Advice for a personal problem

[Chango]

Hello,

Oops I misspelled "advice" silly... ha oh well I can't change it now...Anyhow I am new, and have been doing some reading on this site, so much good information and so many knowledgeable individuals. I am just looking for some advice for a current issue in my life that I suppose I am only willing to try and get via the “anonymity” the internet community offers as I do not feel comfortable talking to anyone I know personally face to face or otherwise about this issue (yet at least….) So warning to any who may read, potentially weird personal problems and/or thoughts here that I am having so I will apologize beforehand.

To cut right to the chase I guess…….About a year ago I confessed to my wife and my bishop about looking at pornography on the internet, and masturbation. However, I have since unfortunately engaged in both of these activities again. I am not an obsessive user/doer, I will go weeks months without but every now and again the right circumstances seem to present themselves and one or the other happens again, ( a sleepless night, fight with or long “dry spell” with the wife, etc.) Nonetheless to be fully forgiven I guess I must go through this same process again? Again confessing to my wife and bishop all of this? (and of course the key part “forsaking” the sin and doing it no more.)

I am recently all the more concerned about this I suppose as I am in a fairly new job and things all of a sudden (as of the last few months) really do not seem to be going well for me (training wise) and I am worried. I am an otherwise faithful church member, I attend meetings, pay a full tithe, live the word of wisdom etc. etc. But I guess my lacking in this one area is enough to nix all else that I am obedient to, and it is hard for me to confess to this yet again now. As if things with my job still do not work out I feel like my family (wife particularly) will just point the finger and say “Well no wonder this job didn’t work out and now we have no income etc.” Yet I feel it may be worth doing as the way things are going for me now, it does not look like I am going to make it through the training. I am also a little perplexed as to why I have made it as far as I have (and felt that I have been able to have help from “above” on occasion) only to be having problems now all of a sudden (or as the case may be lack of blessings or help from the “Big Guy Upstairs” as of lately.)

Anyhow a weird struggle I am going through in my life, (not that that makes me special in any way of course as there are many who have problems and struggle.) I appreciate any and all who may reply to this (and bothered to read this at all.) -

(I fixed the spelling I hope you dont mind; mega spellingmistakemaker Maya the Mod)

Edited March 20, 2010 by Maya
spelling mistake

[Guest mirancs8]

Yes you must confess yet again to your wife and Bishop. Yes you must yet again go through the same process.

So are you saying that these "fights" and "dry spells" are what is triggering you to seek out the pornography? Without getting to personal of course have you discussed this issues with your wife? Try to maybe fix that situation a bit. Is the pornography giving you an escape from the issues in your marriage and work? Do you feel mentally disengaged from your marriage and work yet feel engaged when looking at pornography?

Sorry if I seem to be asking to many questions. My ex viewed pornography a great deal especially towards the end and I sense for some men there are triggers that could pull them in that direction. Just guessing not sure. I know for some its an addiction for other it's to fill a void in their current situation. Masking a real issue maybe?

Are you feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities? Finances? I'm guessing many things can cause someone to go in that direction but being I'm not a man I don't know.

Just put some filters or something on your computer. Password protect your computer so your wife has to log you in. Do whatever it is that you have to do to prove to your wife you are going to do right. The more you hide it the more she won't trust you. My ex changed passwords towards the end like he was changing his underwear... daily!

First you should confess. Own up to what you are doing. You owe that much to your wife.

Edited March 20, 2010 by mirancs8

[Still_Small_Voice]

I suggest you take a look at the below Internet site. They deal with pornography addiction:

Confidential Pornography / Sexual Addiction Treatment System

[Maya]

I think the first really si to get rid of the want of pornography. What you and your wife decide is sexually good for your marriage is up to you two. IMHO

[Just_A_Guy]

You need to get involved in your local LDS-sponsored addiction recovery group. (Others here might argue that you're not technically "addicted", but either way: you have got to get other people involved if you're going to completely get this out of your life.)

Also, get the book Confronting Pornography. Read it, and ask your wife to read it as well.

Repenting of pornography isn't about jumping through a series of hoops every time you slip up; it's about a fundamental shift in the way you view the issue and yourself. Don't try to do it alone. Understand what you're up against, and get your wife and your bishop on board.

(Personal background: I struggled with pornography/masturbation since I was in my early teens. Finally came clean in my late 20s; have been clean for over 2 years now.)

Edited March 20, 2010 by Just_A_Guy

[tubaloth]

I'm not exactly sure why you are posting a question you know the answer to.

You sinned. You know what you did was wrong. You know what you need to do to gain repentance, the reason you know this is because you went through the process. What does worry me, is you seem to be more worried about the blessings you could have, then really what you did what was wrong. You seem to have more remorse over maybe loosing this job, then really the act of sinning. I hope I'm wrong on that.

Really there are two ways you can go about this.

1. You can try to solve all your problems on your own. You probably feel that because its between you and the man upstairs that you shouldn't have to worry about in a way bothering others with your problem. Thus confessing over the internet is easier to some extent. But this path leaves you fighting Satan alone. Something nobody can do!

2. You can turn for support from your wife (who I assume you still love). You can turn to support from your bishop (and stake president). I know they love you, its kind of built into the calling. You can turn to them for guidance and they can help you walk through this problem.

For some reason it seems like you feel like your wife is going to start playing the blame game. That because of something bad that happen it must be your fault because your sinning! I'm not sure if your wife has played this game before, but I'm not sure that is something you should worry about it. We all know you screwed up! The bigger problem is what are you going to do about it? The blame game might be part of it, but I would explain really reason #2. She can either fight it, or help you with it.

The last thing is you feel that even though you have sinned you are still getting blessings, and thus maybe the sin wasn't "that bad. " You can probably rank sins how ever you want. But the truth is the sin changes the course in your life. You now have a choice to either get back on the straight and narrow, or you can keep going down this path. Going down the wrong path still has people smiling, but we both know there isn't any fullness of joy at the end.

I do suggest you look at your motivations. We all make choices for a reason. You are smart enough to realize that when A happens and B happens Its going to lead to C. You also smart enough to realize if A and B never happen then C can't happen. I don't know if you’re a journal writing person (its actually pretty easy on the computer). But analyze why you made the choices you did! (Both good and bad). Then really find out what motivates you to make those choices!

[Chango]

Thank you all for your responses, it has given me much to think about. I am by no means using this board as a way to confess, I know that will involve my wife for sure (as part of the restitution of repentance.) I do not have a firm knowledge and or testimony about going and speaking to the bishop however, where is it written or commanded of us to do this, or how does one know when it is required of him/herself to do so? Can I not be forgiven at all were I to confess to my wife and truly change over time?

I feel very much that this whole process for me in and of itself is not a practical means of solving this problem, but that my problem is a symptom of other issues, and that I will need to do all I can to solve those in order to completely solve this. As was said its not just a matter of "Going through the necessary hoops" to be forgiven, its about really changing and forsaking the behavior.

There is no excuse for myself however, the behavior is wrong no matter how I want to try and justify it, it is the wrong way to go about things and I want to change, I look forward to looking back on this in the future and leaving it behind me. Again thank you for all your thoughts it is good to hear what others think about my situation.

Edited March 23, 2010 by Chango

[GaySaint]

Chango,

I've had my fair share of bishop experiences, some better than others, but always bishops seem to want what is best for you.

My advice? Ask your bishop how much he wants to know how often. Make sure he knows that you are working on things, and that wasn't a "one time" slip up. Then ask him how much detail he wants you to get into with him. Most likely he'll just want to meet with you on occasion to see how you are doing, and to help keep you committed. He most likely won't want to know every single time, date, and place you slipped up - but just ask him. Then you and he can both feel comfortable moving forward with the changes you wish to make in your life.

[LDSVALLEY]

Having had friends come to me years ago for advice with this issue and a friend who used to work with people who you would classify as addicted to this and from what you posted I suggest the following.

Understand it might not fit your circumstance as I don't know it nor am I a professional. Since you are only occasionally stray into this pattern I would suggest the issue is stimulation\control. Our brains require stimulation in our lives to be productive. Doing good work, close relations with wife and children, reading good books, church, prayer, good music, hobbies, food all provide stimulation for mind and body. When things are not going well with several or we don't have them, when we are over tired or our body chemistry is out of balance. If we are not exercising enough they all cause our minds to focus on short term things to give us a "rush" of pleasure and a feeling we have control in our lives.

Porn and masturbation give an illusion of control and the rush of pleasure. If you are not careful your mind will more and more turn to quick pick me ups, your mind will become addicted to the rush and your sub conscious will actively seek these quick fixes which is how people become addicts to this problem.

If you are not engaged in good works, over eating or eating unhealthy, ,not getting enough sleep, worried about work and relationships, not exercising enough. Then you are most likely in this situation. The cure is simple and effective. (do what you must to right things with God and spouse of course as well.) Do more good works, watch what you eat and eat healthy, sleep and exercise. You said work was an issue, look at your situation and see what you can do. Can you talk to your boss about where your training is not taking hold? Spend more time working on it, go slower until you get it etc.

Talk to God and ask his help as well, and your spouse. Hope this helped some.

[Aussie]

this isnt an addiction- anyone with a real addiction will tell you that

dont do it again, and forget about it

[marts1]

The word addiction can be used to describe a habit, but I myself would not use the word addiction when it is a habit with no physical repercussions.

The best tool I can think of to overcome anything is daily scripture study.

[Misshalfway]

Go get the book "Pure Heart, Clean Hands" by Harrison. It's really good and it might give you added help. Going to the bishop will most certainly help with the repentance piece, but its so often that the behavior comes back. But the book addresses why.

Best of luck.

[B0rnAgainLDS]

I had your same frame of mind. My case only got worse and worse and worse until I was ready for suicide. Don't let it go that far. You are addicted. You are in denial. Your bishop/wife may no nothing about addiction. You must come to 12 step meetings. It saved my life. It is saving my marriage and my job. This is a crucial decision. I honestly didn't believe I was addicted. I didn't even know how much I was lying. I am also in professional counselling. I hope you get the help you need. I love you brother. take care.

L

[B0rnAgainLDS]

The word addiction can be used to describe a habit, but I myself would not use the word addiction when it is a habit with no physical repercussions.

The best tool I can think of to overcome anything is daily scripture study.

porn use shrinks critical areas of the limbic system in the brain, damages areas of inhibition and prevents frontal cortex and memory areas of the brain from functioning properly, and all of this shows on MRI. There is a book written by an LDS neurosurgen on the subject. There are dozens of physical repercussions, some obvious, some not.

DeseretBook.com - He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ

Edited March 26, 2010 by B0rnAgainLDS

[marts1]

I don't believe it.

[B0rnAgainLDS]

That's fine. There is plenty of research on the subject in the medical journals. Obviously you aren't in that field. God be with you, brother.

[marts1]

The reason I say that is a self defense mechanism. I'm getting married soon to someone I am highly attracted to and I don't want to end up in that kind of trouble soon after the wedding day.:)....

[B0rnAgainLDS]

well if you have the addiction, no wait, problem...take care of it first. dont get married with it. open up to her and tell her

[marts1]

You've missunderstood me. Long ago I was into that habit and got rid of it when I joined the church.

[Chango]

I had your same frame of mind. My case only got worse and worse and worse until I was ready for suicide. Don't let it go that far. You are addicted. You are in denial. Your bishop/wife may no nothing about addiction. You must come to 12 step meetings. It saved my life. It is saving my marriage and my job. This is a crucial decision. I honestly didn't believe I was addicted. I didn't even know how much I was lying. I am also in professional counselling. I hope you get the help you need. I love you brother. take care.

L

If you don't mid my asking how was it that your job was saved due to your solving this?

[B0rnAgainLDS]

I was doing it at work, but was never caught (yet).

[Aussie]

there is a thread over here worth a glance

LDS Freedom Forum • View topic - Excommunicate the Church

for what its worth, you aren't addicted

you just looked at porn, and even liked it

welcome to the reality of being male

now dont do it again

i dont even know how it requires confessing or priesthood intervention. if it does then every guy out there who ever had an impure thought better line up too

just dont do it again

[Aussie]

You are addicted. You are in denial. Your bishop/wife may no nothing about addiction. You must come to 12 step meetings. It saved my life. It is saving my marriage and my job. This is a crucial decision. I honestly didn't believe I was addicted. I didn't even know how much I was lying. I am also in professional counselling. I hope you get the help you need. I love you brother. take care.

L

B A L i respect your journey and wish you the best.

but may i add that suggesting to a guy who occasionally presses the wrong button and has a look that he is addicted demonstrates a misunderstanding of what an addiction really is?

it seems like this guy is well in control of it, just makes a bad decision now and then.

he doesnt need intervention or rehabilitation, i dont even think it needs priesthood intervention, just encouragement to find ways to pass it over, and personal repentance when occurs.

ive seen addiction, i've seen lying, destroyed marriages, adultery etc. this is not that. looking at porn every now and then, no, its wrong, its a sin, its not acceptable i agree, but lets become better people, not slaves to diagnoses that aren't necessary

[B0rnAgainLDS]

Thank you Aussie. Sorry I just kind of blurt things out without references or a bibliography. Some of the statements I have made are an extremely short summary of the in-depth reading I have done. I will agree to disagree with you what is an addiction and what is not. If you read more on it, you will realize what my point of view is.

My pattern matches this brother who started the thread. He hasn't progressed as far as I did. I don't wish that on anyone. It is just so unfortunate how many subtle lies Satan tells us that have 50, 70, even 90% truth in them, but they are still lies.

I believe porn use requires confession to priesthood authority. I think any bishop or stake president would agree. Every time there is a general conference talk on it, they always encourage us to "go to your bishop."

It was asked why the bretheren didn't add a question to the temple recommend interview that specifically addresses porn. The answer was that there are at least FIVE questions, that if answered truthfully, would prompt a confession of even the casual use of pornography (a ficticious thing, IMO).

Here is a good article on "is it really an addiction?"

[Aussie]

bro pERHAPS YOU meaN to say act now before it becomes an addiction

find a way to stop the process, regardless of how rare an occurance

interesting isn't it. 2 instances where adultery/ morality took place- David (stayed king) Corianton son of helamen (dont do it any more) Woman taken in adultery (dont do it again)

dont even get me started on early church history and polygamy.

i agree- prolongued exposure and being a slave to it will damage

occasional, i meanreallly aoccasional, im not sure