How do you tell a friend that......

[jolee65]

I have a GF thats been a friend of mine for about 23 yrs, Shes a female thats always been very challenged when it came to handeling emotional situations, over the yrs she found out she was Bi-polar well that explained alot, but I have had to back off over the past year because she puts herself in situations with men she dates guys that nobody would date that had a head on there shoulders, she decided to go to AA I praised her for making such an effort but I did mention to her you dont want to date anyone from AA just keep your head in the game so to speak.

Well she decided to miggle and met a guy Mike not only does he have a drinking problem but a panic disorder and couldnt go anywhere other then his sisters or his own home, she starts dating him and wow what she sees is happening compaired to the reality of what really is happening is so different, but a long story short I had to back off couldnt stand the whole thing, I know your thinking wheres the compassion well that disappeared years ago.

I told her last fall we needed to step back for a little while because her life over whelms me alot of the times, her kids see themselves trapped and if they think of moving out she gos into a break down and then they end up staying.

I hadnt talked to her in awhile and do feel concerned for her well being so i make the call sence I called it a break, she had gained about 25lbs and she was already 25lbs over weight, she invited me over her house was a total mess you could see she hasnt attempted to clean for months, but her mom was like that as well, she is completely different from me and im not sure why im still a friend when theres so many things about her that I could never be, I know that she has Bi-Polar disorder but the things that her illness doesnt have anything to do with she doesnt hold on to the parts of her life she can control.

She asked me to get her out of the house and to go out to lunch, so I arrived at her house and she was dressed and ready to go but shes weraing clothes that has cat hair all over it and its a black top, what do you say I have even in the past told her she had hair on her and she acted annoyed that I even mentioned it.

Sometimes she acts resentful towards me at times, like I think im perfect but im more like everyone else, I clean my house, I shower, I wear clean clothes. She has dropped the ball so much that I dont even know what to say anymore I know if I acted like I was busy or didnt want to go, it would get her thinking down on herself again im not sure how to handel this.

I have out of anger told her she needs to think before she acts, take better care of herself, clean her house but thats not my place and I know that but its embaressing to go in public with her because she doesnt clean up.

What am I supposed to do with this situation??

[GingerGolden]

It sounds to me like you have done the best you can to be a friend to this person.

It's ok to let it go now, you are not responsible for her or her deeds.

Just let her know that you do care about her and then go on with your own life.

It is good to try to help others, however they have to be willing to help themselves.

You've done your part, you have permission to move on in your own life.

[hordak]

Don't worry what others think when you are out with your friend.

If Jesus hung out with the outcast of society who are we to get embarrassed by someone who "doesn't clean up."

[Elgama]

Honestly I wouldn't have said anything and would maybe have cleaned up some for her... but I also know you have other history.

When I have been down and can't cope I am lucky to have friends that just take me out or come round and just wash dishes or clear one floor. They care more about me as a person than the fact I couldn't get dressed properly that morning, or the state of my house. There is an old saying I've come to see you not your house

-Charley

[jolee65]

lol,.well he was the Christ and im not and I know we strive to be like Christ but im not perfect, I like to be presentable because that comfortable for me and im very uncomfortable when I have to look across the table at flying cat hair while im eating.

If I took a person that needed food because they didnt have food out to eat it wouldnt bother me but she has the means to shower and wash her clothes, I have understanding for those that are without im not without understanding, but i believe in those that can help them selves to help them selves.

[jolee65]

If I even thought of helping she would have a fit. See your thinking of how you would be greatful she would lock herself up even more and not let you in her house shes 43yrs old and acting as if shes 63yrs old.

[Wingnut]

It sounds like you need to get over your "better than her" complex. As for the weight gain, I suspect that it has something to do with medication. If she's recently changed her treatment, a new medication could affect her hormones and metabolism. As for the cat hair, maybe her medication is working and it just doesn't bother her the way it used to.

At first your post sounds like you are concerned about your friend and that you have her best interests at heart, but in reading the entire thing, it just sounds like you're annoyed with her and that you want her to be more like you. That's no kind of friend to be.

[Hemidakota]

I have a GF thats been a friend of mine for about 23 yrs, Shes a female thats always been very challenged when it came to handeling emotional situations, over the yrs she found out she was Bi-polar well that explained alot, but I have had to back off over the past year because she puts herself in situations with men she dates guys that nobody would date that had a head on there shoulders, she decided to go to AA I praised her for making such an effort but I did mention to her you dont want to date anyone from AA just keep your head in the game so to speak.

Well she decided to miggle and met a guy Mike not only does he have a drinking problem but a panic disorder and couldnt go anywhere other then his sisters or his own home, she starts dating him and wow what she sees is happening compaired to the reality of what really is happening is so different, but a long story short I had to back off couldnt stand the whole thing, I know your thinking wheres the compassion well that disappeared years ago.

I told her last fall we needed to step back for a little while because her life over whelms me alot of the times, her kids see themselves trapped and if they think of moving out she gos into a break down and then they end up staying.

I hadnt talked to her in awhile and do feel concerned for her well being so i make the call sence I called it a break, she had gained about 25lbs and she was already 25lbs over weight, she invited me over her house was a total mess you could see she hasnt attempted to clean for months, but her mom was like that as well, she is completely different from me and im not sure why im still a friend when theres so many things about her that I could never be, I know that she has Bi-Polar disorder but the things that her illness doesnt have anything to do with she doesnt hold on to the parts of her life she can control.

She asked me to get her out of the house and to go out to lunch, so I arrived at her house and she was dressed and ready to go but shes weraing clothes that has cat hair all over it and its a black top, what do you say I have even in the past told her she had hair on her and she acted annoyed that I even mentioned it.

Sometimes she acts resentful towards me at times, like I think im perfect but im more like everyone else, I clean my house, I shower, I wear clean clothes. She has dropped the ball so much that I dont even know what to say anymore I know if I acted like I was busy or didnt want to go, it would get her thinking down on herself again im not sure how to handel this.

I have out of anger told her she needs to think before she acts, take better care of herself, clean her house but thats not my place and I know that but its embaressing to go in public with her because she doesnt clean up.

What am I supposed to do with this situation??

Be a true friend and tell her the truth on how you feel.

[Gwen]

is she maintaining her meds (or was ever on them)? sounds like she is in a very depressive state. when someone is depressed being cleaned up isn't about having the means to do so... it's in the brain, sometimes you can't. you don't process things like you ought to.

[jolee65]

Maybe I feel both I have concern for her and have done way more for her then anyone friend ive ever had. Shes lived with me and my family twice and I waking up in the morning to find jelly all over the counter and across my kitchen floor is disappointing or the kitchen towel rolled up with chicken bones in it on the back of the couch, or the crackers all over my couch because she likes to eat at nite. Now do I say what I feel to her maybe once out of anger because shes acts like one of my kids. But im here venting how she really makes me feel and I dont need this "your thinking your better then her crap" if so I wouldnt have been her friend for the past 23yrs. but Im getting older and its wearing me down so maybe in need some of that compassion.

[jolee65]

Be a true friend and tell her the truth on how you feel.

We did have a small talk and I chose my word wisely, but I did say that I felt like when she has a situation with the kids or lack of sleep because of her meds that she would let everything in her life go and she needs to hold on to the things her disorder doesnt affect.

She does complain about her house getting to out of control and her kids live there but dont clean and she doesnt like the fight that it takes to get them to help, and that I do understand.

She resently went out with a guy and after the date I called to see how things went she said his life is in order and her is totally a mess, she knows that it is but she does nothing to help herself and thats what up sets me the most.

[jolee65]

It sounds like you need to get over your "better than her" complex. As for the weight gain, I suspect that it has something to do with medication. If she's recently changed her treatment, a new medication could affect her hormones and metabolism. As for the cat hair, maybe her medication is working and it just doesn't bother her the way it used to.

At first your post sounds like you are concerned about your friend and that you have her best interests at heart, but in reading the entire thing, it just sounds like you're annoyed with her and that you want her to be more like you. That's no kind of friend to be.

Im going to respond to only part of what you've said the rest is an assumption. she gained the first 25lbs from her meds oh and her abuse of methadone (sp) that I also helped get her off of.

[GingerGolden]

Jolee, I don't think that you sound like you think you are better than her, it is also viewable that you care about this person, especially considering that you have been friends with her for more than 20 years, that does say a lot, as far as I am concerned.

You can still be her friend and still care about her. She does need you and there must be something inside you that needs her.

What I mean is that, it is ok to just let her know that you do care about her but that you aren't able to continually deal with her problems.

I for one wouldn't have been able to stay around the cat hair, but that is simply because I'm allergic to them and their hair. It makes me physically ill and well it smothers me as well, having cat hair in your eyes, mouth and tongue from being around them or their hair, is not so pleasant or healthy.

Unfortunately, for me, I've had to deal with my sister and the mess she and her kids left here inside the house and outside on the land of my mother's property. I had no choice to tell her yes or no she could stay, that was mother's choice.

Of course, she knew how my sister was and the things she does and how she has raised her children. And of course, like me, mother had no idea that my sister could be so violent as to try to attack my 8 year old and to actually beat me nearly to death (she actually attacked my twice, since after doing so the first time, she still tried to get into the room where my child was to get to her and I would not let her in there with my child. I took 2 beatings in the face and head, but I'd take them again in order to keep my child from taking even one. But the second time, my mind was screaming "If she keeps this up she will kill me." and I squatted down trying to get away from her, but if she had gone after my child again, still she would have had to go through me to do so.)

So now, I'm trying to work and clean up a humongous mess that was left inside and outside. It makes me ill since I've already cleaned up so many messes that belong to other people and it is disheartening to have to do so. But there is no one else to do it for me or my mother.

My point is that sometimes it is perfectly fine to "Let Something Go".

Tough Love is not only hard for those who have it done for them, it is extremely hard for those who do care to provide Tough Love.

If we do all we possibly can to be there for others and do for them, support them, we have done our part. We have to stop at some point and take care of our own self in various manners. If that means gaining a peace of mind and heart, as long as you know that you have done what you can and let them know that no matter what choices they make you still love them.

It is ok to let go of it, regardless of what anyone else may consider.

I do agree, talking things over is always a good thing, or should be.

I can tell you care about this person.

It's ok to take care of yourself now.

[jolee65]

It sounds to me like you have done the best you can to be a friend to this person.

It's ok to let it go now, you are not responsible for her or her deeds.

Just let her know that you do care about her and then go on with your own life.

It is good to try to help others, however they have to be willing to help themselves.

You've done your part, you have permission to move on in your own life.

I have felt like it over the years and as I sit and think of us two as friends and everthing we have experienced together im thinking she my buddy, lol and dont think that I havent thought about us being friends for eternity I have, but im getting burned out i think and my youngest is leaving for college this fall and im coming into my own i'll be 44 yrs old and really know who i am and my marriage is getting better, but this relationship is bring me down but it doesnt have to she could take care of business and do some traveling with me even.

Her oldest son hes one month younger then my oldest daughter, we got married at the sametime was pregnant at the sametime, heres something really funny before we got married and had kids she went to California with her guy friend and when she was gone I bought this jump suit and thought wow I really like this, she came back 6 days later and called me and told me about her trip and what they did and that she got to do some shopping even and that she bought this really cool outfit, I said I bought something to that I really like when you were gone, that evening I came over to pick her up and she said oh I want to show my new out fit she walked in the room with the same exact outfit as mine, lol same color and everything. to tell you the truth after the shock we were both disappointed.

[GingerGolden]

I can feel your sense of feeling burned out.

This is the biggest reason I said it is OK to "Let It Go". (this may not mean forever, but just let go of the feelings you have for being responsible for what she may or may not do)

I know you love this person and she means a lot to you.

Have you ever considered that maybe she feels like she can count on you to be there for her and if you sorta drop back a bit that it may just make a real difference for her?

Maybe she would start thinking that she really should get her act together, if she thought that by not taking care of herself, she may loose you as a close friend.

Of course, it is up to you to think, ponder and pray about the best way to do whatever you need to do and then make your own decision.

I am not saying you don't have to care about her or not be her friend, just back off a bit and well simply let go of whatever it is that makes you feel like you have to keep trying, if she's not going to try to help herself.

~~~

Cool story about the jumpsuits, it shows that you are in sync with one another.

[jolee65]

Jolee, I don't think that you sound like you think you are better than her, it is also viewable that you care about this person, especially considering that you have been friends with her for more than 20 years, that does say a lot, as far as I am concerned.

You can still be her friend and still care about her. She does need you and there must be something inside you that needs her.

What I mean is that, it is ok to just let her know that you do care about her but that you aren't able to continually deal with her problems.

I for one wouldn't have been able to stay around the cat hair, but that is simply because I'm allergic to them and their hair. It makes me physically ill and well it smothers me as well, having cat hair in your eyes, mouth and tongue from being around them or their hair, is not so pleasant or healthy.

Unfortunately, for me, I've had to deal with my sister and the mess she and her kids left here inside the house and outside on the land of my mother's property. I had no choice to tell her yes or no she could stay, that was mother's choice.

Of course, she knew how my sister was and the things she does and how she has raised her children. And of course, like me, mother had no idea that my sister could be so violent as to try to attack my 8 year old and to actually beat me nearly to death (she actually attacked my twice, since after doing so the first time, she still tried to get into the room where my child was to get to her and I would not let her in there with my child. I took 2 beatings in the face and head, but I'd take them again in order to keep my child from taking even one. But the second time, my mind was screaming "If she keeps this up she will kill me." and I squatted down trying to get away from her, but if she had gone after my child again, still she would have had to go through me to do so.)

So now, I'm trying to work and clean up a humongous mess that was left inside and outside. It makes me ill since I've already cleaned up so many messes that belong to other people and it is disheartening to have to do so. But there is no one else to do it for me or my mother.

My point is that sometimes it is perfectly fine to "Let Something Go".

Tough Love is not only hard for those who have it done for them, it is extremely hard for those who do care to provide Tough Love.

If we do all we possibly can to be there for others and do for them, support them, we have done our part. We have to stop at some point and take care of our own self in various manners. If that means gaining a peace of mind and heart, as long as you know that you have done what you can and let them know that no matter what choices they make you still love them.

It is ok to let go of it, regardless of what anyone else may consider.

I do agree, talking things over is always a good thing, or should be.

I can tell you care about this person.

It's ok to take care of yourself now.

Wow your post made me tear, im sorry you had to deal with such a disfunctional situation and your children bless there hearts.

I do care for her,and i am emotional about this because i care about her,. Her health is in bad shape her blood pressure is high, her joints in her legs hurt, she wont go to a dentist, her oldest son is sleeping all the time if he isnt working hes sleeping, he wanted to go into the Army and I can understand her worrying but she went into a melt down crying all the time drinking wine all day and he backed out of it and now he works part time at radio shack and sleeps the rest of the time.

Her life can make my head spin, so I figure if she wants to go out to lunch then ill take her but she has to be clean and presentable I dont think thats asking to much.

[GingerGolden]

she could take care of business

Yes, she probably could, if she wants to.

You cannot make her, obviously.

Although, you do have her best interests at heart, this is something that she will have to do for herself.

Depression is a cold, lonely road, but it can be worked through.

If you feel you have done what you can, there is no need for you to be drug down into a depression concerning the situation yourself.

[GingerGolden]

if she wants to go out to lunch then ill take her but she has to be clean and presentable I dont think thats asking to much.

I agree, it is not asking to much at all.

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way about someone you love dearly.

However, it is alright to take care of Jolee now...

[jolee65]

I can feel your sense of feeling burned out.

This is the biggest reason I said it is OK to "Let It Go". (this may not mean forever, but just let go of the feelings you have for being responsible for what she may or may not do)

I know you love this person and she means a lot to you.

Have you ever considered that maybe she feels like she can count on you to be there for her and if you sorta drop back a bit that it may just make a real difference for her?

Maybe she would start thinking that she really should get her act together, if she thought that by not taking care of herself, she may loose you as a close friend.

Of course, it is up to you to think, ponder and pray about the best way to do whatever you need to do and then make your own decision.

I am not saying you don't have to care about her or not be her friend, just back off a bit and well simply let go of whatever it is that makes you feel like you have to keep trying, if she's not going to try to help herself.

~~~

Cool story about the jumpsuits, it shows that you are in sync with one another.

LOL thats what I thought to thats why I told her I needed to step back for awhile it was last fall , started talking again with her about 2-3 wks ago she gained another 25lbs her house was a wreck and hadnt been touched for months, so that plan didnt work,...lol

Shes not going to try to help herself, thats whats up setting about the whole situation, yeah the jump suits we still say remember when......

[jolee65]

Yeah I have started doing more for me , my husband understands we have a friendship and he didnt like having her around alot over the years, because she doesnt take care of herself, dont get me wrong she wasnt always like that aznd shes a very attractive woman thats why she gets the responce she gets from people like what happened to you, because its just simply not keeping herself up like women all try to do.

[greenice87]

The following is much easier to say that to write. I will do my best. When I was married, mu wife and kids would need a tool for something and they would go to my tool box and get what they needed. When they were finished, they would not put the tool back but leave them either outside to be ruined by the elements or somewhere never to be seen again. I would either get frustrated or angry and I would complain to them with no result. I would complain to my friends and that didn't do anything but rehash all the resentments and bad feelings (Why didn't they see my way of thinking and doing things). After all, my way of thinking was so logical and simple. Here's where it got difficult for me to understand. One of my more intelligent and in tuned friends plainly said, "Does it bother them that your tools aren't put back?" I would exclaim, "Of course not." He replied, "Does it bother you?" I snapped back, "Of course!" Already angry and somewhat annoyed by his line of questioning, he finally said, "Then, it is only your problem and not theirs. So solve it." I am not the most intuitive person so I wonded how do I solve this because they will not do what I want. The solution is holeless. He knew what I was thinking and without me saying a word he said, "Get a lock for the tool box and if they want to use a tool they have to ask. Problem solved." It took a lon time for me to accept this line of thinking but when I finally did my life became infinitely less complicated. There is more I could write but if you have questions or want to know more drop me a line. Good luck and may the Lord bless you in all you do!

[pam]

I think we could use that way of thinking in many of our day to day issues.

[jolee65]

So, just walk away is what I got from that, and yes it is my problem and her way of life does bother her but she isnt going to do anything about it so, if it bothers me then dont go around her.

Well im not really getting involved in her life as we had been ive pulled back considerable.

She wants to be able to go out to lunch but theres still issues.

This is a long term friendship and its not so cut and dry, im not happy about some of the things, but you dont throw out the baby with the bath water.

Edited March 11, 2009 by jolee65

[pam]

You are in a difficult situation jolee. You've been friends for so long but yet you have your concerns. I wish I had some words of wisdom to provide to you. I wish you the best in whatever way you choose to handle this.

[Madriglace]

her way of life does bother her but she isnt going to do anything about it .

Speaking as someone who has been there, is there and will probably always be there it isn't a matter of "not going to do anything about it" it is a matter of "can't do anything about it". Until you have lived it you just don't know. My dear sweet mother's standard statement is "Handle it". She doesn't know ... she has never been there. Living with depression (and this is depression) isn't one day at a time ... it is one minute at a time. I have a window of opportunity in the morning ... if it passes I am done for the day. I have to grab that opportunity and keep running until I drop. You sit an look at a filthy disgusting house and know you need to do something but it is just impossible. You know you need to loose weight but when a project takes effort you have none to spare ... just being takes it all. I fight for every step every day of my life. I have a family I love, animals I love, a great job I love, 2 church callings I love and it is all work and effort. My brain doesn't fire the same way as others. 2 dear sisters in our ward helped me out of the hole the last time I failed ... if not for them I still wouldn't be moving, they never judged, they just came in and helped and loved me enough to over look the mess. I manage pretty well right now .. at least I don't walk around in tears all the time. If it weren't for my animals needing me I would have absolutely no reason to get out of bed ... they save my life every single day.

About 2 years ago I was in such a horrible place and I knew I needed help. I begged Heavenly Father to help me ... His answer was the birth of a single puppy who at 4 weeks was diagnosed with megaesophagus (this is where the cannot eat without help). For the next year I cared for this baby 24/7 ... he needed ME. He saved my life. After I got passed the place I was in he was called home. I miss him so much but he came for a reason. Funny how our prayers are answered.

If you can't handle your friends problem that's fine and understandable but if you can then that is what is needed more than anything. People like us need to know we are loved and needed ... the feelings of being alone and worthless in a crowd are overwhelming. So what if she gets angry ... give her a hug and tell her you love her and that you are going to help no matter how much she screams. Tell her you need the blessings.

I consider this one of the minor trials the Lord has given me and I do my best to be worthy of it ... I may never beat it but by golly I plan to make a whole lot of lemonade!