? re: the other person involved in infidelity

[Torn]

If you were the spouse of someone who had an affair, would you want to know who the other person was? If you did find out who it was, and knew this person and knew they were also married, would you tell their spouse what was going on?

For instance, lets say you find out your wife was having an affair. Do you want to know who with? And IF she tells you, and you know him, would you tell his wife? Shouldn't it be HIS decision when to come clean and when to tell his wife? But then again, doesn't his wife have a right to know what her husbands been doing behind her back?

Does the name of the other person involved in the affair even have to come up when meeting with the bishop or whoever is invovled when going through the repentence process (even if it's not the same bishop or SP)?

I'm just... confused... and not sure what to do...

[Palerider]

Here is what a Bishop might be able to do if you told him who it was....in order for him to do something he may ask you if you are willing to say that in a Church Council, if not there isn't alot he can do until that person comes forward to confess.If someone tells a Bishop something like this he has to have evidence or a witness or something so he isn't just tossing accusations around. You can always call that person in and speak with them but, if they don't confess, again, he is kinda limited as to what he can do.

Edited January 6, 2010 by Palerider

[mavreenrose]

the wife deserves to know. it is your moral obligation to let the wife know.

[SuperAlbeee]

I believe the wife has the right to know.

She is entitled to "choice" of staying or leaving a husband who committs adultery. A person has the right to know if adultery has occurred in their marriage and whether their partner has fallen into apostasy.

If the husband, or other people do not disclose this information, everyone is taking away her choice to stay in that marriage, and they deny her the right to work things out. By saying nothing, her husband could repeat his behaviour and it will be a vicious cycle or betrayal.

I also think that he will not have repented properly if he has not told her about his infidelity.

The consequence of her being kept in the dark is that she is living marriage with serious lies.

At least if she is told, she can choose to stay and work on their problems together with a bishop, or she can choose to end the marriage and can find someone who will not betray her.

[Honor]

I honestly feel very funny about making the decisions about what is fair/right in someone else's marriage (of course there are extreme situations where action is required immediately - that's not what I'm referring to). I'm not saying that she should be left in the dark, but his repentance and their marriage are personal areas where each of them have their own agency. There's a saying I've heard that says, "The devil takes a hand in what is done in haste."

It WOULD be a terrible situation if someone was left in the dark regarding their spouses infidelity, but I'd want make sure I was going about it in the most careful and tactful way possible for my own sake and the wife's. I'm sure somebody is thinking, "You mean you wouldn't want to know if your husband was having an affair?" Of course I would, but I'd hope that the person was careful in how they went about it.

I'd probably ask my bishop for counsel as to my moral obligation in the situation. If there is a proper way to go about something like this, I'd trust that he'd know what it is. I'd turn the matter over to someone who has the authority to counsel and judge. Her knowledge of the situation is the main objective, but I believe there are some methods better than others. I'd be hesitant to rush in with good intentions while inserting myself further into the situation.

[Misshalfway]

If my H were having an affair, I would want to know important details and that includes identity. If its a woman at work, I may need him to change jobs to prove to me the relationship is over. If its my best friend that plays backgammon with us every Friday night, you bet I'd want to know. My friendship with her would certainly be part of the sham. It would be absolutely vital for my spouse to come completely clean with me and leave no rock unturned. Then I am sure all the cancer has been removed and I can move on with my decisions and healing.

But when the information or the disclosures become complicated and involve people outside my immediate boundaries, then I would think caution and care would be absolutely necessary. Honor said it well. I am not sure sitting on the information or covering things up is any kind of position to take though.

[dazed-and-confused]

i would have to agree with both of my friends about this.... Miss Halfway and Honor......i would want to know who it was the affair was with and hope that i didn't know him, because if i did then the betrayal would feel double.......and in anger i would want to tell the other spouse....but as it was stated above......it's best to go easy with that and get advice......and if it seems that we all knew each other in some form or other.....the fact that we all knew except that other spouse might shame him/her into confessing......or changing wards, i guess.

[justaname]

If the spouse finds out about the affair, but not the identity, that is going to be a million times worse. I know that if my wife cheated, but I didnt know who with, every walking male I come into contact with is going to be a suspect. Consider that. You wouldnt be able to rule out your boss, your best friend, your next door neighbor, your home teachers, or heaven forbid your priesthood leaders. Heck, you might not even be able to rule out your own brother! I say better to point the finger at the guilty rather than the victim point the finger at everyone else.

[Bini]

I would want to know.

But not sure whether I'd go to the length of notifying the spouse of the mistress.

[annamaureen]

If my husband had an affair, I absolutely would want to know who it was with. Part of showing repentance and regret and building up trust again is coming clean with everything, and that includes her identity. If he refused to tell me, I would only be even more suspicious and wonder what he was hiding.

And yes, I would want to tell the husband of the woman he cheated with. I couldn't, in good conscience, let them go on with their marriage, unaware of what their spouse had done. I would want someone to do the same for me.