Do you think this is appropriate?


ServiceDogHandler

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As those who have read my previous posts are aware my husband and I are seperated by a court order because of his assualts on me. He is now living with his girlfriend and her 4 kids. He moved in with her after he had been away from me for a little longer then a week. My concern is he finally set up his first visit with the kids for tomorrow. He has tried to set up a visit 3 other times by just showing up even though he knew he had to set up visits through social services and they have to be supervised. Each time he brought his girlfriend with him. He never got to see the kids because it was not approved first. Well he now has a visit at social services and supervised by them for tomorrow. I am concerned that he might bring his girlfriend. I am glad he is finally visiting the kids. They have missed him and he is their dad. But they do not know he has a girlfriend. They do not know about her or her kids and that even though we are still married and no divorce is pending yet that he is living with her. The only thing I say to the kids about their dad when they bring him up is that he most likely misses them and loves them. They don't beleive me though because he never calls or visits. So I am concerned that if he suddenly drops this bomb on them about his new girlfriend and brings her with, a total stranger, that it will only confuse them and hurt them. Personally I think this subject should wait to be brought up till after the divorce. He has already proven he cares more about his girlfriends kids then his own. He called and wanted our kids fishing rods so he could give them to his girlfriends kids. WHat parent takes from their own kids and gives to a girlfriends kids who are not even his?

So what do you think? Is it appropriate for him to bring his girlfriend or discuss her with our kids right now while they are still so vunerable? Or should the subject wait till a more appropriate time and place?

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That is his decision unless the court orders otherwise, which I doubt they will. How old are the kids? Will they even understand?

You have little control of what he says and perhaps a little on who he brings for visits unless social services says otherwise.

Just because a man is a donor does not make him a father.

Ben Raines

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No it isn't appropriate, but he still might do it any way. I would suggest you merely plan for any and all possible outcomes.

Also, w/ your seperation being "court ordered" is the visitation going to take place in your presence? If that is the case contact your lawyer and set up ground rules for your husband.

Wishing you the best in this difficult situation.

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No I won't be there. My kids are 18months, 4yrs and 10yrs old. The youngest is going to freak because he will not recognize him and has seperation problems right now. My other son will be very hurt if he hears about the other kids because he is too young to understand. He still thinks we are getting back together and that daddy is only at work while he is not home. My daughter who is the oldest is the one he beat up the most besides me and I know she is terrified to be in the same room as him. Let alone have this second bomb dropped on her. She is in weekly therapy to try and handle all that has gone on.

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Such a hard situation.... my prayers and support are with you...... I think you have to trust Social Services on this one.... The visit is not with his girlfriend and unless they are very lax in their rules she would not be included but asked to wait outside....... If he says anything inapropriate ....just know it is being monitered....... He will have to comply to basic rules........ You need to take care of yourself and pray, he is lost to you at this point and worrying about what you can't control will cause you nothing but grief... Handle on your end what you can with grace and dignity........ Document everything that happens, even how the kids are and what they say when they get home..... It will all work out .... I know that seems simplistic.. but having been through so much myself I do know the storm passes and all will be ok... different but ok.... Stay close to Heavenly Father and you and your kids will do fine.......I am not saying there won't be trials but you will get through them and come out stronger and better for it.......... again my prayers are with you.

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Whats wrong with it is right now is not the appropriate time. Luckily social services agrees. They have been through so much with his addictions, assualts, and a ton of other stuff. My oldest is terrified of her dad. My middle son thinks we are still getting back together because he doesn't understand any better. And my youngest doesn't know his dad at all. What social services and I agree on is with all the trama they have been through that this subject should be handled carefull and with their therapist on hand to try and make sure they are hurt as little as possible. My husband has only known this woman since March and was in jail for 3 weeks of that. There is no garentee that they will stay together and since we are still married and no divorce is pending it would only confuse the children.

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my personal view having being a child of divorced parents is its better when your parents are honest, however hard it is for them... when you go through a divorce the children have to be able to trust at least one person, you and they are now facing a situation where they may find out you haven't been honest and they will not know if they can trust you., if he brings along his girlfriend or discusses her with them he will come out more trustworthy. My experience with social services in my country, is they have a lot of knowledge but very little understanding of what its like to be a child in that situation.

One thing I will always appreciate in my Mum is she was open and as straight with us as she could be, the things she hid I struggle to forgive her for and will never entirely trust her again, I found them out as an adult.

you don't have to tell them the whole gory details just be straight and give them the facts and answer questions as simply and honestly as you can

-Charley

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My daughter who is the oldest is the one he beat up the most besides me and I know she is terrified to be in the same room as him. Let alone have this second bomb dropped on her. She is in weekly therapy to try and handle all that has gone on.

My oldest is terrified of her dad.

Surely she can opt out of this visit, can't she? That seems highly inappropriate to force an abuse victim to face her abuser - regardless of relationship.

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Complete age appropriate honesty has worked fine with our kids. They know why we don't see the relatives in Utah any more (because the uncle hurt a kid and had to go to prison, and the grandparents don't know how to keep kids safe in their home). They know why our various animals died (because one dog's heart stopped working, another dog was in so much pain that we had her put to sleep, and the cats all got eaten by coyotes).

I remember how hard it was as a kid, that nobody would just talk to me straight about my mom's suicide attempt. It would have been the easiest conversation in the world: "Your mom is very sick and tried to kill herself as a bad way of telling people how much pain she's in." If someone had just talked to her openly and honestly about her pain, she might have had a much better life.

Of course, situations are different. But I would suggest that kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. They know when someone is not telling them the important stuff, and they're much more able to deal with important stuff than we think.

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... I would suggest that kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. They know when someone is not telling them the important stuff, and they're much more able to deal with important stuff than we think.

Amen to that! We all KNOW this from our own childhoods! And yet, somewhere along the way, many of us decide that Satan's plan of protectionism and isolationism is a better parenting model.

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No she can't opt out of the visit. Social Services says she is too young to make that decision for herself. I personally disagree. She is 10. I think it is more tramatizing to force her to be in his present because he never would say anything to her except to tell her to be quiet, watch the kids or put her down. No matter who is there that is how he treats her. I plan to get her her own lawyer so that her rights are protected. So that she won't be forced to see him if she doesn't want too.

Thanks for the advice. I do plan to be honest with the kids and tell them what is going on. I just want to do it right. And when the time is right. Right now is not the right time. I know they know something is not right. They are smart. But I want to make sure they are not trmatized by this next chapter in their lives. They have gone through 7yrs of abuse already. They don't need any more trama.

I did find out that the reason he chose the visit is he has to go to court today. Which means he might not even get to visit because he could end up in jail for not paying his thousands of dollars in fines for the assualts and the breaches. He has already had his liscense revoked. The visit is planned for 4:30pm-5pm. Only 30 minutes. He has not seen the kids since Christmas, has not spoken to them since then and only plans a 30 minute visit. I am just shaking my head.

Edited by ServiceDogHandler
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  • 4 weeks later...

He never showed. The kids were taken to social services for the visit and 15 minutes into his 30 minute time he called to say he couldn't make it. My daughter was relieved but my 4yr old son was devasted. He ended up setting up another visit the following week. That was for an hour. And he brought his girlfriend and her kids. He told the kids that this is their new mom and their new siblings. My kids were so upset. My daughter end up acting out severly for the next week. My oldest son was totally confused asking me if I was still their mother. I ended up calling my lawyer who contacted social services to ensure it would not happen agian because this has totally tramatized them as I knew it would.

Then on top of it all I got an email from his girlfriend last thursday. She is very concerned about her kids and herself. She even states she is scared of my husband and thinks he may hurt her and her children. The stuff in it is not shocking to me but she is obviously scared. She says that he almost got her kids taken away by social services, that he has been lieing to her and stealing from her. Boy does that sound familiar. That he yells and screams at her and her 4 kids when he doesn't get his way, that he tries to control her every move, That he is stalking me and knows where I live. Even lists my location. She states that she is scared of him and that she is scared that if he finds out she contacted me that he will hurt her and the kids. She kicked him out but he won't leave the property. This I understand completely because he would camp out in my driveway when he was kicked out. She begs me to contact her. I feel so bad for her and her children but I can't risk contacting her. Though I know exactly what she is going through. I called the police though. THey sent an officer over for the email. I also sent a copy of the email to my lawyer, my husband porbation officer and to the social worker dealing with the case. That is all I can do. I hope she can get out of this situation before he can hurt her and her kids the way he hurt me and my kids.

My lawyer though was glad for the email because she says it shows that this is something he does to all kids and women. I feel bad for everyone involved in this situation now. I still have no respect for his girlfriend BUT no one deserves to be treated the way my husband treats us.

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