sealing cancellation

[happyending]

I was divorced a few years ago, after spending years praying for what would "fix" the issues in my marriage. The only answer I got over and over was "something big". Over years I found myself constantly put in a position to forgive the "missteps" of exposing himself to a teen girl, drinking, pornography, and eventually an emotional affair with a stripper. In order to keep my marriage together I began to go to bars with my husband and to cope with what was going on, began drinking with him. Over time, drinking led to some abuse, and once toward our oldest when she tried to help me. Divorce was the only answer, as he believes the problem lies with me.

Since that time, I have counseled with my bishop, repented, and have remarried an amazing man. He came into my life not long after my divorce and after being married for over a year, he has gone through the temple. :) (Yes, he is a convert.) In the near future, I would like to be sealed to him, but will first need to pursue a sealing cancellation. My ex has already warned me that he will "never grant it" and will tell my bishop that our divorce is the result of adultry on my part (It's not). I know there is a letter that I will need to write, and I now see the wisdom in waiting at least a year, as I was pretty bitter until about a year ago. I do not look forward to this process because the last 5 years of my previous marriage are very painful to even think about, especially after conpleting the repentance process.

My question is what goes into this process? If he is no longer active, etc. how much stock is put into what he says? Does he have to "grant" the cancellation?

[NeuroTypical]

The First Presidency are the only people who can give a cancellation of sealing. They may or may not grant it, after recieving a recommendation from a bishop and stake president.

So yes, start with your bishop. None of us can tell you how much say your ex-husband will have in the matter. But you can expect it to take a long time either way - like upwards of a year or even longer.

LM

[RachelleDrew]

As far as I know, a letter is always sent informing your ex of the cancellation (if it is approved) unless your ex has requested no contact from the church for whatever reason.

Your ex doesn't ultimately make the decision about the cancellation, your leadership does. It can't hurt to at least try. LM is right, talk to your bishop as soon as you can. It may take a while so it is best to get started now.

[rubondfan2]

Since that time, I have counseled with my bishop, repented, and have remarried an amazing man. He came into my life not long after my divorce and after being married for over a year, he has gone through the temple. :) (Yes, he is a convert.)

Outstanding. All great choices and you are to be commended for your courage. I am sure that the Lord is very pleased with you taking accountability for your part in the marriage decaying and for your willingness to rid yourself of the serious transgressions keeping you from enjoying the full blessings of the Gospel. Awesome to hear that your husband embraced the Gospel within his own life and is endowed. What a wonderful success story!

In the near future, I would like to be sealed to him, but will first need to pursue a sealing cancellation.

Not necessarily. Absolutely speak with your Bishop on this one as the rules and procedures around sealing cancellations for female, endowed, sealed members have changed over the years. My most recent experience with this (a female family member) is that the Church won't grant a cancellation, but will grant a "sealing clearance". This means you are clear to get sealed, but that your original one is not formally "canceled". Don't stress about this, because a "sealing" doesn't force one or the other party to be with someone they don't want to be in the eternities... everyone still has their agency. I could say a lot more on the sealing ordinance, but it's really not germaine to your question. The long and the short of it is, that you will very likely be able to be sealed to your current husband and even if a cancellation from your former one is not granted, you are in no way "sealed" to him if you don't want to be.

My ex has already warned me that he will "never grant it" and will tell my bishop that our divorce is the result of adultry on my part (It's not).

This doesn't matter. Your ex will likely be given an opportunity to write a letter as part of the whole review process that goes along with a request for cancellation or a request for sealing clearance. As long as you have been completely forthright throughout your repentance process, nothing that your ex says about you in that letter will hold any merit. The purpose of the "ex spouse letter" is more of a protection for the Church as they evaluate someone's request to have blessings restored, receive a sealing clearance, etc. The Church has an interest in whether or not you chopped people up and buried them in your backyard in the 80's, didn't bother to share that little tidbit with your Bishop, and only your ex spouse happens to be privy to that information.

In the end, it is the First Presidency who decides to grant a sealing cancellation or a clearance or both... NOT your ex. (Thank goodness for that!) :)

And by the way... a lot of ex's don't even respond to the letter request that the Bishop/Stake President sends out. You may just end up being pleasantly surprised that your ex doesn't even take the time to put pen to paper. I'm pretty sure the Priesthood leader is counseled to only wait for a couple of weeks for a letter from the ex and if they don't get it, they just move on with the process. Former or current Bishops on the forum here can confirm or clarify that.

I know there is a letter that I will need to write, and I now see the wisdom in waiting at least a year, as I was pretty bitter until about a year ago. I do not look forward to this process because the last 5 years of my previous marriage are very painful to even think about, especially after conpleting the repentance process.

Yep, this letter is just part of the overall process. Try not to fret about your past... if you've truly repented of all of it with sincerity and diligence, then "I the Lord remember them no more"... you should try to do the same. We humans have a tougher time forgiving and letting go than the Lord does... but the exercise in forgiving yourself is a valuable one indeed.

My question is what goes into this process? If he is no longer active, etc. how much stock is put into what he says? Does he have to "grant" the cancellation?

I think I ended up covering this with my previous statements above.

The bottom line here is that it's time for your and your husband to go and visit with the Bishop to get this whole process started. It's a very good experience and while there may be some emotional bumps along the way because of the ex coming into the picture again, the entire effort is very well spelled out in the handbook of instructions and your leadership will help you through it all with love and support.

Best of luck to you and may the Lord bless you and your husband to receive all the blessings of being sealed for time and for all eternity.

Edited October 25, 2010 by rubondfan2

[rameumptom]

Both exes write a letter discussing any issues they have about a cancellation. Given that he's inactive, drinking and living in adultery, his letter will not have much impact.

With your bishop's and stake president's recommendation, and given you are a temple recommend holder right now yourself, you should receive your cancellation rather quickly: weeks or a couple months.

24 years ago, my wife had to request a sealing cancellation for us to be sealed. Her ex lied quite a bit in his letter about her. But the cancellation came 2 weeks after it was submitted, as she was faithful through the whole process.

[Just_A_Guy]

But you can expect it to take a long time either way - like upwards of a year or even longer.

Just to buttress what Rameumptom wrote:

I helped a ward member finalize her divorce in March (she, her ex, my wife and I took our temple prep class together back when we were all engaged).

She's getting married again, in the temple, in November.

Sometimes these things can happen pretty fast. *shrug*.

Edited October 25, 2010 by Just_A_Guy

[Wingnut]

Not necessarily. Absolutely speak with your Bishop on this one as the rules and procedures around sealing cancellations for female, endowed, sealed members have changed over the years. My most recent experience with this (a female family member) is that the Church won't grant a cancellation, but will grant a "sealing clearance". This means you are clear to get sealed, but that your original one is not formally "canceled".

I've only ever heard of clearances for males, and cancellations for females.

[Maureen]

...Not necessarily. Absolutely speak with your Bishop on this one as the rules and procedures around sealing cancellations for female, endowed, sealed members have changed over the years. My most recent experience with this (a female family member) is that the Church won't grant a cancellation, but will grant a "sealing clearance". This means you are clear to get sealed, but that your original one is not formally "canceled". Don't stress about this, because a "sealing" doesn't force one or the other party to be with someone they don't want to be in the eternities... everyone still has their agency. I could say a lot more on the sealing ordinance, but it's really not germaine to your question. The long and the short of it is, that you will very likely be able to be sealed to your current husband and even if a cancellation from your former one is not granted, you are in no way "sealed" to him if you don't want to be....

My understanding of this is that, a man requests a "sealing clearance" and a woman requests a "sealing cancellation". The woman needs to have her previous sealing cancelled since she cannot be sealed to more than one man at the same time while she is alive.

M.

[rubondfan2]

My understanding of this is that, a man requests a "sealing clearance" and a woman requests a "sealing cancellation". The woman needs to have her previous sealing cancelled since she cannot be sealed to more than one man at the same time while she is alive.

M.

Agreed... however in the case of this particular person in my family circle (my mother in-law), she sought for a cancelation but was told that a cancellation's were now being granted only granted under certain circumstances and that even for a female, a sealing clearance was now being given instead of cancelation. The policy certainly was exactly as you state for females, but this has changed in recent years.

In any case... the OP should have no problems receiving what she needs to press forward and be sealed to her current husband. About 7 to 10 years ago and further back, I had heard of a lot of cases where the female wasn't able to get a cancelation and was stuck with only being able to be married for "time only" for years and years. Thankfully, the policies and procedures appear to have changed a bit... most likely due to the sheer numbers of divorced members of the church in this age.

[Maureen]

Agreed... however in the case of this particular person in my family circle (my mother in-law), she sought for a cancelation but was told that a cancellation's were now being granted only granted under certain circumstances and that even for a female, a sealing clearance was now being given instead of cancelation. The policy certainly was exactly as you state for females, but this has changed in recent years.

In any case... the OP should have no problems receiving what she needs to press forward and be sealed to her current husband. About 7 to 10 years ago and further back, I had heard of a lot of cases where the female wasn't able to get a cancelation and was stuck with only being able to be married for "time only" for years and years. Thankfully, the policies and procedures appear to have changed a bit... most likely due to the sheer numbers of divorced members of the church in this age.

I think this is a job for MOE, the CHI guru. Although I believe he's not allowed to peek until mid November. Is that right MOE?

M.

[MarginOfError]

Agreed... however in the case of this particular person in my family circle (my mother in-law), she sought for a cancelation but was told that a cancellation's were now being granted only granted under certain circumstances and that even for a female, a sealing clearance was now being given instead of cancelation. The policy certainly was exactly as you state for females, but this has changed in recent years.

The 2006 edition of the Church Handbook of Instructions states the men receive sealing clearances and women receive sealing cancellations. I "highly doubt" that this will change in the 2010 edition (which takes effect on 13 Nov).

[FenderFan]

I recieved a cancellation (having asked for one) last year. It is my understanding that is it 'usual' for a man to ask for a sealing request, but necessary for a woman to have a cancellation. Furthermore, despite my ex-wife trying to stall things, I had my letter from the FP only three months after the papers were sent off by my Stake President, and less than a month before I flew out to Hungary to marry. Cue a rather hurried call to the London temple to arrange our sealing for when we arrived back to the UK...

[Melissa569]

Well, I don't know much about the process of breaking a seal, because I've never been sealed to anybody before. My parents, brothers and sisters want nothing to do with the church, and niether does my husband. We don't plan on having any children either, because things are just too rocky. I'm pretty sure the only way I ever will be sealed to anybody, is to marry someone else, lol.

However, I do know that you need to out-smart your ex. Stay one step ahead of him, and check every move he makes. If he plans on telling your bishop that YOU were the one cheating, then make sure you get to your bishop first on the matter. Write out a letter similar to your original post, explining how your ex is claiming he will refuse to let you break the seal, and how he plans to spread lies about you being the cheater as a form of revenge. That way, even if your ex does do something like that, the bishop won't believe him.

BUT-- Don't tell your ex what you are doing. Or he will think of a different lie to surprise you and the bishop with.

[ryanh]

The last thing I would want to do when the First Presidency and revelation is involved is to be a participant to 'playing games' in the process. Let those who do play such games, hang themselves. The high road is the better choice IMO.

[ryanh]

Agreed... however in the case of this particular person in my family circle (my mother in-law), she sought for a cancelation but was told that a cancellation's were now being granted only granted under certain circumstances and that even for a female, a sealing clearance was now being given instead of cancelation. The policy certainly was exactly as you state for females, but this has changed in recent years.

I just read the 2006 an 2010 Handbooks two weeks ago, and both were very clear that a woman needs a cancellation prior to being sealed to a different man. I have a hard time accepting the idea that the FP, who signs off on all cancellation/clearance applications are regularly acting contrary to the Handbooks they are producing.

Sounds like stories are getting mixed up. What has changed from the past is that cancellations are only granted under certain circumstances when the woman is not planning to be married imminently (already engaged). The change is to leave the sealing in place until engagement is entered into.

[pam]

Well, I don't know much about the process of breaking a seal, because I've never been sealed to anybody before. My parents, brothers and sisters want nothing to do with the church, and niether does my husband. We don't plan on having any children either, because things are just too rocky. I'm pretty sure the only way I ever will be sealed to anybody, is to marry someone else, lol.

However, I do know that you need to out-smart your ex. Stay one step ahead of him, and check every move he makes. If he plans on telling your bishop that YOU were the one cheating, then make sure you get to your bishop first on the matter. Write out a letter similar to your original post, explining how your ex is claiming he will refuse to let you break the seal, and how he plans to spread lies about you being the cheater as a form of revenge. That way, even if your ex does do something like that, the bishop won't believe him.

BUT-- Don't tell your ex what you are doing. Or he will think of a different lie to surprise you and the bishop with.

I'm with ryanh when he mentions games played. Games just aren't a part of this. It sounds like a game of who can up who. Kind of makes it sound like the brethren involved starting with local leaders up to the First Presidency won't be using the power of discernment they have to make a decision.

[Melissa569]

Well I suppose I should explain my reasons for suggesting that, because reading back over it, it does sound a little bit "high school-ish", lol. Of course, I understand everyone's concern about not appearing to be playing games. I'm not into playing childish games either.

But my concern is that a person can be disfellowshipped in some wards for being labeled a cheater. And there is really no way to prove anything (at least not on earth), its just her word against his. So to me, that's not a game or a joke at all-- its very serious business.

The reason I suggested telling the bishop was because she is innocent, and she would only be telling the truth, by explaining it. I don't consider telling the truth playing games. I believe the only person who would be playing games in this situation, is the one who is making up lies (or at least threatening to, which I think is extremely immature of him).

She will have to tell her bishop (and anyone higher) about her ex's threats no matter what, especially after her ex fulfills his threat. I mean sure, God knows the truth. But human church leaders are not mind readers. We are kind of stuck down here for the rest of our mortal lives. So we don't want to risk getting kicked out of the church during this life over something we didn't even do. When someone's church status is on the line, the last thing I am thinking about is games. I see it as being honest, and getting everything out in the open.

But of course, its up to her weather she wants to do that now, or later. Hopefully the fact that she is still active in the church will work in her favor, while church leaders decide who is telling the truth and not.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Melissa569

[Wingnut]

But my concern is that a person can be disfellowshipped in some wards for being labeled a cheater. And there is really no way to prove anything (at least not on earth), its just her word against his. So to me, that's not a game or a joke at all-- its very serious business.

When you use "disfellowshipped" in this context, do you mean that she might be ostracized, or do you mean the Church disciplinary status?

The reason I suggested telling the bishop was because she is innocent, and she would only be telling the truth, by explaining it. I don't consider telling the truth playing games. I believe the only person who would be playing games in this situation, is the one who is making up lies (or at least threatening to, which I think is extremely immature of him).

She will have to tell her bishop (and anyone higher) about her ex's threats no matter what, especially after her ex fulfills his threat. I mean sure, God knows the truth. But human church leaders are not mind readers. We are kind of stuck down here for the rest of our mortal lives. So we don't want to risk getting kicked out of the church during this life over something we didn't even do. When someone's church status is on the line, the last thing I am thinking about is games. I see it as being honest, and getting everything out in the open.

But of course, its up to her weather she wants to do that now, or later. Hopefully the fact that she is still active in the church will work in her favor, while church leaders decide who is telling the truth and not.

If you read the OP, you'll see that it's quite clear that she's already counseled with her bishop and cleared everything up on her own end.

[MarginOfError]

When you use "disfellowshipped" in this context, do you mean that she might be ostracized, or do you mean the Church disciplinary status?

If you read the OP, you'll see that it's quite clear that she's already counseled with her bishop and cleared everything up on her own end.

Also, the standard of evidence required for formal Church discipline is usually higher than a he-said-she-said game.