My husband is drinking again

[Alexlyn]

Two days ago, I discovered that my husband of 6+ years has started drinking again. He is hiding it from me, but I started feeling suspicious and went searching for evidence. I found a crumpled receipt in the trash that showed he purchased vodka.

This isn't the first time that he was hiding his drinking from me. Last year I caught him in a lie about his whereabouts and when he was sleeping I went digging in and around his desk at home. I found a bottle of alcohol in his work bag. When I confronted him about it, it was like pulling teeth to get him to admit to his drinking. He finally gave me access to his bank account where I could see all of his purchases at liquor stores going back several months. He told me that he had never had a problem before. It was the stress of the job that made him start drinking. He went and talked with the Bishop and I thought he had cleaned himself up. He was able to renew his Temple recommend and I thought this problem was well in the past.

We have both been active members of the church for many, many years. I was crushed when I discovered this secret of his. I felt hurt and betrayed that he was lying to me. It has only been the last 3 weeks ago, that I've started to feel suspicious again.

Now my question to you all is this: Should I confront him with just the receipt or should I continue to look for his hiding place? I'm afraid that if I confront him with just the receipt he will throw out the bottle, I'll never know where he hides it, and he'll just be more careful in the future with his receipts. But I've looked everywhere for the last few days, and I still can't find where he might be hiding the bottle.

I hate that I can't trust my husband. Any advice?

[prisonchaplain]

IMHO this goes beyond finding out where the bottle hides. Does your husband want to be free from his addiction? I have two relatives who faced a family vs. bottle decision in their mid-40s. One chose family, did AA for 10 years, stayed clean and sober, and lived to be 87. The other chose the bottle, lost family, and ultimately died of end-stage liver disease at 68 (an ugly way to go, btw!). The latter was the son of the former. His own mother had to attend his funeral.

So, everyone on the site will agree that hubby needs to choose family and sobriety. But, will he? It matters not whether you have a receipt or the secret place the bottle hides. Hubby has an important decision to make.

You might seek counsel, perhaps even organize an intervention. Pray hard (I'm sure you do), and seek counsel for the bigger problem. There are always new hiding places, if he chooses the bottle and the way of deception.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I would not condone his behavior but you may not want to be angry at him (I know it will be hard not to be angry). Tell him that you want to support him and that you love him. I would tell him you want to go to counseling with him and help rid him of this habit. There are many people that have problems with alcohol and there are also many people who have beat their addiction.

[song_of_the_sun]

I know how difficult this is for you. Addiction is rampant in my family of origin, so i understand your pain. I think you are in a very difficult place. If you confront him, he will just lie, not because he is a bad man, but because he is an addict. An active addict always lies. Whatever he is blaming his actions on is just a scapegoat, he is sick, his choices are his own. The only advice i have for you is to not internalize what is going on, he may even try to blame it all on you. If he does, do not believe it. I went to alanon and it really helped me to cope. I did learn that there is NOTHING one can do to make someone else drink, and there is NOTHING you can do to make it stop. I learned the art of loving from a distance. It i very easy to get sucked down into their hell and you do not want that, especially if you have kids. Remember, monkey see, monkey do. Be careful what they see. my aunt used to hide her alcohol, all over the house. I remember this one time i almost got knocked out by a king can of beer falling right on my head in the shower, and of the toilet not working because it was clogged with a beer can in the tank. She would wake me up at 3am to take me for a malt, drunk out of her tree, i was only a kid. My father went missing for 3 days, came back with no car all bloodied, we thought he was dead. I hope your husband never gets this bad, i hope he makes the choice to get help so he can stop. Are there enablers in his life, i really hope not. if there are, they need to go.

[LolaBella]

AlexLyn Im in a similar position, in that my Mom drinks and hides it. She has also taken up smoking again at the grand old age of 58, and she hides that too. Its hard because although I dont live with my Mom, I cant trust her and she lies to me constantly. Even though she doesn't go to church anymore she actually thinks that I believe her when she says she still reads her scriptures etc.

It must be different with a spouse, obviously, but with a Parent Ive had to learn to accept that I cant trust her. Ive told her what she is doing is damaging our relationship and if she continues her behaviour we will get further and further apart. So the fact that she continues tells me she's made her choice.

With a spouse, perhaps you should have a similar converstaion. I would confront him, talk wth him. If he is repentant then you can work through it together. If he tries to deny it etc say you have proof, and if he continues to lie he is going to jeapordise your marriage.

It sounds harsh but people like this need strong words and bigtime ultimatums and boundaries. Ive been there. You need to stay in control. i.e. This is what will happen if you do this, and this is what will happen if you do that. Stay strong, and stay in control.

Good luck sweetie x

[LDSVALLEY]

My father was addicted to alcohol from around 12 until 62 my parents were divorced because of it. He only got sober because I fought the Government for 2 years to commit him for alcoholic induced dementia. And that was after he was diagnosed with it!

While he is a parent not a spouse I believe the following might apply realizing every person and situation is different. Dad and Mom tried off and on for many years to get him to stay sober. With him it was stress that caused it. When things went bad he hit the bottle as a way to cope.

At one point Mom took us and left, it shocked Dad into going into rehab voluntary. He was doing very well but we kids hated being at a relatives home, she was staying away to enforce her position, we kids ganged up on her to allow us home. Shortly later he came home because she lost the leverage she had. That was the last time, he stayed sober for two years then after three they were divorced.

My point is be firm, let him know clearly what you will tolerate and won't and be firm and quick with the consequences. Let him know you will help him work on it but he is in charge of what consequences result from his choice. Let him know if he is really trying but slips up once in a while and confesses to you immediately and works to overcome the mistake that you will continue to support and help him. ( Addicts have a hard time staying completely clean so this gives them a chance to remove guilt and keep going. But don't let him take advantage of it. Make sure it comes across as separate from the consequence of final choice otherwise it appears you are not firm in the end result and he can not be firm in his attempts.)

Show him the receipt and tell him you expect him to give you his temple recommend for a month and access to the bank accounts again. Since this is not the first time this road has been gone down you should not worry about a large volume of evidence to the contrary. It is up to the two of you to decide to go before the Bishop or not for more formal paths. If it was a one time weakness you want to be firm but loving to help him overcome the guilt and get on track. If it has slipped into a hidden problem again and has happened more then the one receipt then the church needs to take appropriate steps.

Last thing is we found out with my daughter that ADD runs in the family and most often it transfers from the Male genes. I scoffed at that until I was tested, since I argued my daughter was the same as me and I don't have ADD they said I should make sure. Dad's dementia was advanced enougth it was pointless to test him but he has all the symptoms of it as did his father. Alcohol is often used as a coping method for people with ADD or ADHD in dealing with stress. If in fact he is only drinking to cope with stress you might want to suggest having him tested for it.

Pray often for help, what ever you decide to do, do it as soon as possible the longer it takes the harder it will be to correct. Remember to seek help for yourself as well, it is hard to cope with.

Edited November 29, 2009 by LDSVALLEY

[mrmarklin]

Your husband is clearly an alcoholic, and if he truly wants to recover, should join a 12 step program. Many are run by the LDS church.

BTW, one never leaves these programs. You become a lifer in the recovery of your addiction.

You don't say how long you have been married, and whether or not you have children. But if there are children involved you need to act to protect them from the effects of alcoholism in the family. I married a woman from an alcoholic family, and while she is a fine person and has never taken a drink, the effects of alcoholism in her life are negative and real in her personality and behaviors. I knew she came from such a home before I married her, but being young and dumb thought little of it. However it has been an issue in our marraige, and if I had to do it over, I would avoid marrying a person from such a background.

I suspect your husband has other negative behaviors that you have not elaborated.

[Dirk]

I am no expert, but are you sure that this is the correct place to try and address this situation. If and I emphasize IF you husband has a problem the advise you might get here is not from experts but rather from good intention people. It seems like you are building a wall of suspicion and he is building a wall of protection, this could lead to major problems in a young marriage of 6+ years.

[Guest]

For some reason, I imagined you "scolding" your husband, possibly giving him the 3rd degree with a few tongue lashings when you mentioned confrontation. If this is the case, I can completely understand why he hides.

Alcoholism is not like forgetting to take out the trash. It is not something you beat himself up for (don't take this literally) and hope he's going to never do it again. This is something both of you will have to fight together - side-by-side, arm-in-arm, loving each other - before it goes to the abusive stage.

I like Dirk's comments above.

[Bini]

I agree with, Dirk, as well. Probably the best advice right there.

[bytor2112]

I have been "clean and sober" since April of 2005. I am an alcoholic and have been all of my adult life. I began drinking in high school and continued.....I was a functioning, successful...drunk. I can tell you that if your husband is an alcoholic it is a very difficult thing to kick on your own He drinks because:

1. He is unhappy.

2 There is some unresolved pain in his life.

3. He likes to drink....the effects of alcohol allow him the freedom to be himself or masks whatever the real problem is. As AA teaches, the drinking is just a symptom of the under lying problem.

The Atonement cured my problems....changed me and healed the wounds that I carried. I have absolutely NO desire to drink alcohol ever again. No cravings.

Edited December 4, 2009 by bytor2112