Husband addicted to pornography and I'm pregnant

[gppuddinpie]

I am very scared right now. My husband and I were married in the Salt Lake temple just five months ago. About two months ago I came home early and caught my husband looking at Internet pornography. He felt terrible and promised not to do it again. I knew he'd had a problem with it in his youth, but he told me this problem was as recent as five months before we married. know the nature of addiction and I know that relapsing was inevitable, so we started going to a sex addiction group therapy course taught by an old mission president that I trust very much.

Anyway, last night he confessed to me that he'd looked again at the pornography several more times since the first time I caught him. He volunteered the information which is a big step forward, but my reaction was still to break down and cry. I am 7 weeks pregnant with our first child and I feel so trapped right now. I love him with all my heart, but I refuse to be in a marriage with a porn-addicted husband the rest of my life. I feel terrible for wishing I wasn't pregnant right now, but I do. It would have been better for us to fix this problem first before starting a family. I don't know how to cope with this right now. I put a password on the computer today, so I hope that helps take the temptation away for awhile. But I don't know how to trust him again. I feel cheated on. I know his addiction is not about me, but it doesn't take the heartbreak away. I want to have a family where the Spirit can dwell and he can lead us as a righteous priesthood holder, but those dreams have been crushed right now.

Is there ANYONE out there with some success story???? Has anyone beat this problem????

[Wingnut]

I'm going to sound really unsympathetic, but here goes...

...I refuse to be in a marriage with a porn-addicted husband the rest of my life.

No you don't. He told you before you got married. You still married him. Knowing in advance. If you think this is something he can just "get over" or be "cured" of, you are sorely mistaken. Like an illness, your husband can go into remission, but this is something he will struggle with every day for the rest of his life.

[Just_A_Guy]

First of all, if you haven't done so already, get this book and download this manual.

Second of all: Wingnut is dead-on. Your husband will face a gnawing temptation for the rest of his life. But yes, it can be overcome. I personally wouldn't claim to have "beat" the problem; but I've gone for nearly a year and a half without a relapse.

The best thing you can do is to be open and honest with each other, with your bishop, and with whoever is involved in your therapy program. It will, in all candor, be hell for you. You feel horribly betrayed (as you should), but an essential part of your husband's recovery is communication--you've got to do your part to keep those lines open. That will entail swallowing a lot of pride and, frankly, extending love and compassion to your husband that he probably doesn't deserve.

No, it's not fair to you. No, it's probably not what you thought you were signing up for. But frankly, that's what you're facing. You can prepare yourself for the struggle that's coming (and which you--and he--will eventually win), or you can walk away.

God be with you--

[Islander]

. I don't know how to cope with this right now. I put a password on the computer today, so I hope that helps take the temptation away for awhile. But I don't know how to trust him again. I feel cheated on. I know his addiction is not about me, but it doesn't take the heartbreak away. I want to have a family where the Spirit can dwell and he can lead us as a righteous priesthood holder, but those dreams have been crushed right now.

Is there ANYONE out there with some success story???? Has anyone beat this problem????

I am sadden by the situation and my prayers go out to you.

I second Wingnut above. This is a life long addiction and the prognosis in terms of total recovery is guarded at best. it has a very high rate or relapse.

Since you are newly married it must be heart breaking. More important, you must seek counseling and discernment from the Spirit as to what to do next.

[Tarnished]

This is a very difficult thing to deal with. But it doesn't easily go away and it isn't easy to combat. This is because porn is everywhere, and seemingly innocent things can bring up temptations. I have dealt with this in my home as well as watched my mother and a few good friends of mine go through it as well. In one example the husband of one of my friends had a porn and phone sex addiction, he racked up multiple bills for each and it ended up with them losing their car, pawning their valuable possessions, and ending up where they were in dire financial straights because of it all. My friend got rid of their TV, internet and phone and ended up with just a cell phone that she keeps on her at all times.

Often this is the best way of stopping the porn adiction, take away all ability for the person to access the porn and then start working on the repentance process. There is a loss of trust to the whole thing and it takes time, lots of time for that trust to be rebuilt. I would say set strict restrictions, password lock your computer, only allow him access to it (if at all) during times when you are in the room with him. It gets to be aggrivating over time, but it is worth it. Keep tabs on what sites he goes to. Learn about your computer. The best way to detect this kind of stuff is to be educated. The women who write the computer off entirely because they don't want porn in their house are severely handicapping themselves in the fight against it. If you have no idea what to look for then when a computer does come into your life again you will not know how to prevent it.

Also, a book that my parents and I have found helpful is Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn. It is a good spiritual book that is about fighting porn addiction. Have your husband talk to his bishop so he can begin the repentance process.

If I could I would tell every young woman out there this counsel. "If you happen to find a young man that you are thinking seriously about, and you happen to find out that he has, or has had a problem with pornography then run. Unless you want porn in your life. If you think that you can change him, or that the problem is no longer a problem you are wrong. It will come back, the man will only change if he want's to change, not because you want him to change."

Wingnut is right, if you knew before marrying him that he once had a problem then you married the man knowing that the problem could come back. You agreed to deal with that chance by marrying him. Yes, you could look into getting separated. However, I would advise to instead work with him on this. The best thing you can do for your husband right now is to support him, be there for him, make sure that he has you to turn to throughout the repentance process. Don't burn his bridges so that if or when he messes up again he does not feel like he can tell you. Being lied to and finding out later that he never told you is much worse than him coming to you and confessing. Help him through this and I can assure you that you can improve and very likely save your marriage. This will be a constant battle for him, but with your help it will make it easier for him to fight it.

[lilered]

I agree both with Wingnut and Tarnished. I will pray for you.

[Dravin]

If I could I would tell every young woman out there this counsel. "If you happen to find a young man that you are thinking seriously about, and you happen to find out that he has, or has had a problem with pornography then run. Unless you want porn in your life. If you think that you can change him, or that the problem is no longer a problem you are wrong. It will come back, the man will only change if he want's to change, not because you want him to change."

Okay, has I can agree with, but not neccisarily had ,unless he's claiming it was just a week ago, then I defiantly council giving some time. People can change (you are correct that nobody but the person and Christ can enact that change though), to say they can't denies the power of the Atonement, Ether 12:27 anyone? Yes the temptation will always be there (it was there before it was given in to, and would be there even if it never has been given in to), but giving in is not a foregone conclusion. Yes I'm biased, I've had issues in the past, but to think of things I've done and fully repented for (and haven't touched in 4+ years) make me damaged goods... well I guess my sins aren't white as snow, more of a pink.

Your intent may be to guard against those who say its in the past to simply allay fears and to get you to keep dating and marry them without any true repentance, that I can agree with. But then, one doesn't want to marry a dishonest and manipulative person regardless of their past. As to wither its truly repented of or not, well thats what prayer is for.

[Islander]

Okay, has I can agree with, but not neccisarily had ,unless he's claiming it was just a week ago, then I defiantly council giving some time. People can change (you are correct that nobody but the person and Christ can enact that change though), to say they can't denies the power of the Atonement, Ether 12:27 anyone? Yes the temptation will always be there (it was there before it was given in to, and would be there even if it never has been given in to), but giving in is not a foregone conclusion. Yes I'm biased, I've had issues in the past, but to think of things I've done and fully repented for (and haven't touched in 4+ years) make me damaged goods... well I guess my sins aren't white as snow, more of a pink.

Your intent may be to guard against those who say its in the past to simply allay fears and to get you to keep dating and marry them without any true repentance, that I can agree with. But then, one doesn't want to marry a dishonest and manipulative person regardless of their past. As to wither its truly repented of or not, well thats what prayer is for.

I agree in principle. However, I also have the right to know and make an informed choice about what can potentially derail my marriage ans wreck my family. In this case this young girl may have been extremely naive or flat out ignorant about the extent and pervasiveness of the addiction.

In Christ all things are possible...but our faith fails and our resolve fades as time goes on and the struggle becomes long and protracted. Mean while, the family is held hostage and tears and sadness are a constant reminder of the chains that Satan had pinned around his neck.

You can not, in good conscience, tell somebody to sign up for that and tough it out.

[jolee65]

At the bottom of the page click on groups then type in key word porn a womans support group will come up there are alot of woman on there that can help you.

Candeo: A powerful and anonymous online training program to help individuals understand and overcome pornography addiction I seen this in another thread see what this is for yourself first.

Edited March 11, 2009 by jolee65

[gppuddinpie]

I knew he had the addiction in his YOUTH and he said he'd repented of it. I truly thought when I married him that he had been "clean" for several years now. I agree with Islander. I wasn't about to judge a man for a past that MANY young men have. But I did NOT sign up for it when I married him. But by saying I refuse to be married to a porn addicted husband I do not mean I intend on leaving him. I will stay by him as long as he continues to work on it... but if it does not improve with time, I can't live this life. I feel very badly for him that he was exposed and addicted to it at such a young age. It doesn't seem fair. But it is what it is and maybe I can help him. But, truly, HE HAS TO WORK!

Thank you for the stories of those who had been through therapy with success in this issue. I really wanted to know if it's really beatable. The group we go to has a spouse support group, but so far it's mostly just been information about addiction and less "support" on what to do next. I need action items. I will get these books if it helps me to know how to help him and also to deal with it myself. In the meantime, he'll have to build up the trust again. I do love him very much and I admire him for telling me. We all have weaknesses, but this one seems particularly painful. Almost like he's had an affair.

[Dravin]

I agree in principle. However, I also have the right to know and make an informed choice about what can potentially derail my marriage ans wreck my family. In this case this young girl may have been extremely naive or flat out ignorant about the extent and pervasiveness of the addiction.

Having a right to know and making an informed decision is not the same as an if-then statement though, which don't get me wrong, you have a right to do as well (but then we have a right to do a lot of things).

I'm not advocating ignoring if pornography has ever been a part of your potential eternal companions life (just like if they used to take heroin I'm not saying you should just ignore it, particularly if it was recently), I'm saying if you find the otherwise perfect person but once upon a time they made some bad decisions it doesn't matter what they are like now, the pornography/heroin has forever tainted them and they will be partaking again in the future is not true. Taking something into consideration is a far cry from: If pornography at any point in life = true, then run for the hills no matter what.

In Christ all things are possible...but our faith fails and our resolve fades as time goes on and the struggle becomes long and protracted. Mean while, the family is held hostage and tears and sadness are a constant reminder of the chains that Satan had pinned around his neck.

They can apply to anything though. Girls if he was ever inactive (for whatever reason), we will go inactive again, run! Heck, and there are quite a number of people who were faithful, got married in the temple and then started getting into stuff they shouldn't have. This may be the case, it may not.

I'm just advocating a case by case basis instead of a blanket approach. I know a family member who used to have problems with erotic literature, I'd hate to think a couple years down the road as a member in good standing and washed clean of that particular sin that the YM presidencies would have counciled her potential suitors that she is damaged goods and that they should stay away like the plague, no matter how much they like her and what they and the Lord think of her suitability as a potential eternal companion.

It interesting the differences between this and the would you date a convert thread.

You can not, in good conscience, tell somebody to sign up for that and tough it out.

I agree, telling somebody, "It's just pornography, alcohol, tabaco or what ever sin du jour that makes one none temple worthy or what have you, just ignore it and tough it out once you're married!" is bad advice. Oh course I also think, "Doesn't matter if they say they have repented of sin du jour, don't pray about it, just run!" is bad advice, its a baby out with the bathwater situation.

That said, it your life to live. If somebody wanted to limit potential suitors to pitch perfective baritones, who like to work in the garden, who served a mission, got at least 50 baptisms, is left handed and has never committed a sin that would bar one from the temple. I might think you are being overly narrow, especially if that guy came along except there was a 2 year period when he drank before his mission but he has since repented and you say, "No way! Run!" Thing is you don't need my approval, I can sit here and think you are being overly harsh all I want, doesn't mean anything really.

[gppuddinpie]

First of all, if you haven't done so already, get this book and download this manual.

Incidentally, one of the men who wrote this book is actually leading the group that we are going to every Thursday. It's a pricey group, but we were recommended to it very highly. I hope it gets better.

[Dravin]

I've kind of hijacked your thread there.

Take heart, it is something that can be overcome. Pornography pretty much used to be my life at one point, I came to the conclusion that this had become the case and that it was something I no longer wanted. So with the Lord's help and with time and patience (mostly with myself) I was able to overcome my addiction and am no longer weighed down by the chains of pornography.

And I didn't have a wife to love, and support me along the way. So if he really wants to change, he can and he will, just keep in mind for the first little bit a relapse or two might happen, don't give up hope. Repentance is a process not an event.

[bytor2112]

The key to the problem is .......repentance. The atonement of Jesus Christ can work a miracle in your husbands life. But he has to truly repent in order for the miracle to happen. Remember, true repentance is to have a mighty change of heart....to become the kind of person that would never have desired to view pornography to begin with. He can, with the help of the Savior, overcome these temptations and never desire to view porn again.

From Ether 12:

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

[FunkyTown]

I've kind of hijacked your thread there.

Take heart, it is something that can be overcome. Pornography pretty much used to be my life at one point, I came to the conclusion that this had become the case and that it was something I no longer wanted. So with the Lord's help and with time and patience (mostly with myself) I was able to overcome my addiction and am no longer weighed down by the chains of pornography.

I have a question for you, Dravin, because I'm very curious about this addiction.

Pornography seems like one of those win-win situations for Satan. On the one hand, those outside of the church and moralistic societies see it as neutral. This allows them to dehumanize sexual partners, resulting in the act not having a sacred and binding aspect to it. This wrecks families and causes issues. However, very rarely do these people for whom pornography is pervasive become addicted to it. There are clearly exceptions, but for the most part, they don't.

In the more strict morality of the church, those who delve in to pornography seem to have much higher addiction rates.

Do you think it has something to do with the forbidden fruit? A lack of open and frank sexuality(An embarassment to say what it is you truly want) within marriage? Is it some third thing I haven't thought of?

Honestly, I wonder how the church can reduce the allure of pornography without it becoming pervasive. Honestly, I wonder if that's even possible.

[Dravin]

Tell you what, start another thread and I'll answer you there. I'm not sure this thread is really the place for talking about my addiction other then how it relates to my recovery if that makes sense.

[Guest Alana]

Your lives can get back on an eternal track. Sure, it might always be a temptation. I've had beer before, so I'll always know what it feels like, have that memory and sometimes the temptation. That doesn't mean I'll ever give in... my decision, not the weight of the temptation is the factor in that. I suggest you look into the Wives of pornography addicts group, it has some good resources and is a good place to vent. I know it's hard. I know exactly what you mean that you want him to try. Right now that is where we are at, is my husband willing to try or is it time to spend time apart. Pornography wrecks marriages, but the Lord can help you both. Keep doing everything you can to help your testimony.

[Vort]

I am very scared right now. My husband and I were married in the Salt Lake temple just five months ago. About two months ago I came home early and caught my husband looking at Internet pornography. He felt terrible and promised not to do it again. I knew he'd had a problem with it in his youth, but he told me this problem was as recent as five months before we married. know the nature of addiction and I know that relapsing was inevitable, so we started going to a sex addiction group therapy course taught by an old mission president that I trust very much.

Anyway, last night he confessed to me that he'd looked again at the pornography several more times since the first time I caught him. He volunteered the information which is a big step forward, but my reaction was still to break down and cry. I am 7 weeks pregnant with our first child and I feel so trapped right now. I love him with all my heart, but I refuse to be in a marriage with a porn-addicted husband the rest of my life. I feel terrible for wishing I wasn't pregnant right now, but I do. It would have been better for us to fix this problem first before starting a family. I don't know how to cope with this right now. I put a password on the computer today, so I hope that helps take the temptation away for awhile. But I don't know how to trust him again. I feel cheated on. I know his addiction is not about me, but it doesn't take the heartbreak away. I want to have a family where the Spirit can dwell and he can lead us as a righteous priesthood holder, but those dreams have been crushed right now.

Is there ANYONE out there with some success story???? Has anyone beat this problem????

Don't be discouraged. This is a very common problem, not even recognized as a problem in the world at large. Many thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands, of LDS men have struggled with and overcome this problem. YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT DAMAGED GOODS. Don't start thinking that he is; your marriage is of infinite worth, even if your husband is imperfect and has participated in this vile activity.

Consider that men are often exposed to pornography in their childhood, sometimes as early as two or three years old, before they have any recognition that it's "bad" or any defenses against it. That doesn't make it okay for them, but it should make it a bit easier to understand. The male mind is designed to be stimulated by images of naked women, and if a boy is exposed to that (as many or perhaps most are), he's at a great disadvantage. But God loves his sons as much as his daughters, and doesn't leave them to wallow in their miserable sin if they wish to find a way out.

However, your husband may not understand what is going on. He may not see this problem as a violation of his temple covenants. But it is a violation of this covenant of chastity. Until he really understands and accepts that he has violated his temple covenants, he will be unable to repent of this sin. Once he accepts that and works from there, he can get control over his own mind and his own will, until at some point he considers pornography nothing more than an ugly and childish sin that he overcame, like masturbation or swearing or picking cats up by the tail and swinging them around.

I understand your feelings of betrayal. I mourn with you. But all is not lost. Your marriage can still be everything you believed it could, and much more. Don't lose hope!

[lilered]

It seems to me that pornography is similiar to any other addiction in that one has an internal urge to partake of somehting, no matter the costs. One of the first step for anyone addicted is to recognize they are addicted. Then, be willing to do something about it. In all cases, there are innocent people (victims) that are affected by those who are addicted. I dealt with many in the workplace that had addictions, and even if they lost their families, many still continued with their addiction. Only, when they were threatened with loss of their livelyhood, did many agree to go for professional help. Once they got into treatment then in due time, they were able to put their marriages and families back together. A very long process.

So, in my view, until the stakes are raised higher by insisting that the person recognize they have an addiction, are willing to accept help in overcoming it, and then repent and go thru the repentance

will they ever make the effort to overcome the addiction. As to the spirit, if one has broken the law of chastity and other covenants, then they do not have the influence of the spirit to help them. This will only happen when and if they start the repentance process. Thus, I would insist my spouse leave the family until such time they have proved they are willing to recognize their problem, seek help, and repent of their sins.

[Guest missingsomething]

You know, if you werent supposed to be pregnant... then you wouldn't be... remember, Heavenly Father does not make mistakes when it comes to children. At least not in my opinion.

Try setting action plan in... like what he should do when he feels the temptation.... and while this is heart-breaking, it is not about you and it doesnt make him an awful person. Pray for him.

Perhaps, being busy with a baby will help! Good luck and try not to make this about you. If you both want to work through it, you will. Make sure you keep regular appointments with your bishop.

Also, Pres. Hinkley and Ezra T. Benson both warned that pornography would became a big problem in the church with internet growing. I believe it was Pres. Benson (but I cant find the reference) that said that one look at a pornographic picture will take 10 years for you to erase it from your memory.

[Earthymama82]

I just want to say that I will pray for you and that I am sorry you are going through this.

[Vort]

missingsomething brings up an excellent point: This is not about you, it's about your husband. Believe it or not, he is not looking at porn because he doesn't think you're pretty enough, or because he wants to have sex with the whores in the pictures; he probably thinks you're beautiful and likely would never seriously consider committing adultery (physically). He is scratching a childish, voyeuristic itch. It's ugly, it's shameful, it's demeaning and humiliating for all involved, but it is most definitely not about you. If you can remember this, and really believe it (because it is true), it may help you in getting through this.

[harveyf]

I am so sorry for your plight. You are not alone. Satan wants to wreck marriages and this is his best tool. My suggestion as a 35+ year porn addict is to trust the Lord and His Church. The Church has help available it is the ARP program and more specifically the PASG 12 step group. It is just for sex addicts. The group is ran under the direction of the Priesthood with missionaries called to be group leaders. I know how this program works. I have been a lifetime member and have been living a double life. One half as a porn addict and the other as a faithful latter day saint. I was the best most active member trying to do everything to pay for my secret sin. I found peace and my marriage was saved. there is another recovery group for porn addicts it is called a pasg group and ask to join and there is alot of information there and help. I have seen hundreds of people go thru the churchs program and have seen so many familys saved. I have a testimony of the Savior and the Atonement and the principals of the 12 step program the Church has adopted and made it its own. Get help for both you and your husband. You are not alone the Church's guide and meetings can be found at Addiction Recovery Support Groups

good luck I hope you join our pasg group here on this site or find one in your area.

All the best to you

harveyf

[InnerGold]

First you need to understand one thing. It is not you. You are not ugly, or undesirable. Your husband has a real problem. We have been helping people with pornography and sexual addiction for over 18 yrs., even before people thought it was an addiction. The one common element is they don't know how to combat it. Most Bishops, Stake Presidents, Ecclesiastical Leaders and, yes, even counselors don't know how to handle pornography and sexual addiction.

You can do a lot of praying, going to the temple, reading scriptures, singing hymns, talking with the Bishop on a regular basis and still not get the help you need. Through our study we have realized if a person wants to truly overcome pornography and/or sexual addiction. They must train their brain while utilizing the atonement.

Here is a url, I am not trying to sell our services, it is a link to explain how pornography effects the brain. www.innergold.com. This presentation is one that we give to professionals. I encourage you to watch it. There is a lot of explanation that will help you to know what you can do. If your husband watches it, it will help you realize why he can't stop viewing it, even with an attractive wife. Unfortunately, no amount of intimacy will stop this behavior until he trains his brain.

There is hope and confidence that someone can overcome this but it will take time and training of the brain.

The reason why most individuals fail in their quest to overcome sexual addiction is due to expectations. They have said to themselves, " I am not going to do this again. " Yet, a few days, months later they repeat the behavior. It is because the limbic portion of the brain (the part the is responsible for survival) is using it as a survival technique. It is actually counter productive to say, " I am never going to do this again. " His body is using this as a survival technique to deal with boredom, loneliness, anger, stress or tired. (B.L.A.S.T.)

Will power alone is simply not enough. How many times has he tried to stop? Think about it. If will power were enough, he wouldn't be repeating the behavior.

Pornography addiction is serious and if he does not get the proper training and counseling. He will think there is nothing out their to help him and your marriage will be a struggle.

InnerGold

[gppuddinpie]

Here is a url, I am not trying to sell our services, it is a link to explain how pornography effects the brain. Pornography Addiction Counselor | Pornography Addiction | Sexual Addiction. The reason why most individuals fail in their quest to overcome sexual addiction is due to expectations. They have said to themselves, " I am not going to do this again. " Yet, a few days, months later they repeat the behavior. It is because the limbic portion of the brain (the part the is responsible for survival) is using it as a survival technique. It is actually counter productive to say, " I am never going to do this again. " His body is using this as a survival technique to deal with boredom, loneliness, anger, stress or tired. (B.L.A.S.T.)

You sound like you train in exactly the group we are going to. We are going to a STAR recovery group in Bountiful. Is that what you do?