Husband Leaving The Church

[Maureen]

Originally posted by owsar+Sep 24 2005, 09:20 PM-->

The worst part about everything is that we have two little boys and I feel like they're really getting shortchanged.  And there is nothing I can do to remedy it.  My husband was so amazing when we met and married--such a great role model.  And now it's like he's a different person.  His ambitions and work ethic have deteriorated substantially, and he's becoming so vulgar and profane.  I really don't want my sons to think this type of behavior is acceptable…

Hi Owsar – Let your husband know how you feel about his language and attitude around the babies. They are young now so it really means nothing to them but if it bothers you because of them, tell him. If he realizes that his example can rub off on them in the future he should practice now to keep his language in check around impressionable little minds. And you of course can also be an example – just cause Dad might have a bad habit doesn’t necessarily mean that it will effect your kids in a traumatizing way.

I can see your husband being angry about the church (in his state of mind) and expressing that occasionally but I can’t imagine him always being grouchy around his children/babies. Watch him with the kids, does he play with them; is he happy around them – happy to see them. If he’s being good to his kids, I wouldn’t worry about his anger/attitude regarding the church.

<!--QuoteBegin-owsar

@Sep 25 2005, 11:17 AM

I guess I wouldn't feel so downhearted except that everything I read put out by the church emphasizes how important it is to raise your children right and keep a good spirit in the home. I just feel like I can't completely keep that standard in our home anymore--I mean I can keep it, but I can't control what my husbands says or does.

All I can say to you is to talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. If you think his anger/attitude towards the church is having a negative affect on keeping a cheery home, then let him know that. And even though you might feel that his change is the end of the world, it really isn’t. There are worse things out there. There are ways to work together to be a happy family and still have differences in beliefs and outlook.

I know that the church can sometimes be a lonely place for those who don't fit the stereotype mold... the last time I went to relief society everyone was talking about how their husbands were such great supports when it comes to the church and raising kids.  It just made me feel more depressed, not so much about myself but on what my kids will be missing out on.  I'm a new parent (my kids are just a few months old) so maybe I'll just have to learn with time that you can't create an ideal life for your children.  I know I have a lot to learn.

Don’t believe everything those women tell you. I’m sure there are things about their husbands they find annoying but don’t share. No family is perfect. Every family has some type of disfunctionality, whether it is big or small. Your husband may not be able to give you the kind of church support you want but I’m sure he loves his kids and wants to help you raise them. If you are doubting that, you should tell him.

It can be hard having differing views on a religion/church but it doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative effect on your family life. Talk to your husband about your family and what his expectations are with raising children and being a husband. Leave the church stuff behind for now and just work on your family.

M.

[Lindy]

Originally posted by owsar@Sep 25 2005, 11:17 AM

I guess I wouldn't feel so downhearted except that everything I read put out by the church emphasizes how important it is to raise your children right and keep a good spirit in the home.  I just feel like I can't completely keep that standard in our home anymore--I mean I can keep it, but I can't control what my husbands says or does.  I think you are all right, saying that we need to keep the lines of communication open.  I guess I just need to hear a little commonsense from you all, because things can get a little messed up when they fester in your head for too long. 

I know that the church can sometimes be a lonely place for those who don't fit the stereotype mold... the last time I went to relief society everyone was talking about how their husbands were such great supports when it comes to the church and raising kids.  It just made me feel more depressed, not so much about myself but on what my kids will be missing out on.  I'm a new parent (my kids are just a few months old) so maybe I'll just have to learn with time that you can't create an ideal life for your children.  I know I have a lot to learn. 

I do appreciate your thoughts, comments and well-wishes.

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Owsar~

I somehow missed this thread and just now read thru it.

Don't give up! There are some great posters with great advice for you, and I'll just add my two cents to them.....

Don't give up on your husband.....he's going thru some rough times right now, probably things going on in his mind you can't comprehend. Love and support him emotionally, you may not agree with him, but at least keep that communication line open, communication is very important. Don't shut him out. And I agree that he needs to know how you feel.....it may start him thinking about things.

And don't give up on yourself either! Keep going to church and read your scriptures.....and pray pray pray....keeping that line of communication open to God is far more important than some wish to believe. I know it's hard to sit thru some classes which just bring you down....been there. Just remember that you need your faith to keep strong....for yourself, your children and your husband.

Sacrament meetings are a must for you to keep yourself strong..right now....don't miss them.

Keep strong in who you are....

good thoughts for you to endure,

Lindy

[bryceba]

I hope you leave him! I would never do something to my wife like that. You deserve better. Yes he may still be a good man and a good dad but you cant let the negative attitude that your husband has against the church affect your young kids. I know people say the kids will know what is right and decide they are right but that just isnt true. This isnt something little. You are toying with your eternal lives together. If your husband has the nerve to split your eternal family then he should know that you cant "waste" time with him and lose him in eternity. It sounds harsh but you have to consider the negative affects this will have on your family. Just like the guy who posted saying that he stopped going and his wife was just ok with it and now 4 years later she is an ex member too. You cant have that anti mormon spirit in your home. In most cases people love mormons or they hate them. Your husbands hate and anti mormon spirit will grow. I love non members dont get me wrong. But where you started this family eternal you and he both know the consequences of him going down this path. It will cause turmoil in your home. You need to tell him that this literally means eternity to you and if he wants to make it work then he needs to suck it up and go to church and be a good example to his kids. Who cares if he doesnt believe but if he cares for you and your kids well being then he needs to make the sacrifice and be a man and step up to what he signed up for.

[Sister_M]

Wow- I didn't know there was another story like this (such as mine) that started years ago! I know that many people in the church, both men and women, have gone through this and it's so good to know we aren't alone. It's not easy at all. Oswar, how have things ended up for you? My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of us going through the experience of a spouse deciding they no longer believe.

[dakwilk]

I think that everyone is missing the point with this post. This wonderful sister has just had her first babies. I cannot imagine taking care of a baby and dealing with all of this with your husband. And you are taking care of TWO babies.

Stop worrying about the example that your DH is going to be for your children. They are too young to worry about that now.

You are at such a stressful time in your life! You used the word "depressed". If you are, please get help. I just had a baby 6 months ago and I am still in survival mode. (And everything else in my life is great.) You have to be in survival mode and have added stress. Please confide in someone that you trust. You need to talk and have help, physically and emotionally.

Might I add that your DH may be dealing with the stress that is going on with the babies too. Maybe he is feeling like he can't be responsible enough, or that you are going to be a different person now. Both very normal things for a new dad to go through. Give him some time, but most of all take care of yourself. Talk to someone and if your DH can't be of help right now, you must get it from friends, visiting teachers, or family.

Take five minutes each day to enjoy those babies and five minutes (or more) to be alone. This time will fly by... and then you can deal with your husband. I will pray for you to have strength.

[gomspal]

Owsar, I don't know if this will help but I am putting a link from FAIRLDS.ORG about a church historian, Davis Bitton not having a testimony of the church history. I Don't Have a Testimony of the History of the Church

If you can convince your husband to read it he may see that he should not have a testimony of the church history also.

[Misshalfway]

This is a hard situation. It must be hard to distinguish what his decisions might mean for your little family. Had he ever expressed concerns about the church before this point? Or was this announcement news to you?

I am wondering what time will do. Maybe your husband needs to search himself and the world for truth. Maybe this kind of searching isn't the worst thing. Maybe time and discovery will help him come back to the church in time. And if it doesn't, then perhaps it is an opportunity for your children to learn other lessons in their lives.

I am sorry though. It is difficult when spouses make such difficult choices. Stay close to the Lord. Pray often and open yourself to whatever the Lord may lead you to do. This IS an opportunity. Try to see it as such. The Lord will open your mind to wisdom and patience and faith and actions that may not seem logical or comfortable at first. This may be just the experience you need. You can still find happiness and contentment even if this shift becomes more permanent.

[HomeAgain]

I wrote the original post to this thread several weeks ago. I hope I haven't seemed disengaged in the whole process... I've just been really depressed about this happening (husband leaving and everything) and I feel like there is no hope. I don't want to sound narrow minded and controlling, but I am so disappointed that my husband is indeed leaving the church (with a vengeance, I might add). Maybe my testimony isn't as strong as I thought it was. I'd listen to share his anti-mormon sources and beliefs, trying to be a good friend and a good listener, but maybe it has corrupted my own mind. I don't necessarily believe the same things that he does, and I know I'd never leave the church, but I just feel so, so hopeless.

The worst part about everything is that we have two little boys and I feel like they're really getting shortchanged. And there is nothing I can do to remedy it. My husband was so amazing when we met and married--such a great role model. And now it's like he's a different person. His ambitions and work ethic have deteriorated substantially, and he's becoming so vulgar and profane. I really don't want my sons to think this type of behavior is acceptable. Please don't rip me to shreds for wanting the best for my kids.

Dear Owsar ... My heart aches for you. I went through the same heart break when my husband left the church in 2003. I know how devastating it is. It's like you're losing everything you ever hoped for. Please know that the Lord will help you through it if you let him. Though it may not seem like it, this is an opportunity to strengthen your faith and your marriage. Because we can't see the future, we have to maintain our faith. You don't know if your husband will return someday to the church, but you can control your beliefs, desires, and behaviors.

I say this because I made the wrong choice ... I was in such emotional distress that I walked away from my testimony and the church. I let what my husband believed unduly influence me. I read Grant Palmer's book and a whole bunch of books like it. I lost faith in all religion, and even in God.

But the good news is I've regained my testimony. It feels like I've awakened from a dream after 5 years.

Focus on your children, and being the best mom you can be. The Gospel helps us be better parents and spouses. Now that I'm back in the Church, I have so much more patience. But the Gospel blessings aren't just for this lifetime. I recently learned that because I left the church and had my name removed, that my two younger children are not sealed to me. The oldest, because she was born in the covenant is sealed.

So, by my own actions, I caused a fracture in the family that I can not repair by myself.

If you are true to your temple covenants, your children will remain sealed to you. They will enjoy the temporal and eternal blessings of the gospel.

I still have hope that my husband will return to the church. I do believe that he will.

But we have to maintain our trust in Heavenly Father -- even in our grieving.

God Bless you!

Nicole

[yared]

History. Well, they are still trying to figure out what happened with the shooting of John Kennedy. That happened in the 1960's and they keep regurgitating it. They cannot really determine what happened...even with cameras rolling. Historians can only take a stab at what happened in the War of 1812, too. It is often hard to determine what happened "way back then".

If your husband does leave just try to live your religion as much as you can and show your love toward him. You never know when the wind blows 'round again.

[Moksha]

Hello all,

I'm not a huge internet chatter, so this is new and a little weird for me, but I didn't know where else to turn for advice. I grew up in the church, attended BYU, got married in the temple and I just had twins. Now (out of the blue, it seems) my husband has decided he wants to leave the church. He's very adamant about it, he has a lot of intellectual and theological reasons for it--a lot of issues with church history and Joseph Smith. He's so staunch about his feelings, I truly don't think he'll ever come back. I'm pretty lost now. I don't want to tell my friends and family about it, because it will just shock them and break their hearts. I'm just not quite sure how to proceed with the rest of my life now. So many of my hopes for my little family have been undermined by this. I'm especially concerned about my children. I want to be respectful of my husband's choices, but I feel a obligation to raise my children in the church. My husband is a good man, very loving and I know he wants to be a good husband and father. But I still feel very torn. This has been really trying on my faith. Any thoughts are welcome...

Thanks,

Owsar

Hey Oswar, I have read how other people on other forums have handled this successfully, so let me share some thoughts with you.

One gentleman, (let's call him John) decided he no longer believed in the Church. What he did to help preserve his marriage was continue to go to Church with his wife and children. This was not easy for him, but he considered it worthwhile.

Another gentleman, left the Church to join another Church. His wife and both sides of the family where unhappy about this, but did not abandon him and they are even happier today now that he feels more at peace.

There are other families in which one member married a non-member spouse. The non-member spouse is supportive of the member and children attending Church and holding callings. They too are happy families.

It can be done. People join and leave the Church all the time. We should love them both coming and going.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Oswar have you actually read the book yourself and discussed with your husband what it was about it which prompted him to want to leave the church? I haven't read it. I hadn't even heard of it but if the author is still an active member then I find it odd that a reader should be inspired by the book to lose their testimony and leave. Maybe I should have a look at it myself.