Interview with Bishop

[AmyKate88]

I've been a convert for 2 years now (first in the family, now my brother is also a member), and I must admit I am still getting used to some facets of the Church... It's quite the transition!

One thing that I am learning about is the role of the bishop. I have never really looked up to male authority figures because of family experience, and so a bishop as a kind of 'father figure' in a singles ward has been an interesting experience for me. A lot of my friends meet with him constantly and go into great detail about their lives with him, but for me, I am just more reserved. Still friendly - he is an awesome bishop and we have fun jousting about politics - but I definitely am a private person.

Anyway, about a month ago I had a 'getting to know you' meeting with my bishop, and got asked some interesting questions. I have been dating my boyfriend for four months, and he's also in my ward, so naturally my bishop asked me about him and how our relationship was. After some light-hearted conversation, he started asking me about the Law of Chastity (dum dum DUMMM). He asked me if we were keeping that law, which of course is an affirmative, but then he went into great detail about asking what we were and were not doing, and asking me to describe what all we do physically (which is not much).

While I know he had the best intentions, I couldn't help but feel extremely uncomfortable. I do not share that kind of info regularly, and I definitely did not want to share it with my new bishop. I felt like I was wrong to have felt so bewildered, and so I didn't ask my boyfriend if he had the same questions, or really talk to anyone about it. But I still can't shake the feeling.

Do you guys have any experiences/tips/advice for experiences with Law of Chastity discussion & bishops? Any help would be greatly appreciated

[FunkyTown]

I've never had specific questions asked of me, though I have heard of others who have.

Of course, I did have a Bishop once who began to, but I got a look like Beaker off of the Muppet Show and said, 'Ah! Embarassing questions! Answer to all of them will be no!'

I was never asked again.

[Hemidakota]

Without knowing the Bishop personally, he was simply probing to ensure the Law of Chasity is maintain.

[sixpacktr]

Having been in a Bishopric, and at the time having our youth go wild when they hit 16 (the boys in particular seemed to think that impregnating anything in a skirt was the thing to do), our interviews took on a very personal and detailed manner. We didn't want to do it, believe me, but felt as Jacob did when he told the Nephites that he wished he could only speak of the peaceable things of the Kingdom, but had to speak of things that would wound tender hearts.

I wouldn't read too much into it. FT's response is classic: the answer to all of them is 'no'.

[Misshalfway]

I think your bishop simply had your best interest at heart. I think bishops assigned to single's wards play a different role than bishops of regular wards. Usually that time of early adulthood/college is a time of great experiementation as children are trying to learn to stand on their own in just about every way. Some kids leave home and see it as a time to be free of all parental constraints. They don't see around corners and sometimes get themselves into trouble and have to learn from the school of hard knocks. OTher kids are more mature and don't loose their minds when freedom is given. In any case, I think satan works hard on this demographic and tries to take them down with sex. And I think to some extent it is your bishop's responsibility to help safe guard all in his ward family.

Bishops in regular wards don't usually ask those questions of ward members unless it is a TR interview or unless some other evidence is presented. You don't have to feel like you MUST share all your intimate life details with your bishop. He is there to be a counseler or life coach for some if that is a need.

Try not to be too uncomfortable with your bishops questions. They are direct and should be. And I believe they are asked in love and concern for your eternal well being.

[WmLee]

The comments you've received are great!! The Bishop of a Singles Ward has to ask questions that are just as uncomfortable for him to ask as they are for you to be asked. I always had trouble finding the right words, or the right way to ask and had to trust the spirit would direct me.

Just to give you a view from the other side, once released I couldn't remember most of those interviews or what was said. A year or two later, at a wedding reception, the sister thanked me for all the help and they time I spent helping her get ready for that day. I couldn't remember a single thing we had discussed! Not because I am an old man!! Lol. But because "I" wasn't doing the interview or counseling, the spirit was.

[pam]

Without knowing the Bishop personally, he was simply probing to ensure the Law of Chasity is maintain.

Now Hemi..even if you did know the Bishop personally, would you still necessarily be privy to why he might be asking questions in a personal interview with someone?

[bytor2112]

A sister that moved to our Stake a while back had some odd questioning experiences during a Temple recommend interview by the SP. He probed for details about sex between her and her husband.....apparently he did that with all the women. People started complaining and he was released.

[bytor2112]

The comments you've received are great!! The Bishop of a Singles Ward has to ask questions that are just as uncomfortable for him to ask as they are for you to be asked. I always had trouble finding the right words, or the right way to ask and had to trust the spirit would direct me.

Just to give you a view from the other side, once released I couldn't remember most of those interviews or what was said. A year or two later, at a wedding reception, the sister thanked me for all the help and they time I spent helping her get ready for that day. I couldn't remember a single thing we had discussed! Not because I am an old man!! Lol. But because "I" wasn't doing the interview or counseling, the spirit was.

I could understand "probing" if someone had come in and and confessed to breaking the law of chastity, but, if in conservation he asked and the person replied "yes" I do keep the law of chastity......talking about adults here.....then that should be good enough.

[Misshalfway]

So Bytor, do you think the bishop was out of line?

[Hemidakota]

Now Hemi..even if you did know the Bishop personally, would you still necessarily be privy to why he might be asking questions in a personal interview with someone?

Not really...unless you 'know your flock' and attuned to the Spirit, you don't have to ask specific sexual questions when conducting 'meeting with the Bishop' interviews.

[pam]

Not really...unless you 'know your flock' and attuned to the Spirit, you don't have to ask specific sexual questions when conducting 'meeting with the Bishop' interviews.

Hmmm okay..well I thought you answered my question until you put the "unless." :) Then the rest didn't have anything to do with my question.

But that's okay. I was teasing you more than anything.

[bytor2112]

So Bytor, do you think the bishop was out of line?

Maybe. Unless she said something like....I guess I do. Was it a formal interview or just in casual conversation? If casual conservation I would say definitely and if formal interview, I think yes should have been fine.....don't you?

[Hemidakota]

No problem...

Not all leaders are alike. Each have personal, spiritual weaknesses, that are readily seen when being interviewed, conducting sacrament and so forth. This is an opporunity to anyone serving in the capacity as a 'judge of Israel' in wearing the same latchet shoes of the Savior. Some learn and some fail. I have seen both.

[Tarnished]

I think some Bishops can get a bit out of line with their questioning. Or even out of line with some of their advice. When I was in college I had a Bishop who was very much a father figure for our college singles ward. I had many conversations with him and he actually helped me through a rough part in my life. However, I took exception with his advice when he told me not to marry my husband. He told me that if I married my husband (at that time boyfriend) that I would be miserable and that my husband would cheat on me and that we would eventually end up divorced. I went by what the spirit told me when I prayed to know whether I should marry my husband or not, and then I sent the Bishop a wedding invite.

The truth is that Bishops are human, they make human mistakes and sometimes they take things too far. In the case of the Bishop I had in college he took his authority for receiving revelation for his ward too far, he had taken it to an individual level. For some Bishops they take other things too far like questioning for details when it really isn’t relevant. Was the Bishop in the OP wrong? Did he take it too far? I don’t know as I was not actually there, however it did make the original poster uncomfortable, so maybe he did. I personally think Funky Town’s answer was perfect for that type of situation.

[ryanh]

I could understand "probing" if someone had come in and and confessed to breaking the law of chastity, but, if in conservation he asked and the person replied "yes" I do keep the law of chastity......talking about adults here.....then that should be good enough.

Not always. Even those born in the church often don't understand what constitutes crossing the line. As a recent convert attending an institute ward, I was shocked at what some of the members thought was OK to be doing with a bf/gf. I suppose a Bishop could simply say "now, you understand that x, y, and z are to be avoided too?" as one line of approach, but I don't automatically see taking a different approach - "do you do x?, do you do y?, do you do z?" as inappropriate. Obviously, it could be, but it isn't automatic IMO simply because the line of questioning went that direction.

[lattelady]

I appreciated what Bytor said...I'm not LDS, but we've always tried to teach our kids (and will continue to) that adults are their elders and in a position of authority over them--and that position should be respected. But God gave ALL of us a sense of discernment to let us know when something isn't right or safe. We have given our children permission to refuse a hug from an adult that they feel isn't safe. If an adult is crossing our kids' boundaries, we don't force our kids to "be respectful and do what the adult tells you to do." Most of us know when we're being asked a question that crosses a line from, "That makes me uncomfortable because I'm guilty of sin in that area" to "That makes me uncomfortable because this person has NO business asking that sort of question." And if we don't know the difference, I think it's SO good that a person feels safe to ask another trusted friend, "Is this inappropriate?" Even men/women who are in position of authority within churches can overstep their boundaries and need to be called out.

Without knowing the kinds of questions that were being asked in this specific situation, it'd be impossible to know if they were appropriate or inappropriate. But the truth is, things like that (leaders doing things they shouldn't--in ANY church or religion) can and do happen; and honesty and openness is so important. I hope it's okay that I posted.

[sixpacktr]

I see where you are coming from Bytor, and in most cases a simple 'yes' suffices. Your example of the SP asking about intimate details btw a husband/wife definitely crosses a line.

However, given the most kids today just don't know what is and isn't sex (can you define 'is', the widespread belief among the youth the somehow oral sex isn't really sex since there isn't actual intercourse involved) I don't fault this Bishop with probing a tad more. Now, we are basing this on the OP's feelings of being embarrassed, and not knowing her, embarrassing for her may not be even close to embarrassing to me (or vice versa).

I liked with WmLee stated in that it is directed by the Spirit. If I were a Bishop of a Singles Ward, I'd be more 'nosy' than I would be in a married/regular mixed ward as a precaution, at least in the first interview, to make sure that things are understood. After that, not so much...

[talisyn]

Not always. Even those born in the church often don't understand what constitutes crossing the line. As a recent convert attending an institute ward, I was shocked at what some of the members thought was OK to be doing with a bf/gf. I suppose a Bishop could simply say "now, you understand that x, y, and z are to be avoided too?" as one line of approach, but I don't automatically see taking a different approach - "do you do x?, do you do y?, do you do z?" as inappropriate. Obviously, it could be, but it isn't automatic IMO simply because the line of questioning went that direction.

I totally agree. I'm continually surprised by what people (especially young people) think is ok or not ok. I've had to clear up some assumptions from my 10 year old ('But mom, the people on the TV were doing it and it's rated PG!' 'Kiddo, there are some things you will never be old enough for'). I can only imagine the grey hair the bishops in the single adult wards get.

[sixpacktr]

I think some Bishops can get a bit out of line with their questioning. Or even out of line with some of their advice. When I was in college I had a Bishop who was very much a father figure for our college singles ward. I had many conversations with him and he actually helped me through a rough part in my life. However, I took exception with his advice when he told me not to marry my husband. He told me that if I married my husband (at that time boyfriend) that I would be miserable and that my husband would cheat on me and that we would eventually end up divorced. I went by what the spirit told me when I prayed to know whether I should marry my husband or not, and then I sent the Bishop a wedding invite.

The truth is that Bishops are human, they make human mistakes and sometimes they take things too far. In the case of the Bishop I had in college he took his authority for receiving revelation for his ward too far, he had taken it to an individual level. For some Bishops they take other things too far like questioning for details when it really isn’t relevant. Was the Bishop in the OP wrong? Did he take it too far? I don’t know as I was not actually there, however it did make the original poster uncomfortable, so maybe he did. I personally think Funky Town’s answer was perfect for that type of situation.

Far be it for me to question you in this Tarnished, and pls understand that I am not doing so. However, I have a friend that was told in no uncertain terms by his Mission President that he was NOT to marry a Japanese girl, that if he did so, he would go inactive and do things he shouldn't do. He told the MP to basically stuff it, and when I heard this story from him many, many years ago, I agreed with him that the MP was out of line, as my friend was active, a HP, doing what he should do.

Then I met him several years later. He was having problems with the church, had taken up drinking, was criticizing local leaders, etc. Now he and his wife are totally inactive and blame their Bishop for their plight. It breaks my wife's and my heart as they are dear friends, but they want nothing to do with the church, as do their children.

So again, pls, PLS, don't take this wrong. And perhaps in this matter your Bishop was overstepping his bounds. But those with stewardship over us can receive revelation for us at times, and while not immediately apparent, it can happen later.

Again, not that I am hoping or saying it will to you. I hope you understand that.

[bytor2112]

For the Strength of Youth is pretty clear and the lessons in the Priesthood manual are very clear regarding what isn't acceptable. My guess is that some play dumb. It isn't hard to know when you are crossing the line....unless you have been across that line so many times that it has now been conveniently moved farther away.

[bytor2112]

Far be it for me to question you in this Tarnished, and pls understand that I am not doing so. However, I have a friend that was told in no uncertain terms by his Mission President that he was NOT to marry a Japanese girl, that if he did so, he would go inactive and do things he shouldn't do. He told the MP to basically stuff it, and when I heard this story from him many, many years ago, I agreed with him that the MP was out of line, as my friend was active, a HP, doing what he should do.

Then I met him several years later. He was having problems with the church, had taken up drinking, was criticizing local leaders, etc. Now he and his wife are totally inactive and blame their Bishop for their plight. It breaks my wife's and my heart as they are dear friends, but they want nothing to do with the church, as do their children.

So again, pls, PLS, don't take this wrong. And perhaps in this matter your Bishop was overstepping his bounds. But those with stewardship over us can receive revelation for us at times, and while not immediately apparent, it can happen later.

Again, not that I am hoping or saying it will to you. I hope you understand that.

Personally, I would be praying to receive my own revelation and would definitely reflect on my Patriarchal Blessing for guidance.

[Tarnished]

Far be it for me to question you in this Tarnished, and pls understand that I am not doing so. However, I have a friend that was told in no uncertain terms by his Mission President that he was NOT to marry a Japanese girl, that if he did so, he would go inactive and do things he shouldn't do. He told the MP to basically stuff it, and when I heard this story from him many, many years ago, I agreed with him that the MP was out of line, as my friend was active, a HP, doing what he should do.

Then I met him several years later. He was having problems with the church, had taken up drinking, was criticizing local leaders, etc. Now he and his wife are totally inactive and blame their Bishop for their plight. It breaks my wife's and my heart as they are dear friends, but they want nothing to do with the church, as do their children.

So again, pls, PLS, don't take this wrong. And perhaps in this matter your Bishop was overstepping his bounds. But those with stewardship over us can receive revelation for us at times, and while not immediately apparent, it can happen later.

Again, not that I am hoping or saying it will to you. I hope you understand that.

I do understand what you are saying and I do agree with you that those with stewardship over us can receive revelation for us, however I think this Bishop was a special case. For example my roommates would visit him on a weekly basis to have him tell them their "futures". If this Bishop had told me not to marry my husband because of certain spiritual feelings he got from praying about us then I would have taken it more seriously, however he told me that my husband was a sales man and was just trying to get into my good graces but that once we were married that my husband would have many female friends and would eventually cheat on me. The exact opposite happened when we got married.

As someone who has had another person claim to have personal revelation for me twice (once a guy who prayed about me and told me that I was supposed to be his wife, and then this bishop) I take revelation that others receive for me with a grain of salt. And I always verify it by checking with the spirit myself. I don't believe in going into something blindly just because some authority figure told me I should.

I agree with you that authority figures can have revelation for us, but I also think that we should verify for ourselves that revelation before acting on it.

[sixpacktr]

Personally, I would be praying to receive my own revelation and would definitely reflect on my Patriarchal Blessing for guidance.

Oh yeah. Personal revelation should always accompany this. Just as when we hear things from our leaders in SLC or otherwise. Ponder over it and gain our own testimony of what they said. In some very rare cases we will be told something different, but I think that is very rare.

[sixpacktr]

I do understand what you are saying and I do agree with you that those with stewardship over us can receive revelation for us, however I think this Bishop was a special case. For example my roommates would visit him on a weekly basis to have him tell them their "futures". If this Bishop had told me not to marry my husband because of certain spiritual feelings he got from praying about us then I would have taken it more seriously, however he told me that my husband was a sales man and was just trying to get into my good graces but that once we were married that my husband would have many female friends and would eventually cheat on me. The exact opposite happened when we got married.

As someone who has had another person claim to have personal revelation for me twice (once a guy who prayed about me and told me that I was supposed to be his wife, and then this bishop) I take revelation that others receive for me with a grain of salt. And I always verify it by checking with the spirit myself. I don't believe in going into something blindly just because some authority figure told me I should.

I agree with you that authority figures can have revelation for us, but I also think that we should verify for ourselves that revelation before acting on it.

Exactly. The Lord expects nothing less than that of us. If it were otherwise, and we just followed what others told us to do to 'make it', then we are actually following Satan's plan of easy salvation.

Funny you should mention someone told you he'd had revelation that you were supposed to marry him. Big problem at BYU, I know, and it seems that a GA mentioned that in a talk not too long ago.

I, personally, ascribe to the time tested way of getting someone to marry you. 'You can't make someone love you, you can only stalk them until they give in'...