Heavenguard Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 (edited) I've been with my gentleman friend for about 3.5 months. (We got to know each other for 1.5 months prior to that.) I started dating him not only because I liked him, but because I could see a potential future with him (ie getting married, settle down, have kids). About 2 months into dating, he went away for a week, came back for a few days, then went away for a month again, and a lot of problems surfaced during that time that possibly otherwise could have taken months or years to come out. Because of those problems (and probably also because we did not have a strong foundation to anchor us), I no longer believe in or see that future. We talked about our problems, and said we'd try to work on it, but I've ended up believing in everything even less now. The things he said he'd do to help fix things (from his end, I had a part too), he's failed to do when time came. I want to end it, things being as they are - I don't want to waste his or my time, and I don't want to expend more emotions into it (and worse, I have negative ones as a result of it). On the other hand I feel like I should give it and him a chance. Any thoughts, ideas, anecdotes to share about when one should keep on trucking, or how to recognize when to throw in the towel? Edited June 28, 2009 by Heavenguard [Gone] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 You're not specific about the problems. If you have lost trust in him I would suggest moving on. Trust is fragile and very hard to recover. If you decide to continue with the realtionship, most definitely do not marry him until you do trust him completely. I'd also say that goes both ways. He needs to be able to trust you completely too. Without a foundation a house cannot withstand the storms...without a good foundation of trust and respect a marriage cannot survive the storms of life. applepansy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 You've stated enough doubts in your OP that I think perhaps you have answered your own question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jadams_4040 Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 You're not specific about the problems. If you have lost trust in him I would suggest moving on. Trust is fragile and very hard to recover. If you decide to continue with the realtionship, most definitely do not marry him until you do trust him completely. I'd also say that goes both ways. He needs to be able to trust you completely too.Without a foundation a house cannot withstand the storms...without a good foundation of trust and respect a marriage cannot survive the storms of life.applepansy I totally agree with the trust scenario, After one horrible divorce many years ago that involved heartbroken kids; I never in a million years would have married my second wife if for even one second I could not trust; it is the basic foundation before even love can be sustained; two people absolutely must have complete trust in one another.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heavenguard Posted June 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 Well, I suppose it sounds super-negative, but when one recounts problems, the good items are not spelled out. He's usually very gentle and sweet. He gets me thoughtful gifts, calls me often, picks me up from work when it rains, that sort of thing. But when I try to talk about negative feelings that have to do with him (not accusing or blaming him, but bringing it up so we can discuss/fix it), he gets upset and defensive, which makes the negative feelings worse. If I was feeling insecure, his reaction confirms it. If I was feeling angry, he infuriates me. If I feel lonely, I feel like I'm being pushed away. Instead of listening to what I have to say, he gets defensive. And I can understand that nobody likes feeling attacked, but I've told him that my point is not to attack him, but that I want him to understand what's wrong, and how we can avoid unhappy situations again in the future. However, the next time, he gets defensive again, which furthers this feeling of him not listening to me... The reason I'm unsure is because the relationship has been short, and his going away was a real wild card (unexpected for both of us), so I can't discern if it will just always be like this, or if this is just a "rough patch" to stick out till he learns his way to interact and communicate in this sort of relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 He's showing you how he will problem solve in the future. People do not change with time. They only change when they see a need (benefit to themselves) to change. You cannot change him. The truth about people is the "the older they get the more like themselves they become."If I was in your situation (as you've described it), I would walk away and start over with someone who understands how to problem solve as a team.Longer relationships or finance' or marriage do not make problems magically go away. Just the opposite...sometimes it seems that closer relationships, especially marriage, magnifiesproblems. I suggest you find someone who can work with you as a team now or you'll end up with more of the negative reactions down the road.Actually I'm surprised anyone would defend this behavior as you do in your second post. Its a deal breaker for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elgama Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 have to say though some of his reactions are very male if I try to talk to Richard he feels got at -Charley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlaviusHambonius Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 Trust yout senses--if your hearts not in it--let it go--especially after just a few months of time invested. His getting defensive about things you want to discuss is definitley not a good sign. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Still_Small_Voice Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 I would pray about this subject. Ask Heavenly Father to speak to you thru the scriptures regarding this subject and open the scriptures and start studying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 No disrespect meant by this..but when I first read the title of this thread..the first thing that came to mind was the song by The Clash. "Should I stay or should I go?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 (edited) Ayayay... Here's my 2 cents. You may not like what I'm gonna say, but hey, it's just my opinion, okay? When I was a teenager, I have this dream guy in my head. He has to be 6 inches taller than me so I can wear heels, he has to be 2 years older than me so he is mature, he has to like the opera, be Catholic, be very intelligent, be a doctor or a lawyer, or an engineer, romantic, understanding, etc. etc. etc... Guess who I married - 14 inches taller than me, 6 years younger than me, out-of-work runway model, without a college degree, never been to an opera, LDS, not a single romantic bone in his body... We are almost the other person's opposite - what he likes, I don't like, and vice versa. When we fight, we go all out because we're both the stubborn pig-headed type. So, my family and his family still couldn't figure out why in the world we got married and how we lasted 12 years in this marriage. The way it's looking, we're probably gonna be changing each other's Depends. So, how does this tie back into the OP? Well, the reason why it works is not because we don't have issues. The reason is because we are both committed to a solution! We both have utmost respect for each other, unshakeable trust, and do not have divorce in our vocabulary. Sometimes it is hard and we end up thinking it couldn't possibly get solved, but hey, we always find a way. The way you are describing your relationship, it is only 5% of the problems in my relationship, that is, 5% of the problems that are going to come at you when you're married. And the way you are talking about your communication issues, you are talking like he is the one with the problem. Thinking this way, it will never work between you... or anybody else for that matter. Because, even if you leave this one guy and go with another, that other guy will have his own issues too. There's no PERFECT PERSON for you. YOU are what makes it perfect. So, instead of saying - he's this and that and don't this and that - you need to think, hmm... this is his communication style, how do I adjust my own communication style so we can progress past the problem? If he's not worth the effort, then go find the guy who is. The trick is, he has to be as committed to this relationship as you are. He might be very committed to it, he just doesn't know how to talk to you, because he might think you're the one with the issues! See, this way, you'll never be able to see eye-to-eye. And guess what, it would be the same with any other guy. One thing I love about that movie, The Notebook, is what the guy said towards the end of the movie... Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a b and I tell you when you are a pain in the a. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-a thing. Young Allie: So what? Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. That is sooo my husband and I... we work hard at this marriage - we've gotten to the point where I can kinda see when our fighting dance is starting, and we've both learned to change our dance steps so we don't cycle back to the old endless arguments! But that didn't happen on the first week, or the first year even... that took a lot of "getting to really know what makes you tick" time. I look 50 years from now, or even beyond the veil, and all I see is him and me. If this guy is not the guy you can do this with, then find the guy who is. Edited June 21, 2009 by anatess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heavenguard Posted June 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 Actually I'm surprised anyone would defend this behavior as you do in your second post.Actually, I wasn't trying to defend him. It would have been a defense to the point where he actually felt like I was attacking him, and so acted that way. However, it was an example of how he was making me angry, because I'd already prior explained to him that it wasn't attacking him (but trying to bring up the point so we can discuss it), but he kept acting like I was attacking him.In any case, thanks for your responses, you guys. We had yet another argument about the same stuff. But this time he actually told me how he feels about things, rather than just trying to turn things around and blame me. So I took that and said I can own up to my actions and how they make him feel, and work on that, but said that he also needs to own up to his actions, to which he agreed. I honestly don't know if he will actually do that, but I'm going to take him finally communicating in a real way as a positive sign, at least in terms of actual willingness.I did, however, also follow up by saying that I still need time away from him, and that the relationship itself is in a very precarious place. We both agreed that if things don't get better, it'll be done, because this has been stressful for both of us. So basically this is the last chance - at least on the matter that I feel like he doesn't listen to or respect me when I try to bring up issues. Personally, I believe that a couple can work through anything, as anatess has shown. But I also know that both people need to be willing and committed to actually working through things. I know it's supposed to be a two-way street, both people have to be willing to make extra efforts as well as concessions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 Each person has to give 100%...successful marriage isn't 50/50. I agree with Anatess' approach after you're married. President Kimball said that before marriage keep your eyes wide open, and after marriage keep them half shut. Good advice!!! Good Luck, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heavenguard Posted June 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2009 Well, my no-longer gentleman friend made the decision, so I didn't have to. He just said he didn't want to work on it anymore. So. That's pretty non-negotiable. I didn't particularly feel the need to update, however, I did want to thank you guys for sharing and support. It seems like it was more than I got from him. Thanks, I really mean it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seanette Posted June 28, 2009 Report Share Posted June 28, 2009 Sounds like you can (and very likely will) do MUCH better than this bozo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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