Advice For The Love Lorn

[Guest Godless]

lilered,

I can't seem to get girls to see that excessive body hair is a good thing, and there's absolutely nothing gross about it. Suggestions?

[MorningStar]

Your body hair or their body hair?

[Guest Godless]

Your body hair or their body hair?

Mine.

[pam]

Lilered what should I do about a baby that seems to think he can give advise to the love lorn and read palms?

[MorningStar]

Lilered, how can I get my husband to stop offering me mayonnaise? It's gross.

[FairChild]

How can I meet wonderful, unmarried, older men?

[FairChild]

Did I mention they should not be attached to a respirator or a moraphine drip?

[FunkyTown]

Did I mention they should not be attached to a respirator or a moraphine drip?

How old is 'Older'?

Most LDS members past a certain age are married - I would set that age at about 24. That seems to be the point where everyone gets married. Past that, most of the people will be those who didn't marry for some reason or another, or people who divorced for one reason or another.

There isn't a place where they conglomerate, but I would recommend going to SA conferences. A lot of people go there.

[lilered]

Dear mynewlife:

Should we hold up the left or the right? Ans. Yes

Or does that depend on our situation and the advice we need? Yes

How can I get control of the remote control so my husband will stop channel surfing during commercials? First, take the batteries in his remote control and turn them around and reistall. The remote won't work and it will drive him nuts trying to figure out what's wrong. Be sure and hide any new good batteries. Second, buy yourself a remote and control the channel you want to watch. or Third, Wear something real sexy and blow him kisses and give him that come hither look. He won't want to watch T.V.

Edited August 3, 2009 by lilered

[lilered]

lilered,

I can't seem to get girls to see that excessive body hair is a good thing, and there's absolutely nothing gross about it. Suggestions?

Dear Godless:

Obviously, some women don't appreciate aunatural man in his original Darwinin form. Therefore, you may want consider to start dating European Country Women. They enjoy leaving their body haird also. This could lead to some hairy expierences.

Think of the excitement if you both had beards and could compare food particles. Think of the money one could save on deodorant alone. or

Start dating orangetangs, they would stay by you for peanuts compared to women cost anyway.

[lilered]

Your body hair or their body hair?

Dear MorningStar

Yes. Either way, it would be a hairy expierence for both.

[lilered]

Lilered what should I do about a baby that seems to think he can give advise to the love lorn and read palms?

Dear Pam:

Embrace the moment, Babies are known for their beauty, sometimes wonderful smells, and innocence. After all, both men and women love babies. Either way it boils down to jabber:D

[lilered]

Lilered, how can I get my husband to stop offering me mayonnaise? It's gross.

Dear MorningStar: You poor dear, I can't imagine why you have put up with him this long. You must be a Saint. It is time to put an end to his mischief. I would strongly recommend you keep track of the number of times he does this over the next week. Then, for every time he does this, say to him in your most kind and loving voice.

I have asked you to stop this madness, but you insist, therefore I love you with all my heart, but until you stop. I am going to quit ironing your underwear, feeding you chocolate strawberries while lying on the bear rug in front of the fireplace, and no more showering together. And if it doesn't stop after that, then take the next step. Quite washing and waxing his car, mowing the lawn, and refuse to go with him to Home Depot and Lowes. I am sure he will get the message.

I know, it shouldn't take this much pain, but it sounds like your just going to have to put your foot down.

[lilered]

How can I meet wonderful, unmarried, older men?

Dear FairChild: I would strongly advise you to join AARP. Then, I would volunteer for the Nearest Assisted Living Center and if that doesn't do it, then in your spare time try sitting on one of the front benches in Walmart. And finally if that fails, get a part time job at your nearest "Floppers", which is for older unmarried men. (Floppers is the same as "Hooters" but for the older crowd.)

[lilered]

Did I mention they should not be attached to a respirator or a moraphine drip?

Dear FairChild: I don't blame you sweety. They are so hard to dance with having one of those strapped to them. After all, this type are probably only looking for a purse or a nurse anyway, if you get my drift.

[Dravin]

Start dating orangetangs, they would stay by you for peanuts compared to women cost anyway.

Orangutans are known to attack in murderous rage due to their keepers missing extremely subtle signals that only one of their own kind would notice. Not all that different from women now that I think about it...

/me looks at the company he's in.

Uh... I think I forgot to turn off the oven, gotta go!

[pam]

Orangutans are known to attack in murderous rage due to their keepers missing extremely subtle signals that only one of their own kind would notice. Not all that different from women now that I think about it...

/me looks at the company he's in.

Uh... I think I forgot to turn off the oven, gotta go!

Oh the trouble you are in now.

[beefche]

Orangutans are known to attack in murderous rage due to their keepers missing extremely subtle signals that only one of their own kind would notice. Not all that different from women now that I think about it...

/me looks at the company he's in.

Uh... I think I forgot to turn off the oven, gotta go!

Dear lilered,

What am I to do with a young neanderthal who thinks women are murderous raging monkeys? Frankly, my first inclination was to prove him right. But I'm thinking there is a better way to show the kinder side of women.

Thank you for your timely, insightful advice.

[pam]

This needs to be in a forum where we have the laugh option.

[rameumptom]

Yeah, my mom had never heard that saying before. It stopped her in her tracks for a whole minute, then she started to roar with laughter. They got along really well after that.

Are you still seeing the girlfriend, or do you have to swing by your Mom's house to visit her?

[rameumptom]

Dear lilered,

What am I to do with a young neanderthal who thinks women are murderous raging monkeys? Frankly, my first inclination was to prove him right. But I'm thinking there is a better way to show the kinder side of women.

Thank you for your timely, insightful advice.

I'd like to note that Orangutans are not monkeys, but apes. And they cannot help having red hair, which causes them to occasionally fly off the handle. Women have their own reasons for flying off into murderous rages. So, let's not compare apes to women, shall we?

[rameumptom]

Dear Lilered,

My problem has to do with my marriage. I can't seem to convince my wife that biting my toenails is not sexy. It's bad enough when she bites her own, after all. What can I do?

[lilered]

Dear lilered,

What am I to do with a young neanderthal who thinks women are murderous raging monkeys? Frankly, my first inclination was to prove him right. But I'm thinking there is a better way to show the kinder side of women.

Thank you for your timely, insightful advice.

Dear Beefche: Oh believe me dear there is. Do what I do, when this happens at our house. I put on very romatic music, turn the lights waaaaaay down low. Light the fireplace, and then causually announce I am going to jump in the shower. I leave the bedroom door open and the bathroom door cracked just enough. I take an extra long shower.

By this time, my spouse is in very excitable stage, waiting breathlessly for my presence in the family room. Just about the time I believe she is at her most heightened stage, I come out of the bathroom, in full pajamas, and holler out to her "Good nite, Dear", jump into bed and turn out the lights and go to sleep. The suffering that poor girl goes thru is unmentionable, but once in awhile, I just have to show her whose boss.

Next time, she isn't so domineering.

[lilered]

Dear Lilered,

My problem has to do with my marriage. I can't seem to convince my wife that biting my toenails is not sexy. It's bad enough when she bites her own, after all. What can I do?

Ram: For heaven sakes, She has obviously developed a taste for toe jam and this usually a sign of poor diet. IF she doesn't stop this insidious sex hangup, her teeth will rot and fall out. So, buy the poor girl a teething ring and start having her eat a carrot three times a day. This should help her sight improve so that she can see the plate of strawberries dipped in chocolate you have prepared for her sitting on the bedstand.

Incidentially, this custom originated with the Borneo Cannibal Pygmies prior to their first discovering Coke a Cola. They used to call them footy fingers instead of toes. Once they found out that things are better with Coke, the give chewing toe nails up.

[beefche]

Dear Beefche: Oh believe me dear there is. Do what I do, when this happens at our house. I put on very romatic music, turn the lights waaaaaay down low. Light the fireplace, and then causually announce I am going to jump in the shower. I leave the bedroom door open and the bathroom door cracked just enough. I take an extra long shower.

By this time, my spouse is in very excitable stage, waiting breathlessly for my presence in the family room. Just about the time I believe she is at her most heightened stage, I come out of the bathroom, in full pajamas, and holler out to her "Good nite, Dear", jump into bed and turn out the lights and go to sleep. The suffering that poor girl goes thru is unmentionable, but once in awhile, I just have to show her whose boss.

Next time, she isn't so domineering.

Although this is an answer to my question on how to show Dravin the kinder side of women, just for the record, Dravin, I am not going to do this for you.