Is there a correlation?

[Bini]

Is there a correlation between virginity and leeching?

My dearest best friend will be approaching 30 in a couple years. Not long ago she confided in me that she felt she would be single forever and die an old maid. She is not LDS but has remained chaste for all this time. At least, until she met her boyfriend, who she has since started a physical relationship with for the last year. From what she's told me about him, I've come to believe that he's a bad influence and absolutely no good for her. I could go into detail but in short, he struggles with multiple addictions and is manipulative with her. BUT she loves him. Imagine that.

She fiercely defends him, saying that no one has ever understood her like he does and that I just don't understand why their love/hate relationship does work. I don't and I really have no interest in figuring out the inner workings of it either. She knows where I stand and so "he" just isn't brought up when we're together.

My question is only what is posed at the top of this post. It seems to me that virgins are more prone to falling hard and fast for their "first love". Regardless if their romantic interest is abusive or not, I think someone who hasn't dated or hasn't been in a relationship before, is more likely to become emotionally leeched to the first person that shows them affection. Thoughts?

[Wingnut]

It seems to me that virgins are more prone to falling hard and fast for their "first love". Regardless if their romantic interest is abusive or not, I think someone who hasn't dated or hasn't been in a relationship before, is more likely to become emotionally leeched to the first person that shows them affection. Thoughts?

Nonsense. We're all virgins at some point or another. If the above were true, we'd all be with the first person we ever loved or thought we loved or who loved us. We're not.

[pam]

Are you asking about "first love" or first sex? I could imagine someone might confuse the two.

Edited February 6, 2010 by pam

[Bini]

Confusing the two, Pam.

[Bini]

Nonsense. We're all virgins at some point or another. If the above were true, we'd all be with the first person we ever loved or thought we loved or who loved us. We're not.

Valid viewpoint.

Perhaps it's more based on how you feel about intimacy. I've always had a hard time connecting emotion with sexual intimacy. Sex was always just sex and nothing more. So even as a teen, my first was nothing remotely special. But for others, alike my friend, it's a huge deal being their first.

[Tarnished]

I think first loves make a huge impact on people whoever they are. When you first fall in love you usually have never experienced anything like it before and because of that you think this is some unique perfect thing that shouldn't be broken. Besides the fact that the rose colored glasses stay firmly on when we are in relationships, it usually isn't until we are out of the relationship before we realize the really bad points to our past significant other.

I don't think it is really virginity that makes the difference, I think it is that first feeling that a first love brings. This first love does not work out for many of us, but there are quite a few high school sweethearts who are together because it was their first love. My parents (specifically my father) is an example of that.

[Elgama]

if we listen to what the prophets tell us then no - like Spencer W Kimball said any 2 good people can make a good marriage, but you both have to be good people. I have only dated 2 or 3 men including my husband and I am very happy with that, men that wanted to date me are few and far between, because I am a strong confident intelliegent woman, however I did find I attracted both the very best and the very worst of men, it was because I was choosy and happy being single I didn't get dragged into a relationship with all but the best guys

[Guest Alana]

In high school I hung out with a group of girls and there were 7 of us. Every single one of those girls except myself lost their virginity in high school, to their first loves. Every single on of those boys ended up either cheating on them or breaking their hearts in a cruel manner. I think they were blinded by the wonderfulness of love. Perhaps what you're seeing is women who aren't experienced with men and how many of them are manipulative. I'm not saying men are bad. I am saying most single men that were single and not from church that I've met had 'getting some' high on the priority list.

Of the women I know who are in their 30's who are single at church and virgins, the ones I know about their dating experience, they don't let themselves be used, they have very high standards and work hard on improving them selves on a daily basis. They just haven't met the right guys yet.

Why is it that some teenage girls go farther than they want or get with guys who are no good for them and others don't? I think it's mostly a matter of person choice, standards and how we view the world around us.

[NeuroTypical]

Some people just decide they need to touch the hot stove and get burned.

[Wingnut]

Every single one of those girls except myself lost their virginity in high school, to their first loves.

And therein lies one problem: were they really in love? Did either the girl or the boy in any of those situations actually love the other?

[NeuroTypical]

"Love", meaning the feeling or emotion of love, is overrated. Emotions aren't logical by definition. Love can show up when it shouldn't. Sometimes it isn't around when it should be there.

"Love" as the verb, the actions one takes as an expression of attachment and togetherness, that's where it's at. You should love people even if you don't feel loving towards them. And loving people as God commands, doesn't involve doing stupid things to yourself.

LM

[JudoMinja]

Is there a correlation between virginity and leeching?

My dearest best friend will be approaching 30 in a couple years. Not long ago she confided in me that she felt she would be single forever and die an old maid. She is not LDS but has remained chaste for all this time. At least, until she met her boyfriend, who she has since started a physical relationship with for the last year. From what she's told me about him, I've come to believe that he's a bad influence and absolutely no good for her. I could go into detail but in short, he struggles with multiple addictions and is manipulative with her. BUT she loves him. Imagine that.

It seems to me that virgins are more prone to falling hard and fast for their "first love". Regardless if their romantic interest is abusive or not, I think someone who hasn't dated or hasn't been in a relationship before, is more likely to become emotionally leeched to the first person that shows them affection. Thoughts?

I think there is definitely a correlation between virginity and leeching, just not a direct one. As was previously stated, we were all virgins at some point or another (or still are) and we have not all ended up with a "leech" attached to us.

There is a definite emotional high with the first. There is an emotional high in any relationship at the start, whether it is the first or not, but the first seems intensified because these are newly explored feelings. With the first, you are learning and defining what these feelings mean and determining whether or not they mean this is the person you want to stick with. Some can become very confused and find themselves throwing their better judgment out the window, believeing that feeling this way IS the answer and no matter what, they could never feel the same with someone else.

I think the correlation can be better understood when looked at this way:

Complete Virginity- meaning a complete lack of any intimate relationship or the feelings accompanying one

Time- there is a buildup of desire and hormonal frustration over longer periods of time

Patience- personal willingness to continue waiting as long as necessary vs. a desperation to find ANYONE willing to be with you

Leeches- people who feed off of desperation, easily finding those lacking self-worth and twisting them every which way to get everything they want

Someone who has maintained complete virginity (or near to it) over an extended period of time and lacks patience will find themselves a leech.

I was one of those people. I know what its like to go through something like that, and the key to avoiding the leeches is to build on the patience. Don't let the time you are lacking intimacy and your cravings cause you to lower your standards or question your self-worth. Doing so will be ultimately detrimental to you, as your desperation will attract a manipulator and you will be blind to their tactics.

[rameumptom]

She has become co-dependent on him. That is not love. His view is: why buy the cow when the milk is free? He is using her.

[Bini]

She has become co-dependent on him. That is not love. His view is: why buy the cow when the milk is free? He is using her.

Undoubtedly he is using her.

Your last statement confuses me though. Is this in reference to them being "unwed"?

[rameumptom]

My last statement is in regards of her giving herself to him without the guarantees and protection and promises of marriage vows.

Why should he ever marry her or treat her well, when she isn't requiring it from him? If she's staying and giving him what he wants, then he is going to do what most mortal men would do: take advantage of the situation. Most guys will take sex without any strings (or few strings) over marriage. It is a sad thing, but sadly it is true.

Now, I'm not blaming her for the guy's actions. However, I am noting that she is confusing co-dependency with actual healthy love. In hopes he will stay, she gives up her chastity and self-esteem. But she is the one choosing to give them up.

[FunkyTown]

Nonsense. We're all virgins at some point or another. If the above were true, we'd all be with the first person we ever loved or thought we loved or who loved us. We're not.

Haven't you ever heard there was an exception to every rule?

When I was born, I already knew how to shake it... But not break it. That's right:

I was the Ooga Chakka baby from Aly McBeal.

[hordak]

I would say there is a correlation but think is stems more from the loneliness factor then virginity ( since sex is so common virgins are more likely to have had less long intimate (not sexual but close) relationships. (not saying they can't exist without sex though).

After my father lost my mother he started to date some real riff raff. A younger girl with a kid and a baby daddy (not ex hubby) who he would shuttle around in his car,(the girl not the baby daddy) and is still paying a rent to own center for a computer he bought her that "was stolen".

Problem was he was/is lonely. The desire to have a partner, while not as essential as eating or breathing) is as hardwired into us. The longer one goes not meeting this "need" ( or in this case losings it after having it so long) the less picky one becomes.

I had to sit him down and explain the dating world has changed since bell bottoms, leisure suits, and light up disco floors:D

[Wingnut]

Haven't you ever heard there was an exception to every rule?

When I was born, I already knew how to shake it... But not break it. That's right:

I was the Ooga Chakka baby from Aly McBeal.

That would probably be a lot funnier to me if I had ever watched Ally McBeal. :)