Feeling lost

[JanP]

I am feeling so hurt. My parents, and siblings have abused, and abandoned me. My grown children are angry with me. My husband is distant and more of a part-time roommate than anything. I have had chronic depression all my life and major depression issues all my life also. I feel that there is no one on this earth who loves me and I have no close ties with deceased people. I also have chronic fatigue.

I am active in the church, temple worthy (tho I have been too depressed to go and get a temple recommend) and love Heavenly Father. Tho it seems hard to hear him. My fault not His.

My husband has moved us far away from his loving relatives. He is my biggest upset right now. He is a very quiet man and hasn't hugged, kissed or given me any affection or compliments for at least 10 years. He won't be sealed to me in the temple and although he goes to church, he isn't passionate about it and won't pray, read scriptures or do anything else church wise. He very much isolates himself from me and loves to be a loner.

I need to go and see a therapist but the only LDS one is 40 minutes away. Which is no excuse but I struggle with going. I truly fear dying - I think there will be no one in heaven that wants to be with me. I wish I could understand why Heavenly Father gave me these challenges. I wish I knew what personality I really am. I feel like I don't have any talents or gifts. Most of this has been going on for 50 years. Been married 2nd time for 20.

I am on antidepressants and the super sadness is gone, but I still feel tired, and sad.

I'm not sure that life will be any better in the next life. And I don't know what to do to feel uplifted.

YES, I have reached out to others in service and tried to fulfill my callings.

Just feeling abandoned.

Edited September 6, 2010 by JanP
frustrated

[FunkyTown]

You are in a bad state, but it's good that you're on anti-depressants. That's the good news.

The bad news is that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. If you want things to change, then you have to change.

Get counselling. Take up rock climbing. Tell your husband you want him to be madly, passionately in love with you. Take a day off work and go in to town. Take a vacation. Live life, because if you aren't living life, then each breath you take is just a clock ticking down to your grave.

You are in a funky because you choose to be. Nobody is forcing you to. If you are on anti-depressants and they're working, then you need to change the way you think. Do something new.

[JanP]

Wow, you sound a bit harsh. I understand that I need to change my way of thinking. It's just hard.

[mikbone]

(Not Mikbone...his wife here.)

I feel very sad for those around you. Nothing in your post expresses any desire to make things better for another individual. It is curious. And it may hold the key to your happiness. It's very brave of you to post. You must know, that you come off as extremely needy and incapable of change. Do things for your loved ones. Be proud of THEM unconditionally. Start with a smile. Make someone's bed. Buy their favorite soap. Offer a small sincere compliment. One that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Offer one without that hint of a whine about how your needs aren't met. Happiness is a choice. Your Heavenly Father loves you. I can see you have a testimony of that. Sit back and notice his hand in the lives of others. Watch their talents and their good instincts. Then think of the possibilities. Your husband is still your husband. For whatever reason, he hasn't given up. Support him.

[Therauh]

When I read what you've said I feel compassion and my mind is drawn to this.

1 Peter 4

12Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

13But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

14If ye be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are ye; for the spirit of glory and of God resteth upon you: on their part he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified.

15But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters.

16Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf.

17For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God?

18And if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?

19Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.

[jayanna]

I am feeling so hurt. My parents, and siblings have abused, and abandoned me. My grown children are angry with me. My husband is distant and more of a part-time roommate than anything. I have had chronic depression all my life and major depression issues all my life also. I feel that there is no one on this earth who loves me and I have no close ties with deceased people. I also have chronic fatigue.

I am active in the church, temple worthy (tho I have been too depressed to go and get a temple recommend) and love Heavenly Father. Tho it seems hard to hear him. My fault not His.

I'm not sure that life will be any better in the next life. And I don't know what to do to feel uplifted.

YES, I have reached out to others in service and tried to fulfill my callings.

Just feeling abandoned.

It took quite a while for my hubby and I to be sealed. I waited to go myself and actually tried to blame our lack of forward movement on him...I had decided it was because he didn't love me. I was hard to love, fault finding, self-pitying, and finger pointing. Of course he didn't want to be sealed to me...who would want to live with that for eternity?

I went to the temple a received my endowments, for the first time I fully felt the Savior's love for me, and could not deny my nature, or my purpose. My self-confidence soared and I no longer needed others to validate my existence. My husband was so struck by the change in me, in the beauty of my change, and wanted to experience it too. He eventually wanted to be sealed to this daughter of God who had discovered herself.

Less than a year later he received his endowments and we were sealed in the house of the Lord for time and eternity.

In order for others to love you, you must first love yourself.

No one can hand you happiness, you have to go out and get it. Counselfing would be a good idea, but you have to want it bad enough to actually go.

If you don't want to be invlolved in your life, your husband and children won't either. Decide to BE someone that he will want to be sealed to. It's kinda hard to find fault with him for not wanting to go to the temple when you don't want to go either.

Develop a personal relationship with the Savior and don't depend on others to bring you joy.

Yes you do know what to do to feel uplifted.... You already know that you should go to the temple.

Don't let the Savior feel that you have abandoned Him. Read about Him and know that He experienced much worse than these things.

[Moksha]

JanP, since you are already on antidepressants, I suggest that you read Bryon Katie's book , Loving What Is (available at bookstores and libraries) and perhaps glance at her website. About The Work :: The Work of Byron Katie

She has been instrumental in helping may depressed individuals redefine what is going on in their life. Best wishes.

[MormonMama]

I agree with what others have said about doing for others, and that includes your hubby. Even if it doesn't seem to be reciprocated or appreciated, that should not be why we do service for others. "...when ye that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (Mosiah 2:17). God sees and appreciates what we do, if we are doing it for the right reasons, even if no one else does.

When my marriage was in serious trouble not too long ago, one piece of marriage advice I read was that the only real way to change your marriage is to change yourself. One thing this advice recommended was to do small, nice things for your spouse. Rub their shoulders, make their favorite dinner, etc. It said that if you don't feel any affection for your spouse, MAKE yourself feel that affection. The last thing I wanted to do at the time was touch my husband (not talking sexually here, but just AT ALL), but I forced myself to do it and it wasn't long before I didn't have to force myself at all. Just a little touch on the shoulder, holding his hand, a peck on the cheek, etc. Just making the change in myself made a HUGE difference in how I felt about my marriage, and that in turn improved my marriage overall. I am so much happier in my marriage today and I can tell DH is too (in fact, he noticed such a big change in me that he asked me to forward those marriage advice emails I was getting to him as well).

Without knowing why your husband closes himself off it's hard to say what will help. Has he always been like this? Is it a recent change? Could he be responding to your behavior? Have you flat-out told him you love him and want to be more affectionate with him? Is it possible he thinks you don't want him?

Also, you don't need an LDS therapist. There are many good therapists out there who are not LDS but who are sensitive to our faith. Ask your bishop for a recommendation. When I had insurance it didn't cover LDS Family Services, but they did cover a center that my bishop had recommended and those people really helped me. Even though I don't have insurance again now and can't afford counseling, I still learned things from my counselor that I use to this day to help manage my depression and bipolar disorder. Talk to your bishop.

And good luck! :)

[Faded]

I agree with what everyone else is saying: Lose yourself in doing good things for others and see if that changes things. Do nice things for you husband, children, neighbors, fellow church members, etc. Be for others what you feel you're not getting for yourself.

Depression is a tricky thing and there's no sure-fire way to pull yourself out of it. Some people can get medicated and then just pull themselves out of it. Others struggle for years and years. Obviously, you're stuck in it. I remember being suicidally depressed for a number of years when I was younger. It was when I was on my mission that something just sort of snapped and since that day I have a very difficult time actually feeling depressed or sad or lonely. I wish I could put my finger on it and tell you how it was done, but it was just my Heavenly Father blessing me and there really is no other explanation.

Just take my word for it, you're wrong about nobody caring in the next life and in this one. Depression tends to lead you to a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy. People tend to avoid a depressed person because it makes them feel the same way to a degree and they don't like it. Many people want to help but don't know how, so they hold back and do nothing. So people do exactly what the depressed person doesn't need -- they avoid them. It's not out of spite nor is it because they don't care about the person, it's just a natural reaction I guess.

The trick is finding something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. For me it's doing good things for other people and sharing the gospel that makes me feel happiest. It might be something else altogether for you. When you find your happiness, the whole world changes before your eyes. It doesn't become perfect, but it becomes a much more wonderful place to live. And people wanting to be around you more is also nice. You end up finding out that the things weren't ever nearly so bad as you thought they were.

Good luck and God Bless!

Faded

[Maya]

You got a lot good advice here.

Now try to get the energy to go to Church next Sunday... promise yourself something pretty a flower or somethig on Monday if you make it to the Church. You know your Hevenly Father loves you, even though peoples love may decieve, His dont! You are His daughter and He does love you and wish you well. You need to do your part, go where He wants you to go.

[JanP]

Thankyou all for your help. Since he was a child, my hubby has not wanted anyone to touch him or he touch them. I guess he pushed himself to change when we were first married and then couldn't keep doing it.

He is a good man, I just miss the personal touch.

Yes, depression is no fun. I think the hardest part is learning to love myself. I do care about others and pray everyday that I can be of service to someone. I don't think a day goes by that I don't spend an hour or two in helping a friend or neighbor.

I just get lonely and perhaps have become too dependant on my hubby's mood.

[Dove]

Hello, Jan;

My heart totally goes out to you in your sorrow. I suffer from serious depression/mental illness as well. I totally relate to the feelings you have shared in your post.

My first thought is this; Have you considered that your depression is simply a serious mental illness? I believe it isn't about whether or not you are being selfish. You have already expressed that you do exert yourself to serve others. I admire you for being able to do that given how serious your depression is sounding. Have you accepted that you have an illness you will probably have to manage and deal with for the rest of your life?

Please seriously consider finding a competent counselor. Whether or not he/she is LDS is not the point at this time, I believe. A good counselor will help you deal with your illness in a positive, healing and uplifting way, regardless of his or her religion. Do you insist that your regular medical doctor is LDS? It should be no different than with a counselor~What's important is that you find someone you can trust and feel comfortable being totally honest with. It took me years and many counselors to finally find one who was ideal. I wasn't able to find one through LDS social services. I had to go through other avenues. But, the search was worth it. I have always been told by medical professionals that the only way to deal with my mental illness it to do both meds and counseling.

You are dead on about loving yourself through this. Doing so through the help of the Holy Spirit may be the only way you will survive this. Go easy on yourself, and gently. Strive for the self-honesty needed to become in tune with the emotional issues that only add to the depression you are already experiencing due to your physiology.

As hard as it may be (I understand the feelings of being lost and not being close to Heavenly Father), do the best you can to reach out for the Spirit everyday through prayer and scripture study. He will help you survive through this and love you in a way no one else can. There have been a few times I was going to end my life; but, the Spirit powerfully intervened at those times and saved me from doing what I believe would be a terrible mistake. I am so grateful He did.

Take Care of Yourself. Thanks so much for reaching out here. I hope what I've said helps.

Dove

[TL10]

Jan, this is one of my quote that I live by, I hope it helps.

We choose to go to the moon... and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.

~John F. Kennedy

Choose to do the other things Jan, because they are hard and will make you overall a much more stronger person. I can promise you that if you bear through these trials, you will be rewarded.

Also, go to the temple. Trust me, doing baptisims for the dead is the greatest thing in my life.

Edited September 9, 2010 by TL10