havejoy Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Dear Lilered, When I get up to go to the bathroom during the night my husband jumps up and grabs all the Boston ferns that hang in our living room and he puts them on my side of the bed. He says he doesn't ever remember doing this. How can I get him to stop this behavior or should I just stop drinking after 5:00pm? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted August 4, 2009 Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Although this is an answer to my question on how to show Dravin the kinder side of women, just for the record, Dravin, I am not going to do this for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2009 Dear Lilered,When I get up to go to the bathroom during the night my husband jumps up and grabs all the Boston ferns that hang in our living room and he puts them on my side of the bed. He says he doesn't ever remember doing this. How can I get him to stop this behavior or should I just stop drinking after 5:00pm?Dear havejoy: It seems to me that there is a win-win situation here. First, lets assume he is being honest. If so, I suspect he is doing somehting in bed that he doesn't want you to see and he is hiding it behind the Boston Ferns. So first lets eliminate that problem. Take a weed eater to the ferns so they can't be used as a barrier. Then dry the cuttings and smoke them instead of wacky tobbacy. You may have a clear shot then of seeing exactly what he is doing while your in the bathroom. Get a blow up doll and place it on your side of the bed.Ask him to join you for a few drinks prior to coming to bed, then after he goes to sleep, bungy strap him in bed and duct tape his hands around the blow up doll, so he won't injury himself or the blow up doll. Move the bar into the bathroom which will save you steps. That way you won't have so far to crawl into bed and can drink longer. He won't be able to step on your hands either in the process. Walla, everyone wins but the blow up doll:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 Dear Lilered, I used to be very popular on this site until they made me a Moderator. Now I walk around with a cloud over my head, as I suspiciously eye everyone, convinced that lurking in each and every heart is a commie pinko Anti-Mormon scum. Should I act on my suspicions and ban everyone I think is a traitor, or just stop reading all that literature that Pale Rider and Ben send me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyTown Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 Dear Lilered,I used to be very popular on this site until they made me a Moderator. Now I walk around with a cloud over my head, as I suspiciously eye everyone, convinced that lurking in each and every heart is a commie pinko Anti-Mormon scum.Should I act on my suspicions and ban everyone I think is a traitor, or just stop reading all that literature that Pale Rider and Ben send me?Wait... Am I commie pinko anti-Mormon scum or just regular commie pinko scum, Rame? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 Wait... Am I commie pinko anti-Mormon scum or just regular commie pinko scum, Rame?Oh, no, Funky...you're not regular people....you have a special tracking device that alerts us all the time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted August 5, 2009 Report Share Posted August 5, 2009 Dear Lil I Red: I used the word "lorn" and my S.O. scoffed. So instead I used "bereft", and she scoffed yet more. I am deeply wounded. Can you help me understand how best to get cold revenge? Thanks, Lorn and Bereft Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 How can I meet wonderful, unmarried, older men? The "older" caught my attention, but then you preceded it with the word "wonderful". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Are you still seeing the girlfriend, or do you have to swing by your Mom's house to visit her? Both have moved on to a better place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Wait... Am I commie pinko anti-Mormon scum or just regular commie pinko scum, Rame?If you are a commie pinko scum, then you are obviously also Anti-Mormon. But to be fair, first answer these questions for me:Who did you vote for in the last election? How many times in the past 5 years have you read the Book of Mormon all the way through?What kind of car do you own/drive?What is the average air speed for a coconut-laden swallow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 What is the average air speed for a coconut-laden swallow?African or European?Sorry, couldn't resist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyTown Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 If you are a commie pinko scum, then you are obviously also Anti-Mormon. But to be fair, first answer these questions for me:Who did you vote for in the last election? Green! Not because of their ecological platform, but because of their economic platform. How many times in the past 5 years have you read the Book of Mormon all the way through?3! Not fantastic, but not terrible.What kind of car do you own/drive?None! I have moved to England and people drive crazy up here.What is the average air speed for a coconut-laden swallow?African or European? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Funky-boy, keep up. Dravin already asked that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Dear Lilered,I used to be very popular on this site until they made me a Moderator. Now I walk around with a cloud over my head, as I suspiciously eye everyone, convinced that lurking in each and every heart is a commie pinko Anti-Mormon scum.Should I act on my suspicions and ban everyone I think is a traitor, or just stop reading all that literature that Pale Rider and Ben send me?Dear Ram: I am a big support of removing the beam from ones own eye, before trying to remove it from someone else. The side benefit is that once removed, it allows you to keep an eye out for them. So, I would suggest first, taking a shower to clear the air a bit. Then, please stop smoking for your own health sake. This should remove the cloud that seems to be following you. Once this is done, then I would suggest making a donation at your nearest FAMSS office. In fact, make a list of of all the individuals you believe fall in that catagory and give that to your local FAMS director. Incidentlally FAMS stands for Federation Anti Mormon Scum Sucker, and solicte their help in disposing of the bodies. As for Pale and Ben, my mother would never let me even look at the pictures, let alone read the articles in the type of literature Ben and Pale read (normally in the bathroom). So, what I would do is submit their names to the Jehova Witnesses for monthly literature drop off. This should also stop the voices you have been hearing in your head and finally, put a garabage bag over your head at night when you sleep and this should help you get some rest from stress caused by your Moderator duties. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Dear Lil I Red:I used the word "lorn" and my S.O. scoffed. So instead I used "bereft", and she scoffed yet more.I am deeply wounded. Can you help me understand how best to get cold revenge?Thanks,Lorn and BereftDear Lorn and Bereft. First lets examine each word to determine just how far to go with this cold revenge thing.lorn means " to lose" while bereft means deprived or robbed. So which is it? Did you lose your love or are you deprived and feel like your robbed. If you have lost your love, then I would suggest you turn the water heater down for a few days and wait for your S.O. to back to the bargaining table and cuddle to get warm. However, if you are really deprived as most of us men are, that will take a little different approach. I would suggest you take your S.O.. to Sams Club and visit the jewlery counter, make a couple of off the wall subtle hints that you are thinking of buying her a present that you just know she will like. Make sure you also walk around the other isles, etc. especially around the man things. Then I would take her up front and buy her one of those delicious Sam Hot Dogs and a small drink. Perhaps top the afternoon off with a bag of cotton candy. Then suggest she meet you out in the car, while you pickup her present.Only instead of the jewlery counter, walk over to the candy counter and pickup her favorite treat or candy bar. Make sure she doesn't see it when you return. Then suggest you take an afternoon nap together. Once your fantasy afternoon is complete, then give her present (for added effect, maybe even gift wrap it). Is that cold revenge enough for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 If you are a commie pinko scum, then you are obviously also Anti-Mormon. But to be fair, first answer these questions for me:Who did you vote for in the last election? How many times in the past 5 years have you read the Book of Mormon all the way through?What kind of car do you own/drive?What is the average air speed for a coconut-laden swallow?Warning to Ram and Funky: Don't be trying to shanghi my thread. If you really want to discuss Commie Pinko Scum, then start your own thread so all of the sickos can respond. This site is for those who are suffering because of their daily lives being attacked by the irresponbile actions of unkind nimrods who step on peoples feelings and treat them like slaves. Similiar to the pygmies in South Bornea. Besides we are a non-profit organization. :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairChild Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 What should I do about my friend's boyfriend named Bob. I don't like Bob because he is a jerk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 (edited) What should I do about my girlfriend's friend named FairChild? I don't like FairChild because she thinks I'm a jerk. Bob Edited August 7, 2009 by Vort Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 What should I do about my friend's boyfriend named Bob. I don't like Bob because he is a jerk. I know a Bob that can be a jerk at times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FunkyTown Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Warning to Ram and Funky: Don't be trying to shanghi my thread. If you really want to discuss Commie Pinko Scum, then start your own thread so all of the sickos can respond. This site is for those who are suffering because of their daily lives being attacked by the irresponbile actions of unkind nimrods who step on peoples feelings and treat them like slaves. Similiar to the pygmies in South Bornea. Besides we are a non-profit organization. :eek:Can I join on this non-profit organization that steps on pygmies in South Bornea? I promise I'll buy a new pair of cleats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 I know a Bob that can be a jerk at times. Don't drag you ex-husband into this, he's been gone for decades now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted August 7, 2009 Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Don't drag you ex-husband into this, he's been gone for decades now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 (edited) What should I do about my friend's boyfriend named Bob. I don't like Bob because he is a jerk.Dear FairChild: Are you sure that you are spelling his name correctly. It appears that you are spelling Bob backwards. Neverthless, I feel your pain. I knew a man once, that didn't have any arms or legs and liked to swim a lot. So we called him "Bob" too. But that's another story. A lot of men can be jerks, so don't just narrow that down to the ones named Bob only. Assuming you want to still be on friendly terms with your friend, I would suggest that you think positive and refer to him when introducing him to others as "Sweet William" from San Fransico. Kill him with kindness. Ask him if wants to go shopping for dresses with you and your friend, or to the beauty shop to get his hair styled. Or would he like to try your make up on. I'm thinking he won't spend want to spend much time with you in the future. Of course, you could change friends. I know some, who for the right price, would be your best friend. Edited August 7, 2009 by lilered Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Don't drag you ex-husband into this, he's been gone for decades now.Dear John Doe, please refer to my advise FairChild. I think I covered the drag part very well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted August 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2009 Can I join on this non-profit organization that steps on pygmies in South Bornea? I promise I'll buy a new pair of cleats!Dear FunkTown: I can only hope you are kidding. We need pygmies in this world. They have such wonderful talents and uses. Please try to appreciate them more and save yourself the purchase price of cleats. For example. They are fun to dance with and one can sit their drink on their head. Or assign them the task of lower shelve and cupboard duty. Much easier to shop for in Walmarts at the kiddy center. Also, they must be relegated to the back seat of a car to sit in a child restraint leaving the front seats for regular size adults. They are really good and boiling meat and cooking BBQ. And finally they eat a lot of shrimp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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