Newly sealed and have a few questions

[ajr6405]

My name is Amy. I have 2 kids and have been married to my husband for almost 5 yrs. We recently got sealed in the temple,to each-other and to our children. I was the greatest day of my life-by far.

We've discussed pornography and stuff like that many times and ive made it clear [so i thought] that i dislike it GREATLY. In our temple classes it was brought up and discussed as well. Ive always been taught that its just as bad as fornication. Today i went to sign into my email account and my husbands was open instead of mine. in his inbox was a ton of messages from a dating site that he apprently signed up for and a porn site he signed up for. Im lost at what to do. Im hurt more than i am angry but i am both. I dont think signing up for either is temple worthy actions and i know if i bring it up to him all he will do is be angry that i "snooped" even though i didnt. It was just there,open for everyone to see. Am i wrong to feel hurt by this? Should i just ignore it?

please help. any advice would be great!

[must_be_alice]

firstly, can you be sure it wasn't spam mail?

secondly, can you be sure it wasn't email notifications from before he had stopped doing those things?

lastly, just talk to him, tell him what happened, you were getting online and his email was open, you saw the two things, and ask him what he knows about them, then let him say whatever it is he needs to say and go from there, he could be struggling with a problem, or it could be nothing at all, you should be understanding if he is struggling and wants to overcome it. If he gets upset, explain to him that yes it did hurt you but you love him and just want to work through this, tell him, you know he loves you and if he has a problem he can ask you to help him, because you will, you love him. Let him know you are there for him and ask if there is anything he wants to discuss with you. Ask him if he wants to pray with you to help him overcome his temptations.

If he has decided to just act in a selfish way and not care about what you previously discussed, express to him your disappointment, anger, and hurt feelings in a calm and quiet voice. Try to talk things through.

[marshac]

As someone with an email account, I will say that I get email from both 'services' which sure to look legit- they will say stuff like "you have two new messages!" or "somegal looked at your profile".... it's just spam trying to get me to think "really? I don't remember signing up for this site, but if I have messages from some classy ladies, I should check them out!"... my wife gets email for viagra... i'm pretty sure she's not ordering it, but who knows what she slips into the mashed potatoes....supposedly butter and half-and-half....

This could be what you're seeing... hopefully...

You should ask him about it either way- what you've seen can't be 'unseen', and it's going to gnaw at your spirit and wear down your marriage until you get the answer. Personally, I don't care if my wife sees my email (it's all boring), and your husband shouldn't either- the only reason to be upset over a perfectly innocent act would be if there is something to hide or be ashamed about.

[mormonwifey]

I have never went on a dating site and some how I get emails from a few.I think it happens by signing up for games and stuff like that.Be sure first.But if he is doing that,maybe ask him about going to couseling

[lizzy12]

I also get Viagra messages...one or two a day :/

[Daniel2020]

First, pornography is sinful and evil. But it is no where near as sinful and evil as either fornication or adultery. (Adultery is the sin a married person commits by breaking his/her vow of chastity.)

Second, as others have pointed out, are you sure this isn't spam? Or something out of a repentant past? More importantly, are you sure your husband is actually reading/viewing this stuff? (I said reading/viewing, not clicking on e-mails without knowing what they really contain. I think we're all deceived on occasion about the true content of an e-mail.)

For what it is worth, periodically I receive spam for all sorts of things including pornography and dating services. I don't know why as I've never belonged to a dating service nor do I patronize pornographic websites.

Edited May 18, 2010 by Daniel2020

[marshac]

First, pornography is sinful and evil. But it is no where near as sinful and evil as either fornication or adultery.

Mat 5:28

And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.

One could argue that they are on similar levels. Additionally, they're not entirely separate as you make them out to be- the former can induce one to commit the latter.

[baver3]

Lets just say he DID sign up.

I am so sorry. My heart would be broken too but you need to get up the nerve to talk to him. Dont assume ANYTHING. Let him tell YOU! This may be a long road you are about to be on. That doesnt mean you have to love your husband any less but I know you are hurting. (I have suffered this same thing)

I would ask your husband to show you (if he denies it) that it wasnt him that signed up and that it is just spam. You seriously need to have these suspiciouns put out. You need to get your faith in your spouse back. I know that even though your husband may tell you nothing is going on, now you are going to be on your guard. I dont care what anyone says, it really does break your confidence and trust in your spouse. You will always wonder and now may feel like you want to 'check his email' and 'snoop' to find out if he was telling the truth. These are natural feelings.

That is why you have GOT to get to the bottom of this. Remember and know that porn is NOT about you. Its hard not to take it personally. I am sure your husband loves you to pieces. Porn is not about rejecting you. Maybe you should, in the meantime, educate yourself on this addiciton and find out how you can be a supportive wife and understand a little bit better why people who view porn have this porblem. You asked if you should ignore this: the answer is NO.

I wish you the best.

[bl8tant]

My name is Amy. I have 2 kids and have been married to my husband for almost 5 yrs. We recently got sealed in the temple,to each-other and to our children. I was the greatest day of my life-by far.

We've discussed pornography and stuff like that many times and ive made it clear [so i thought] that i dislike it GREATLY. In our temple classes it was brought up and discussed as well. Ive always been taught that its just as bad as fornication. Today i went to sign into my email account and my husbands was open instead of mine. in his inbox was a ton of messages from a dating site that he apprently signed up for and a porn site he signed up for. Im lost at what to do. Im hurt more than i am angry but i am both. I dont think signing up for either is temple worthy actions and i know if i bring it up to him all he will do is be angry that i "snooped" even though i didnt. It was just there,open for everyone to see. Am i wrong to feel hurt by this? Should i just ignore it?

Amy, don't ignore it by any means. Porn can be just as addictive as drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes, and a little exposure can lead to a full-blown addiction.

Your husband's e-mail may very well be the result of an addiction that took root before you ever met. Also, everyone who said that this may just be spam is right too. Some of the spam I get would make a sailor blush!

The key is for you to talk to him honestly and to encourage him to be honest in return. If he fears your anger, or you his, that will just make it harder to work on the real underlying issues.

Good luck-- this can be a hard problem to crack but all things are possible with God.

[ADoyle90815]

Porn can be just as addictive as alcohol and other substances, so you do have a right to be concerned, especially if there is a family history of alcoholism or other addiction. Even families who have been LDS for generations might have a genetic tendency for addiction, as there might have been ancestors who were alcoholics. I divorced my ex-husband because not only was he abusive, he was also addicted to sex, and porn was just a symptom of his addiction. I have no proof of adultery, but I did make sure to get tested for every STD just in case there was, but every test was negative.

[Nikkie85]

Does this sound like something your husband would do? I would talk to him in a calm even manner and get his side of the story. It could be innocent if it is not then you should take further action. Since you haven't even asked him yet but seem to think he could be looking at porn it kinda seems like you might of expected something. I know if I opened up my hubbys email account and saw a dating site or porn I would be shocked and my first thought would be that it is a mistake.

[Hemidakota]

My name is Amy. I have 2 kids and have been married to my husband for almost 5 yrs. We recently got sealed in the temple,to each-other and to our children. I was the greatest day of my life-by far.

We've discussed pornography and stuff like that many times and ive made it clear [so i thought] that i dislike it GREATLY. In our temple classes it was brought up and discussed as well. Ive always been taught that its just as bad as fornication. Today i went to sign into my email account and my husbands was open instead of mine. in his inbox was a ton of messages from a dating site that he apprently signed up for and a porn site he signed up for. Im lost at what to do. Im hurt more than i am angry but i am both. I dont think signing up for either is temple worthy actions and i know if i bring it up to him all he will do is be angry that i "snooped" even though i didnt. It was just there,open for everyone to see. Am i wrong to feel hurt by this? Should i just ignore it?

please help. any advice would be great!

Seriously! You need to talk to your Bishop.

Eventually, you need to confront him.

[addicthelp]

Porn becomes just as addictive as any substance. I know many good men and women who have become ensnared by pornography. It is ok to feel hurt...that is a normal reaction. NO...you should not ignore it either.

Most addicts will lie and be secretive about their addictions. Most will deny they have a problem. This secrecy and denial is the very nature of addiction. They generally feel ashamed and scared...they know the effects of their choices will eventually bring pain to them and others. The best thing someone can do for an addict is be genuinely willing to support and help them through a recovery process. Feeling anger and frustration are very real and valid emotions, however, making that anger and frustration the point of attack will send the addiction into deeper hiding and denial.

Anyone with an addicted loved one or spouse has the best chance of success by being willing to support and help them through the process of healing and recovery. Not always easy but usually very effective. If the loved one goes on and on and never wants help or to change, that is another issue completely.

[JThimm88]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but have you looked at the church's new website to combat against pornography? I myself haven't looked at it (because from what I know of nobody in this household looks at it, thankfully!), but the church is there to help people with these sorts of situations. Maybe take a look at it to see if there is any advice on how to even bring the matter up to your husband?

Hope everything works out and that it was just spam.

[Laureltree]

Sent you a message in your inbox, hope it helps :) Your in our prayers

[Vanhin]

Seriously, you need to just talk to your husband about it in private. Decide together on what to do from there.

If this is a problem that he really has (not just spam), then encourage him to go with you to talk to the bishop in order to start the repentance process at the very least.

Regards,

Vanhin