Was once a member.....

[AtticusFinch]

....and trying to come back.

I left the Church in 1989. I am a returned missionary who served in Honduras.

[Maxel]

Welcome back! I love your screen name- Atticus Finch is my all-time favorite fictional character.

[dazed-and-confused]

welcome. i served as a stake missionary shortly after joining, and went inactive shortly after that.....my not feeling worthy issues...lol.

i have come back but feel like i'm starting all over again, from scratch.

i also have always liked the name, atticus....welcome.

[Guest Believer_1829]

....and trying to come back.

I left the Church in 1989. I am a returned missionary who served in Honduras.

"Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda

[BenRaines]

Welcome to the site and welcome back on your journey.

Ben Raines

[pam]

Welcome back. I too love your screen name. Though it's been many years since you left..never too late to make that trek back.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Atticus,

I fourth the compliments on your screen name. In fact, I think I'll bump that book up on our nightly reading list with my two little girls. (Gotta finish 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe', make our way through a short ST:TOS comic book on telling the truth, and then bust through the entire collected works of Rudyard Kipling first, but then we'll hit Mockingbird.)

LM

(was away from the church for 6 years myself)

[Misshalfway]

Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing a little about your journey. Hope you feel supported in your progression. We all need that.

[Danite]

Welcome to the site we all need help getting home

[AtticusFinch]

thank you all. Maybe I will post my story. It is fairly long, but there might be some who would read it

[deals_dog]

Well post your story Atticus, we all could benefit from it. I have gone through a rough patch as well and fell away. And am enjoying the road back to activity, its fun and it is a growing process as with all things in life. Try not to be too hard on yourself for past mistakes, learn from them and move forward. That is what God would have you do. Keep smiling and choose the right in your life

Kind regards

Deals

[TattooBlackVest]

Hey,

I would certainly love to hear you story. Perhaps it will help me and others too!

TBV x

[AtticusFinch]

ok...but I warned you...it is long....

In 1981, I was a junior at the University of Texas. As a throwaway class, I took Speech. In class, I noticed a very cute girl who seemed very bright and was always cheerful. I watched her for several weeks and believed she has showed an interest in me. Finally, one day, after class, I asked her out. She smiled and told me that she was LDS and only dated LDS guys. I thanked her and went my way. At that time, I had little interest in God. I believed in God, don’t get me wrong, but I was mad at God.

A year earlier, a young female friend of mine died unnecessarily. I blamed God. Since that date, I had stopped going to the Lutheran Church I had attended with my family. I had turned my back on God as I believed God had turned His back on my friend.

On the last day of the semester, this cute LDS girl, Jenny, came to me and gave me a Book of Mormon. She asked me to read it. On the inside of the cover, she wrote that she hoped the Book of Mormon would help me as much as it had helped her. On my next trip to my parents house (I was living in a dorm), I placed the book on the bookshelf in my old bedroom, intending never to read it. I went on with my life.

I graduated from college in July, 1982. I bounced around a couple of jobs while trying to find THE job, I found myself living at my parent’s home in my old room. One day, in the spring of 1983, I came home for lunch to wash clothes. While some clothes were washing, I decided to read a book. While thumbing thru books on my bookshelf, that Book of Mormon fell off the shelf. I picked it up and sat down, deciding to see what it was while I waited on my clothes. I opened it up to a place and began reading. I had opened it to 3rd Nephi.

As I read, I began to get an incredible feeling. I decided I needed to know more about this. I got the phone book and looked in the yellow pages for “Mormon”. I found a listing that included several “wards” and one “stake”. Since there was only one stake, I figured I would call that number. It was about 12:30 pm. I dialed the number and, after a few rings, a man answered. He said he was the “Stake President”. I had no idea what that meant. He told me that I was lucky to have gotten him because he was never at the stake office during the day. On this particular day, he had come to retrieve some papers he needed. I told him who I was and that I was interested in talking to someone about what Mormons were and what they believed. He asked me how old I was and if I was married. I told him I was almost 23 and no, I was single. He gave me the number for the Missionaries of the University Ward and told me to give them a call.

[AtticusFinch]

I called the Missionaries. I told them I would like to speak to them. They thought it was a prank. No one called to talk to missionaries in Austin, Texas! They offered to come see me. I told them it would be better if I went to see them, because I lived way out in the country. I mentioned to them about the girl who had given me the Book of Mormon and they knew her, as she still attended the University Ward. We made an appointment for later that afternoon.

I met with the Missionaries at the University Ward. When I walked in, I was surprised to see Jenny, the girl who had given me the Book of Mormon, there with the missionaries. She was very happy to see me and asked if she could sit in. I agreed. The first meeting lasted four hours. When we finished, the Missionaries asked if they could see me the following week. I asked them if I could see them the following DAY.

We met almost every day that week. By the end of the week, I knew it was what I wanted. As I had never smoked or drank alcohol, there was little I had to overcome. It seemed so very right. I knew it was all true.

My parents disagreed. They were very much against it. Yet, I was baptized anyway on a Saturday afternoon. It was beautiful. I knew I was where God wanted me.

Soon after my baptism, I started a new job. I also started making new friends. One those friends soon became my best friend. He took me home for dinner and I met his family. He was the oldest of six children. The only one I did not meet was serving a mission. My friend had already returned from his mission. The family treated me as one of their own. Soon, I was at his house most Sundays. My family asked me to leave, and his family, when they heard, invited me to move in with them. It was such a blessing. Having not grown up LDS, I thought it was wonderful to live around LDS all day, every day.

Once a month, Father would do family interviews. We would discuss what was going on in our lives and how we could improve. Once, Father took the opportunity to ask me about serving a mission. I told him, emphatically, “No!”. I was not some 19-year-old kid. I was 23, and a college graduate. I needed to get on with my life. He dropped the subject. My Bishop tried broaching the once and I gave him the same reply. I was not going to serve a mission. Period.

Living with my LDS family was such an incredible experience. I had not lived in a big family and this was so wonderful. I finally had sisters. Dean and I both loved music. I had been writing my own for several years and sang in a club when I was in college. We decided to write an LDS concert. We spent all summer writing and practicing.

Edited August 6, 2009 by AtticusFinch

[AtticusFinch]

We finally had what we thought was a good product. It was called “Phases” and each song was about a different phase in a Mormon life. We performed it in Austin and Dallas. We called ourselves “7th Angel”.

During this time, I met an LDS girl and we became engaged. We spent a lot of time together. She had been married once before and had a one-year-old boy from her previous marriage. Things seemed to be falling into place.

Then, one day, during Sacrament Meeting, I received this very strong impression that I needed to go on a mission. The more I resisted, the stronger the impression got. I did NOT want to go on a mission. I would be 24 by the time I left, about 26 when it ended. I had a college degree, a job, a fiancée’, and a little boy who called me “daddy”. Yet, every time I said no, the feeling got stronger. I left Sacrament Meeting to call Father. He was surprised, but supportive. After Church, I took Dawn to the park. I told her about what happened. She looked at me and told me I needed to go. I spent the next week doing all the paperwork for the application. We mailed it in. If I was going to go on a mission, I asked God for two things: I wanted to go Spanish Speaking, and I wanted to go foreign. One day while I was at work, I got a call from Mother. The letter had come. She came to my job and brought the letter. We opened it. I was going to be sent to Honduras. I was going to be a missionary.

Prior to leaving for my mission, my LDS family moved from Austin to Idaho Falls. By that time, my other 'brother" had returned from his mission. He and I decided to take a road trip and take the long way to Idaho Falls. I said a tearful goodbye to Dawn and the baby. he and I headed out. I first stop was in Missouri to see Liberty Jail. From there, we went to Nauvoo, Illinois. From there we went to Idaho Falls. It was an amazing trip. Seeing Nauvoo and Carthage was incredible and very humbling.

We got to Idaho Falls about June 10, 1984. I had a little over two months before my mission was to begin. Right away, Father suggested I get my endowments. I am not sure why, but I did not want to do that until right before I left. Instead, I got a job to earn some money prior to the mission. I had been working a couple of weeks when, one day, after work, I had this strong impression that I needed to get my endowments. I refused, but, again, the more I said no, the stronger the feeling got. I stopped at a pay phone, called home, and told Mother I needed to get my endowments. She and Father had to rush because the last session was about to start. We barely made it. I got my endowments. Rarely had I seen a building as beautiful as the Idaho Falls Temple.

Prior to me entering the MTC, brother no. 2 got married to the girl who waited for him. They were sealed in the Jordon River Temple.

Edited August 6, 2009 by AtticusFinch

[AtticusFinch]

It was my second Temple, my first sealing. It was wonderful. Even better, Dawn came to the wedding so I was able to see her again.

In August, Mother and Father took me to the MTC. I entered the building and my world changed. After an orientation, I said goodbye to Mother and Father and started my mission.

It was odd being the oldest guy in the dorm building. I was 24 surrounded by 19 year olds. Further, I was the only college graduate. Sometimes, I felt like I was babysitting. But the MTC was fast-paced. A lot of studying. A lot of praying. A lot of learning to be a missionary. I loved it.

One day, after my district all got letters from home, I got down. My real family did not seem to care at all. Dawn had written that she wished I hadn’t gone, and I felt I did not fit in with all these kids. I went to the pay phone on our floor and called Church Headquarters. I asked the lady that answered if anyone really cared if I even went on a mission or if I was just a number? She asked me to hold. After a couple of minutes, a man got on the phone. He said, “Hello? My name is L. Tom Perry, who is this?” I told him who I was and explained my situation. When I was done, he said, “If no one else in the world cares that you serve, I do.” He asked me to write him while I was on my mission. He asked to be my pen pal.

I served as a District Leader and our travel leader to Honduras. When the MTC time was over, we packed and, after saying goodbye at our floor prayer night, we packed to get ready to go. We left the MTC around 4 a.m. We went to the Salt Lake Airport to catch a flight to Denver, and from Denver to New Orleans. When we got to Denver, we discovered our flight to New Orleans was not gonna happen. I had to scramble to make alternate plans. The best I could do was get to Houston and then to Honduras. The only problem was, that was going to make us a day late to Honduras. We would have to spend the night in Houston. I had to then make hotel reservations for us in Houston. I then called Dawn, who flew from Austin to Houston to see me.

The next day, we flew into Honduras. I loved my mission. But as satisfying as it was, it was full of challenges. I developed migraines for the first time in my life. Next, I developed kidney stones for the first time in my life. My parent divorced and Dawn left me. But, we baptized someone almost every weekend of my mission. It was awesome. In areas there had been no baptisms in years, we had lots. In one town, there were 8 missionaries. My comp and I had over 20 baptisms while, during that same time, the other six missionaries had two. We were so blessed.

[AtticusFinch]

I could write a paper just on my mission. The miracles we experienced were numerous. We had a hand in more than a few healings. We watched the Church grow. And I met the woman who became my wife.

Let me backtrack a little. In my first area, one night, I had an odd dream. In my dream, I married a Honduran. I wrote about the dream in my journal. Two months later, in my third area, my comp and I went to introduce ourselves to the stake president. We knocked on his door. A girl opened it. My heart stopped. It was the girl in my dream. She was the stake president’s sister-in-law and she was visiting her sister. She and I became friends and, after Dawn left me, we became closer. I informed the mission president of our relationship and, because she was a returned missionary, he gave us permission to write. Before my mission ended, she wrote me that she did not want me to think she was crazy, but that before she met me, she had dreamed she married a gringo, and I was the man in her dream. Coincidence? I don’t think so. After my mission, I returned to Honduras, married her, and we were sealed in the Guatemala Temple.

Speaking of dreams, I had a dream before my mission that I baptized someone in a river. When I got to Honduras, I saw that no one baptized in rivers because there was always a baptismal font. But, in my third area, for one of our baptisms, the font malfunctioned the day of the baptism, so, we had to go to the river and my dream came true.

Another note, after my mission, I got a call from Elder Perry that he wanted me to come give him a report of my mission. I met with him in his office. It was so darned cool.

After Chela and I got married, we had to wait for a few months for her Visa to come thru. During that time, I taught school. I also got a letter from Thomas M. Cooley Law School that I had been accepted to attend. I had not even applied. I had my mom check them out and they were for real. Chela and I talked about it and decided to go to law school. We returned to the USA, and moved to Michigan for law school.

During law school, both children were born, both during exams. Chela did not speak English or drive, so I worked full-time and went to law school all year long. I also served in the Bishopric, the Elder’s Quorum Presidency and the President of the LDS Law School Student’s Association. Also during our time in law school, we visited Nauvoo, Kirtland, and Palmyra. The second trip to Palmyra, we were able to see the pageant. This time, there were a host of anti-Mormons passing out literature. I debated them. Though I felt I did well, I wanted to do better, so I vowed to read every doctrinal and LDS history book I could find.

[AtticusFinch]

As I read, I discovered issues I had never heard about. I tried asking questions, but was told by leaders to not think about it. Doubts began to creep in and chip away at my testimony. The more my questions were ignored, the more of my testimony was chipped away. Finally, I had none left. I quit my callings. Then, some things happened that I do not wish to discuss that were from some not-so-good members. I asked for my name to be removed from Church records. I was no longer a Mormon.

After law school, we went into the Army. In the Army, we lived in Panama and Honduras. We also lived in Oklahoma and Texas. We bounced around from Church to Church, denomination to denomination. After six years, we left the Army and moved to the Dallas, Texas area. I worked for a small firm. I ran for city council in Lancaster, Texas and won. I served three terms. I joined the Texas State Guard and hold the rank of Major. I still bounced around from Church to Church, always believing in God, but never finding “home”.

When my grandfather died in 2002, I had an experience, very Spiritual, at his funeral, that led me to the Catholic Church. I finally felt like I was where I needed to be.

Soon after becoming Catholic, I discovered debate boards. I found a Mormon debate Board and joined it with the plan of telling Mormons just how wrong they were. I had a deep hatred inside me. I was very aggressive, often too much so. But there was one Mormon on the board who was always patient with me. He never gave up trying to work me thru my issues. Mike was always trying to help me.

Then, one day, the hatred was just gone. I tried to find it inside me, but it just was not there. Once it left, I began to feel the pull to come back. I attributed the pull to all my good memories of being LDS, especially my mission. I ignored the pull the best I could. After all, I was Catholic and had a spiritual experience to get there. I wondered why I would feel the pull while I was happy to be Catholic. Mike told me that God needed me to become Catholic because that was the only way I could get over my problems with the LDS Church. Maybe he was right. But still, I fought it. Yet, things kept happening. For example, my wife’s brother-in-law, Antonio, is a member of the Latin Seventies. He came to visit and wanted me to take him to the Dallas Temple. I did. I sat outside the Temple waiting for him, peering in, and felt a longing in my heart. Mike and his wife also came to visit me and asked me to take them to temple. It was painful.

But still I fought it.

[AtticusFinch]

Then, a few months ago, while looking for the cassettes of my songs to convert to digital files, I found the tape of my missionary farewell, a tape of Seventh Angel, and my mission tapes that I sent home like letters. I cried. I missed it all so much and long for the relationships I once had. I listened to me give MY testimony. And I wished for that all to come back.

Yet, still I fought it.

Then, in April 2009, I contracted Swine Flu. Mike sent over the missionaries to give me a blessing. After the blessing, the pull to come back got even stronger. At about the same time, I put my wife’s mission website on her computer. If you recall, my wife was also an RM. She is from Honduras and served her mission in Panama. We both left the Church 20 years ago.

My wife started going to the website. Then she began to read her mission journal. Once day, she said she would really love to speak to someone from her mission, but had no idea how to find someone who served 26 years ago in Panama.

Then on a Friday in May, I got a call from a missionary at the MTC on my home phone. No one has my home number. I never give it out. I always give my cell out. He asked me if the missionaries I had requested had come by. I told him I had not requested any. He asked me if I had placed my name on Mormon.org. I assured him I had not. Even if I had, I would never have put my home phone. There is no way my name could have gotten on mormon.org. No way at all. We had a long conversation After our long conversation, I decided to go to Sacrament Meeting.

On Saturday, I decided no, I would go to Mass instead. I felt I needed to go Mass. An hour later, the phone rang. Again, it was my home phone. It was ANOTHER missionary from the MTC. He asked me if I had received the missionaries I had requested. I said again I had not requested any. I asked him if you had given him my name and he said no. He got it from Mormon.org. I told him I had never placed my name on mormon.org. After this call, I decided I had better go to Sacrament Meeting.

On Sunday, I went. It was Branch Conference. The theme was temples. Every talk was about temples. The First Counselor gave his talk about temples. During the talk, he suddenly stopped and took a right turn. He mentioned, for no reason at all and not part of his talk, that he had served a mission in Panama. I was dumbstruck. I waited till after the meeting and approached him. I asked him who his mission president was. He told me. It was the same as my wife. I asked him if he knew Sister Bustillo. He said he did. I could not speak. What were the odds? I get two phone calls I should not have gotten to come to a meeting I had no reason to attend and heard a guy mention he served in Panama a week after my wife wished she could speak to someone who had served with her.

I decided I could not ignore those miracles.

So, I am working on coming back

[TattooBlackVest]

Amazing story Atticus :) I think the LDS church is were you need to be. I am inactive, i want to be active and have a testimony....im just too much of a wimp. But i have that longing also of wanting to be back in Sacrament and among members and going to the temple. I think its the age old story that we come across material that poses great opposition to our beliefs. I think you can find good and bad in all. I come from a Catholic family and and Italian background, i still love all that throwing the hands up in the air and shouting 'Oh Dio!' (Oh God) and wrapping the rosary beads around my hands and praying. There's nothing wrong or bad about it but in my heart i steer toward LDS. And they can throw all the 'But this is a contradiction...' or 'But this cannot be proven...' at me. For a 14 year old boy to have the impact that he had and at that time, i think well somethings got to give. For me its like even if Joseph Smith was to turn up at my bedside and tell me it was all a lie, i wouldnt even be mad. And that sounds crazy and i cant explain it but being LDS made me feel whole and purpose-driven. It made want to be an example to others.

It seems like the spirit is very strong within you no matter how hard you try to fight it. Maybe you should give it another shot and im sure there are great blessings waiting for you, just like when your mission was so successful :)

[TattooBlackVest]

Just read the last part of your story - incredible! Im feeling so inspired by it!!!! :) Surely its a sign, the Lord really makes things come together doesnt he?

[mynewlife]

Welcome to the site, Atticus! What an amazing journey! This community has so much to offer. I'm certain you'll find many who are more than willing to be supportive. By the way, my brother-in-law is from Tegucigalpa, Honduras.

[pam]

That was an amazing story. I know of someone else that spent some time in Honduras as well. But not as a missionary.

[Carl62]

Welcome to the board Atticus and welcome back to the church!:) I know what you're going through in that I went through a 20+ year inactive period right after my mission of which now I've been going back to church over the last year and trying to get my spiritual 'act' together. Good luck to you and have fun on the board.:)

[Maya]

What a wondereful story. You should really put it on your profile... here it will slowly vanish as new members come to say hello. I too have had dreams in my life. It is amazing how God works through happenings in our life. You are a great person and you still have a lot of things you can do in LDS Church. Way back may be long and windy, but it is worth it. Welcome back!