Anyone else out there??? (Infidelity)

[lds0919]

My husband and I met in High School. We were 16. He wasn't a member of the church then, but joined a short time later. When we were 20, we married and were sealed in the temple 1 year later. This would be in Aug 2000.

We have a very happy marriage. Both of us would say so. In 2004, he got a new job. There was an employee there who was also married, but known for her extra-marital affairs. I noticed she would call my husband's cell phone once in a while, but he told me they had to use cell phones at work to get ahold of him. This seemed right, because other co-workers called him during work hours too.

However, I soon got the cell phone bill and it was huge! I noticed they were talking often. I asked him about it, and he said that they were 'just friends'. She had a bad marriage, no friends, and was lonely. This went on for a few months and was, obviously, a rough time in our marriage. I told him not to talk to her anymore, but he 'didn't want to hurt her feelings'.

It all came to a head on Christmas, when I noticed she left him a voicemail thanking him for his christmas present (he had bought her a hat she wanted because "she lost her job and her he felt bad for her"). Well, I just lost it. That night he promised me he would cut her off and he did. She even called him 6 months later from a new cell number and he told her not to call him and deleted the number from his phone.

After the whole incident had died down, I asked him if there was ever anything physical. He told me no. Over the last 5 years, we have moved on, and been pretty happy together. I haven't questioned his loyalty and no other 'incidents' like that have occured.

Even so, this whole 'emotional affair' would come up every once in a while. I just couldn't let it go. Deep down, I felt like he was still hiding something from me. It always felt like I wasn't getting a straight answer.

Finally, FINALLY this morning, he caved and admitted that they did have a physical relationship. They kissed several times in the stairwell at work and one night he met up with her and her friends. They were just talking when she led him into the bathroom and they had sex.

That was the only time it happened. He said it was dirty and he felt awful. For the last 5 years he's been too much of a coward to tell me (his words). Now that I know, for sure, I am relieved. But I am also confused on how to feel!!! I need help.

He said he is willing to do anything to make things right. We have called our Stake Pres for an appointment (can't go to our Bishop first for a few reasons). Does anyone know the process for repenting of infidelity? Is he going to be ex-communicated???

[Maureen]

I can't help you with the church questions but I think this book might be helpful: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful (by Janis Abrahms Spring with Michael Spring). Here's the author's website also:

Janis Abrahms Spring

[Guest mormonmusic]

LDS0919: I've been part of disciplinary councils for situations like these several times as one of the people who gives input into the final decision. I've private messaged you the general process. You'll have to check your messages. I notice there's a notification at the top right of my own screen here that tells me when I have a private message to read -- look for it so you can get to the message. If you have any further questions, let me know.

Edited November 29, 2009 by mormonmusic

[Tarnished]

My husband and I went through a similar thing, except it was me who had the affair. We went through our bishop and there was a disiplinary counsel held, I was not excommunicated, but was put on formal probation. I have been repenting for almost a year now, on the first of next year it will be a full year. My bishop has worked with me the entire way, it has been a long hard process but it is worth it. We were advised to go to marriage counseling, and the journey through this has been painful and difficult. If you need to talk please feel free to message me.

[Guest mirancs8]

Wow, I can so relate to your story. When I have more time I will post my own lovely story about my marriage.

Thank you for being so open and sharing I know it's hard.

Christine

[tenacean]

I've had an affair with an LDS woman that I stopped recently here, where I live. She's well respected and works in our local school system but they were married very young due to her turbulent background and her husband is non-LDS and a former Navy diver and now that he's home all the time these past years they're facing reality.

I stopped probably for the same reason your husband did.

I admit this because we are all human beings. Nobody can tell you what it's like because only you know the detailed dynamics involved between you and your husband because that's where god exists for you both. There isn't a book out there that will help. I can only say this from experience...if he hasn't left...or you haven't left...then that's a very good sign. From here on out have open communication until it hurts (leave nothing inside)...get a marriage counselor if you can't do that (non-negotiable)...and endure day to day until the trust is re-built.

There is no silver bullet and you aren't alone.

Edited December 24, 2009 by BenRaines
deleted location information

[RachelleDrew]

Been there, done that.

PM me if you need somebody to talk to. I've certainly been in your situation.

[noche10]

hi , everyone my husband and i have only been married for 3 1/2 years , last month he came back from a trip to visit his family and came back all distant and different he told me he was unhappy and wanted a divorce.. i was confused and really upset. then on the day beore new years he confessed that he had cheated on me a year a go . with a prostitute on several ocations ...... i was devestated ....... but most of all i m confussed i trust the lord completly and i prayid and my answere is to stay with him and wrok things out ,, but i dont know that i will ever be able to trust him again . also he went to talk to she bishop and he has to go to a disapline councel ( ? ) .. but the thing that hurts me the most is that i feel i need to stay with him and he thinks that we should get a divorce ( or at least sometimes he thinks that that would be the best thing ) im not angry with him just very dissapointed and really really hurt .. i have forgiven him . but i dont feel that fixing out marriagde and mending what he did to me is his prioroty- i know that fixing his realationship and getting forgivenss from god is and should be his prioroty ) but i guess i cant help but feel unloved ..........

[noche10]

mormon music -- can you tell me the process as well, im going thru the same problem with my husband ...

[outdoors]

I saw you posted on another thread too so I have a good idea of what happened in your marriage. Are you still in it? How is it going? ANy hope or better just to end things? I am going through this right now, but it's big, really big and I am still in shock.

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

He will have to go thru the High Council and it is best you are starting with the Stake President. There will be a church court at the stake level and he may or may not be excommunicated. He will probably be disfellowshipped for an amount of time based on his level of repentence and humility.

I would suggest counselling and a book list posted on another thread in this list. Right now you are in shock, then will come anger and pain. Finally will come peace and happiness.

Tarnished,

Do you feel you will cheat again? That is my biggest fear with my wife and I am in so much pain now, I don't feel I could bear it again.... I know she desires nothing more than to move on and repent, but its been 3 months and daily I am still reminded of the affairs. I especially despise Facebook as she claims she needs to be on it several times a day and as she met all 3 men there, it is a constant reminder of her infidelity even though she claims to have romoved the men as friends....

[noche10]

i asked my H to delete his my space acct - for my sanity and as part of his proff of moveing foward --

good luck i know just how u feel its been 3 months for me too and every day i hurt ...

[momoftwobabies]

This is happening way too much. It probably shouldn't suprise me but it still does. It happened to me. There is a support group on this site for thsoe who are dealing with infidelity. Surviving Infidelity is the group and just ask the creator to join. It helps to talk to others who have been thgouth it. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's a very difficult road to overcome. Just hang in there. Time is the key!

[Tarnished]

Tarnished,

Do you feel you will cheat again? That is my biggest fear with my wife and I am in so much pain now, I don't feel I could bear it again.... I know she desires nothing more than to move on and repent, but its been 3 months and daily I am still reminded of the affairs. I especially despise Facebook as she claims she needs to be on it several times a day and as she met all 3 men there, it is a constant reminder of her infidelity even though she claims to have romoved the men as friends....

I do not feel I would cheat again, I have written of my repentance process in my blogs on this site. What I did filled me with such revulsion for my actions that there have been many times where I have felt like vomiting just from the thoughts of what I have done. When I think about being alone with another man, even for justified reasons like an interview, I feel a revulsion. The thought of committing the same sin again is something that I don't think I could bear.

When I confessed what I had done to my husband we made some serious changes in my internet use. We agreed that I would not go on the site that I had met the man on, as it was a blogging site I put myself on hiatus and said I didn't know if or when I would be back. After a time, as in many months, I got to a point where I had regained enough of my husband's trust that he was comfortable with me returning to the site on limited usage. I had to change my friend list, I removed all men from the list, I only included female friends that my husband knew. I removed myself from all communities that I had been a part of. I locked my blog so that only people I had friended could see the blog. And I put myself on a friending freeze, meaning I would not friend any new people.

As it relates to Facebook, I would suggest imposing similar restrictions, and if she is unwilling to give it up then request that she only go onto Facebook when you are around. If you are out of the room then she can not be on it. Treat it like a porn addiction.

Truthfully she needs to regain your trust and the only way she can truly do that is to be willing to give up what got her into this trouble in the first place. Just removing the men does not solve the problem, it just gets rid of the recent interests.

I hope this helps.

[Faded]

Tarnished,

Do you feel you will cheat again? That is my biggest fear with my wife and I am in so much pain now, I don't feel I could bear it again.... I know she desires nothing more than to move on and repent, but its been 3 months and daily I am still reminded of the affairs. I especially despise Facebook as she claims she needs to be on it several times a day and as she met all 3 men there, it is a constant reminder of her infidelity even though she claims to have removed the men as friends....

Hi Jimmy, I'm Tarnished's husband.

What happened with my wife and I was quite similar. She met a man online, got into a flirtatious relationship and eventually betrayed our marriage covenants. We've put the pain and agony behind us, but if our ordeal helps anyone else, I figure that at least SOMETHING good came of it!

Tarnished was banned from her favorite blog-site and from all other Facebook-like sites until I decided that she could return under HIGHLY restricted conditions. The important thing was, I was in control of the matter. That helped me a great deal. I decided that it wouldn't do my wife any favors for me to to put up and shut up -- and ideally, she needed to have a list of things from me that I needed from her in order to rebuild trust. She was more than happy to comply. This meant that she actually had things she could work on to repair the damage, while I could have something tangible to know that she was sincerely trying.

If your wife was not counseled to give up Facebook -- and even the internet entirely -- by the Church authorities, then I'm very puzzled. That's the equivalent of leaving a porn addict with unrestricted access to the internet. It's just flat out a bad idea. The notion that she "can't live without Facebook" is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard of. She is an addict to a social website and she's addicted to flirtatious online romances. Leaving her unrestricted access is just begging for it to happen again.

Exactly what was she told to do?? Seems she's being set up for failure.

[Guest mirancs8]

Faded & Tarnished I have to say you are such a great example of a couple working together through a very difficult time. Tarnished you are such a strong woman for working with your husband and taking these steps towards him being able to trust you again. It cannot be easy as many of us have our pride that can stand in the way. Obviously you love your husband and want to do everything necessary to have him trust you completely again. It will be a long road but it will be well worth it.

Faded I completely agree with your comment that "it wouldn't do my wife any favors for me to to put up and shut up". You are absolutely right! If it was the other way around I would say the same thing. It will do her no good to just bite your tongue and toss it over your shoulder because in the end it will cause you so much pain. We all need to be accountable for our actions.

My ex connected with his ex from years ago on facebook and though that was a minor part of what caused all the screws to come loose in the last days of our marriage it was and still bothers me. It bothers me that I had ex's reach out to me recently on facebook and it's very easy to find yourself getting deep into conversations and such. Nothing good comes out of it. I actually like the idea some people do where the husband and wife have one facebook account. I think that's a really great idea.

I really think you both are doing a great job together and though it's going to take time I compliment you for doing it. Faded you must be shattered beyond anything imaginable and Tarnished you must feel so sad that you even allowed this to all happen. I really think you both are VERY strong and I admire that strength.

[Faded]

I really think you both are doing a great job together and though it's going to take time I compliment you for doing it. Faded you must be shattered beyond anything imaginable and Tarnished you must feel so sad that you even allowed this to all happen. I really think you both are VERY strong and I admire that strength.

As to me being shattered beyond anything imaginable -- yes I was. I'm not anymore. The Atonement heals the pain and feelings of betrayal as well as sins. It is truly a remarkable thing! I have forgiven her and so has Heavenly Father. While it's not recommended, I would venture to say that our marriage is better than it ever has been before.

I do remember the day that my wife confessed that she had committed adultery. It was a hammer blow that left me numb, not wanting to feel everything that came with it.

It was that very day that I prayerfully started to make a list of things she could do to rebuild my trust. I did not approach this with malice but this is what the Spirit was guiding me to. It was essentially, "Here are my conditions for sticking around and not getting a divorce." It sounds cruel I know. But infidelity doesn't happen overnight. She needed to remove everything that had led up to it from her life, just as surely as I needed her to do so before I felt I could trust her again. Goals that focused her less on her online life and more on her family. I didn't want to be cruel, but by being soft, the Spirit seemed to whisper that I would only set her up for repeated failures ... or perhaps it was because the Spirit knew that I needed it for my own sake. One or the other, or both, the point is that it's just a very good idea.

The social network sites can be a curious thing. We went for a long, long walk discussing what would happen next. I asked her, "What things are you willing to give up and what things are you not willing to give up?" She told me that she would do whatever it took, but she absolutely did not want to give up [social-network website]. I found this to be a very interesting contradiction since that site had, from my point of view, been a HUGE PART of the problem, and could just as easily lead to the same thing again.

I know that she had a substantial pack of friends in other states (places we used to live) that kept in touch almost exclusively through that website. Ultimately it was decided that she had to erase several extra accounts, remove all friends that I did not know personally or that I did not approve of, lock her page so that only that limited group had access, and even then, she had to leave the website and not return to it until I felt comfortable with it. She was on hiatus for a good few months. Many of her dear friends emailed her a lot asking what was wrong, etc. One of them even gifted her an upgraded account for the site. But she stayed true to her word and stayed off of the website for as long as it took, until I said it was okay to go back (WITH THE LIMITATIONS I ALREADY MENTIONED).

This did SO MUCH to heal the damage done to our marriage. In doing this, she showed me that she valued our marriage more than her addiction to that site. It meant the world to me. She also did a great many other things that have demonstrated that she is committed to the success of our marriage, more so than ever before. The process of making a list and holding it over your spouse under threat of leaving -- it sounds bizarre, cold and almost mean. But it was done with love and hope for her. I love my wife and I wanted her to take the opportunity to do more than just say "It'll never happen again." I wanted to help point her towards becoming the kind of person that would never be unfaithful in a million years. And above all else, I knew that she would be happier and more alive by becoming that woman.

That is the woman I am married to now. I remember saying more than once, "Who are you and what have you done with my wife??"

Just last night she got her temple recommend back. This morning, we went to the fertility clinic where she underwent the first attempt at artificial insemination -- so that we can finally have children (we have problems in that department)! Life has never been better!! I have never been this full of hope and happiness and satisfaction!!

Long answer. Sorry. But no, I'm not hurting anymore, and I'm thrilled that I can say that!!

[momoftwobabies]

Congrats Faded! I hope AI works for you! I have somwhat followed your story cause I too was dealing with infidelity. I never would have thought this but it's true that something like this can make your marriage stronger. I can atest to that for sure. My husband and I have overcome a lot as well and am happy to announce we are expecting our third child in the fall!

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

Actually, the church court told her to get off the internet entirely except to do her homework for school and to close her World of Warcraft account.

I agree in the Facebook issue. She actually had a first onlline affair that was starting in Sept. 2008, but I caught her at 4AM on the very day they had begun calling each other. At that time we closed Facebook for a few months until I felt I could trust her again.

She was good until she began cheating on me in earnest again in August 2009. Because of this, I truly feel she should abandond the site forever. I think it is too much of a temptation for her, but at this time she only becomes angry when we talk about it.

She did have a discussion with her therapist this week who gave her permission to spend 20 minutes a day on it. However, I do not believe she has told her therapist she was having online sex over the chat feature of facebook with at least 3 of her friends and I really think the number is 6. When I asked her to remove the men she was having or had discussed having sex with her friend number dropped by 6. When I asked her about this, she claimed the number was only 3, but I have my doubts.

I keep praying that as I show her love and that I can handle open communications with her that she'll open up more. I know she feels a great amount of shame when discussing it. Her version of the stories are that while she had online sex or talked about sex with these men, each time she met them only as friends, but in hours/minutes they had sex.

The stories don't make sense and she closes down when I ask questions to try to understand better how two people meeting as friends would have sex so quickly. <<<<<< This is what haunts me and what keeps bugging me. She tells me she was taken advantage of and was a victim. To me, this feels more like she is still not willing to own the fact she did to what she did and it leaves me feeling dubious about her not doing it again.

jimmmy

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

I long for the day I no longer hurt.

I get glimpes of this freedom from hurt which last sometimes for a few days, but too often I am triggered by cheating discussions on the radio, movies and television. I am especially triggered every time I see a Facebook message in my email or my wife gets on it. I want so badly for us to close our accounts, but I will not close mine untile she does the same.

I desire for nothing more than to rebuild our relationship and feel confident once more that she will be faithful to me. During this process thus far, I must admit I have fallen deeper in love with my wife and admire her more than I ever have. I find myself feeling regretful I did not have the tools I have learned this past year in my relationship toolbox so very long ago.

I know the atonement is the key to all of this, especially for me.

[Faded]

I long for the day I no longer hurt.

I get glimpes of this freedom from hurt which last sometimes for a few days, but too often I am triggered by cheating discussions on the radio, movies and television. I am especially triggered every time I see a Facebook message in my email or my wife gets on it. I want so badly for us to close our accounts, but I will not close mine untile she does the same.

I desire for nothing more than to rebuild our relationship and feel confident once more that she will be faithful to me. During this process thus far, I must admit I have fallen deeper in love with my wife and admire her more than I ever have. I find myself feeling regretful I did not have the tools I have learned this past year in my relationship toolbox so very long ago.

I know the atonement is the key to all of this, especially for me.

What reasons and/or excuses does she offer for refusing to give up Facebook? I'm curious why this she thinks this is asking too much of her. Like I said, initially my wife was also resistant to giving up her website addiction. But she decided to give it up soon enough anyways.

[Guest mojo_jimmmy]

thats all I can say to you jimmmy.... this is his wife. and I cant believe I am reading this faults statements. I am in tears. I am sadden my husband as taken this further then it shoudl have been. It didnt happen the way he says it did. He throw me into the wall, cracked my hand (and yes I did throw a drink on him cuz he had ripped our internet out of our house and destroyed everything because he didnt want me playing WOW anymore...which to be honest I was rarely playing in the first place which he doesnt believe. I was a FULL TIME NURSING student at that time and doing my hours and hours of care plans) or called all my friend, family, church members the night before it happened and told them you where leaving me... and called the lawyer..and wrote me horrible texts all morning how horrible i was and what a bad mom I was, a horrible person I was, that I sucked as a wife, everything. Do these people need to hear all that. I was so in distraught that I fell. I remember that day crying my eyes out.....a hand cracked, my body aching, and I allowed myself to get used. and I regret it. There really is no excuse for what I did I know that. I did it. Regardless of jimmmy's abuse for 15 years, porn problems, his own "friendships" with women at work, his emotional abuse telling me that he wished he never married me etc.. I STILL should not have done what I did. It is my sin to own. I have been trying so hard. I have given up everything for him. I do have facebook still ( and jimmmy does to, hmmm) but took off people I didnt think where appropriate to have on there. I took the appropriate steps according to my bishops recommendation, and the personal and family counselor. And I ahve never looked back. It was an easy step for me. I talked it over with the counselor and agreed that as long as I use facebook appropriately and limite my time on there to my fishville (lol) and mafia wars, I would be fine. I take my commitment seriously. I am not a addicted sex addict. I am a person that made a mistake. it is satans plan to totally control my every action by monitoring me. Satan wanted to take away freedom to make choices. He did not give an option for repentance. I believe in the atonement. I believe in free agency. I believe it is ultimately me that has to choice the right, not jimmmy to force me to do so like everyone is suggesting. I am a god fearing women. I KNOW I cant go back to him in good graces without repentance without the atonement. I told my husband because I wanted to be a repented person. I made that choice. I made the choice to go to the bishop about it and take my consequences. To be honest I thought they where going to x me, but they did not because of the horrible emotional and physical abuse I had suffered over the years. I am greatful I have been give a second chance. I am greatful the lord saw me fit to stay in this wonderful church.

When I sat in front of the counsel to find out what would happen to me I couldnt look up. I was so ashamed for my actions. I realized what it was going to be like when the lord comes again in the last days and people are hiding because they cannot face the lord because of shame. I DONT want to be that person. I want to greet the lord with open arms saying I endured to the end I am with thee.

I am doing my part...it is hard to find solice in repenting when your husband blasts you on boards like this when I thought things where getting really good. It really hurts because he is not the only one who has suffered. I am suffering extremely for my actions. My heart hurts. I am also trying to get over my self esteem issues from all the years of abuse too. My soul yearns for the temple. Being without my temple recommend is killing me right now. I am truly trying to repent. He makes it hard. I get reminded daily that Im a cheater. I am sad..

Jimmmy I do love you. I hope one day you can see past your heart and make that choice to forgive me. I did it. Nothing I can do can ever take it back. I hope you find it in your heart...

-your wife....

Edited March 5, 2010 by mojo_jimmmy

[Guest mirancs8]

I think if you are wavering in your limits that you set for her she can easily bend the rules with you. You have to stay firm and not be wishy washy. When you love someone that much you have to do whatever it takes and sometimes it won't always seem favorable in her eyes.

[Guest mirancs8]

jimmmy.... wife, I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope that the steps you are taking get you to a good place with your husband. Marriage is really tough with all the temptations around us. This is good that you also voice how you feel. I don't think that your husband meant to be mean and such maybe he just felt like he needed to put it out there.

Keep in mind too that many here read these comments and learn from others experiences. Your husband must love you a great deal because if he didn't he would be talking about something else. You are his focus... you are who he loves. It's not going to be a fun ride but you will get that temple recommend back before you know it.

Keep strong and on the right path.

[Faded]

It never is only the one person's fault. It wasn't in my case. It sounds like it isn't in Jimmy's case. I have asked my wife to lock me out of the computer because I've had problems with pornography in the past and I know that I don't trust myself. If I want to be online, my wife is in the room with me. Likewise, I can look and see what's going on with my wife's web-page from work or with my work laptop from home -- which is monitored and filtered by the company I work for, so it's not possible to access much in the way of porn, and if I did it anyway, I could lose my job for it. I think I'd be alright if I was to have free access from home, but I don't want to let myself have the opportunity to screw up so I remove the possibility wherever possible. And i think that is the wisest course for me. It's not been a problem for a long time and I prefer to keep it that way.

Typically, when a marriage is in such turmoil as yours sounds like it is, both parties hurt one another over and over again. Hurt builds upon hurt and it just keeps escalating. Until you can work together and come up with a no-nonsense approach to:

A.) Eliminate EVERYTHING in your respective lives that does harm to your marriage.

B.) Rebuild trust in each other.

It sounds to me like both of you are not getting enough of a commitment from the other person towards rebuilding and repairing love and trust from the other. Well, if either one of you has a list of grievances, then you've got a lot of talking through things to do before it's right. If there is still escalating pain and mistrust, then you're gameplan for renewing your marriage is not sufficient.

The most important thing is that you both must be in agreement with whatever steps you take, and you MUST be willing to sacrifice what you want or what you are comfortable with in order to make the marriage work. If you are not then you're just setting yourselves up for a whole lot of fights and hurt and anger and disappointment.

Edited March 5, 2010 by Faded