Dating Standards

[johnnylingo]

I want to get married. And for a woman in a YSA ward, there is a lot of pressure to do this before you reach 30.

So how do you reconcile the church's advice (basically, date anything that breathes and holds a temple recommend), versus the world's advice (look for someone rich, and educated, and charismatic, and good looking)? What's the difference between being superficial with overly high expectations, and being desperate and pathetic? If you like somebody, and they are a 'good' member, should that be enough? Or is it important that you be equals in terms money, education, looks, etc.?

[FunkyTown]

You ask a good question. I asked a very similar question of my Patriarch and was given this advice:

"Don't marry someone you could live with for eternity. Choose someone you can't live eternity without."

You'll find the right person. :)

[JudoMinja]

Lol. I like the way you put that, johnnylingo. "Date anything that breathes and holds a temple recommend"

I kind of agree with that statement though- yes. Date anything that breathes and holds a temple recommend (and is of the opposite gender of course). That doesn't mean you have to marry the same. Dating helps you get to know others you may not have, to compare people, quirks, personalities, characteristics, etc. The more people you date, the more you'll have to compare, and the better you'll be able to determine what you're really looking for. It will be easier to determine what standards to set for the man you want to marry, when you've dated many people because it will become more clear what standards are just rediculous and which are perfectly reasonable expectations.

I know it comes from a general authority, but I don't really agree that ANY two temple worthy members can make a happy marriage together. You should not marry just because they have a recommend and you like them. Find someone you can see yourself growing to love, spending eternity with- someone you feel comfortable doing all the things you like to do with and just sitting around doing nothing with.

I think too many jump into marriage too quickly. Carefully look at the men you date, and carefully make a choice. You may marry before thirty- you may not. Don't feel pressured to be married by a certain age. As long as you are honestly seeking out marriage, setting reasonable standards and expectations for a potential spouse, and doing your best to be a good spouse yourself, it doesn't matter how long it takes you to find marriage.

[Dravin]

I kind of agree with that statement though- yes. Date anything that breathes and holds a temple recommend (and is of the opposite gender of course). That doesn't mean you have to marry the same.

This. A date is not a commitment.

[WmLee]

I married a lady that made me want to be a better man, a better priesthood holder. I married a woman who, at that time I knew could be my best friend. And, I married the woman I would never want to disappoint, because I respected her.

[johnnylingo]

To be really honest, I asked this question because I'm worried about dating people my family, friends, and co-workers will think are beneath me. I'd like to follow my own advice- but it's hard when I want them to approve of the person I'm seeing. It's also my own superfical self- I don't want to date just anyone because I judge other people based on who they're with. After I saw a man in my ward date a few girls who I felt were less conventionally attractive, it devalued him just a tiny bit in my eyes, and I don't want the same to happen to me. I know this is shallow and it shouldn't matter- but it seems the alternative is "date everything that breathes and holds a temple recommend."

[Moksha]

... After I saw a man in my ward date a few girls who I felt were less conventionally attractive, it devalued him just a tiny bit in my eyes,...

You know, sometimes we have to grab some values by the tail and beat the snot out of them until they behave. You might consider that here.

I have always liked the Hindu concept of mudita, that is, happiness for the joy of others. My guess is that fellow liked dating and found it to be rewarding. Somehow he has freed himself from the need to value these women by appearance alone. Good for him. To hold him in lower esteem because of his actions seems limiting to you, since you are then a hostage of worrying if such dating will lower your esteem in the eyes of others. Think how much better it would make us if we experienced the mudita in his actions, rather than petty revulsion.

[mrmarklin]

Best advice I've ever heard is that you should BE the person you expect to marry in character, values and integrity. Character counts, don't settle for less.

The North American idea of dating is to filter people by getting to know their character and values. In most cultures worldwide this is done by relatives and many marraiges are "arranged". I know two women who went through the Arrangement process and they are happily married today because concerned family and friends did this process for them.

[Landy77]

There is a difference between "dating" and "Courting". Dating is basically you go one dates and try to impress each other enough to get additional dates. Courting is when from the beginning you agree to get to know each other with the understanding of a marriage in the future. Dating can leave serious emotional scars and in many cases no intent on marriage. Speak to your bishop about the difference and see if he can give you guidance.

[JudoMinja]

The April New Era was a special issue strictly on dating. It has a lot of good advice and information in it too.

[ZSEdwardson]

Not saying that Wealth, looks, and so on are not important. I always told my sister that the key thing is that her husband love her, and after a few toads, she dated and married a wonderful guy.

Us LDS folks (I am the sole LDS member of my family) have the added thing of looking for Temple recommended folks. Of course, my problem is that I am the nice guy who girls want to be friends with, not date, curse of being a nice guy. Such is life.

anyways, I don't have a temple recommend as I am only a member since January, but I think i will brave the stake YSA meeting to see what is happening. As if there was not enough pressure, LDS puts a extra load on you in the dating realm.

My advise for a single mormon girl is that the man be a good mormon, love her, have the ability to carry out husbandly duty (Would say a real job, but with the economy, there is a lot of hard working people without work, so you cannot use that as a litmus test.) and have some sort of attraction too.

Now, if she can find a six foot 2, good looking Returning Missionary who happens to be the heir to the So-and-so Oil fortune, and is nuts about her. Well, by all means date him.

However, I have seen at least at the local level that there seems to be more worthy females then males. Hopefully they can fix the problem...

....right after I get married and sealed.

[riverogue]

"Courting is when from the beginning you agree to get to know each other with the understanding of a marriage in the future."

The way this person put it sounds kind of uncomfortable to me. My interpretation: That's like being engaged from day one. I don't think that is the way to go. You dont know someone enough to decide whether you should even want to be married to him/her until you know them very well. This can take years. And from my experiance dont write someone off to be a worthy marriage partner just because of their position in the church, even if they are a bishop or general authority, i know this from being sexually abused by a stake relief society president who was my own grandmother.

Edited March 31, 2010 by riverogue

[MisterT]

I think that the younger you are, the easier it is to date. There are more available partners.

I agree that a position in the church doesn't mean that person is of good moral character. I personally know of a Stake President who sexually abused one of my sisters. And if I ever catch the SOB in a dark alley, well, I'll likely be excommunicated for what I'd do.

While a Temple Recommend speaks a little to the character of the individual, I also know plenty of members who'll go drinking and carousing on Friday, but will show up to the Ward Temple Night on Saturday.

I think it ultimatly comes down to personal revelation about the person whom you're dating; if you get anything other than a burning in the bosom, so to speak, after praying about them, get away as soon as possible. Appearances are quite often deceptive.

[Dravin]

"Courting is when from the beginning you agree to get to know each other with the understanding of a marriage in the future."

The way this person put it sounds kind of uncomfortable to me. My interpretation: That's like being engaged from day one.

My interpretation of that is: Vetting each other (with a mutual understanding that such is what you are doing) as potential marriage partners from day one.

Unlike an engagement there is no commitment, nor any expressed explicit desire to marry that person. It's kinda like the difference between window shopping and going into the store and talking to a salesperson with the intent of finding a toaster. (A horribly simplified analogy)