Is it ok to get divorced?

[missme89801]

I have read various dicussions about divorce. I've seen some members says being divorced is common and you won't be judged. I've seen others say to work on it. My issue...I've been in and out of the church since birth. Become active again almost a year ago. My marriage was in chaos. I mentioned church, but he didn't seem interested. Low and behold my prayers paid off and he did some work for a nice LDS couple and got him interested. He was bapitized and we started going to services. He accepted a calling and become part of the priesthood. I stayed wary, for I knew of the commitment to the church. He didn't take it too seriously after a couple of months. I enjoy church and what it offers me and my children. We have only been married 3 years. We have one child together. We are a blended family with 5 other children. Money is very low and we live paycheck to paycheck. My husband is a recovering alcoholic/addict. He was unfaithful within the first year. Lots has changed but he remains unkind in his words to others, spends money on himself for almost illegal substantes, lies about taking the money to do so, watches porn, and judges others always. I want to be sealed in the temple someday and be married to a kind and caring man, ho is selfless and dependable. I want my children to be able to look up to him. I've prayed, I've fasted. I've told him I want a divorce. I want to move forward with my life and my children's lives. Is that wrong? He now blames the church for this. I just can't find myself staying with him. We are two different people. We have tried counseling three times...

[slamjet]

One sentence:

Failure to protect.

Above all you have a duty to protect your children. If, and when he gets nabbed by the law, you will be looked at. And if you had knowledge of his activities then you will have a whole world of problems with DCFS especially if it is in your home. If he refuses to get any substantial help, then leave him and protect your children. Otherwise, you may lose them.

Stay close to the Church, protect yourself and your children.

I hope this is a real OP.

Edited September 27, 2010 by slamjet

[pam]

I have to agree with slamjet. Your first priority is to protect your children. If you have done everything humanly possible on your side to make this work and he is unwilling to do his part...sometimes there is only one recourse.

[RachelleDrew]

Yikes. : (

Even if you are unsure of the divorce right now, if he is still engaging in dangerous activities that could end up hurting your kids then you aught to consider separating. You don't have to make a choice about divorce yet. However, you and your kids don't need to be exposed to that sort of thing. Who knows? Perhaps your departure will grant him enough of a reason to clean up his act.

As I said, you don't have to make a choice right now. Just get somewhere safe. Also, get an STD screening. Please? Even if he didn't get one from the affair, he could get diseases from sharing needles and the like. You can never be too sure, the screenings are usually free at health departments.

[Guest]

In addition to the above...

For next time - be careful about who you marry.

[jayanna]

What are almost illegal substances, missme?

You know, missme, I can't really say if you should get divorced or not. While he did not do anything illegal, to my knowledge, If I made a list of the horrible things my husband did before he truly converted to the gospel, no one would believe me. They would simply not believe that I was talking about the same man.

He joined the church about the same time that we got married. For about two months it was great, then something happened, I'm not sure what. His favorite missionary went home, someone at church disappointed him, I don't know.

For a long time I cried every Sunday b/c he was not the man he was supposed to be. He was mean to me and my children. I seriously regretted getting married...again. Then I decided to work on me instead of on him. I went to the temple and received my endowments. I was the person that he wanted to be sealed to for the first time in years. He got curious about the change in me. I loved myself again, I loved him again, I was kinder and more patient. He wanted to know what this whole temple thing was about.

Later that year we were sealed in the temple. The next spring he was able to adopt my daughters and we were sealed to them. I feel like I am still getting to know this new guy. He is amazing.

Will this happen to you? I don't know. Anything is possible. What I do know is that you have to work on you. An STD test is definitely important for you right now. I don't think I would tell the husband that you are getting one, unless you come up positive for something, it will only cause a fight. You want as little contention in the home as possible.

Work on being the best you can be. Pray about what you should do, talk to your bishop and a counselor, even if he won't go. Grow your relationship with your Heavenly Father, know that He loves you and that you are precious to Him. Wait to receive counsel from Him before you act. You are not alone, He will not let you be alone.

[Faded]

The official position of the Church and of the Lord: If at all possible, save your marriage. I think jayanna's point is something that far too many people never even try: Giving up on trying to change the other person and just focus on yourself and being the best person and spouse that you can be. The number one cause of divorce is selfishness. The number one cause of a happy marriage is selflessness. I would suggest taking your "I want" statements and turning them into "I am" statements.

When my own marriage seemed hopelessly doomed, a strange thing happened. I didn't know it at the time but my wife had cheated on me, and in the process had essentially shocked herself awake spiritually. I didn't find out for 3 months. In those 3 months, my wife went out of her way to change and be the kind of wife I had always wished she would be. She changed things that she knew bothered me. She was doing things that she had always refused to do before and was acting so unselfishly I was at a loss to figure out what had happened to her. I had no idea about the affair, but I had very nearly given up on our marriage anyways. Her behavior for that 3 month period changed my attitude towards our marriage completely. I suddenly wanted it all to work out and wanted to do more for her because she was doing more for me. What I didn't know is that she was absolutely certain that I would divorce her when she told me about the affair, so she decided that she would make the last three months of our marriage (which happened to include Thanksgiving and Christmas) the best three months possible so our marriage together would at least end on a positive note and I'd have something good to look back on. I can't know for certain if I would have reacted differently, but when my wife told me the dreaded news that she'd had an affair on New Years Day 2 years ago -- after a week or two of getting past the shock and disappointment -- I found that I really wanted to stay together. Her three month gift to me had a tremendous impact on things -- and she wasn't doing it as an experiment to see if she could change me. She was being a wonderful wife for me because this was going to be her parting gift to her soon-to-be ex-husband. She had no selfish motives for it.

Never underestimate the power of this course of action. It is a very, very powerful thing indeed. It tends to make your spouse want to be a better husband/wife.

I didn't quite catch the part where your children are in danger, but if they are then it changes things a great deal. But all I was seeing in the Original Post was "almost illegal substances" and "porn" and "alcohol." I wasn't catching the part where he was doing anything overtly illegal. I didn't catch the part where he's beating the children or his wife. I did catch that he had been unfaithful, but a assume that is in the past at this point. If I'm wrong on any of these points then it changes everything.

[NeuroTypical]

In addition to the advice everyone else is giving you, I'd add something else. Something is broken in your ability to pick the right guy. You knew who he was before you married him, and yet you married him and made a kid with him anyway. And you have kids from before him? So, how come you pick the wrong guys?

I want to be sealed in the temple someday and be married to a kind and caring man, ho is selfless and dependable. I want my children to be able to look up to him.

Sounds like you have the right desire - but I'm worried you'll fall for yet another Mr. Wrong and end up pulling your kids through yet another horrible experience.

Figure out why you do this, and how to fix it. Your kids need more from you than to get their hopes up just to have them destroyed again.

LM

[rameumptom]

Sadly, divorce is sometimes necessary. When a spouse becomes very abusive, or his/her actions threaten the safety of the kids, then it comes down to choosing their well-being.

Just be aware that divorce is never easy, especially on the kids. But if you teach them the gospel, and give them lots of love, they will be able to adapt and do well in life.

[Guest mormonmusic]

One person gave me advice -- she said that "you know when its time to divorce when you don't feel upset about it happening". So, how do you feel now? Disturbed when you visualize your life without this person? If there is regret and sadness about it, it's not time to divorce.

[Maya]

Devorce is given to us because of the hardness of our hearts (not particulary yours in this case)

Tell your husband what you want and ask him if he wants to be the man to marry you in the Temple. IF he seems not to be interested.... Pray about it. I think you will know what to do and dont look back!

[Melissa569]

If you have a good reason to get a divorce, meaning if it will protect you or your children's physical, spiritual, emotional and mental well being, or just if you truly would be better off in life getting away from that person-- then I don't think its a sin.

Even if there are no children involved, still, you have to have enough self respect to get out of an unhealthy situation. Just like you should have enough self respect to close the door and walk away if you accidentally stumble into a room where there are 10 people getting strung out on drugs.

You should especially leave a relationship if the other person won't take the steps along with you that are needed to make things better. Fixing a marriage is not something that only one person can do. Both sides have to be actvely involved. And if one person refuses no matter what, there is very little you can do beyond that.

Being in a destructive relationship (its not always physical violence, it can also be mental and emotional abuse) can destroy who you are. It can ruin your heart, your spirit, your ability to love and forgive... It can wreck the way you think about life and other people, and it can ultimately destroy your soul, if you wallow in it too much.

Not all marriages are a good thing to save... Sorry, "save" is the wrong word. That implies that the problems have been resolved, and that can't always happen. Let's reword that-- not all marriages are a good thing to pin the "monogamy" button on. And there comes a time when we all have to admit that.

And just because the divorce was caused by selfishness-- doesn't mean it was YOUR selfishness.

Edited September 29, 2010 by Melissa569

[baellison]

a divore is an option especially for you because its what you want. you deserve to be happy and so does he and if that means not together than thats ok. the lord is forgiving and he nor any of your loved ones would want or expect you to stay in a marriage full of these deceitful ways. people grow apart and soon i wish for you to find someone who fits you and who you are and what you are looking for to take care of you. all the best. live with no regrets

brooke

[JudoMinja]

Divorce is giving up on a commitment. You have to decide if your circumstances merit such a choice. As others have stated, divorce should be a last resort. All measures possible should be taken to work through your differences and remove yourselves of selfish behaviors.

When you have done everything you possibly can and your marriage is only proving to be destructive, it is time to start considering divorce. It should be considered very carefully. Never divorce for selfish reasons (not saying that this is why you are considering it, just giving general advice here). Even divorce should be an act of selflessness.

I am divorced. I initially left my husband with the intent to protect my son from harm. After leaving, I realized that we (my son and I) would never be safe around my husband without him making drastic changes, changes he was clearly unwilling to make. Even if he were willing to make those changes, I had been damaged to the point of terror and would never be able to trust him again. I did not file for a divorce to hurt him or get back at him or because I wanted to be with someone else. I did so to bring safety and peace of mind to myself and my son, and to give my husband the opportunity to choose his own path.

Before I divorced, I did everything in my power to mend my broken relationship. Unfortunately, it was unfixable because my choice to marry had been wrong. I knew he was abusive when I married him. I knew he was dangerous, but I was too proud to listen to my better judgment. I believed what he told me of the man he wanted to be, believed he was willing to become that man, and I was too proud to admit my belief in him had been misplaced. I did not consider my choice carefully. I rushed into it and ignored the promtings of the spirit, because I wanted to be married and I wanted to have a family. That was where I went wrong.

Divorce was my first step in correction. Now, I consider everything with prayer, I listen to the spirit, and I strive to live my life in accordance with the standards and values I believe to be true.

This is an example of when divorce is a good thing. If your case is similar, divorce may be the right choice. However, such a decision should never be jumped into carelessly. Never ignore that little voice inside your head. Always listen to the promptings of the spirit. The Lord knows your husbands heart. He knows if your husband is willing and capable of turning his life around. He also knows if staying would prove destructive to you and your children. Pray. Listen. Ask yourself if you want to divorce for selfish or selfless reasons. Ask yourself if you have done everything in your power to honor your commitment of marriage. This is the only way you will know for sure if you should get divorced.