The Final Straw (Pornography...)

[Breaking]

I understand so little about what to do, and I've struggled and shed so many tears so often. The addictions of pornography and masturbation has eaten me up from the inside out. I have times where I have great success, where weeks have gone by without me breaking, then I have yet another slip. I decided that I need to find a firm and resolute answer to what I need to do.

I've turned to my Father in Heaven daily, asking for help and strength to overcome these powerful addictions; asking that I may be able to break free from the chains that hold me down and asking with a true intent. I've found this does help, but I still find myself in the dumpsters.

I'm 18 years old, LDS, and I'm here saying I'd give anything a chance or opportunity if it helps me move past these addictions. I'd love to break this 6 year addiction. I'd like to serve a mission, called of God, and be truly worthy. This is something that I personally would like to achieve, but I know it's not possibly with just myself. I'm currently attending the single's ward in my local community, and am almost licensed to work a medical-based job. I have a FIRM testimony of the church, its leaders, and the gospel itself. I also have a firm testimony that this cause is something I should strive for.

Methods that I've tried in the past; many trying simeotaneously:

-Admit I'm addicted to Pornography/Masturbation

-Morning and Evening Scripture Study

-Morning and Evening Prayer

-Serving my community and neighbors with odd-jobs; etc;.

-Talking with my parents/bishop OFTEN (Weekly for Bishop, Daily with Parents)

-Counseling

-Online Programs

-Taking up new hobbies

-Keeping a prayer in my heart through-out the day

-Trying with all my might to keep my thoughts clean and pure (Hum primary hymns)

-Talking with other addicts/ex-addicts about the problem

-Attending Church weekly; with a desire to learn and grow

-Ask for priesthood blessing(s)

Other strategies I've tried were around the lines of going running when I felt the tempation, working on a big project to keep my mind off, and even yelling at the top of my lungs.

I want to change. I'd like to be able to use the priesthood I've been given. I want to change not just for me, but for my future and current family.

I've spent too much time pushing and striving to just give up.

Please; any and all suggestions would be very much so appreciated.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Breaking

[Just_A_Guy]

I know it sounds trite, but . . . have you tried a filter like K9?

In my case . . . the other stuff helped, but having an actual physical restraint does wonders. It buys you time so that the other techniques you mention can really start to take effect within you; and it provides a useful backstop for the times (which will come, even years from now) when you're seriously considering giving in.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Just_A_Guy

[Breaking]

Those filters don't work for me. I can't seem to restrain myself from just getting past them. I have used k9 in the past.

[Just_A_Guy]

I'm a little surprised to hear that; my understanding was that K-9 is pretty much impossible to work around.

But, at any rate: after you managed to do that, did you do some expensive Monday-morning quarterbacking to see how you got into that situation? Did you consider how long did it take you to work around the filters, and how you had managed to be alone on the computer for that period of time in the first place?

If there's an easy workaround, but also a way to thwart that workaround (for example, if you work around filters by getting into the secret "administrator" account that is active by default in Windows XP) - have you told your parents about these workarounds so that they can take steps to eliminate them? (The aforementioned "administrator" account, for example, can have a separate password put onto it or even [i think] deleted entirely.)

I'm not trying to attack you, and I apologize if it comes off that way. But it's time to stop talking in generalities like "filters don't work". You need to start fearlessly and comprehensively asking yourself how each relapse happens, identifying the common elements in each relapse, and then eradicate them one by one.

By the way: Do you have the book Confronting Pornography?

Edited November 3, 2010 by Just_A_Guy

[Dravin]

I know the desire is to stop cold turkey, and such is a righteous desire, but if you can work on pornography a lot of the temptation for masturbation will fade (though certainly not be eliminated) and even some visa versa in my experience. Masturbation and pornography feed on each other, pornography gives you the desire to masturbate and masturbation stokes the fires that want viewing pornography as a release. Then once you've got a good start on the pornography you can devote more focus to masturbation (or visa versa I suppose but I can't see looking at pornography and not masturbating as particularly realistic for most people). Think if it like someone who smokes and drinks deciding they are going to stop drinking first and then work on smoking.

As far as K9, it may simply be better to get rid of the computer, at least for the time being. If you are at home still you can have your parents password protect the family computer and if you haven't already make sure all computers are in public areas. If you don't live at home simply removing the computer (give it to your folks for the time being) is something you can't get around depending on what your habits are. Lots of people view pornography late at night which limits alternatives (which exist, you are now old enough to purchase magazines and the like if you felt like doing so). Even so it's a firmer barrier than a filter.

Edit P.S. Strangely it was my desire to kick masturbation as a habit prior to joining the military (though I never did join) that ended up removing most of the influence of masturbation and pornography from my life and made me receptive to an invitation by my Bishopric to attend church again. So I suggest it because it worked for me, I realize what worked for me may not work for you. I weaned myself off masturbation as a habit. Seems strange but I 'allowed' myself one less per week (one consequence, combined with factors such as the computer being in a public space, was viewing less pornography as time went by). Which is why I likened it to smoking or drinking, most people don't think too much of someone trying to wean themselves off cigarettes by smoking one less a week and so on but everyone expects you to stop masturbation or pornography cold turkey.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Dravin

[rubondfan2]

Hello Breaking:

A quick curiosity question first, you say in your post that you are 18 years old, yet your profile has you being 26. I'll assume that your post is more accurate and that you just set your profile up that way for privacy reasons... I'm just curious though.

On to the advice.

I feel for you, having had similar struggles in my own life. The desperation, frustration, embarassment, shame, anxiety and the host of other human emotions surrounding a sex addiction are at times completely unbearable. You are absolutely not alone in this, as many, many others struggle with this area... males AND females. In my opinion, this is Satan's number one area of attack in our world societies and cultures today. He's taking advantage of an overall breakdown in the family structure and in the moral fiber of the world.

According to your post, you have done a wonderful job at treating and seeking ways to avoid the symptoms of your addiction; but I did not see anything that drills at the core of the issue. As long as you keep trying to just avoid these behaviors or block your access to them or talk about them or pray for the Lord to take the desires away from you I am afraid that my honest assessment back to you is that you will struggle with this for the rest of your life.

We in the church (many leaders included) are wonderful at fighting symptoms... giving all sorts of "practical", "day to day" advice on dealing with addictions. "Stay off the internet", "talk with your Bishop/Parents/Sponsor/Life Coach/Etc. daily", "pray daily", "read your scriptures"... these are all wonderful things to do and I certainly encourage all of the above along with the other things you mentioned in your post. But what the church, in my opinion, is not doing well at is helping addicts to get at the root of the issue, which are emotional and energetic issues. There is a reason why your body and your mind wants to engage in these behaviors in the first place. Some questions to ask yourself:

- What are you feeling when these temptions occur? Are you bored? Sad? Happy? Angry? Depressed? What do you FEEL emotionally when these temptations occur?

- How well are you dealing with stress and pressure in your life?

- When/how were you first introduced to the concepts of pornography/masturbation? (This can sometimes help to identify a root cause in your past... abuse of some kind... exposure by accident or on purpose, etc.)

These are the kind of things that a competent counselor can help you discover. Parents, while certainly good folks to keep in touch with about this, they, unfortunately might actually be behind the emotional issues that you are seeking to cover up with these behaviors. Also, they are super emotionally invested in you (rightly so) and as such, sometimes fail to look at the problem from a wider perspective and therefore end up giving less than helpful support and counsel. Bishop's have the mantle of stewardship and discernment over members of their wards and therefore can give some really good advice; but a good Bishop will be the first to tell you that emotional and psychological issues are not their forte (unless that is what they do for a living) and they should be connecting you with counseling resources to help you with your addictions.

The thing to learn and realize as quickly as you can is that your body's urge to satisfy the sexual energy that is building up within it is PERFECTLY NORMAL and is, in fact, part of your overall design. Sexual energy is generated in the area between your pelvic floor and your navel and is actually a very healthy part of our overall energetic makeup as humans. Learning how to diffuse or maneuver this energy in healthy ways to other parts of the body are very important and help you to feel more "whole" and "complete"... filled with light, consciousness, intelligence... whatever term you feel comfortable using; as well as the added benefit of reducing the urge or need to "release" the energy through masturbation.

I can offer a lot more advice in this area with you if you would like to PM me. For this public response, that's about as far as I'll go. You are an individual... and your reasons for having this temptation so prevalent in your life are just as individual. But as I have extensively studied this not just in my own life but in the lives of many, many others; I have found that digging deep for the root emotional cause which drive us to cope and cover up through these behaviors is actually the most effective way to treat this addiction.

I will also say as a matter of practical advice, that getting this addiction understood and under control now, before marriage is very important. So many men and women simply take their addictions and the symptomatic behaviors associated with them into marriage and end up using their partners (not intentionally, of course) as a masturbation outlet. Just because you're having sex with your spouse does NOT mean that you have an emotional connection or healthy sexual relationship. This is the elephant in the room that so many avoid and ignore. Fix this now... while you are single... and your marital relationship will be immensely more successful.

The other standard "Gospel answers" to these addictions are good too... good for the overall maintenance of our spiritual health; and they are to be practiced with diligence. But unless you deal with the emotional and energetic side of this issue, you'll be fighting the symptoms forever... and you'll lose those battles from time to time and always struggle to feel "normal" and "worthy".

rubondfan2

[GaySaint]

I don’t know how much this will help, but I’ve been thinking about this subject quite a bit lately, and in particular the psychological aspects of addiction and pornography. As a little background, my thought process started while talking to a former cop who used to work with the internet crimes against children taskforce, and we were specifically talking about child pornography, but I think some of my thoughts on this issue (and you’ll see why they tie together to your situation in a minute) might help you think about your addiction differently.

While talking to this cop, we got on the subject of how child pornographers seem to horde their “goods.” He talked about how it was usually pretty easy to find evidence for these people, because they could never bring themselves to delete ANYTHING. We talked about how it would be much more difficult to convict these people if they downloaded the porn, watched it, and then deleted it – but in his experience, this NEVER happened.

And that got me thinking about how as human beings we all seem to have one major downfall: an attraction to the forbidden. For some reason, the fact that pornography (just the normal kind, in your case) is supposed to be “off limits” makes it that much more alluring.

Maybe JAG can attest to this (as someone who has admitted to having been there and overcome this), but I know this was definitely true in my case. While I was “struggling with my sexuality” I had a hard time with pornography too. Now that I’m no longer a member of the church, and pornography is no longer “the forbidden fruit,” so to speak, I really have no desire to look at it. Obviously leaving the church isn’t what I’m suggesting, but finding a way to break the cycle of self-loathing, the allure of the forbidden, and the frantic frustration, I think, is the key (people who have low self-esteem, and tend to belittle themselves when the make a mistake, are even more susceptible to making the mistake again).

So, is admitting to yourself that you are an adult and can look at porn if you want to, but choose not to as a Son of God, enough to break the attraction to the forbidden? Is enlarging your circle of friends, improving your body image (however you need to do this: gym, eating better, etc), dating more, or perhaps seeing another counselor enough to bolster your self-esteem? When your mind starts to race frantically in the cycle of “forbidden fruit, sin, self-loathing,” is there something you can do that is calming – something where you can make yourself feel in control?

Maybe I’m wrong, but addressing these questions seems to have worked for other people I know, and they have to be addressed before you’ll have the power to beat the temptation.

Do you see yourself as a valiant son of God who has his issues just like everyone else, or do you see yourself as a sinner? Just having hope does wonders at enabling us to be the best person we can be.

I worked with a therapist regarding my SGA for two years who also did pornography addiction therapy. I’ll gladly share with you his name and contact information if you want to try counseling again (and I recommend him highly). Just PM me :)

[Just_A_Guy]

Maybe JAG can attest to this (as someone who has admitted to having been there and overcome this), but I know this was definitely true in my case.

Just to clarify--we're talking about "legal" porn, not child porn--right?

While I was “struggling with my sexuality” I had a hard time with pornography too. Now that I’m no longer a member of the church, and pornography is no longer “the forbidden fruit,” so to speak, I really have no desire to look at it. Obviously leaving the church isn’t what I’m suggesting, but finding a way to break the cycle of self-loathing, the allure of the forbidden, and the frantic frustration, I think, is the key (people who have low self-esteem, and tend to belittle themselves when the make a mistake, are even more susceptible to making the mistake again).

I heartily agree with this and everything else in your post. The book "Confronting Pornography" talks about a mental exercise where you sort of step out of the picture, look at it objectively--instead of "holy crap, there's this temptation and it's HUGE", think "here's a child of God on his journey back to the Father; there's Satan doing what he always does; I wonder what needs to happen next for the Plan of Salvation to be fulfilled?" It's weird, but de-personalizing it seems to help (at least for me).

(And yes, the book explains it far better than I could.)

[GaySaint]

JAG: Sorry for the lack of clarity =) Yes, not the illegal stuff!

[Guest Alana]

Why even have a computer if the temptation is so huge? Get rid of it. As great as the internet is, it's not worth it if you have a problem with that bad stuff. Same with tv. You say you've been to counseling. I know money is always tight, but if you can, go back. Maybe try a different counselor, find one you really really like. If it takes a lot of money, it's ok to have to sacrifice to combat this. Find one who you think is brilliant and awesome and exactly what you need. Of course, keep up with the obvious, such as church attendance, scripture study, prayer, etc.

[FreeForAll]

This might be the craziest idea but it worked for me a couple years ago. It seems like the best method if none of those are working. When the thought enters your mind, you always get that 1-5secs in your head saying don't do it, as soon as you hear that warning, just yell out as loud as you can NOOO. You might feel like a fool, but gets your mind off of the temptations and listening to reason better. Go ahead and try it, if you actually do it, it will help a lot :)

[mrmarklin]

Those filters don't work for me. I can't seem to restrain myself from just getting past them. I have used k9 in the past.

The Church has a network to help you and has used a 12 step program for addictions.

BTW, don't self diagnose. You may not be addicted. Leave that up to the professionals. I'm personally not a big believer in personal behavior addiction myself. But there certainly can be physical and psychological problems.

[slamjet]

I'm a little surprised to hear that; my understanding was that K-9 is pretty much impossible to work around.

Nothing computerish is ever foolproof. I can think of a few ways to get around any filter. Thus, no filters on my systems. And no, I will not share.

[jennvan]

Methods that I've tried in the past; many trying simeotaneously:

-Admit I'm addicted to Pornography/Masturbation

-Morning and Evening Scripture Study

-Morning and Evening Prayer

-Serving my community and neighbors with odd-jobs; etc;.

-Talking with my parents/bishop OFTEN (Weekly for Bishop, Daily with Parents)

-Counseling

-Online Programs

-Taking up new hobbies

-Keeping a prayer in my heart through-out the day

-Trying with all my might to keep my thoughts clean and pure (Hum primary hymns)

-Talking with other addicts/ex-addicts about the problem

-Attending Church weekly; with a desire to learn and grow

-Ask for priesthood blessing(s)

Other strategies I've tried were around the lines of going running when I felt the tempation, working on a big project to keep my mind off, and even yelling at the top of my lungs.

I'm curious about what didn't work with these methods you tried.

I also second the thoughts expressed earlier to look at yourself and become aware of what is happening (to yourself and things around you) when you view pornography. There is an interesting cycle that happens with compulsions. This is the typical pattern we see:

1. stress happens in life

2. anxiety starts building up

3. you want to view porn (or any other unhealthy activity: drinking, drugging, cutting, disordered eating, etc) and the anxiety starts to peak in intensity

4. there is a dissociation from the feelings of anxiety

5. this dissociation or disconnection from reality allows the undesired activity to be easily seen as a good option or the only option

6. the activity is done (sometimes people even report watching themselves do it and feeling like they can't do anything to stop it)

7. reality sets back in as to what happened

8. shame enters in and the cycle begins again

It really is a never-ending cycle until we can break it at some point in the cycle. One of the previous posters suggested maybe changing the shame part of it (just accept that you are going to look at porn) but I think its easier to interrupt the cycle in other places. I have found the most success with people who can interrupt the cycle during the anxiety stage and many people have to start with the peaking place. Take some time to examine what you are feeling like both in your mind (what are the words you are hearing) and your body (what do you feel, where, how?) as the anxiety starts to build up. How do you know things are spinning faster? What does that feel like to spin faster? It might not be as easy to do it right now because it sounds like you are spinning in the shame and cycling so quickly its hard to see any gap that you might be able to get a foothold on. But if you will take that step back from things and give an honest look at yourself, you can find a place to stop and look and feel.

Another thing I would suggest is that it sounds like you are running from your problem in many ways, both figuratively and literally. Anxiety and shame will always run us until we can sit with the uncomfortableness of them. The way to overcome anxiety and shame is to face them but we can't "white knuckle" it either so we need to find behaviors that are soothing in our anxiety. It sounds like what you have done is those things that others think you should do. Maybe you should look at what you need, what types of things soothe you? Would it be helpful to listen to certain kinds of music, paint a picture, walk in a park, play with an animal, talk to a friend, or any other numbers of things that bring some happiness to your heart/soul.

I would also suggest looking for a therapist who specializes in this work because it is not easy work to do. I wish you luck on your journey and hope that you can find the peace you are looking for. I know that Heavenly Father wishes it for you as well.

[Breaking]

Just to verify some things:

-Its not child porn

-I'm 18

Also, lately, I've been thinking that it's possible its a hormonal imbalance...

Reasons why I think this way is since there will be times out in public or even at home where I have an erection. It will be random, and not because of thoughts or anything. It'll just come out of the blue.

[jennvan]

When you are as heavily into pornography as you state you are, the body has been conditioned to be aroused by many things even if we "logically" are not. Its actually quite common in men with pornography problems.

[Suzanne627]

Don't be alone. Stay busy. Don't be selfish (when you have temptation, do something that helps your family instead).

Have you talked to elders (I'm not saying in-depth)? Or gone on splits with them? While missionaries cannot give personal council, they are great company and can keep you busy.

I am quite interested in why your profile would say 26 if you are in fact 18. Why would you feel the need to be deceitful over such a trivial thing?

[Dravin]

It will be random, and not because of thoughts or anything. It'll just come out of the blue.

Never underestimate the body just checking the plumbing. Sometimes erections just happen. Jennvan's point is valid though, we can train ourselves in all sorts of weird ways, and depending on what kind of frequency you are talking about it may be the explanation for the lion's share.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Dravin

[marshac]

Do what others are saying- it's good advice. I'll just throw this out there though- you could also pursue professional help and pharmacological intervention. Apply the Powell doctrine to your addiction.

http://www.mayoclinicproceedings.com/content/83/2/226.full

[jennvan]

Marshac, Thanks for posting that link to the med intervention. I hadn't seen it before. My addictions professor was adamant that there was no such thing as a behavior addiction, only drug/alcohol addiction. I didn't agree with this. This research leans toward that idea that behavior/images can change the balance of chemicals in the brain. Good things for ongoing research.

[marshac]

My addictions professor was adamant that there was no such thing as a behavior addiction, only drug/alcohol addiction.

Clearly he didn't have a hand in writing the DSM.

[Breaking]

Don't be alone. Stay busy. Don't be selfish (when you have temptation, do something that helps your family instead).

Have you talked to elders (I'm not saying in-depth)? Or gone on splits with them? While missionaries cannot give personal council, they are great company and can keep you busy.

I am quite interested in why your profile would say 26 if you are in fact 18. Why would you feel the need to be deceitful over such a trivial thing?

As for the trivial age thing, I was in such a hurry that I just put in an age so I could post to try to get some suggestions asap.

[apollyon]

Well, my post I was just writing got deleted, which seems to happen a lot on this website.

At any rate, I know exactly what you're going through dude. I have th same problem myself, and I know just how you feel right now.

This whole masturbation/pornography problem is a really annoying one, and it is quite difficult to propose a solution. I started down this road when I was 12 (I'm now 22. Grumble. Can we just be really clear about how embarrassing and depressing it is for me to admit that I have this problem? Thank heavens for the anonymity of the internet). There was a brief two years when I did not have this problem. I had it taken care of for a year before I went on my mission, and then halfway through my mission I slipped back into masturbation and struggled with that for my remaining year. But I hope here to relate to you what I did to stop myself for those two years, in an attempt to help you and myself.

I was in college, and I had actually gone about 2-3 months without having this problem, and one night (after needlessly exposing myself to temptation by staying up late and watching TV, which doesn't improve in quality once you pass 10 o'clock) I fell again, and went through about a week of the depression-masturbation cycle that I'm sure you're familiar with. But at the end of that week, my depression hit the point that I realized how terrible my acts were, and the pain they were really causing me. (BTW, I don't use depression in the clinical/disease sense of the word, but rather in the sense of simply being depressed from the usual happy state) It was then that I made a conscious decision to stop masturbating, and I did my best to stick to that. Ironically enough, during the first month or so of that, I did not read my scriptures, pray, or really do anything spiritual besides attend church. However, I quickly realized that I would need the Lord's help to maintain my success, as "the flesh is weak." Honestly, I never confessed that last episode to my bishop. I had already talked to him several times over the years for the same issue, but that last time I never did, and I'm not sure if that was the best course of action. But that's neither here nor there.

However, one should note that "spirituality" alone will not solve the problem. I mentioned that I have since relapsed, which is an incredibly vexing admission for me. But this I blame not on my lack of spirituality (I was on my mission for crying out loud), but rather for not being diligent is avoiding the temptation, and that problem continues today. I often go a month or two without a problem, but then I inevitably relapse. The key is to make a decision and maintain every effort to stay true to the choice to avoid it at all costs. It is all about self-control. If you're anything like me, that isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.

At any rate, I hope this helps. I think it helped me.

[Breaking]

Well, my post I was just writing got deleted, which seems to happen a lot on this website.

At any rate, I know exactly what you're going through dude. I have th same problem myself, and I know just how you feel right now.

This whole masturbation/pornography problem is a really annoying one, and it is quite difficult to propose a solution. I started down this road when I was 12 (I'm now 22. Grumble. Can we just be really clear about how embarrassing and depressing it is for me to admit that I have this problem? Thank heavens for the anonymity of the internet). There was a brief two years when I did not have this problem. I had it taken care of for a year before I went on my mission, and then halfway through my mission I slipped back into masturbation and struggled with that for my remaining year. But I hope here to relate to you what I did to stop myself for those two years, in an attempt to help you and myself.

I was in college, and I had actually gone about 2-3 months without having this problem, and one night (after needlessly exposing myself to temptation by staying up late and watching TV, which doesn't improve in quality once you pass 10 o'clock) I fell again, and went through about a week of the depression-masturbation cycle that I'm sure you're familiar with. But at the end of that week, my depression hit the point that I realized how terrible my acts were, and the pain they were really causing me. (BTW, I don't use depression in the clinical/disease sense of the word, but rather in the sense of simply being depressed from the usual happy state) It was then that I made a conscious decision to stop masturbating, and I did my best to stick to that. Ironically enough, during the first month or so of that, I did not read my scriptures, pray, or really do anything spiritual besides attend church. However, I quickly realized that I would need the Lord's help to maintain my success, as "the flesh is weak." Honestly, I never confessed that last episode to my bishop. I had already talked to him several times over the years for the same issue, but that last time I never did, and I'm not sure if that was the best course of action. But that's neither here nor there.

However, one should note that "spirituality" alone will not solve the problem. I mentioned that I have since relapsed, which is an incredibly vexing admission for me. But this I blame not on my lack of spirituality (I was on my mission for crying out loud), but rather for not being diligent is avoiding the temptation, and that problem continues today. I often go a month or two without a problem, but then I inevitably relapse. The key is to make a decision and maintain every effort to stay true to the choice to avoid it at all costs. It is all about self-control. If you're anything like me, that isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the truth.

At any rate, I hope this helps. I think it helped me.

Thanks for taking some time and posting. This post like many others has helped me alot and see what I need to continue doing; pressing forward and taking ever needed precaution/action. I'm hoping and praying that I can atleast get on my mission. It's something I think about every day and hope to be able to serve.

[Mute]

I understand so little about what to do, and I've struggled and shed so many tears so often. The addictions of pornography and masturbation has eaten me up from the inside out. I have times where I have great success, where weeks have gone by without me breaking, then I have yet another slip. I decided that I need to find a firm and resolute answer to what I need to do.

I've turned to my Father in Heaven daily, asking for help and strength to overcome these powerful addictions; asking that I may be able to break free from the chains that hold me down and asking with a true intent. I've found this does help, but I still find myself in the dumpsters.

I'm 18 years old, LDS, and I'm here saying I'd give anything a chance or opportunity if it helps me move past these addictions. I'd love to break this 6 year addiction. I'd like to serve a mission, called of God, and be truly worthy. This is something that I personally would like to achieve, but I know it's not possibly with just myself. I'm currently attending the single's ward in my local community, and am almost licensed to work a medical-based job. I have a FIRM testimony of the church, its leaders, and the gospel itself. I also have a firm testimony that this cause is something I should strive for.

Methods that I've tried in the past; many trying simeotaneously:

-Admit I'm addicted to Pornography/Masturbation

-Morning and Evening Scripture Study

-Morning and Evening Prayer

-Serving my community and neighbors with odd-jobs; etc;.

-Talking with my parents/bishop OFTEN (Weekly for Bishop, Daily with Parents)

-Counseling

-Online Programs

-Taking up new hobbies

-Keeping a prayer in my heart through-out the day

-Trying with all my might to keep my thoughts clean and pure (Hum primary hymns)

-Talking with other addicts/ex-addicts about the problem

-Attending Church weekly; with a desire to learn and grow

-Ask for priesthood blessing(s)

Other strategies I've tried were around the lines of going running when I felt the tempation, working on a big project to keep my mind off, and even yelling at the top of my lungs.

I want to change. I'd like to be able to use the priesthood I've been given. I want to change not just for me, but for my future and current family.

I've spent too much time pushing and striving to just give up.

Please; any and all suggestions would be very much so appreciated.

In my personal opinion, masturbation isn't bad and is actually a good thing in many ways and can actually help one avoid a lot of problems but I realize some religions find it wrong. I think all things should be done in moderation. Do what you think is right though.

If not masturbating is something you really want to do, then I would recommend something like the lds church's programs for addiction. It wouldn't cost you anything. I have a brother who goes to one of these. He feels they help him. They may have some ideas to help you through this. Other than that, it seems like you're already trying to do a lot of things to help you stop.

Everyone's body is different. The urge to do this isn't the same for everyone. As for going on a mission, chances are you'll still be able to go. I can't imagine there are no missionaries who do this or who don't at least give in and do it sometimes. I would think what they would be more concerned with is that you're trying. If you do occasionally give in, don't beat yourself up over it.

I've read of more than one incidence where a person was suffering from guilt because they were having difficulty with masturbation. They couldn't live themselves for doing this. They just felt too ashamed. It then ended with the individual taking their own life. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you but I'd prefer you not to go through so much guilt. Just make sure it's because you personally feel it the right choice. I hope you find a way through this. Best of luck.