I have no idea what to do

[ServiceDogHandler]

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I have to make a really tough decision in the next couple of days and I have no idea what to do. And of course the decision is mine to make with no help from my AH since he has no part in the kids lives. I have to decide weather to split my kids up, I get the 2 boys and my parents take permant custody of my oldest who is my daughter. Or Take all 3 kids. Why is this such a hard decision? There are many reasons. My daughter has sever emotional problems and acts out by seeking out and hurting her brothers severly. She also lies to everyone. Not little lies huge ones that can cause the children to be removed by social services. She destroys property and her own possesions. My oldest son also has ADHD and color blindness. He is only 4 so is having a hard time dealing with all of the stuff happening.

For safety reason it hsa been suggested to split them up. At least for a while. This way my daughter can get the one on one care she needs and supervision and structure she needs and the boys do not learn from her example and also are safe and my oldest son can get more care and attention that he needs.

I am going to be a single mom either way. My heart aches to have all of them home. I love all my kids. But everyone is telling me I need to look at the big picture. I need to do what is best for them since I obviously have failed them when it came to protecting them from my AH. I want to make the right decision.

Why am I always the responsible one? Why do I have to make all the hard life changing decisions? Why do the addicts get to make an exit to do as they please with no responsibility? I love my kids> I don't want to hurt any of them. I want them to have the best life possible. I am so lost.

[NeuroTypical]

How old are the kids?

Also, how good are things between you and your parents?

[Hemidakota]

- subscribed -

[ServiceDogHandler]

My daughter is 10. My sons are 4 & 18 months. Right now things are great between my parents and I. It has been strained at times in the past but now that I am no longer with my addicted/abusive husband things have been fine.

[prospectmom]

I knwo it hurts your heart but you have to do what is right for them. You wil be blessed in the end.

Your parents could help make a positive difference in your daughters life and its never forever. She may get better. And sounds like you have your hands full wiht your other two plus your still adjusting to being a single parent . Pray get a blessing. It will all get better.

[ryanh]

Wow that must be a tough position to be in. I guess what I and others can bring in offering suggestions is logical evaluation without our own emotions being caught up in your situation.

From purely a practical standpoint, it would seem best for your daughter to live with your parents. From what you described, that sounds like it would not only be best for the welfare of all three kids, but for your sanity too.

My head spins at all the potential complications that could be caused by your daughter's behavior towards the boys combined with lies. I suspect you'll already have scrutiny by CPS. It just sounds like a misunderstanding waiting to happen.

Why am I always the responsible one? Why do I have to make all the hard life changing decisions? Why do the addicts get to make an exit to do as they please with no responsibility?

Wow does that ever sound familiar. I participate on a private forum for spouses of those who have ADHD (which your AH likely has, along with several other issues IMO). Feeling like the only parent, the one on whose shoulders all significant burdens fall, is one of the most common complaints. You are justified IMO in wondering why, and lamenting how unfair it is. Just try not to let it get the better of you. You're kids need you to be able to step up and choose what is best for them.

Wishing you the best.

[LDSVALLEY]

Only you know for sure what is best for your kids. From what You've typed I would say going with your parents is the best for your daughter. And sounds like it would be unsafe for all of them.

As for the rest the reason you have to be the responsible one is that you are the responsible one. I used to wonder the same about myself for many years. It is very hard and tiring to be that way. But it is far better for yourself f and family then the alternate choice. The truth is you don't have to be responsible, drop your kids off at your parents and take off. If you even think in your mind about doing it and see the regret you will have you will now know why you are as you are.

Turn to the Lord for strength and direction he will support and help you if you let him. Remember it might seem easier for others in this life but they will pay the price in the next. Hope things work out for your family. Time is a great healer of problems we just need to keep things in Gods time.

[prospectmom]

YOu know I wrote what I wrote because I have been in some very bad situations and I have learned

while you may not see the light there is always one at the end and you just have to pray and hold on . Do what is right for you, in your heart after praying then you will be strong in the knowledge you did your best and honestly things will inprove if your and your parents are using all the resources available. I will pray xtra for you , breathe and remember to take care of yourself so you can be at your best for your children.

[mightynancy]

How close do you and your parents live to one another? Will you be able to see your daughter regularly? Is she in therapy?

[lilered]

Might I suggest you fast and pray about this and ask the Lord for his guidance and blessing.

[FairChild]

As a sister to a brother that abused all of his siblings, please let me give you my perspective. I am 52, he is 51 and the other siblings range in age down to my youngest brother in his twenties. My parents did nothing to stop his abuse nor did they take any steps to get him any of the help he needed. My brother was a bright, handsome child that had tremendous potential. Because of our past history, none of his siblings will have anything to do with him, even though at this point in time, it seems he is a non-abuser. I know you want to keep your family together. It is a most precious trust given to you by our loving Heavenly Father. By allowing your daughter to get the help she so desperately needs, you may actually keep open the pathway to a better long term relationship between your children. As a divorced parent that raised my sons alone, I made all the major decisions. It is beyond scary, it is actually terrifying at times. There is a silver lining if you chose to look for it. You will have a better handle on what your children's needs and even wants are. You will have a loving and close relationship that time will never ever be able to erode. You are not sending your child that needs the most help away to be cared for by others, you are making sure she is in the safest, most prepared home that can help you help raise her. She will have the potential when she is better able to handle it, to have a relationship with her brothers that she is not able to have at this time. You are a good mom. You need to remember that. You also need to be taking care of yourself at this time. It is important that your children see that you value yourself, because they need to find value in others and themselves. I know it is hard, but you are stretching and growing right now and that is not often easy. Take care and let us know what you have decided.