bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 (edited) i have no idea what words i could possibly weave together to express the sorrow i feel about my actions.with regard to my "story", i did not mean to deceive, and i most definately meant no harm.the irony inherent in all this is that her story is my story. that is to say, i have experienced those things with remarkable closeness.her words were so much more descriptive and eloquent than were mine.does that make my actions justifiable? without question, no. never.so....was your concern for me justified? yes.do i expect you to forgive me? i would never ask that of you.i do not doubt that there will never be a way for me to earn a restoration of your trust.i have always tried to be good and to seek the best in everyone.why did i do it? sickness? i cannot say.if you would like to ban me, i can and would not hold you at any fault. it is perhaps what i deserve.the only thing i can say really is that i am sorry. and i am.i have hurt all of you, and i am sick because of it. i suppose that this is what what i deserve. of course, to feel that i have hurt someone is to feel that they regarded my opinion enough to be hurt in the first place. if you are in this category, i am so very sorry to have driven a stake through the heart of your trust in me.i love all of you. i mean that with the deepest of sincerity. of course you may now question everything i say, so take that as you will.i love you and i am sorry.if it is the community desire that i should withdraw myself from the site, i shall do so and trouble you no further. Edited April 11, 2009 by bodhigirlsmiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAngelPalmoni Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 Sticks and Stones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giant_Son Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 Bodhi, I don't know what happened, but I think you are welcome to stay here. We know that you're going through some sort of conversion process, and we want to be there for you - to answer any questions you might have. I so much enjoy your thoughtful questions here and on TOL. I hope you don't leave us. I DO hope that you continue with your search. Never ever give up! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 (edited) Bodhi, I don't know what happened, but I think you are welcome to stay here. We know that you're going through some sort of conversion process, and we want to be there for you - to answer any questions you might have. I so much enjoy your thoughtful questions here and on TOL. I hope you don't leave us. I DO hope that you continue with your search. Never ever give up! :)i very much want to stay, but i feel awful. also, the last thing i want is to turn this thread into a pity party for me. your kind words make me feel even more sheepish.not that i do not appreciate them.i am so, so sorry. Edited April 11, 2009 by bodhigirlsmiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prisonchaplain Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 Sadly, this has happened here before. Probably the most dramatic incident is one that I caught the tail end of, when I joined a little over three years ago. I did not see the drama, and that story-teller was far more aggressive. But yes, these things hurt. Those who dare to care the most get hurt the most. My hope is that somehow beauty can come from ashes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 Sadly, this has happened here before. Probably the most dramatic incident is one that I caught the tail end of, when I joined a little over three years ago. I did not see the drama, and that story-teller was far more aggressive. But yes, these things hurt. Those who dare to care the most get hurt the most. My hope is that somehow beauty can come from ashes.can something of beauty emerge from ashes without being stained? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiJolly Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 can something of beauty emerge from ashes without being stained?Yes, bodhigirlsmiles. We all come short of the Glory of God. I have made my share of colossally stupid choices. It's just that this particular choice strikes to the heart of what this community is. OTOH, we all know that this sort of thing happens on the 'net. Isa. 1: 18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.God forgives much more easily than we here in duality do. I forgive you, but will find it harder to believe in what you say. Over time, all will be well. HiJolly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giant_Son Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I appreciate Bodhi's posts on here a lot. She is a sincere seeker of truth and we can all help her as we welcome her with open arms and answer her sincere questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. To find that someone I highly admired was a bit less than honest was a blow. Can I forgive? Yes in time. Can I trust...Trust must be earned and hopefully that too will come in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StallionMcBeastly Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I think I'm confused as to why this happened - you posted things about yourself that weren't your life? Okay. But why? Anyways, I've always enjoyed your posts here and welcome you back. We all do stupid things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I think I'm confused as to why this happened - you posted things about yourself that weren't your life? Okay. But why?Anyways, I've always enjoyed your posts here and welcome you back. We all do stupid things.because i wasn't smart. it was my life, just not my words. i feel such a deep sense of pain that, to use another's words seemed.....well, easier. this, too, is funny, because i have never been the one to want to take the easy road. i guess i have experienced so much that it was too painful to take the time to lash out the words in my own way.all i can say again is that i am sorry, and i will never use another's words again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. To find that someone I highly admired was a bit less than honest was a blow. Can I forgive? Yes in time. Can I trust...Trust must be earned and hopefully that too will come in time.i don't think you could possible ever know how much i respect you. i do not blame you if the time never comes in which you find it in your heart to trust me again.i am so messed up. it is as if this error is the catalyst that has brought about my downfall. how could i have been so stupid? my hands are shaking so badly that i can barely type.i have hurt the one people that i look to in order to retain a bit of sanity in the merciless wilderness that is my mind.i think my desire to earn back everyone's respect may be the very thing that keeps me from cutting myself again.pam, may god (if there is, indeed, a god who loves and watches over us....and i believe that there is) bless you and everyone on this site.i am so very, very sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I wondered about it as soon as I saw it, the writing style was not yours. The thing is, people who responded, thinking it was your story, felt betrayed when they found out it wasn't your words. They care deeply about you based on 'real' conversations they have had with you in the past, and they are hurt that you would do something like that to them. Now, if you had said, 'I found this book and it puts into words exactly what I'm feeling', then there would be no problem. I think you will find that people here will be willing to forgive and forget as long as this does not become a continuing thing. Some of us may take longer than others, but that is life. Everyone makes mistakes, the key is to try not to repeat them too often. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I have thought much about this over the night. I had another one of my "restless" nights. For some reason this kept popping into my thoughts. I would like to move on. To regain that friendship I so thought we were developing. Past posts by you have inspired me..have made me think about many things in life. Have I ever made grave error in decisions in my life? Of course I have. But hopefully that doesn't take away from the good decisions I have made as well. Right now I struggle with a personal issue in my life. Anger and hurt are taking over in some ways. This has to do with my own mother. Just something I have to work through like anything else I have had to do in life. But again..let's move on and dwell on the positive things that have come from posts etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I have thought much about this over the night. I had another one of my "restless" nights. For some reason this kept popping into my thoughts.I would like to move on. To regain that friendship I so thought we were developing. Past posts by you have inspired me..have made me think about many things in life. Have I ever made grave error in decisions in my life? Of course I have. But hopefully that doesn't take away from the good decisions I have made as well.Right now I struggle with a personal issue in my life. Anger and hurt are taking over in some ways. This has to do with my own mother. Just something I have to work through like anything else I have had to do in life.But again..let's move on and dwell on the positive things that have come from posts etc.pam,i am probably the last person right now in your life that should offer you a warm embrace, but i do so. if ever you need to talk to someone about about your mother, please let me know. if nothing else, i am a good listener. i am sorry that you are going through difficulty. life is, in fact, suffering. i do not believe that this is always a bad thing, although it is certainly difficult at the time. may the light of peace and comfort find you this day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I accept a warm embrace gladly from you. Thank you. This too shall pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadams_4040 Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 can something of beauty emerge from ashes without being stained? Only stained with growth.:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StallionMcBeastly Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 because i wasn't smart. it was my life, just not my words. i feel such a deep sense of pain that, to use another's words seemed.....well, easier. this, too, is funny, because i have never been the one to want to take the easy road. i guess i have experienced so much that it was too painful to take the time to lash out the words in my own way.all i can say again is that i am sorry, and i will never use another's words again.Ahh I see - well that's not as bad. I thought you just made it up to play a joke on us, or for attention or something.Anyways, glad you're staying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RachelleDrew Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I'm confused, I thought it was made obvious that you were posting a story written by someone else, that you related to. I was under the impression that you were posting the story because you thought it was interesting that it was so close to your life experience. The writing style was so obviously different from your own I thought that it was clear that it wasn't yours. So with that in mind, i'm not offended because I didn't know that there was deceit involved. We all do things we aren't proud of, at least you owned up to it. No anger here. Please stick around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 I'm confused,I thought it was made obvious that you were posting a story written by someone else, that you related to. I was under the impression that you were posting the story because you thought it was interesting that it was so close to your life experience. The writing style was so obviously different from your own I thought that it was clear that it wasn't yours. i appreciate your words, although i was not forthcoming and was less than honest. the words were not my own, but the essentials were. i was certainly out of my head that day.We all do things we aren't proud of, at least you owned up to it. No anger here. Please stick around.it was unfortunate that i did not own up to it from the very beginning. i do not ever wish to find myself in that situation again. i have learned a hard lesson.it is very difficult indeed to recover from your own self-depreciation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 can something of beauty emerge from ashes without being stained? Not if you soak it in baking soda and then use steel wool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RachelleDrew Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 Here's something I wanted to mention in my last post but forgot to. You write all of your posts very eloquently. There was no reason you had to use her words instead of your own, because your own words would have been good enough and if not better. Something I would love to see is YOUR story in YOUR words. It could very well be just as good as hers, and you would get a lot of personal therapy from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodhigirlsmiles Posted April 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 Here's something I wanted to mention in my last post but forgot to.You write all of your posts very eloquently. There was no reason you had to use her words instead of your own, because your own words would have been good enough and if not better.Something I would love to see is YOUR story in YOUR words. It could very well be just as good as hers, and you would get a lot of personal therapy from it.i think you found precisely the issue. perhaps the very fact that the nature of the information was so profoundly close to my emotional capacity, rendered it all but impossible for me to adequatly describe in my own words. it wasn't the words themselves....the diction....that proved problematic. it was the emotion attached to the words. it was a mistake. i should have taken the time to craft my words, no matter the outcome.in time, perhaps i will be able to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prisonchaplain Posted April 12, 2009 Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 can something of beauty emerge from ashes without being stained? Sometimes two steps back allows for three steps forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted April 12, 2009 Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 Sometimes two steps back allows for three steps forward. That happens to me all the time when I'm walking up a steep hill covered with ice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts