wife of the bishop

[carlimac]

Is the amount of time a man serves as bishop arbitrary or is 5 years standard (and mandatory)?

Background: We are currently living in an area that we never intended on staying in for more than about 3-4 years. It's now been 10 1/2! My husband has a good secure job but this city, even after 10 years doesn't feel like home to me. I really want to move back closer to our extended family. (4 states and 1300 miles away) Half of our children don't recognize their cousins in pictures. They only have one grandmother left and it looks like she'll be spending all of 48 hours with us in June. No other immediate prospects to see her.

We have been job searching for years. My husband is in a rather tight career box and there are very few opportunites in his expertise in what we call our "home" area. About a year ago he was called as bishop. I agreed to support him in his calling as long as he didn't quit looking for jobs back home. I think the most important thing for us is family realtionships and they have suffered by us being 1300 miles away. WE are always the ones to make that journey to see them and I'm getting tired of always being the visitor, always being the one to use our vacation time to go see them rather than going somewhere else fun (like they do). We invite them all to come to see us every year but visits are extremely rare despite our best efforts to entertain, feed and love them. My husband agrees with my feelings about it...sort of. I think he does in principle but not so much in practice. I think he feels like extended family relationships are a bit tiresome. He is much more independent than I am. He likes where he is and what he is doing. We have some friends but they are all rather superficial relationships. It's an area where people come and go a lot - very transient. So maybe we haven't worked all that hard at developing freindships that could take the place of family support.

So now a job opportunity- not a perfect one but a really good one with great benefits and pay, has come up. It's not right in our home town but a 3 1/2 hour drive away ( closer than 23 hour drive or a $400 dollar plane ticket away!!) I'm a bit unsure about the location just because I have never been there but genereally I feel OK about it and about doing my job as a stay at home mom there. He all but has a job offer in hand. But now he is feeling guilty about even considering it. The stake president has told my husband on a couple of occasions that he is the one to be bishop of this ward right now. Pray and pray as I might, I don't get that same confirmation. I think he is doing a good job, we have had some sweet experiences, but I have never felt like he is the only one that can do this job as bishop in this ward right now. If anything I get stronger feelings that it's time to reconnect with our family.

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

[Guest]

Family always comes first before Church callings.

There's no set time limit for being a bishop of a ward. As a matter of fact, your husband will always be a bishop even if he does not have the keys for his home ward (in case you decide to move).

Pray together as a family and make sure that when both of you pray, you are single in the "Thy will be done" part of the prayer, not "my family's will be done, or my ward's will be done" or whatever other wills are present... but, I'm sure you are already doing this. So, just keep doing it and eventually it will lead you to an answer...

[mrmarklin]

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

Why haven't you grown up??????

Has it always been about YOU????

Supporting your husband's calling only if he keeps trying to leave it is selfish and really very non-supportive.

Your home and family is where your husband and children are, and always has been. I'm glad I'm not your husband, because I would want to take a vacation to somewhere other than my old hometown.

You must be driving him crazy.

Edited February 8, 2010 by mrmarklin

[carlimac]

Wow, Thanks for the support MrM. (not) I'm brand new to this board. Is this how warm and helpful it always is? You sound very chauvanistic. And by the way- no, it has ALWAYS been about where my husband wants to work and where our kids have done well in school. It has NEVER been about me in 25 years of marriage. EVER!!

AND I will still support him no matter what, but he tends to get complacent (too comfortable) and not stretch and reach out of his comfort zone. I think he is using this bishop thing as an excuse to not have to broaden his horizons.

Ok, I edited it out my last comment because it wasn't very nice. But honestly, are you married? If so, is it ever about her??

Edited February 8, 2010 by carlimac

[WillowTheWhisp]

But isn't that exactly what she has said mrmarklin that they would both love to holiday elsewhere but instead they go back to where the extended family live in order to maintain that contact.

If you move out of the area carlumac Heavenly Father will show the Stake President who to call next as Bishop. Your husband is the one chosen right now because he is there. If he was somewhere else then some other person would be called.

I personally don't believe it is wrong to consider the needs and wishes of your family.

[skippy740]

I've heard that Bishops serve for 5 years because they offend 20% of the ward every year. :)

[carlimac]

I think he has only offended one person so far. Maybe two.

[MarginOfError]

Family always comes first before Church callings.

By which we generally mean wife and children. The notion that we need to put careers and church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family seems, to me, to be a bit of a stretch. (extenuating needs and circumstances excepted)

There's no set time limit for being a bishop of a ward. As a matter of fact, your husband will always be a bishop even if he does not have the keys for his home ward (in case you decide to move).

While this is technically true, it is only in the sense that a deacon is always a deacon, and an elder is always an elder. In fact, an elder in the Melchizedek Priesthood holds all the rights and privileges of a bishop (bishop is an office in the Aaronic Priesthood), but lacks the keys to use them. A high priest may act as bishop when authorized by the First Presidency. So, upon a bishop's release, he is simply a high priest and it would be technically incorrect to refer to him as Bishop Smith.

Pray together as a family and make sure that when both of you pray, you are single in the "Thy will be done" part of the prayer, not "my family's will be done, or my ward's will be done" or whatever other wills are present... but, I'm sure you are already doing this. So, just keep doing it and eventually it will lead you to an answer...

Good advice. I concur.

[MarginOfError]

Is the amount of time a man serves as bishop arbitrary or is 5 years standard (and mandatory)?

Background: We are currently living in an area that we never intended on staying in for more than about 3-4 years. It's now been 10 1/2! My husband has a good secure job but this city, even after 10 years doesn't feel like home to me. I really want to move back closer to our extended family. (4 states and 1300 miles away) Half of our children don't recognize their cousins in pictures. They only have one grandmother left and it looks like she'll be spending all of 48 hours with us in June. No other immediate prospects to see her.

We have been job searching for years. My husband is in a rather tight career box and there are very few opportunites in his expertise in what we call our "home" area. About a year ago he was called as bishop. I agreed to support him in his calling as long as he didn't quit looking for jobs back home. I think the most important thing for us is family realtionships and they have suffered by us being 1300 miles away. WE are always the ones to make that journey to see them and I'm getting tired of always being the visitor, always being the one to use our vacation time to go see them rather than going somewhere else fun (like they do). We invite them all to come to see us every year but visits are extremely rare despite our best efforts to entertain, feed and love them. My husband agrees with my feelings about it...sort of. I think he does in principle but not so much in practice. I think he feels like extended family relationships are a bit tiresome. He is much more independent than I am. He likes where he is and what he is doing. We have some friends but they are all rather superficial relationships. It's an area where people come and go a lot - very transient. So maybe we haven't worked all that hard at developing freindships that could take the place of family support.

So now a job opportunity- not a perfect one but a really good one with great benefits and pay, has come up. It's not right in our home town but a 3 1/2 hour drive away ( closer than 23 hour drive or a $400 dollar plane ticket away!!) I'm a bit unsure about the location just because I have never been there but genereally I feel OK about it and about doing my job as a stay at home mom there. He all but has a job offer in hand. But now he is feeling guilty about even considering it. The stake president has told my husband on a couple of occasions that he is the one to be bishop of this ward right now. Pray and pray as I might, I don't get that same confirmation. I think he is doing a good job, we have had some sweet experiences, but I have never felt like he is the only one that can do this job as bishop in this ward right now. If anything I get stronger feelings that it's time to reconnect with our family.

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

The current rule of thumb seems to be five years, but I've known bishops who have served less than a year, and my father was bishop for 8 years. It will depend on the needs of the ward at the time.

As I stated earlier, the family relationships for which you are responsible consists of you, your spouse, and your children. And your children only until they themselves take a spouse. Having said that, I can understand your emotional desire to be with your family. But it is just that - a desire - and not a necessity.

The only part of what you say that gives me pause is that you've long wanted to move away and now that the opportunity presents itself, you get a positive feeling about it. I'm not saying you didn't feel what you think you felt, but I see plenty of reason to be very careful in how you interpret your feelings.

My only advice is that you pray and fast with your husband until you both feel like you're getting the same answer. I tend to find that when both partners get the same answer, then go with that. But when both partners can't get the same answer, it's better not to change the status quo.

[WillowTheWhisp]

Just to throw a small tangent in the works - if a serving Bishop worked for a company which wanted to transfer him to another office hundreds of miles away should he refuse to go because of his calling? What about if his job was on the line if he did not accept the transfer? Would his calling still come first?

[hordak]

Just to throw a small tangent in the works - if a serving Bishop worked for a company which wanted to transfer him to another office hundreds of miles away should he refuse to go because of his calling? What about if his job was on the line if he did not accept the transfer? Would his calling still come first?

I go to a military ward. I would estimate 95% of the members are active duty,families, Our membership changes every year. Our Bishop is retired (so he stays put) but every other calling is filled by someone who will frequently leave, for 6 months to a year at a time, or for good. (other wards in the are have had active duty Bishops). While Bishop could be seen as a more "important" calling, all are supposed to come from the same place, And no one has be counseled to leave their career when orders come down.

[mrmarklin]

Wow, Thanks for the support MrM. (not) I'm brand new to this board. Is this how warm and helpful it always is? You sound very chauvanistic. And by the way- no, it has ALWAYS been about where my husband wants to work and where our kids have done well in school. It has NEVER been about me in 25 years of marriage. EVER!!

AND I will still support him no matter what, but he tends to get complacent (too comfortable) and not stretch and reach out of his comfort zone. I think he is using this bishop thing as an excuse to not have to broaden his horizons.

Ok, I edited it out my last comment because it wasn't very nice. But honestly, are you married? If so, is it ever about her??

Been married for almost 40 years. My wife is visiting her home country even as I write. When she married me, it has always been for her: me. our children and wherever we were at the time. Now that the children are raised, it's about each other.

We've had a good life, and my wife has always followed my career wherever it went, and never whined.

To think being a Bishop is not broadening his horizons is so self centered on your part that it would make me laugh if it were not so tragic.

[john doe]

Let's try to be nice here or the mods will have to take action.

[MarginOfError]

Just to throw a small tangent in the works - if a serving Bishop worked for a company which wanted to transfer him to another office hundreds of miles away should he refuse to go because of his calling? What about if his job was on the line if he did not accept the transfer? Would his calling still come first?

That was my dad, actually. He was called as a bishop. A couple years later got a better job offer in a city two hours away. He'd leave our home on Sunday night to go stay with a member near his work, come back on Wednesday evening for scouts and meetings, go back that same evening, then come home on Friday evening to see the family and go to church. He did that for eight months before finally giving up, moving back, and being unemployed for a year before finding work nearby.

I'd say he's probably the exception to the rule.

I would not say a bishop should put his job on the line in order to put his calling first. I would say a bishop should constantly and prayerfully balance career and calling and make changes in either (or both) as the Spirit directs. In one case, it might mean giving up the calling, in another it might mean giving up the job. But it isn't going to be the same answer in every situation.

[mrmarklin]

Let's try to be nice here or the mods will have to take action.

Is being honest in my opinions not nice????

[Palerider]

Is the amount of time a man serves as bishop arbitrary or is 5 years standard (and mandatory)?

Background: We are currently living in an area that we never intended on staying in for more than about 3-4 years. It's now been 10 1/2! My husband has a good secure job but this city, even after 10 years doesn't feel like home to me. I really want to move back closer to our extended family. (4 states and 1300 miles away) Half of our children don't recognize their cousins in pictures. They only have one grandmother left and it looks like she'll be spending all of 48 hours with us in June. No other immediate prospects to see her.

We have been job searching for years. My husband is in a rather tight career box and there are very few opportunites in his expertise in what we call our "home" area. About a year ago he was called as bishop. I agreed to support him in his calling as long as he didn't quit looking for jobs back home. I think the most important thing for us is family realtionships and they have suffered by us being 1300 miles away. WE are always the ones to make that journey to see them and I'm getting tired of always being the visitor, always being the one to use our vacation time to go see them rather than going somewhere else fun (like they do). We invite them all to come to see us every year but visits are extremely rare despite our best efforts to entertain, feed and love them. My husband agrees with my feelings about it...sort of. I think he does in principle but not so much in practice. I think he feels like extended family relationships are a bit tiresome. He is much more independent than I am. He likes where he is and what he is doing. We have some friends but they are all rather superficial relationships. It's an area where people come and go a lot - very transient. So maybe we haven't worked all that hard at developing freindships that could take the place of family support.

So now a job opportunity- not a perfect one but a really good one with great benefits and pay, has come up. It's not right in our home town but a 3 1/2 hour drive away ( closer than 23 hour drive or a $400 dollar plane ticket away!!) I'm a bit unsure about the location just because I have never been there but genereally I feel OK about it and about doing my job as a stay at home mom there. He all but has a job offer in hand. But now he is feeling guilty about even considering it. The stake president has told my husband on a couple of occasions that he is the one to be bishop of this ward right now. Pray and pray as I might, I don't get that same confirmation. I think he is doing a good job, we have had some sweet experiences, but I have never felt like he is the only one that can do this job as bishop in this ward right now. If anything I get stronger feelings that it's time to reconnect with our family.

So is it just bad form, selfish, lack of faith, putting our eternal salvation in peril to leave a job as bishop after only a year? Do you think extended family relationships trump church callings?

A few years ago I had an interview with Elder Oaks and this is what he said to me....He asked if I knew that a calling as Bishop was for a minimum of 5yrs and that there was no maximum amount of time. I served for over 7yrs. The first time I was called I only served for 3yrs because of a boundary change.

[carlimac]

Thanks Palerider.

Makes me wonder though. I knew a stake president who left his calling after 3 yrs. to take a new job. Tradition has them in there for 10, and bishops in for 5. Our stake president said he thought my husband was to be bishop "right now" but never assigned a time frame to it.

[carlimac]

Is being honest in my opinions not nice????

No. Honesty can be polite and tactful. Your comment was hurtful.

[hordak]

Just to add

President Hunter was called as Prophet for 9 months. The amount of time spend serving doesn't diminish the service.

[Guest]

By which we generally mean wife and children. The notion that we need to put careers and church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family seems, to me, to be a bit of a stretch. (extenuating needs and circumstances excepted)

My family's needs (that is, my husband, my children, and mine) includes a close relationship with my family and my husband's family. But then, I'm Filipino. If my calling or my husband's calling makes it impossible for us to spend time with my family or my husband's family, then it is affecting THE Family (that is, my husband, my children, and myself). I'm not considering the needs of the extended family in this paragraph.

So the phrase "putting careers/church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family" is not quite accurate. It is for the sake of my family (that is, my husband, my children, and myself) if we decide to leave the calling.

So, I can very much relate to what the OP's situation is.

MrM was awful in his delivery, but he does have a point. Being a bishop is not being complacent. The blessings being a Bishop will have in your lives can be countless. So, just so it doesn't make your desires too one sided, just make sure you consider that in the balance.

Edited February 8, 2010 by anatess

[john doe]

Is being honest in my opinions not nice????

You can be honest in your feelings and be nice at the same time.

[nbblood]

Been married for almost 40 years. My wife is visiting her home country even as I write. When she married me, it has always been for her: me. our children and wherever we were at the time. Now that the children are raised, it's about each other.

We've had a good life, and my wife has always followed my career wherever it went, and never whined.

To think being a Bishop is not broadening his horizons is so self centered on your part that it would make me laugh if it were not so tragic.

Sometimes I am appalled at the way we feel we need to express our opinions. This is one of those times. I really try not to be judgmental, so I realize the irony of this post, but I just think we should be able to treat each other with a lot more dignity and respect than this, whether we agree or disagree.

Between this and the BrotherBear post today, I'm quite discouraged at the way we, as a community, sometimes treat each other.

Oh, and I'm not claiming innocence, for the record. I have made posts I wish I hadn't, in retrospect, too. But I just don't think this is in the spirit of church teachings and is demeaning.

There, that's my opinion. For what it's worth.

Edited February 8, 2010 by nbblood

[carlimac]

"Being a bishop is not being complacent. The blessings being a Bishop will have in your lives can be countless. So, just so it doesn't make your desires too one sided, just make sure you consider that in the balance. "

I have considered it. We have lived it for a year. I honestly think I saw more spiritual growth in him before he was called as bishop. That may have been the preparatory humbling that went on. But for the last year it has been one administrative, worthiness or welfare nightmare after another. I have encouraged him and prayed with him and for him, not complained one iota about the extra time he spends in church service. I pick up the slack at home, counsel with him when he want's to talk, give him back rubs when he's stressed. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm being the best bishop's wife I can be. All I can see is that he has been more stressed for the last year. I don't see or feel the spiritual growth in him I thought I would. I wasn't expecting miracles but even an incremental year's worth of growth doesn't seem to be there.

I actually begged him NOT to pursue this job if it wasn't what he wanted to do. I didn't want to get my hopes up. HE was the one who felt he needed to fly out there to check it out. Now they are expressing interest in him, have invited me out to see the area, have offered free lodging and meals while I'm there. The package they are offering is the best we've seen in 6 years. He could have cut off the process at any point but now he's hedging. I wonder if he's just scared of the unknown.

"By which we generally mean wife and children. The notion that we need to put careers and church service on the back burner for the sake of extended family seems, to me, to be a bit of a stretch. (extenuating needs and circumstances excepted)"

Why is this a stretch? Life is about family. We are taught that family is the most important thing, should be our highest priority. Every person's realtionship with extended family is different. I have some friends who relish the fact that they are so far from their families and don't have to get involved in the drama. They want as little contact as possible. I, on the otherhand grew up with cousins, aunts and uncles visiting all the time. They were a joy to us. I grew up loved and secure in that family. It was the same for my husband's family. (So I'm puzzled at why he doesn't care more about those kinds' of relationships.) I wan't my own children to experience that same sense of belonging. My older kids do, having spent many years close to them. But I've had 4 children since we left our home town, 2 since leaving our home state. And they have missed SO much. WE have tried to provide fun experiences for them here. But it breaks my heart to think they will never have those same memories.

Sometimes family ties ARE the most important thing. Crucial and vital for some people. I don't think we can prioritize someone elses values.

[pam]

I think you need to make the decision that you feel is best for you, your husband and for your family. Many people are called to positions only to find out a year or two afterwards that a job is transferring, they are laid off, and have to pursue employment in another area. That's nothing new.

I can also relate to being the family that lived far away from everyone else. As I was growing up it was my family that always had to make the trip to see extended family as we were probably the most financially stable. Not saying we had a lot of money, we didn't, but we seemed to be doing better than most of my extended family. I grew up not really knowing my cousins which I wish I had had the opportunity to do.

Rely on prayer and personal inspiration in making your decision and I sincerely hope everything works out for you no matter what decision you make.

[Guest]

Sometimes family ties ARE the most important thing. Crucial and vital for some people. I don't think we can prioritize someone elses values.

Carli, try that with a family who are scattered all over the globe. My brother is in the Philippines, my sister is in Houston, my husband's brother is in Kentucky, my parents are everywhere (right now, my dad is visiting my brother while my mom is visting my sister), we're in Florida.

I grew up with cousins, even those 4 times removed, living within 10 kilometers. So, drastic change is not even close to describing it for me.

Yes, it is crucial, but it will not detract from your children's memories if they are far from their cousins. Just because I live in Florida doesn't mean my children are not close to their cousins in the Philippines - golly, they even play together in their video games - the wonders of internet-enabled playstations. And, trust me, none of us - not my brother, nor me, are visiting more than once every 5 years or so.

We love to travel - Thanksgiving and New Year's is travel time for us. My kids love it too because they get to see new places and more cousins. When we travel north, we hit every cousin on the way - that includes my dad's cousin, whose children are my cousins twice removed, whose grandchildren are my kids' cousins 3 times removed. When we get together, my kids and their kids get on like they were never apart.

My children have their friends here. They have their ward family. And they have all the extended families on the phone and their games and their emails and their video chats. They have their own memories.

So, it is really more for you than it is for them. So, your statement that you don't understand why your husband don't care more about that part - maybe he does just as much as you. But that he has found a way to keep that going while serving as bishop in your ward. I have found ways to keep our extended families close to us through the distance. It is important to me and my husband, so it has become important to our children.

The thing is, when your children grow up - they will go their own ways too. It will not hurt as much if one of them flies off far from the nest if you have learned that distance is immaterial - this is a lesson my parents and I learned when I flew half-way around the planet.

Edited February 8, 2010 by anatess