revealing past sins to significant other

[bonanzafan]

is it appropriate to reveal and apologize for past sins, particularly sexual sins (that have been sincerely repented of with priesthood help), to a significant other who you'd like to marry, in the form of apology? i feel like if i want a girl to be my wife, i should be honest and sincere with her. regarding these things, i've always felt that i robbed my future wife of experiences that were to be hers and mine together. if you have experienced either side of this, i'm interested in what you would have done, or done different. thanks in advance.

[WmLee]

I have made some terrible mistakes in my life; been to my priesthood leaders and I’ve spent a lot of time on my knees. My wife knows of my past, but not in detail, for that I am grateful. That she knows I made mistakes is enough. If you feel so moved, if you think it is so important that she knows you’ve made a few bad choices, save her any details. “I’ve been in a relationship that was not healthy” or “I made a mistake,” or “I’ve had a problem with chastity and I’ve been to my Bishop and Stake President. I think it’s important you know before you say “yes” to marriage because I don’t want you surprised by any ghost or rumors of ghost coming from my closet” should be enough. To share any details would be hurtful and are not necessary.

[hordak]

is it appropriate to reveal and apologize for past sins, particularly sexual sins (that have been sincerely repented of with priesthood help), to a significant other who you'd like to marry, in the form of apology? i feel like if i want a girl to be my wife, i should be honest and sincere with her. regarding these things, i've always felt that i robbed my future wife of experiences that were to be hers and mine together. if you have experienced either side of this, i'm interested in what you would have done, or done different. thanks in advance.

When you buy a home you get it inspected. When you buy a car you what to know it's history.

Marriage is 1000x the commitment. I would think one would want to know. I would provide the info, though not go into detail unless they wanted it(some may not)

P.S. I heard one of the brothers from bonanza died recently. Not haus or little joe but the other one.

[JudoMinja]

I'm open about what I've done. I of course don't share it with strangers or go into detail unneccessarily, but when it comes time that I'm ready to date again, I would tell any guy I was dating seriously the extent of what I did. This is also a sign of full repentance. What was done (sexual sin) affects your future spouse, so they deserve an apology too. Willingness to confess it to them and share whatever details they want to hear shows that you have fully repented and are not trying to hide from it.

[jmcic]

When you buy a home you get it inspected. When you buy a car you what to know it's history.

Marriage is 1000x the commitment. I would think one would want to know. I would provide the info, though not go into detail unless they wanted it(some may not)

P.S. I heard one of the brothers from bonanza died recently. Not haus or little joe but the other one.

i agree i just recently had to go through this and i did the same told my history but did not go into detail and it went well she respected me for it

[Misshalfway]

I don't think its necessary to tell details. I do think it might prevent future hurt by being thorough though.

If you tell her (for example) that you had premarital sex but you leave out the part about it being with multiple people or the STD you got or the addiction that precipitated it, it could undermind the trust you are trying to build.

I also worry a little about the thought process that its a "right" that both are virgins before marriage. It certainly is the ideal. It certainly speaks to the character of the individual who maintains such discipline in their lives. But all of us are sinful in some way and we need to repent. So, I just think its important for the people who hear these confessions to keep these things into perspective and not overreact. There is absolutely no need to take the past and make it more important than it is.

[NeuroTypical]

My wife and I both came clean while we were dating. It was a good thing. If some of this stuff came out after we were married, it might have destroyed us.

LM

[RipplecutBuddha]

For my part, my wife told me similar things she had done before we dated.

I said "I'm glad we're talking about this, but I have no reason to distrust you, or dislike you for it. I love you and accept you for who you are, warts and all." BTW she didn't really have any warts..

She responded in a similar manner to what I explained about my past, and our relationship was founded on solid trust in each other from then on.

[Wisc]

If you already got past it dont bring it up man. Sure admit you made mistakes if its brought up... but I wouldnt go into what where why or with whom. The Lord has forgiven and forgotten... by you dragging out your old laundry youre insulting him. And she/he shouldnt try and drag it out of you either.

[Faded]

Complete openness and honesty is how my wife and I started out. There's no way you can hit every little detail, but I had slept with someone prior and I told her about it. Had I kept it a secret, it just seems that she'd have found out eventually. Even if she never found out, it'd tear me up inside keeping that secret from her. So even if you feel it risks your relationship, you simply need to be honest.

[Misshalfway]

Complete openness and honesty is how my wife and I started out. There's no way you can hit every little detail, but I had slept with someone prior and I told her about it. Had I kept it a secret, it just seems that she'd have found out eventually. Even if she never found out, it'd tear me up inside keeping that secret from her. So even if you feel it risks your relationship, you simply need to be honest.

Well, and isn't this part of what trust is? If we hide, we aren't really living in trust.

[annamaureen]

My husband and I talked about our past mistakes when we got engaged. But it wasn't in the form of an "apology." I would've been hurt and angry if he'd hid something and I'd only found out after we were married.

Edited February 1, 2010 by annamaureen

[Nikkie85]

I think it is best to lay it all out on the table before marriage. I found out something about my spouse ten days before we got married and it almost ended our engagement. Even after we were married I was hurt by the lie and felt that he needed to make it up to me. I was more hurt by the lie than the action. He was embarrassed to tell me and thought that I would judge him when in reality I would of accepted it and moved on.

[Bini]

We're very open about our past with each other. But my husband isn't interested in hearing about all the men I've dated and the sexual sins I've committed during those times. I'm opposite, I apparently "dig" for information regarding past flames and it drives hubby nuts! He refuses to go into detail about past sin etc etc, other than, simply telling me that "yes" or "no" he had done it.

[kc247]

I would definitely want to tell before marriage. But save the details. You don't want those details in your significant others mind at all.. details aren't nessesary I don't think. Especially if it's something you've repented for and is in the past. There's no need in bringing up past mistakes that aren't important now.

Also, I wouldn't tell until you fully trust the person. I would personally wait until it's serious enough for marriage, or unless it was brought up in conversation and you feel you are ready, before I would tell.

(this is what i plan on doing with me and my bf, as i have a 'past'. but i dont think it's nessesary that he know about it unless marriage is in the future)