with him: The experience has sort of woken you up and made you realize how much you truly care for him. That is a remarkable thing, and all the discouragement and bitter feelings that had built up can become a forgotten memory -- IF he can be a man, step up and work to win you back. The past is pointless. The present and future are all that matter now. What is he doing now to be a man, to be a husband to his wife and to be a father to his children? Does he realize how lucky he is to even have the opportunity to prove himself to you and his children. The time for feeling sorry for himself is past. Now is the time for him to prove that he is worth staying with.

If he can't be bothered to try, then he's not much of a man at all and I wouldn't see much point in sticking with him.

Often Heavenly Father will lead you to do everything possible to save your marriage even though the marriage is doomed. I've seen that happen with several people on this forum and also with a friend of ours at Church. The Lord leads you to heal your half and do everything possible so that when the unwilling spouse finally calls it quits, the burden of failure of the marriage rests squarely on their shoulders and not on yours. You can move on without any guilt and without wondering "what if I had tried a little harder."

I'm not saying that your marriage is doomed, but I am saying that it's doomed if your husband can't pull himself up and stop acting like a little boy. I don't know everything about the circumstances, but I do know this: Zero effort on the part of an adulterous spouse = failed marriage.

[foreverafter]

Often Heavenly Father will lead you to do everything possible to save your marriage even though the marriage is doomed. Zero effort on the part of an adulterous spouse = failed marriage.

No marriage is ever doomed if at least one spouse has the True Love of Christ to save it. Most spouses who are abusive or adulterous put zero effort in on their part. The Prophets plead with us anyway to never give up on our wicked spouses & to die before breaking our covenants to them. So if our love & sacrifice might be all for nothing, who would stay with a wicked spouse, for it is so rare for one to repent in this life. You have to be guaranteed success no matter what your spouse does or it wouldn't be worth all the risk involved.

[Cadley]

Wow! So many responses in such a short time. Thank you everyone, for your love and support.

To answer your question, Rachelle, my husband was with her at her first OB appointment, so yes, we know the pregnancy is real. My husband has felt very guilty for abandoning her with a child on the way, and frankly, he should, but after all, she knew he was married. He said she was really angry when he broke it off, and I just looked at him and said "well, what did she expect?" And I think he knows that even if he had left me for her, it wouldn't have worked out. It is also infuriating to me that he feels so bad for this other woman, but apparently doesn't see how he has essentially abandoned me with our children over the past couple years as he has become more and more withdrawn. He has, at least, been a little more involved with the children over the past month.

Faded--thanks for a man's perspective on this. I have been really frustrated with my husband's irresponsible attitudes, not just since the affair, but during most of our marriage. I'm just afraid that if I get right in his face and say "Grow up and take responsibility!" I'll only drive him away.

I've been struggling with my testimony a great deal over the past 2 years, and over the last couple months I've felt much stronger in that respect, because I've felt the strength of the Lord as I've tried to mend the damage to our marriage, but at times I feel somewhat resentful toward God for letting things get this bad. I prayed and prayed for guidance in healing this marriage, and felt like I got no answers until things were a total disaster. I also feel like God is asking me to stay in this marriage to save my husband's soul at my expense. If I were to predict what would happen if we got divorced, I would guess that within 3 years, my husband would be totally inactive, bitter toward the church, estranged from his children, living with another girlfriend, and buried in a mountain of debt (he is extremely irresponsible with money). I feel like I am the sole strength in our family right now, and it's an enormous burden to carry.

[Faded]

Wow! So many responses in such a short time. Thank you everyone, for your love and support.

To answer your question, Rachelle, my husband was with her at her first OB appointment, so yes, we know the pregnancy is real. My husband has felt very guilty for abandoning her with a child on the way, and frankly, he should, but after all, she knew he was married. He said she was really angry when he broke it off, and I just looked at him and said "well, what did she expect?" And I think he knows that even if he had left me for her, it wouldn't have worked out. It is also infuriating to me that he feels so bad for this other woman, but apparently doesn't see how he has essentially abandoned me with our children over the past couple years as he has become more and more withdrawn. He has, at least, been a little more involved with the children over the past month.

Faded--thanks for a man's perspective on this. I have been really frustrated with my husband's irresponsible attitudes, not just since the affair, but during most of our marriage. I'm just afraid that if I get right in his face and say "Grow up and take responsibility!" I'll only drive him away.

I'm not saying that this is the appropriate response for you to take to him right now, but it certainly does sound like the reality. My wife had already ended the relationship with the man she had the affair with by the time she told me. She had already decided to go through the repentance process, whether I was sticking around or not. But if her response had been anything like your husband's, I'd be gone. So would most men. Someone ought to get the man to realize that he is being given chances where he deserves none. I commend you for that and I hope that he realizes it some day.

One key thing. Has he made any kind of decision? It sounds like he's still trying to be there for his pregnant girlfriend. In all likelihood, she got pregnant on purpose because she knew the affect it would have on him. If he's sticking with you, then it would be a bare minimum expectation that he agrees to never be alone with her again. That could get tricky, but that is what you should have every right to expect from him.

It sounds like he went through the motions for Church discipline. Is that correct? Where is he at as far as that is concerned? Is he inactive? Does he believe in the Church but not go?

I've been struggling with my testimony a great deal over the past 2 years, and over the last couple months I've felt much stronger in that respect, because I've felt the strength of the Lord as I've tried to mend the damage to our marriage, but at times I feel somewhat resentful toward God for letting things get this bad. I prayed and prayed for guidance in healing this marriage, and felt like I got no answers until things were a total disaster. I also feel like God is asking me to stay in this marriage to save my husband's soul at my expense. If I were to predict what would happen if we got divorced, I would guess that within 3 years, my husband would be totally inactive, bitter toward the church, estranged from his children, living with another girlfriend, and buried in a mountain of debt (he is extremely irresponsible with money). I feel like I am the sole strength in our family right now, and it's an enormous burden to carry.

I don't think it is your job to be a doormat for him, however God may lead you to help him start being the man you deserve him to be. Heavenly Father loves you and is certainly not trying to make you miserable. It sounds like His influence has already helped you see your husband in a different light. "Now instead of considering losing a man I am constantly angry with, I am afraid of losing the man I love." If bitterness and resentment were the everyday norm in your marriage for the past few years, then there would probably be a lot of repair work to do on both sides.

If you still keep a journal, try using it a little differently. Every time you write in it, pick one positive thing in your life, one positive thing about your husband and one positive thing about your relationship with your Father in Heaven. Recently, my wife was getting discouraged about some things and was feeling overwhelmed. I had been reading her journal (per her request) and the inspiration that struck me at that time was that she needed to refocus on positive things, even when it was very hard to think of any. The difference in her life has been night to day. A little optimism can do just about anybody a world of good, even if you have to drag it out of yourself, kicking and screaming.

One of my favorite sayings of all time, one of many hanging on the walls at my grandma's house:

Be pretty if you are.

Be witty if you can.

But be cheerful if it kills you.

More than anything, I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. I can understand it better because of my own experience. I guess maybe this awful tragedy in my own life is good for something.

[Cadley]

One key thing. Has he made any kind of decision? It sounds like he's still trying to be there for his pregnant girlfriend. In all likelihood, she got pregnant on purpose because she knew the affect it would have on him. If he's sticking with you, then it would be a bare minimum expectation that he agrees to never be alone with her again. That could get tricky, but that is what you should have every right to expect from him.

Yes, he's stopped seeing or contacting her, and as far as I know, she has made no attempt to contact him since the breakup. She's furious with him, and wants nothing to do with him, and doesn't want him to be part of her child's life. Of course, there will have to be some communication with her at some point, because of the child. Even if she won't let him see his child, she's almost certain to want child support payments. The Stake President said that at that point, he needs to have someone with him when he's with her (preferably me). We'll have to jump that hurdle when it comes.

It sounds like he went through the motions for Church discipline. Is that correct? Where is he at as far as that is concerned? Is he inactive? Does he believe in the Church but not go?

Yes, he's been advised not to take the sacrament or say public prayers, has been released from callings, etc. He's been partially active off and on for the last year, and has been attending regularly over the last couple months, for the most part.

If bitterness and resentment were the everyday norm in your marriage for the past few years, then there would probably be a lot of repair work to do on both sides.

Yes, you are absolutely right about that. There has been a lot of hurt to both of us. My biggest regret is not getting help 3 years ago. It's definitely going to take a lot of time to build the friendship and trust we had when we were first married. I'm just very discouraged, because I'm doing everything in my power to repair the damage from my side, and he isn't doing much on his side. We will continue to receive counsel, and hopefully he will come around.

Thanks for your suggestions and words of comfort.

[jolee65]

Wow,... I cant say enough how sorry i am for you and your family. What a hurdle to jump but with the help from Heavenly Father you should do just fine. My husband and I divorced for 2 yrs and we both started seeing other people but we couldnt see our kids getting lost in the mess we had created so we took a long look at one another and what we walked away from, but boy it was hard bringing the family back together when we would disagree about something you would go through those feelings of why did I come back, but that would pass. Its hard work getting the marriage back on track but its worth it for you and your children. Five yrs later we're still together and we still work at it, harder at times but still working. Our oldest daughter is on her own and our youngest is going out west to college this fall and , im thinking its going to be a very happy time i just have that feeling. We have been married a total of 19yrs.

Im sure with guidence you and your husband will work through the situation with the baby.

Edited March 8, 2009 by jolee65

[Guest tomk]

Cadley:

You'll probably get a different opinion from each person you talk to. Hopefully you will take the best parts from what each person says.

I'm 39, my wife is 35. She married me, even knowing that I struggled with masturbation. Throughout our marriage I've struggled with masturbation and porn. My wife had an affair about 5 or 6 years ago.

Through all of this, we have sought to understand and forgive each other. It has not been easy. But it has been worth it. In many ways our marriage is the best it has ever been.

One book I've read that I would recommend is "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell:

Amazon.com: The Peacegiver: How Christ Offers to Heal Hearts and Homes: James L. Ferrell: Books

One of the great lessons of the book is the story of Jonah and Ninevah. I'd heard of Jonah being in the belly of the whale. Everyone has heard of that story. But I had never realized what happened after. Essentially - the Lord asked Jonah if he should condemn Ninevah:

8 And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live.

9 And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

10 Then said the Lord, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?

So much is folded-up in that question! What a question!

I may look at my wife, and perhaps I may feel justified in condemning some of her behavior at times, believing myself to be more "righteous" than her in some aspects.

This kind of thinking is something we all indulge in from time to time.

And here is the Lord - asking us to spare them. Spare Nineveh!!!

We are to spare Nineveh, because how we deal with Nineveh ties into our own fate. As we forgive others, so also shall we be forgiven. For we are no better and no worse than Nineveh in the Lord's eyes. All have sinned. All fall short of His glory. All.

I am not suggesting that we should remain in an abusive relationship. We should just be careful not to judge others and be willing to forgive them. They need the Lord's healing and forgiveness, just as we do.

I wish you good luck. This really is between the Lord and you. How would you want your husband to respond if your positions were reversed?

Tom

[foreverafter]

I recommend to everyone to rent the new movie "Fireproof". It teaches the way to develop True Love for your spouse, no matter if they love you in return. True Love is something everyone wants but hardly anyone believes in or has anymore. It's the only thing that can save a marriage & at least one must possess it to do that.

[Cadley]

Just checking in again. Had a rough weekend---a total meltdown on Sunday evening, from the stress and everything else. I just felt like I'd had 2 kids clinging to me all day, and I just wanted five minutes to myself, a little space to get something done, or maybe relax. My husband usually works graveyard, but I was really excited when he told me he'd opted to do his daytime cross training this week, but a friend called and asked him to work his Sunday night shift, so of course husband agreed, and slept all of Sunday, worked Sunday night, slept all monday, was up for a couple hours, was nice for some of that time, and then popped in a movie and zoned me out completely---acted annoyed when I tried to talk to him. Then he went back to bed (in the basement---he has his own room). Then I found out he had a meeting tonight. I had this idea that he was doing this so we could get some time together, and now I feel cheated out of that time. I wish that just once he would put his family before his work buddies.

I was doing really well for a little while, trying to unbury the love for him that I haven't felt in ages, and I feel myself slipping back toward resentment and discouragement. Honestly, I can't take this much longer. I know I should be able to love unconditionally, but I'm a human being, too. I need some love, too.

[lilered]

I am somewhat perplexed Cadley. Your husband is the one that desecrated your marriage vows by committing adultry, your husband has refused to follow both the Bishops an Stake Presidents guidance. Now your husband with his own family, who has fathered a child by another woman while being married to you, feels sorry for the burdens he has placed on the other woman. My, what's wrong with this picture.

I totally understand why you should get your own life in order and be the very best you can be. I totally understand why you would want to forgive and save your marriage. However, I am perplexed because you are still living with your husband even though he has not been man enough to repent and do what must be done to save the marriage. My suggestion would be to ask him to leave your home until such time as he gets his act together. At present, he has his cake, and also eating it too. Not to mention at times with someone else all the while, you are doing everything you can to save the marriage. He appears to not be able to make the hard decisions himself and needs a catalyst. IMHO

[Hemidakota]

Perfect advice: "best advice I ever heard, which was that when we go to the temple and make covenants, we do it only with the Lord's permission, and when we choose to break those covenants, we need the Lord's permission to do that. He advised me to go to the temple, and ask for direction, and promised me that whatever the outcome, if I followed the Lord's guidance, the Lord would support me through what was to come."

[foreverafter]

Cadley,

I know you must be trying really hard & it's so frustrating & discourging to not see any results. Of course you need love & more than that you deserve his love & attention & to be 1st in his life. You are his Queen & he should be treating you as one. But I'm afraid you may have to settle for baby steps in the process of making things better, & it can & will get better if you keep trying. I'm sure he notices how hard you're trying, but he is not choosing to reciprocate yet. I know what it's like when a husband does his thing & tunes you out & so what I learned to do is (if he will let you & not be too bothered by it) just go sit by him if he watches a movie of something, without any conversation unless he starts it. Just your presence near him does alot to soften his spirit. You can help him slowly come around as you try to be around him as much as you can if even just remaining silent if he doesn't want to talk. Maybe give him a back or foot rub as he is watching his show. He will eventually get to wanting you around more & more, as you do these subtle things & may even start asking you to come sit with him.

I know this can be a long hard road with slow rewards but it is worth everything you do & I promise you will be so rewarded someday for all of it, you won't believe it. If you kick him out, most likely you will push him right back into the arms of that other woman or a new one.

I know you can do this, you have already been so strong & good for so long. He will come around. Keep trying, just love him as much as he will let you & do anything you can think of to make him happy, all his favorite things. It becomes fun after awhile & addictive to show this kind of unconditional love & the feelings of falling back in love again, will be so fun & satisfying for you, even if he doesn't reciprocate for awhile. You will love how it makes you feel. Get the movie Fireproof, it really helps teach this concept. Good luck!!

[Cadley]

foveverafter--thanks for your encouraging post. I think yesterday I just needed a shoulder to cry on. I'm feeling much better today. My husband invited me down to his room, and we laid on the bed and watched a corny movie, and talked. Not a huge step, but like you said, it's going to be baby steps in the beginning, and I'm okay with that, as long as I'm seeing some kind of progress. I think the hard part now is the up and down. One moment I feel like everything's going to be okay, and then an hour later, I feel totally hopeless. Right now, I'm feeling like we're going to make it. One way or another, the Lord has told me to work on healing this marriage, and until the Lord tells me otherwise, that is what I'm going to do.

lilired--thanks for your indignation on my behalf. I've felt like throwing him out at times, but I can't see how separating with my husband would help anything at this point. It's hard enough taking the steps toward healing this relationship. I think if we separated, there would be no hope at all.

As for his feelings toward the girlfriend--it's just about the pregnancy, and I think I'd be a little worried if he didn't feel bad. He should never have gotten into this relationship, but I would be disturbed if I found out he was having sex with someone he had no compassion for at all. I've felt a little smug toward his girlfriend (or ex, or whatever she is), because she has NO idea what she's gotten herself into. However, I don't think I can truly reconcile with my husband without forgiving them both. She is now facing the great hardship of single parenthood, and that without the strength of the gospel, or the wonderful support system that the church provides. Husband says she also has virtually no family support. It seems sufficient penance that she is facing this ordeal alone.

I was wondering if I could get anyone's thoughts on something. Girlfriend called husband's cell last night while husband was out. No message. I also had a look at his phone a few days ago, and she had called Saturday night, after he was in bed. Again, no message, and no return call. I told husband casually about last night's call, but didn't mention Saturday's. He shrugged it off and said if it was important, she would email. He said nothing about her previous attempt to contact him. Today, I asked if she had emailed him, and he just said "yes," but didn't elaborate. I don't think he's trying to hide this from me. I think he just isn't comfortable talking to me about it right now, but I think I have a right to know what she's contacting him about. Also curious if she has emailed him before, since he hasn't mentioned previous calls. Any thoughts on how to approach this with him? I know I shouldn't be so timid, but everything is so fragile right now, I don't want to push him too hard, and drive him away, but I don't want to let him slide, either.

We have a meeting with the Stake President tomorrow, and I intend to bring this up there, too.

Thank you everyone for all for your support. It has been such a comfort to me.

[Hemidakota]

Good luck on the outcome...however, spend sometime on your knees and perhaps, fasting to be attuned to the Spirit in the meeting.

[qtpie09]

Cadley--

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's sad, but it sounds exactly like my situation--minus having any children involved. My marriage sounds a lot like yours....pretty good the first year, okay the second year, and all the time since then has been like having a roommate --one you just have to clean up after or it will never get done. I have a thread here too...Infidelity Resulting in Pregnancy, so check it out. We have a lot in common. My husband left me after 4 1/2 yrs of marriage, had an affair with his 21 yr old employee (who he told me was just a friend), then 6 months later told me he wanted to reconcile. Two weeks after we had been working hard to patch things up, he found out the other woman was pregnant. She got pregnant about the same time he told her he was going to work things out with me---how convenient. After he found out, he left me again not telling me why. Then at the end of October, when I was almost finished with the divorce papers, he told me the only reason he left was because he cheated and he found out this girl was pregnant, but he loved me and wanted our marriage to work out.

Since then, he has put little to no effort into our marriage/relationship. He says he has too much on his plate and can't deal with everything at once. Since the baby situation is an absolute, he has to focus on that first. I have dealt with my husband still seeing the other woman because he doesn't feel right leaving her alone. He lives back with his grandparents (where he grew up) and I am all alone. He splits his time between me and her depending on how our work schedules are that week, and tells me he can't do anything to work out his feelings until after the baby is born. So, we're in limbo for the next 2 months(the baby is due mid-May)...I have everything to lose, she has everything to gain. He says he doesn't love her, but is worried about her well-being and feels obligated to take care of her because she is carrying his only child. It's a mess...I'm sorry you're experiencing something somewhat similar.

I have had the blessing of receiving tremendous support on this site. I'm glad you are reaching out. Through the last 6 months, I've learned so much about myself. Don't forget to take care of yourself. It will be easy to focus solely on the situation, but don't let it consume you. Here is an article that helped me: LDS.org - Liahona Article - Enriching Your Marriage ...also I'm reading an awesome book called CODEPENDANCY NO MORE by Melody Beattie. It's a great book for those of us who give and give and give and gain nothing in return until we lose ourselves. It helps you focus on yourself and not the things that are out of your control--like other people's actions. Take this time to focus on YOU. I can't say right now that my situation is what I want it to be, but I am feeling more confident and I have more self worth. Whatever happens with my marriage, I know I will be okay. I hope you can find strength through these tough times. Please let me know if you need a shoulder to lean on. You're in my prayers!!!!

Edited March 13, 2009 by qtpie09

[Cadley]

Husband and I visited with Stake President yesterday for further couseling. We both agreed that things have been going a lot better, but there is a long way to go. Interestingly, the thing Husband is most distressed by is my hesitation to talk about the affair. He says I act like nothing happened, and is confused when I'm nice to him. He feels depressed, self-loathing, and doesn't understand why I want to be married to him. He is also confused because I keep saying I want to be married, but when I talk about the future, it's always "if" we're still married.

I brought up the phone call and email from OW. He said there are some complications with the pregnancy. She hasn't talked to her OB, so not sure how serious. I feel a little evil, kinds of hoping this will lead to a miscarriage, which would be better for everyone (except maybe the baby).

After we got home, we really talked, REALLY talked, about all the important things, and all the stupid mistakes and misunderstandings that led up to this, and really that's what most of it was. I'd say "you wanted to hang out with your friends all the time, and never wanted me along," and he'd say "But you never wanted to go," or I'd say "Every time I tried to talk to you about that, you'd walk out on me," and he'd say "I don't remember ever walking away from you. Why didn't you call me back?" that kind thing. Good grief, what could we have avoided if we talked about this 3 or 4 years ago?

I asked him if he's made it clear to her that they can't be alone together EVER, and he said he isn't sure. He said that he's having a really hard time with this because before the affair, she was one of his best friends, and now he can't even talk to her. That seems to me a major lapse in judgment. The only female "best friend" he should have is me. It seems like that should have been obvious, even before all this happened. I understand this is hard on both of them, but they both knew going into this that what they were doing was wrong, and they both knew what the end results would be. So, sorry she's hurt that he left her. TOO BAD.

One of the things that really disturbed me as we were talking was that he confessed a strong dislike of being in public places. He had just told me a couple weeks ago that he hated going out to dinner, and I was surprised, but it's not a great problem to me, but now he's saying it's anywhere. Library, stores, etc. He says about half an hour is all he can take; then he gets---I can't remember exactly how he described it---like a creepy-crawly feeling up and down his back? This would explain his very dismal behavior when we go out. Would have been nice if he'd said something before, because I took it rather personally. Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts on this---it sounds almost like some kind of agoraphobia or social anxiety, which is wierd, because he's definitely a more social person than I am. Anyway, I'm not sure I can deal with that, especially with the kids. I wouldn't feel like a good parent if I didn't take them out sometimes, and I wouldn't feel like he was a good parent if he didn't accompany us some of the time.

Anyway, there are a lots of things to worry about, but I think we're making progress. I think we're both committed, but we need to communicate better about our needs. Sometimes I think that it would be SOO much easier to just file the papers and be done with him, but that would open up a whole different can of worms. I'm not sure which path would be more difficult, but at least I see hope in this direction.

[Cadley]

Sundays are the hardest days.

Husband sleeps most of the day (he works nights). I'm alone with the kids. Weekends are so busy, the house is a total disaster. Dishes piled everywhere, every toy in the house scattered all around, all the piles of junk in my room that I don't have time to get to. I have an in-home daycare, so all that stuff has to be cleaned up tonight. Every time I try to get something done, or get 10 minutes to myself, the kids are fighting, or begging for my attention, or getting into something. I don't think there's any such thing as a day of rest when you have kids.

We got some bad news about OW's pregnancy. Some potentially serious complications. We're both very distressed about it, although for different reasons. It seems like every time I come to terms with my situation, I get hit with one more thing. Or ten more things. I had two total meltdowns today. I tried to talk to Husband about it when he got up, but he was zoned into the TV. I don't think he even heard me, and I couldn't bring it up a second time. I'm a ashamed of myself for falling apart like that---wailing, crying, banging my head against the wall---especially in front of the kids. I never thought I would act like that. While it was happening, I kept telling myself I had to calm down. I was scaring my 3 year old to death. But I couldn't cope. I think I should see someone about this, but I don't have the time or the money for professional help. I'm such a mess.

Things have actually been going pretty well, considering, but there are those little things that I can't get past. Husband hardly ever helps with the housework (I work full time, too). Husband is still dealing with his own emotions and won't touch me (not talking about sex, I mean ANY kind of touching). Husband invited people over this evening, even though the house was a disaster, and I was a disaster, and he didn't even get up until 7:00 (fortunately, they didn't come). If we were using a scale where 0 was divorced, and 100 was marital bliss, we started at about a 3, and we're up to a 12. So yes, major progress, but still nowhere near a happy marriage.

Thanks to everyone patient enough to read this through. This forum has been such a help and comfort to me.

[Faded]

IT sounds like you have 2 problems.

1.) Communication. You're working on it together. That is very good.

2.) Negativity. There are people who go through terrible things in life -- things that blow your mind. The examples are countless throughout history, but if you need to feel better about life picking on you, the Book of Job is a good place to start. What both of you really really need to do is find a way to get some positive energy going in your life.

It sounds like both of you need to HEAR positive things from each other, and both of you need to THINK positive things about each other.

The entire reason that my own marriage devolved to the point that my wife was open to having an affair was because we were increasingly focused on what was wrong with the other person. We mentally and sometimes verbally picked each other apart until we were both gradually giving up on our marriage. The insane thing was, we always have had a VERY good thing going -- we communicate about everything, we're extremely open, we can talk about anything you can think of, and we've been inseparable since we were married, and there's never been any lack of love. And yet we were talking ourselves into believing that our marriage was doomed.

How did that happen? Pessimism. Focus on what's wrong and ignoring what's right.

What is the cure? Optimism and honest praise. If you want someone to become better than what they are today, you praise them for the good things they already are. It's a surprising thing to see how people react to compliments, especially when they aren't expecting them (often because they don't feel like they deserve them.)

Most of our time in marriage counseling was wasted because we already had excellent communications with each other. If you like I can copy and paste the "homework" that our counselor gave us. It was fun to go through. It certainly couldn't hurt for you and your husband to go through it together.

Edited March 17, 2009 by Faded

[Faded]

THE HOMEWORK:

Enjoy. You can go through the questions gradually or all at once. There's really no wrong way.

Love Maps

From knowledge of each other springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Studies suggest that a significant difference between couples destined to succeed versus those destined for failure is how much they know about each other’s worlds. To build or refresh your knowledge of each other, take one question at a time. First determine how you would answer the question, then ask the question of your spouse. Use this question as a springboard to find out more information about each other. Don’t stop once you confirm the answer. Try to guess why your partner answered as he/she did, or ask him or her.

1. Who are my two closest friends?

2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument?

3. What was I wearing when we first met?

4. Name one of my hobbies.

5. Where was I born?

6. If I could take one possession with me into the afterlife, what would it be?

7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday.

8. When is my birthday?

9. What is the date of our anniversary?

10. Who is my favorite relative?

11. What is my fondest unrealized dream?

12. What is my favorite flower?

13. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking?

14. What makes me feel most competent?

15. What turns me on sexually?

16. What is my favorite meal?

17. What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

18. What is my favorite color?

19. If I could be buried or have my ashes spread anywhere on earth, where would it be?

20. What kind of present would I like best?

21. What was one of my best childhood experiences?

22. What was my favorite vacation?

23. What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

24. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)?

25. What is my favorite sport?

26. What is my favorite outfit in my present wardrobe?

27. What do I most like to do with time off?

28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities?

29. What is my favorite getaway place?

30. What is my favorite movie?

31. What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

32. What is one of my favorite magazines?

33. What is the moment of my daily routine when I often feel most serene?

34. Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

35. What would I consider my ideal job?

36. Who is my least favorite relative?

37. What is my favorite holiday?

38. What is the most challenging part of my daily routine?

39. What kinds of books do I most like to read?

40. What is my favorite TV show?

41. What was my most embarrassing moment?

42. What is the most comforting thing for me to hold in my hands?

43. Name the two people I most admire.

44. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least?

45. What is one of my favorite desserts?

46. What is my social security number?

47. Name one of my favorite novels.

48. On the average, how much time do I spend eating lunch everyday?

49. What is my favorite restaurant?

50. What foods do I hate?

51. What is my favorite animal?

52. What do I usually think about on the way home from work?

53. What is my favorite song?

54. Which sports team is my favorite?