worn down

[tootired]

Hello,

I am life member of the church and have always had a testimony of the gospel. I have always tried to do what is right, even when I had my own doubts. I have tried to be obedient. I have had hundreds of blessings. I had a good childhood but battled depression my whole life. I learned to accept it and have learned coping strategies through medical help and through prayer and the scriptures. I have tried to practice faith and hope when faced with trials, and I always tried to apply the principle of "enduring to the end" and have tried to become stronger through trials. As I have raised my children i have always given them the gospel answers that I was taught....

But now I am tired and worn down. I can truthfully say that after 43 years, 21 years of marriage and 3 children, my trials have NOT made me stronger!!! They have beaten me down. When I try to tell others in the church about my trials, they are dumbfounded. They give the same gospel answers i used to believe, but they are really left speechless. I don't talk to other women at church anymore. They talk about the few trials they've had, and it just doesn't come close to what I've experienced. I seem to get more emotional support from my non member freinds. But even they are amazed by how much I have really had to endure. Even my pschyciatrist is amazed. The bishops I've had have run out of answers.

I am in constant fear of more "bad luck" as i have started calling it. I used to think that tomorrow will be a better day. But now I know that tomorrow something else bad will happen and i live in constant fear. Is there anyone out there who has experienced so much tribulation that they feel as though God has finally forsaken them? Because I do.

[rampion]

I wonder if you're trying to fit a mold that doesn't fit you. I relate to much of what you wrote. Don't know how our trials compare, but I'm married almost 20 years, have 3 kids, was about the same age as you were starting my family. I don't know about you, but I grew up never questioning that a woman's role is to get married and raise children, and that's what you do because it's expected. Back then, I didn't really think about what I wanted to do, or what I was ready for. I didn't really grow up or figure out who I was. I felt so trapped, especially after so many years as a stay at home mom in a little house that didn't have room for us, and that felt like a prison to me because I didn't think I could ever go anywhere without taking the kids, which I didn't have enough energy to do.

I lived with depression my whole life. Looking back, I can positively identify it as early as age five. It never went away. The pressure, and the guilt, just trying to fit that mold and be what parents, and the church, and everybody, all seemed to think that I should be was enough to crack me. I went off the deep end when my oldest was 11. I was trying to home school, and live up to that image, but I was failing.

There were a series of things that helped me to start to get free. I had to hit the bottom first. I was so desperate I almost decided to kill myself because everyone would be better off without me. Never actually attempted, but was close several times. A neighbor or someone turned me in to DCFS because I was scary. The DCFS worker came on a day that the kids had their math books all set out all over the living room, and the house was in respectible shape that day, for us that is, and it was obvious that I was trying, but I was so stressed out. She asked me if I ever got a break, and I said no, and she said my kids were old enough that I could leave the oldest in charge, and go for a walk by myself. I never knew that I could do that. Now the youngest is 11, and they are all pretty independent, and I get out when I want to. Another thing was realizing that other people have options and go after them and they are ok, even if they have the same challenges that I do. Moms with kids who are also respected professionals, and some even who battle depression and they still do it. I gradually started to change my life. I went back to school and started a career. I'm a better mom now than I was when I was stuck and didn't think I had choices.

Some of the talks by church leaders and others still hurt, because I remember how stuck I was, and I still have relapses, but not as bad as it used to be. And the church is true, even if we aren't all cut out with the same cookie cutter. I know you're not me, but I wonder how much control you have in your life, and if you know that it's up to you to change what's not working and that you can make your life your own. If you're trying to live a life that isn't you, no meds or blessings or anything else is going to relieve your depression until you listen to it and see what it is that you need. I hope you find something that helps you, and hope I didn't assume too much with this post.

[ryanmercer]

my trials have NOT made me stronger!!! They have beaten me down.

Coming from someone that quite literally used to actively worship Satan... and is quite accustomed to his trickery... this is a deception. They have made you stronger. You are here aren't you? You've made it this far haven't you? A lot of people would have thrown in the towel and taken 'the easy way out' before they reached where you in life... in fact many do.

Now while I may not be the most active member of the Church... all I can tell you is don't buy into this deception. You've given marriage much longer than most, you've probably done your best to raise good kids, you've given life a lot longer than many, I'm sure you are a great spouse, parent, and worker. Just know that.

[dazed-and-confused]

my dear sister, my heart goes out to you. i am male ( i say that so we can be clear on that and also, people often assume i'm female for some reason...lol....i don't get it). unlike your childhood, mine was wrought with abuses, not too much physical beatings, but emotional abuse and sexual abuse, all at the hands of adult women, stating at a VERY early age....pre-teen. it left me very angry and in a lot of pain which took me years of therapy to recognise and then begin to deal with. i mention these things as some sort of qualifying statement to precede my point. also, i am a convert.

i testify to you, that i know the feelings you are experiencing....the sense of being at the end of one's rope.......and of, "DA*N, i'm just tired of it all", but having such a deep testamony in HF at the same time, and feeling the "life energy" that that brings, even through all the crap...lol.......and the confusion it brings to mind as well, such as, "why do i have such a strong testamony and still feel all this stress?...and seem to have all these THINGS do deal with?.....and i'm just so tired of it all"

i am now 57 years old and have gone through exactly what you seem to be talking about. it may mnot be the exact same circumstances, but it is the same mental and emotional point. it's like a different path to the same spot in life.

like you, i believe in enduring to the end...and sometimes wishing that the end would come sooner, not later. i have been TOO CLOSE, TOO MANY TIMES to stepping in myself and resolving all my life issues...you know what i mean? i cannot do that, and i believe that you can't do it either. but i just get so tired.

as i said, i am 57......really just an old hippie....and there was, and is,...lol....and old saying..........stop and smell the roses. i have NO doubt that when you take time to reflect on aspects of your life, you see so much love....and laughter, as in comedy.......really, looking back, aren't there just SO MANY funny moments that really also meant something important in your life? i know that there have been.

there have been too many times when i didn't know if i wanted to cry hysterically or laugh my a** off....sometimes both at the same time.

i also suffer from depression and i am on medication for it. my deprssion started so early that i just took it as normal life, EXCEPT, there were these times...when it seemed that light shone through and i REALLY felt what life had to offer.....but that didn't last forever, even as i prayed it would.

you have mentioned your shrink (lol..i still call them that), so i believe that you know more about delving more deeply into your "issues" than most people do. i understand your feelings about not talking to some members because it seemed you just got the same old "pat" answers from them. did you feel like they weren't REALLY interested or even really understood? perhaps you did.

truth is, i may be a MILLION miles from understanding what you are talking about, but the things you said did touch some things within myself....as a kind of recognition. If i am mistaken and have mis-spoken, please forgive me.

my point is this.......you have reached out hoping to find some recognition......another berry off the same bush you're from, so to speak....there are MANY berries from that bush in life.....and you ARE NOT alone, and therein confirms your life and experiences.....your/our own "band of brothers and sisters", if you will.

if i was there, i'd give you this in person....as it is....maybe you can close yoyr eyes..take a deep breath..and feel the hug i am sending to my sister.

[MsQwerty]

Hi Toot. This is my first post here...just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel. Many of us have experienced what seems to be one trial after another to the point of despair. I really don't want know what to say to help you feel better, but I wish I did.

If it helps, I think I've walked a little in your shoes and know that sometimes it's hard to stay optimistic when life keeps sending curveballs your way. You say that people (like psychiatrists and bishops) are amazed and don't know what to say to give you 'answers' for how to cope with your life's challenges...maybe that's the problem...maybe this is something only the Saviour can help you with.

There was a very good article in this month's Ensign magazine on the healing power of the atonement. In it a woman discusses how she struggled for decades with the effects of childhood abuse and the inability to forgive others. Her answer finally came from laying her pain at the feet of the Saviour and allowing his healing power to soothe her spirit. If you haven't read it, maybe the article might help you...I know it certainly gave me food for thought with some of the issues I struggle with. The following quote was helpful for me, maybe it will be for you too:

"Until then, my understanding of the Atonement was limited to repentance and forgiveness. I had been an active member of the Church all of my life—graduating from seminary, participating in institute, serving in a variety of callings, and raising my family to live by gospel standards—but I had never

really understood the healing power of the Atonement. I had no idea how personal and penetrating it could be, no idea that it could heal my broken heart and take away the pain and hurt and anger and bitterness that I had been feeling for so many years.

Oh, how I wish I had understood that principle sooner! It wasn’t until I could give my pain and

anguish to the Lord and let go of the wounds that had been festering within me that I could also begin to forgive...Then the real healing could start to take place. It took some time to work through the issues that I was dealing with, but I began to feel peace in my life. Through my understanding of the Atonement, I was able to move past the crippling image I had created of myself..."

See: http://www.lds.org/churchmagazines/EN_2009_07_00___04207_000_000.pdf

“The wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in

this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your attitude can control the change for good in your life. It allows you to have the help the Lord intends you to receive. No one can take away your ultimate opportunities when you understand and live eternal law. The laws of your Heavenly Father and the Atonement

of the Lord have made it possible that you will not be robbed of the opportunities which come to the children of God.”

Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve

Apostles, “Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,”

Ensign, May 1992, 31–32.

[lestertheemt]

Dear Too.................

I feel that you have taken words right from my aching soul. Please, please know that you are not alone.

Many, many times I have felt forsaken by our Heavenly Father and have cried in anguish for the hurt and the pain to simple go away. It seems as if those prayers, those pleadings and beggings have gone unanswered. What I have come to realize and perhaps understand is that pain is apart of who I am but not what I am. I have allowed it to conquer me because I became obsessed with it.

By no means am I better I battle my demons every day and some days I lose. But that is so ok!!!! I don't have to win every battle..............because the ones I do win makes me want to win even more.

I am not sure if my ramblings have helped, but because you still get up every morning and do what you need to do you too are winning a battle. See the blessings that you do have, don't get lost in the ones you don't.

From one sister to another --((hugs))

[freckleface]

Welcome, tootired.

[bytebear]

Hi Tootired. After reading your post, all I can think is how those other women are complaining about the little things when you have been through things much bigger. It seems to me, if you are just getting tired now, you must be mighty strong!

[Lilac]

I'm not LDS but Protestant looking into LDS (Just to clarify).

I'm with ya.

I've had so much stuff happen to me that when I announce another trial, people just say "are you joking?" It's one thing after another after another after another. I feel like it never ends. Some mornings I'm actually scared to get up and find out what is going to wrong today. After a MAJOR bill of $8,000 just this past month (Heating/cooling system broke) which we could not afford and had to scrounge around for money, the transmission on our work car is shot. We need that car to get to work...how can I pay for the transmission if we can't get to work? Stuff like this is never ending for us.

Thankfully, my husband, kids and are healthy. But my trials started when my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. At the age of 26 (when most people are still finding themselves) I was the primary caregiver, working full time, married and pregnant with my first child. She died after five long years of chemotherapy. She was my best friend. I dont think I'll ever get over that really.

After my mom's death, it's just be one mess after another. The past years have been hard for us. But again, thankfully, we are all healthy. But I did have a miscarriage in the spring so I guess one tiny little person wasn't that healthy. I think I've been depressed lately since the miscarriage and not being able to get pregnant again. I've been feeling overwhelmed and like a failure. On top of everythin that keeps going wrong for us.

I don't know...some people sail through life and others are just constantly burdened.

I do think that trials make you a better person and you grow spiritually, even if we don't feel like we do.

I'm looking in the LDS...I find no comfort in my present Protestant faith. Ok, maybe some but not much. My miscarriage put me over the edge with my faith...I searched and searched and not one person could give me any assurance of where my unborn baby went? Ok, I'm off on a tangent.

I don't know if my post helped you much but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are many of us who are getting tired and wearing down.

I'm glad you shared. Burdens are lighter when carried together. Even if it is on the internet with annonymous people. Just knowing that there are others who walk with you helps.

I heard a funny quote on the radio one day. I think it's from a Rocky movie. (I'm not a movie person)

It's not how many times you get hit, it's how many times you get back up.

There are days I don't feel like getting back up but I always do.

[Dr T]

Welcome :)

[jadams_4040]

Hello,

I am life member of the church and have always had a testimony of the gospel. I have always tried to do what is right, even when I had my own doubts. I have tried to be obedient. I have had hundreds of blessings. I had a good childhood but battled depression my whole life. I learned to accept it and have learned coping strategies through medical help and through prayer and the scriptures. I have tried to practice faith and hope when faced with trials, and I always tried to apply the principle of "enduring to the end" and have tried to become stronger through trials. As I have raised my children i have always given them the gospel answers that I was taught....

But now I am tired and worn down. I can truthfully say that after 43 years, 21 years of marriage and 3 children, my trials have NOT made me stronger!!! They have beaten me down. When I try to tell others in the church about my trials, they are dumbfounded. They give the same gospel answers i used to believe, but they are really left speechless. I don't talk to other women at church anymore. They talk about the few trials they've had, and it just doesn't come close to what I've experienced. I seem to get more emotional support from my non member freinds. But even they are amazed by how much I have really had to endure. Even my pschyciatrist is amazed. The bishops I've had have run out of answers.

I am in constant fear of more "bad luck" as i have started calling it. I used to think that tomorrow will be a better day. But now I know that tomorrow something else bad will happen and i live in constant fear. Is there anyone out there who has experienced so much tribulation that they feel as though God has finally forsaken them? Because I do.

you are 100 percent wrong, you have received many blessings from your lifes trials. think about it a lot harder, and this time put the lord first, not yourself.:)

[rampion]

How a person feels can't be wrong. It is simply how that person feels. Depression is real, and the feelings are real. They aren't permanent, but they often feel that way. Acceptance is the first step to change. You wouldn't tell a person with cancer or diabetes to stop putting themself first, would you?

[Maya]

Hi Too tired and welcome. You are in the right place anyway coming here. I been there I done that. I think I should add my mountain on my bloggs... you can find my writtings in my profile you get there by clikcking my avatar...

I used to feel likie a football everyone was kicking and finally that was left under a bush as it got a hole....

Anyway one thing that has helped is to forget my own worries and start serving others.... eh not that I would hear about anyone in the church needing help... well I just stuck my nbose everywhere trying to serve.

I never was loosing my faith though I was just angry as I never seemed to get any sun... so I found this netside (not this one:p) where I could defend the church... I felt important.. I felt I did good job there. That might not be so clever for you as you feel you are loosing your faith.... but are you really looosing faith or are you just angry and beeing rebellious not WANTING to believe? I think it is ok to be angry at God sometimes. I have given it to him a couple of times believe me! I wonder if I have written the footprints there in my blocks have to go chek that too.... have to get that there too...

Anyway if you blaim Good about something do some karate with him... it will get over, but dont get bigatorious. Often our problems are not from God but from our surroundings and really from our own wrong decitions.

Get up and fight for it it is worth it!