I feel like I deserve to know...

[Torn]

I recently committed adultery, went to my bishop, everything is on the up and up with repentence issues, etc. There's just one thing that I can't get over, and that is the person I was involved with. He is married, three kids, and enrolled at a local LDS university. When I went to my bishop, I was required to give his name and what ward he lived in, his bishop was informed and he was called in. What happened from here on out, I have no idea.

I did find out today (I had suspected all along, tho), through his sister with whom I am good friends with (tho if she knows anything went on, she isn't saying) that he is still attending the LDS university. Granted, there is only one week of school left, but it's been almost a month since I went to my bishop, since he was supposedly called in, and now I have all sorts of questions. Did he get away with this? Does his wife even know what happened? How could he be allowed to finish out the semester if he came clean?

My bishop told me I should send them a letter of apology, and I did. They will get it today and I pray his wife gets to read it. She deserves to know if she doesn't already. I'm going through hell and back with my own marriage, with my repentence, etc. and the constant wonder of whether or not he talked his way out of this has me SO bothered, and my dh as well. He instigated the affair. He encouraged it. For five months, he manipulated me and lied to me constantly. My biggest mistake was falling for it.

I don't know what the "rules" are. I don't know if my bishop has been told anything regarding what happened to him. He's not even in our stake. I know they can't "tell" me anything, but I feel like I deserve to know that things are being taken care of. Is this something I can ask my bishop to check on? If my bishop were to be told that he lied to his bishop and said it was nothing, can my bishop even say anything???

I feel SO bad for his wife, for his kids. I also know I need to quit worrying about it and remember that I've done my part and I can't be responsible for his repentence. And, until I stop worrying, I will never be able to get back where I need to be in the repentence process. I'm praying harder than I ever have to get past this one issue holding me back, but it just won't leave me. Satan just won't let it alone!!!

Also... one last question regarding the disciplinary council. Mine included the bishop and his two counselors and clerk. I won't go into details as to what happened, etc., but this was based on the nature of what happened and the fact that I am a female, and my "sentencing" so to speak. I was told that as a melchezedik endowed preisthood holder, "he" would be sent straight to the SP, end of discussion. My brother in law just happens to be on the disciplinary council for his stake. Are all parties involved in the disciplinary end of things informed of the names of those all involved like in mine? I know that nothing will go further than my BIL... but I will always wonder if he knows, kwim? Again... how would I ever know?

[MisterT]

Since it went on for so long, and he was the instigator, I'm going to go out on a limb and say this isn't the first time for him.

I'm not sure why your Bishop would have you send a letter to his family; there's nothing good that can come of hurting his wife and/or children. Dr. Laura Schlusinger routinely tells people not to involve 3rd parties into situations like that, unless its inevidible that they'll find out otherwise, as only pain will be the end result.

Your Bishop will not know what's happened with that guy and his Bishop; both the law and church ecclesiastical law prevent the other guys Bishop from reporting to anyone other than his superior; which is known as the "Veil of the Confessional."

I don't know what procedure is standard, if any, for a situation like this. I take it you're not married, so while it was a very bad thing indeed, it was not nearly as severe as his sin.

[Guest Godless]

There's no polite way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. You need to stop worrying about his end of the situation and focus on your own. You need to work with your husband and bishop to get past this. The other guy made his own decisions and he'll have to face the consequences sooner or later. The best way for you to move forward is to forget about him, completely. Push him out of your thoughts and out of your life. Stop dwelling on him and his status with the Church. That's between him and his bishop. You have your own healing process to work through, and that's what you should be focused on.

[pam]

Couldn't have said it better myself Godless. Awesome post.

[WindRiver]

Godless.....your comments are exactly what I was formulating in my mind as I read the original post..........well said.

[pam]

I'm not sure why your Bishop would have you send a letter to his family

Some Bishops may feel that is part of the repentence process..to apologize to those that you have wronged. I don't think it's that unusual. I have a friend that it was asked to do the exact same thing many years ago.

[justaname]

Good for you in coming clean! I hope things work out for you in your marriage and things get better for you and your husband.

I havent been in your shoes, so I dont know how you are 'supposed' to feel. You can totally toss my words out the window if you want. Im not entirely sure why you are so concerned about what happens or happened to him. Im thinking that if I were you, or your husband, I would want all thoughts of him or about him to just go away. The more you think about him and his situation, it seems like getting over the whole thing would be more difficult.

I guess more than anything, your comment about "getting away with it" was particularly interesting to me. I dont mean to be patronizing, but no one gets away with this stuff. Im sure you know that already. You either repent, or you dont. Finishing school doesnt necessarily mean he got away with it, and even if he talked with his bishop doesnt really mean he has repented. I think far too often people feel that talking with the bishop is the have all end all of repentance.

Lets say he never talks with the bish or with the SP. He goes on to get a degree, makes a ton of money and his wife is more than happy in her ignorant bliss. Would you feel like he "got away with it"? What do you want to see happen? Do you want him to lose out on school, get divorced, be poor and have his kids hate him forever? I know that is extreme, but it sounds like you want a little bit of vengeance or bad karma to find him. I hope you would want him to repent, get square with the Lord, and receive his wife's forgiveness. I hope you are praying for him and his family just as much as you are for your own. Remember how Enos prayed for others?

Best of luck to you and to him. I hope you both find peace and forgiveness.

[MisterT]

Some Bishops may feel that is part of the repentence process..to apologize to those that you have wronged. I don't think it's that unusual. I have a friend that it was asked to do the exact same thing many years ago.

My thought is that a letter informing a spouse that doesn't already know and is not likely to find out is doing her no good; it'll only hurt her, and by proxy, the children.

Dr. Schlusinger talks about things like that all the time; her position is that if only pain will be caused to an innocent third party, it is cruel to do it.

Like I said, I don't know any of the specifics, and I think that all disciplinary councils are done differently, so what's the norm for one Bishop very well could be alien to another.

All I have to go on is my own personal experience with confessing bad things to my Bishops over the years.

[pam]

Dr. Laura also doesn't know all the specifics in this particular situation nor does she have the gift of discernment (if used correctly) that a Bishop might have to know what to have any of the parties involved do.

[MisterT]

No, she doesn't know the specifics, and neither do we; which was why I was speculating and asking why it was required in this instance.

Regardless, I stand by my position that if an innocent third party that would not otherwise known would be hurt by such a thing, my opinion is that it would be wrong to tell them.

[pam]

I would agree with your statement. I'm not trying to be argumentative in this. Far from it. I just get tired sometimes when people start posting "Well Dr. Laura states this." Not just this thread but so many others.

As the OP stated..she doesn't know if the wife in the other party knows about it. Perhaps she does. Perhaps the two Bishops have talked. Perhaps that's why the Bishop recommended the letter. We just don't know. On that we also agree.

[MisterT]

I wasn't trying to argue; quite the contrary. I feel I wasn't as concise as I should have been and was trying to narrow down what I meant.

I really don't like Dr. Laura; I think she's quite nasty most of the time. But I do agree with her position a good portion of the time.

[justaname]

Dr. Laura. . .oh dear. What an awful woman. She hears 90 seconds of someone's predicament and thinks she knows what is best for them. She makes me sick. . . even if I feel she gets it right sometimes.

[john doe]

. I also know I need to quit worrying about it and remember that I've done my part and I can't be responsible for his repentence. And, until I stop worrying, I will never be able to get back where I need to be in the repentence process. I'm praying harder than I ever have to get past this one issue holding me back, but it just won't leave me. Satan just won't let it alone!!!

I think you know the answer. You wrote it in your OP. What happens to him is really none of your business and you should have no contact with anybody to attempt to find out. The proper people have been notified and what happens after that is really out of your hands. Complete your repentance and get on with your life.

[Torn]

Okay, so awhile back, I asked a hypothetical, what if you knew someone was cheating on their spouse, does the spouse deserve to know or do you just leave it alone? Well, of COURSE she deserves to know! I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already had. I have no idea if she knows. I doubt I will ever know if she knows what happened between us. In talking to my bishop about this, and trust me, the required writing of the letter surprised me more than anything, because as a wife, I'm not sure I would want to hear from the person my husband cheated with, but I told my bishop I was sick with wonder if she would ever forgive me for what I'd done. He read me the scripture in D&C about how she was required to forgive me, and I will never know if she has, and that's OKAY, but I still felt like I needed to tell her I was sorry before she could truly forgive me. So I did.

And as for him, you know, I want him to finish school, I want him to be successful and happy. I want nothing but good for him, I really do. I know it's spiteful of me to think of him not getting his just reward, because I know he will get it in the next life if not now. I'm thinking of his wife, who may or may not have any idea, his children, who are going to lose their father in the next life, of his baby that HE might be blessing in the next month who is not getting a blessing he deserves by someone who is worthy to give it. Do they deserve this? I read in a book I've been reading how a moment of earthly pain is nothing compared to the eternal pain you will suffer by not repenting.

I know I shouldn't be concerned about him and his eternal salvation, but I am, just as I would be if he were a dear friend, a family member, or even my spouse. I know many things about him that his wife doesn't know, about his past, etc., things he's never confessed. I'm so sad for him and what he's done to himself and his family. I am focusing a LOT on myself, and focusing on what lies ahead, not what I left behind. And right now, I'm praying hard that I will be able to stop caring about what happens to him. Because I know, it doesn't matter... I know that with all my heart....

[Tarnished]

I had to go through this as well. At first it was an almost unsuppressible need to know how he was doing, how his wife was doing, what was going on with them, whether she knew or not. I am pretty sure that he never told her, and my bishop didn't ask me to write an apology to them. It was difficult to get past this part. It was difficult to let my worries for him go. And as I have mentioned to you before, as things went on my worries for him became anger against him as I began to see how he had manipulated me to do things that I was not comfortable with at the time. And that anger was very difficult to let go of. But in the end I prayed hard to forget him, to forgive him and forget him, to the point where I could not remember what he looked like or even his name. I still remember him, and his name, but I am beginning to forget and I have finally been able to forgive.

When I dealt with it I began to look at it as a sort of strength training, I would focus my days on being so busy and full of things that I didn't have a chance to think about him. I purposely kept my thoughts away from him. Eventually it got easier and easier, until weeks had gone by without me thinking once about him. Pray for help. Pray that God will help you let go of your worry and help you let go of your thoughts of him. God will help you, it just takes time.

[MisterT]

Okay, so awhile back, I asked a hypothetical, what if you knew someone was cheating on their spouse, does the spouse deserve to know or do you just leave it alone? Well, of COURSE she deserves to know!

Does she deserve to know? Yes. But is it more harmful to her emotionally and spiritually to be told if she wouldn't have found out otherwise?

I think it is. I couldn't care less what happens to him; emotionally, spiritually, physically. I only care about the one who was completely innocent in this situation.

But from what you've written, I'm of the opinion that this isn't the first time he's done this; or if he hasn't acted out on it before you, he definately thought about it. Lying is a skill that takes time to master; it just doesn't come to you one day like filling up a cup of pop at the gas station.

because as a wife, I'm not sure I would want to hear from the person my husband cheated with,

I hate to be the one to beat the drum here, but this is something you should have thought about before you did what you did.

Imagine the horrible anguish your husband is going through right now. I can't even imagine his pain and suffering.

Had my ex-wife cheated on me (and I have the suspicion that she was - just no proof), I would never be able to look her in the eye again; certainly never have a meal with her, and posititively never have marital relations again.

...He read me the scripture in D&C about how she was required to forgive me, and I will never know if she has, and that's OKAY, but I still felt like I needed to tell her I was sorry before she could truly forgive me. So I did.

She doesn't even know you; she'll forgive you sooner or later, probably after he does it again (if it was his first time) and she realizes that is the character of the man she married. Some women learn to accept their spouses infidelities and ignore them; others blame themselves for it. Some leave and some don't.

And as for him, you know, I want him to finish school, I want him to be successful and happy. I want nothing but good for him, I really do.

It sounds to me like you still have a great number of feelings for him; you should seek professional counseling.

... I know many things about him that his wife doesn't know, about his past, etc., things he's never confessed...

It really sounds to me like he's got serious mental problems.

I'll pray for the both of you; but more than that, I'll pray for your husband, his wife, and their children. They are the innocent parties here that were hurt by your and his infidelity and they deserve any and all support that the church and its members can send their way.

-Ryan

[Bini]

Some Bishops may feel that is part of the repentence process..to apologize to those that you have wronged. I don't think it's that unusual. I have a friend that it was asked to do the exact same thing many years ago.

You're right. It isn't that unusual.

My ex-husband was required by our bishop to apologise to three of the women he had affairs with. I wasn't stirred by this BUT if it were the other way around and I was a spouse of one of those he had an affair with—I wouldn't want him contacting my wife at all. I'd just want him to leave us alone so we could work on our marriage without him being in the picture.

[WmLee]

CC ~ you’ve done good! Sorry you are in this mess and sorry you have to go through the pain, but I’m glad you’re heading in the right direction.

It’s not unusual for one or both parties to write a letter of apology to the other. In some cases I think this is a good call.

This guy will be called to his Bishop and then to the Stake President. From there the Stake President will schedule a Disciplinary Council with the presidency ad the High Council. They may hear your name, but it is not necessary. I have been in council where we were told only that the man had an affair and we’ve been told that the guy had an affair with an endowed member. That makes a big difference. Also, any positions he might have held and if he had served a mission would be important. But your ID is not.

Scheduling a council date can take a month or so. That is normal. He will be meeting with the SP up until that time. Often the wife is there as well.

I only share this so you know that the administration of the church does not look lightly on this. I don’t see how his bishop could let this pass by or swept under the rug. Especially when it comes from another member who is going through the repentance step!

Now, focus on you and your family and let it go! You’re not the first. I remember Joseph Smith writing about this problem back then!

[Roseslipper]

I will put my 2cents in here, I agree with the others you need to stop worrying about him, and what might or might not happen to him, stop worrying about if he truely repents or not....thats up to him not you. YOU need to just worry about you and repent and pray and build on building up your marriage and making it even better then it ever was before. With God all things are possible...Good luck sister

[rameumptom]

The spouse deserves to know. It is best for the spouse to learn it from the cheating husband/wife or from the bishop. That said, the truth must come out. Yes, it hurts terribly to find out from a letter that cheating has occurred. But in the long run that is better than never finding out that one's relationship has been built on lies and infidelity. Dr Laura focuses on mortal experience, we're looking at eternal things. Her marriage is only till death do they part, while ours are usually for eternity. Does anyone want to be with a person for eternity that has never divulged such a terrible action? I don't think so.

[Wisc]

There's no polite way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. You need to stop worrying about his end of the situation and focus on your own. You need to work with your husband and bishop to get past this. The other guy made his own decisions and he'll have to face the consequences sooner or later. The best way for you to move forward is to forget about him, completely. Push him out of your thoughts and out of your life. Stop dwelling on him and his status with the Church. That's between him and his bishop. You have your own healing process to work through, and that's what you should be focused on.

I will add to this one thing. Your feelings of concern about his wife/children is valid. Having said that KNOW that the Lord also has their intersts in mind and WILL provide comfort and an oportunity for healing to them. WITHOUT YOUR INVOLEMENT

I love you fellow poster. The Lord loves you. And He loves them too. Now go work on your own life with the Lord and I promise you will find peace again