Sister-in-law

[Soul_Searcher]

OK so this has nothing to do with the church, and sorry if I'm overposting, but something has come up in my personal life I could do with some feedback on.

My husband's brother met, married and got a girl pregnant within 6 months. None of us were particularly happy with this as she has been engaged several times before, and has done identical things in each relationship-a worrying pattern of instability.

Anyway, she is difficult to cope with. Lately, things have been getting worse. She is copying almost everything I do. She has added ALL my friends on facebook even though she doesn't know any of them. If I do something, she copies. Like, we said we're going on holiday and instantly so were they even though she's 6 months pregnant and neither of them work. She is always trying to imply we have no money even though we both work and have our own house, wheras they live in a poky flat and have virtually no income.

Initially I thought she was insecure and and a bit jealous (well, she's VERY insecure). But my MIL told me that when they were staying with them last week, my brother in law accidentally called her my name, twice. Once was in a prayer () and once was when he was calling upstairs to her. I wasn't even in the house on either occasion.

Is this something I should be worrying about? Everytime I'm around her she tries to undermine me and my life which is hard. But maybe there's more going on if my brother in law has been getting his own wifes name confused with his sister in law!!

Any advice on this situation? Should I just ignore it?

[prospectmom]

Wow... I would let it go for now but be aware....... You SIL copys you because she wants to be like you... insecurities make her be negative towards you... She sounds very young.... Pray what should you do ... talk to your hubby... Be calm and don't let her problems become yours... Blessings

[ruthiechan]

Get to know her.

If she's as insecure as you say she is then she probably thinks that her husband loves his sister more than his wife. I am assuming that you and your brother are close since he's accidentally used your name, and have a lot of good memories. Maybe let her in on those memories so she doesn't feel excluded.

Is she an only child? Has she ever had pets while growing up? If not then she may not understand the whole accidentally calling someone something else. I know I've called my daughter the cats names and vise versa and one time my husband was being so immature I called him my daughter's name! Heck one time I called him Mom. . . I was thinking about wanting to talk to her but she wasn't available so I was going to talk to him instead but slipped and said Mom instead of his name. You should have seen his face those times, priceless, especially calling him our kid's name. Ironically enough he ceased acting immaturely. Ha ha.

[jadams_4040]

OK so this has nothing to do with the church, and sorry if I'm overposting, but something has come up in my personal life I could do with some feedback on.

My husband's brother met, married and got a girl pregnant within 6 months. None of us were particularly happy with this as she has been engaged several times before, and has done identical things in each relationship-a worrying pattern of instability.

Anyway, she is difficult to cope with. Lately, things have been getting worse. She is copying almost everything I do. She has added ALL my friends on facebook even though she doesn't know any of them. If I do something, she copies. Like, we said we're going on holiday and instantly so were they even though she's 6 months pregnant and neither of them work. She is always trying to imply we have no money even though we both work and have our own house, wheras they live in a poky flat and have virtually no income.

Initially I thought she was insecure and and a bit jealous (well, she's VERY insecure). But my MIL told me that when they were staying with them last week, my brother in law accidentally called her my name, twice. Once was in a prayer () and once was when he was calling upstairs to her. I wasn't even in the house on either occasion.

Is this something I should be worrying about? Everytime I'm around her she tries to undermine me and my life which is hard. But maybe there's more going on if my brother in law has been getting his own wifes name confused with his sister in law!!

Any advice on this situation? Should I just ignore it?

Sounds to me as you need to move to australia.:)

[TruthSeekerToo]

I don't know what I would do. It does sound like something is going on.

I mess up names all the time. I sometimes call my kids by eachothers names-or my oldest by my husbands-or sometimes I will call my kids by 2 of my siblings names. Those are the only names I have ever messed up on (and do all the time).

The fact that you aren't blood related and he is saying your name so often seems a bit strange to me. But maybe that can be normal? That added to the fact she is trying to be like you and put you down makes me think something was said to her. Like maybe she was compared to you by BIL.

I'd probably try to ignore it. If it becomes more of a problem or you are worried then your husband needs to talk to his brother about it. In a non-confrontational way.

This is just my opinion. I have nooooo idea what I would really do.

[ruthiechan]

Whoa, I missed the part that it's her husband's brother not her brother. How weird. Are you buddies with your brother in law? Do you have similar sounding names as your brother in law's wife?

[Guest missingsomething]

A few thoughts:

Her copy cat is actually a sign of admiration. Annoying as it is, try to be flattered.

I would not talk to my MIL about her - that is gossiping and we have been STRONGLY discouraged from doing this - plus people can turn on you :)

I would also talk to my husband about it - get his inputs.

As for calling your name it could be just a slip - especially if the SIL is always talking about you and trying to be like you.

[Iggy]

As for calling your name it could be just a slip - especially if the SIL is always talking about you and trying to be like you.

It could also be a sarcastic/cutting way to get at his own wife.

A hundred years ago when I was in my early teens, my little sister took to copying me.(she is 6 years younger than me) Repeating the things I said, mimicking my walk, hair style, etc.

It was annoying, not only to me but to the entire family.

My little sister was extremely fond of our Uncle L. When he started calling her Iggy II, and bringing attention to her when she didn't copy me, it irked her enough for her to stop. (Thank You, Thank You, Uncle L for that)

Mom kept telling me that when someone imitates you, that is the highest form of flattery. Maybe so- but it is also extremely irritating.

I would talk to your husband and ask him to talk to his brother about this. See if they can't brain storm and come up with a solution.

You could also have a girl to girl talk with your SIL - tell her that she is a special person, that she needs to let her own light shine, to be her own individual and not a mish-mash of other peoples personalities.

I really wish you luck with this. You do not have an easy row to hoe. My prayers are with you.

ps- get a priesthood blessing BEFORE you talk with her, make sure Father is with you all the way.

[Soul_Searcher]

Wow... I would let it go for now but be aware....... You SIL copys you because she wants to be like you... insecurities make her be negative towards you... She sounds very young.... Pray what should you do ... talk to your hubby... Be calm and don't let her problems become yours... Blessings

She is actually 28, 3 years older than me.

The fact that you aren't blood related and he is saying your name so often seems a bit strange to me. But maybe that can be normal? That added to the fact she is trying to be like you and put you down makes me think something was said to her. Like maybe she was compared to you by BIL.

This is possible but I can't see him doing it. As you all know I have problems with church right now and my BIL is VERY devout so I think he thinks of me as a bit of a rebel lol. We're not particularly close, get on ok tho.

If she was JUST copying me I would be ok with it, but its her trying to undermine me I find hard to cope with. I (wrongly) find myself wanting to come back at her. Like, Ive been on the scene for 6 years, so have even known her own husband longer than her and I could throw a lot of things back in her face. I wont, but I feel like it!!!

We've already discussed this with my MIL. They live 70 miles away, so we dont see them that often. My in laws live just a few roads away from us. My MIL agrees with us. I agree I should try and get my husband to talk to hid brother...however this will not work as he can be quite arrogant. He's always judging my DHs behaviour and he wouldn't take on board what he said.

Australia? Lol. I suppose I should just be glad they live far away, and I will see even less of them soon as theyre having a baby (believe it or not, another way to get one up on me, by having the first grandchild :( )

I will take your comments on board. Thanks guys. It is a difficult situation isnt it?

[Soul_Searcher]

I better point out my MIL doesn't really like her, my DH can't stand her and neither can my other SIL. MY BIL was the missionary who baptised her. He has sort of taken her on as a project more than a wife. She is a difficult person to like. I do try but has mood swings so its hard to know how to take her. I'm scared for their child. LOL.

[funkymonkey]

For the sake of the unborn child... it would be better to just love and accept her for who she is. Whether their marriage works out or not, you all need to keep a good relationship with the mother, if you want a good relationship with the child.

I was not "good enough" for my husband...according to his family. (I was not included in family pictures for over two years.) Believe me, your new sis-in-law knows that there is disdain there...she might just be trying too hard to gain acceptance into your family.

Find her charm (even though you might have to look really hard) and accept the situation for what it is and love and accept her. (and I think you could easily bring up the facebook thing in casual conversation so she knows that you're uncomfortable with some of the boundary breaches) Also really really try to help your mom-in-law to accept her...if not for anything else, to make sure you are able to have a relationship with the child.

Also, it might help you in your challenge to try to analyze why she is the way she is. Maybe her own family life isn't the same as how you all were brought up, maybe there are some other things in her background that really would explain a lot of the things she does. If you take the time to try to understand why she is the way she is, it might be easier to accept her.

Edited April 17, 2009 by funkymonkey

[TruthSeekerToo]

Soul Searcher (((hugs))) I'm sorry for your pain in the whole situation. It's definatly NOT easy. Families usually aren't.

Pray for peace. I don't know if you are praying much right now, but it might be a good time to start. I can tell you it has given me peace on many occasions. Who knows, maybe some grand idea will pop into your head.

[Soul_Searcher]

Soul Searcher (((hugs))) I'm sorry for your pain in the whole situation. It's definatly NOT easy. Families usually aren't.

Pray for peace. I don't know if you are praying much right now, but it might be a good time to start. I can tell you it has given me peace on many occasions. Who knows, maybe some grand idea will pop into your head.

Thanks truth seeker. I am praying a bit but I feel like Im just having conversations with myself in my head. If I try to pray out loud the words stick in my throat and I cant. :confused:

All I'm praying for at the minute is to know if the church is true. But I dont think Ill ever get an answer to that so sometimes I wonder why I'm even bothering.

[talisyn]

I think funkymonkey might have a pretty good point. It may be that she's emulating not necessarily you, but your lifestyle. Copying can be very annoying if you're the one being copied. Maybe instead of treating her like trailer-trash your in laws can see her as a daughter of God that is trying to get back to Him.

Or she could be an alien that's gonna take over your life after she sucks your brains out

[talisyn]

I think funkymonkey might have a pretty good point. It may be that she's emulating not necessarily you, but your lifestyle. Copying can be very annoying if you're the one being copied. Maybe instead of treating her like trailer-trash your in laws can see her as a daughter of God that is trying to get back to Him.

Or she could be an alien that's gonna take over your life after she sucks your brains out

This ended up sounding a lot harsher than I meant it, and I'm sorry. What I suggest is taking a deep breath.....and contemplate coloring your hair blue (seriously, there are temp dyes that wash out in about 1-2 weeks. I bet that would shake up your s-i-l enough for her to reexamine what she's been doing).

[Moksha]

But maybe there's more going on if my brother in law has been getting his own wifes name confused with his sister in law!!

My children should be worried about the same thing, since I have mistakenly called them by their other siblings name more than a dozen times.

That copy cat behavior reminds me of a character on SNL.

:)

[Soul_Searcher]

My children should be worried about the same thing, since I have mistakenly called them by their other siblings name more than a dozen times.

That copy cat behavior reminds me of a character on SNL.

:)

So has my Mum...all parents do that. But if I was to call my husband by his brothers name Im sure he'd be like, uh what? That has NEVER happened to me! Similarly if he called me by my sisters name I would be concerned to say the least!!