Cheating

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Deleted

Dear Moderator--Will you please delete this thread? I originally posted it, but I deleted all of my posts in it, except for this one, because I felt it was a breeding ground for harassment. If you will delete this, I would really appreciate it. Thanks. <3

Edited March 16, 2011 by JustAnotherGirl

[slamjet]

First thing is to cut off ALL contact with the other person. And I mean ALL! No email, AIM, Facebook, phone, running into each other, etc. None whatsoever.

Next thing, go talk to your Bishop. He will guide you along to get through this. Because you will be going to him, and not found out, he may not be as hard on you as he could be.

And third, get ready to tell your husband. He will need to know. You will not be able to get past this until you tell him.

Lastly, you need to not dismiss this, but you need to forgive yourself. Start your scripture reading, prayer and church attendance. This will all help you get past the pain and heartache that you will be going through.

All I can say is the other man is not worth it. I used to be that dude. I can assure you that it's all selfish in his mind. You need to stop and think about where you are and where you want to be. Be patient with your Husband because you will need to rebuild his trust in you. It's going to get ugly, but stay close to the church, your Bishop and the Lord and you will get through this.

[NeuroTypical]

I really feel so bad about what I did and want to repent. But I'm so scared. What will happen to me? What repercussions will I have? Do I absolutely Have to tell my spouse? Does anyone know the answers to these things?

If I have anything to suggest, it would be to think about yourself less and think about the lives you're impacting more - especially if you have kids. Then act in their best interests. And yes, it starts by confessing to the bishop.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

We have a difference of perspectives here. It is my perspective that both oneself and others need to be considered. Plus, unless one has ESP, I doubt they would know what is going on inside another person's head under normal circumstances.

[MorningStar]

Yes, you need to tell your husband. Do it before he finds out on his own, because he will. Hiding it will make it worse. There will be a greater chance of him trusting you again if you tell the truth voluntarily.

[I_Believe]

I agree with MorningStar.. been there, done that, got the T-Shirt.

[AGStacker]

If you EVER want to feel good about yourself again you must make your way to repentance. Your life isn't over, although this is very serious, and your husband MUST know. He has to know because that is definitely apart of the repentance process and because if you didn't tell him it would definitely eat at you.

Some hopeful things to look at. You didn't do the deed, S E X, and if your husband truly loves the Lord he should be able to find a way to forgive and forget because if the Savior can do such things surely we can.

I am worried about how you even progressed to become so comfortable with this man and is this something that could happen again with someone else?

Have faith and be strong. Your bishop and husband must know. You can lie and not repent and live unclean or you can confess, repent and feel worthy and loved again. In any path you choose Heavenly Father will always love you but choices have consequences and He has to abide by the rules!

The sooner the better!

[slamjet]

I am worried about how you even progressed to become so comfortable with this man and is this something that could happen again with someone else?

She did mention that she worked with him. That's where the relationship developed. But I will agree that it can happen again if the cause and trigger isn't identified and dealt with.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Trigger? Cause? I don't know--mega attraction + foolishness.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

She did mention that she worked with him. That's where the relationship developed. But I will agree that it can happen again if the cause and trigger isn't identified and dealt with.

...That and I got pressured a LOT by him. Obviously, he doesn't care at all about me. Why did I cave? I wish I hadn't.

[slamjet]

Trigger? Cause? I don't know--mega attraction + foolishness.

Two things you need to sit down and ask yourself why. It may take you way, way back, but it will help you to avoid it in the future.

[slamjet]

...That and I got pressured a LOT by him. Obviously, he doesn't care at all about me. Why did I cave? I wish I hadn't.

But you did. You made a mistake. Time to start learning about yourself and forgive yourself in the process. Good thing is, you don't need to wait for anyone else to start that process. And give yourself a pat on the back for at least not letting it go so far as to create HUGE problems for you and your family (such as pregnancy).

Stay close to teh Church and the Lord. You'll find comfort there.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

Thank you, everyone, for your good words. Somehow, my family and I will make it through this terrible ordeal that I caused. I don't know how, but somehow. At least I hope.

[rex8499]

I just found out a month ago that my wife cheated on me 3 times. So perhaps my thoughts can help prepare you for how your husband will feel.

My wife and I were going through a rough patch and separated for a month, then she fooled around with 2 different guys, one of which was her ex-husband. Like you, no sex, but plenty to be ashamed of. I knew that both of these guys were threats and had tried to put some barriers in place to prevent this from happening, but in her bad state of mind from the separation and event that led to it she used poor judgment as I knew she would be tempted to do.

We were still spending enough time together that I could immediately tell a difference. She was much sadder, crying, nearly suicidal. But for a month she told me nothing. She kept getting worse until finally I prodded enough that she told me what she'd done in a string of sobs. She was so ashamed and hated herself for it. But telling me made her feel a whole lot better quickly.

How did I feel? Angry, betrayed, depressed, sad, and jealous. Especially jealous. But I still love her and want to work through this. Trust can be rebuilt eventually, but it will take time. I forgive her, but forgetting takes time. That she did not have sex with either of them helps the situation a lot. The act itself makes a man much more jealous and angry to think about another man doing that with his wife.

Your decision to cut off all contact with him is right and necessary. Both for your husbands sanity and your protection. My wife agreed to cut off all contact with her ex-husband because this has been an ongoing issue with him trying to seduce her. And that makes me feel a lot better and helps me move on. But with this other guy, she hasn't cut off contact. She thinks he's a good friend, who's helping her in her time of trial and that she's safe enough around him and nothing will happen again. She won't be alone with him anymore, but that's not good enough. She says she's not crossing the line, but she already crossed the line, and stepping back across the line isn't good enough; she needs to step far back AWAY from the line. And she's not. And it cuts me to the core that she wont distance herself from him. Keeps that jealousy and anger boiling hot! I can't put it behind me until the threat has been removed.

So

1) tell him so you can move on and begin repairing things. You're afraid of hurting him, and it will. It will be like stabbing him in the chest. But hiding it from him will kill him and you with thousands of little cuts over time.

2) distance yourself from dude so your husband and worry about moving on and forgiving you instead of protecting you from this threat.

3) talk with your bishop about it to complete the repentance. You might face a disciplinary hearing even, but his job is to help you get back on track, not punish you.

If you do those things, hopefully your husband can see that you are truly repentant and move on. Anything less and it hurts the relationship more.

3 years ago it was revealed that my father in law had had an affair 35 years ago. Having hid it for so long, the damage to his marriage is permanent now, even though he finally came forward. Don't wait.

My heart is with you and your husband.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have an alternate perspective. A woman once confided in me that she'd been unfaithful multiple times with someone. She got pregnant and didn't know which man was the father, and one of her partners was a of a different race. A DNA test showed that her husband was the father, thank goodness.

She saw a counselor, and he told her that when one spouse tells the other "nothing good has ever come of it" in his experience. She never told her husband, stopped what she was doing, and is still happily married. She was pretty sure he would've left her if she had told him.

I know the prophets say you should tell your husband, but I throw this out as another perspective from someone who has seen the after-effects over and over again. You can decide. Personally, I would probably beat myself up over this for a while and resolve NEVER to let it happen again.

I was in this situation once, by the way. I never did anything in appropriate, but my heart was in love. I did something intentionally to DEEPLY HURT the other woman so she would leave me alone. It hurt to do it, but it worked. I can still say that I have always been physically faithful to my wife, and have never been inappropriately alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom I'm attracted.

[rex8499]

That might work in some cases, but the OP is clearly torn up enough over it that it's not the right course of action for her.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I have an alternate perspective. A woman once confided in me that she'd been unfaithful multiple times with someone. She got pregnant and didn't know which man was the father, and one of her partners was a of a different race. A DNA test showed that her husband was the father, thank goodness.

She saw a counselor, and he told her that when one spouse tells the other "nothing good has ever come of it" in his experience. She never told her husband, stopped what she was doing, and is still happily married. She was pretty sure he would've left her if she had told him.

I know the prophets say you should tell your husband, but I throw this out as another perspective from someone who has seen the after-effects over and over again. You can decide. Personally, I would probably beat myself up over this for a while and resolve NEVER to let it happen again.

I was in this situation once, by the way. I never did anything in appropriate, but my heart was in love. I did something intentionally to DEEPLY HURT the other woman so she would leave me alone. It hurt to do it, but it worked. I can still say that I have always been physically faithful to my wife, and have never been inappropriately alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom I'm attracted.

My bishop told me I didn't need to tell my husband what we did. So I won't. It seems very counterproductive and hurtful to tell my husband. I really just need to safeguard myself and my family to ensure I am stronger so I never, ever, ever do this again. It is so not worth it.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I just found out a month ago that my wife cheated on me 3 times. So perhaps my thoughts can help prepare you for how your husband will feel.

My wife and I were going through a rough patch and separated for a month, then she fooled around with 2 different guys, one of which was her ex-husband. Like you, no sex, but plenty to be ashamed of. I knew that both of these guys were threats and had tried to put some barriers in place to prevent this from happening, but in her bad state of mind from the separation and event that led to it she used poor judgment as I knew she would be tempted to do.

We were still spending enough time together that I could immediately tell a difference. She was much sadder, crying, nearly suicidal. But for a month she told me nothing. She kept getting worse until finally I prodded enough that she told me what she'd done in a string of sobs. She was so ashamed and hated herself for it. But telling me made her feel a whole lot better quickly.

How did I feel? Angry, betrayed, depressed, sad, and jealous. Especially jealous. But I still love her and want to work through this. Trust can be rebuilt eventually, but it will take time. I forgive her, but forgetting takes time. That she did not have sex with either of them helps the situation a lot. The act itself makes a man much more jealous and angry to think about another man doing that with his wife.

Your decision to cut off all contact with him is right and necessary. Both for your husbands sanity and your protection. My wife agreed to cut off all contact with her ex-husband because this has been an ongoing issue with him trying to seduce her. And that makes me feel a lot better and helps me move on. But with this other guy, she hasn't cut off contact. She thinks he's a good friend, who's helping her in her time of trial and that she's safe enough around him and nothing will happen again. She won't be alone with him anymore, but that's not good enough. She says she's not crossing the line, but she already crossed the line, and stepping back across the line isn't good enough; she needs to step far back AWAY from the line. And she's not. And it cuts me to the core that she wont distance herself from him. Keeps that jealousy and anger boiling hot! I can't put it behind me until the threat has been removed.

So

1) tell him so you can move on and begin repairing things. You're afraid of hurting him, and it will. It will be like stabbing him in the chest. But hiding it from him will kill him and you with thousands of little cuts over time.

2) distance yourself from dude so your husband and worry about moving on and forgiving you instead of protecting you from this threat.

3) talk with your bishop about it to complete the repentance. You might face a disciplinary hearing even, but his job is to help you get back on track, not punish you.

If you do those things, hopefully your husband can see that you are truly repentant and move on. Anything less and it hurts the relationship more.

3 years ago it was revealed that my father in law had had an affair 35 years ago. Having hid it for so long, the damage to his marriage is permanent now, even though he finally came forward. Don't wait.

My heart is with you and your husband.

I am so sorry about your wife. I hope everything goes better for you in your relationship.

[rex8499]

Just one last thought. I didn't think I wanted to know the specifics of what she'd done with them, and she didn't offer anything more than "passionate making out", but what I found was that my mind was in agony not know and trying to imagine all the different things that could have happened and might be involved in such a description. I finally asked her just to tell me specifics so that I could stop imagining things and just know and then work to forgive and forget it. After the she told me exactly what she'd done it helped a lot in getting over it. Some of the things I'd been imagining were much worse than reality...some of them, not all.

So no, you don't need to tell him. He might be better off not knowing, especially if reality is worse than anything he might imagine up. But for myself, I finally decided I was better off knowing, and I think that it was the right decision for me. So if your husband really wants to know specifics, you might consider telling him. It seems like it would only hurt him worse, but for some reason it helped me to know. Easier to forgive when I know exactly what I'm forgiving maybe. It's ultimately up to you, but I would recommend keeping an open mind about that aspect of it.

[prophetofdoom]

My bishop told me I didn't need to tell my husband what we did. So I won't. It seems very counterproductive and hurtful to tell my husband. I really just need to safeguard myself and my family to ensure I am stronger so I never, ever, ever do this again. It is so not worth it.

I am a little surprised he told you that. Make sure to CUT OFF all contact with the other individual. I would block phones numbers, facebooks, emails, whatever to get over this and move on. The consequences may still loom... your husband may find out one day... the church can't do anything about that.

Edited March 8, 2011 by prophetofdoom

[slamjet]

I am a little surprised he told you that.

Yea, so was I, but we have to realize that she's going to tell her Bishop many things she's not going to, nor should she disclose on this board. So without all the information, all we can do is give advice with what we have, and let her decide.

People come to this board not to be told what to do, but for suggestions, advice, and to see if they're thinking is more or less correct. We need to keep this in mind when we dispense whatever words of experience we give. If they come here wanting us to decide for them, well, only disaster awaits.

[rex8499]

I was thinking she meant that the Bishop said she doesn't need to tell her husband the specifics of what happened. "What we did." I imagine he probably told her that she needs to tell her husband that she cheated though. I guess we need clarification.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I am a little surprised he told you that. Make sure to CUT OFF all contact with the other individual. I would block phones numbers, facebooks, emails, whatever to get over this and move on. The consequences may still loom... your husband may find out one day... the church can't do anything about that.[/quote

Good advice. Yes, my husband may find out, but I still don't think I should tell him at this point.

[Guest JustAnotherGirl]

I was thinking she meant that the Bishop said she doesn't need to tell her husband the specifics of what happened. "What we did." I imagine he probably told her that she needs to tell her husband that she cheated though. I guess we need clarification.

Nah, he didn't tell me that I had to tell my husband anything. My husband actually knows about this man. I told my husband about him a long time ago. I told my husband that I was having troubles because I wanted to stop talking to the man, whom I have moved far away from, and was having difficulty. I told my bishop (without him asking) that I told my husband about the man in general. But that I didn't tell him what we did.

My bishop told me I didn't need to tell my husband what I did with the man.

[slamjet]

I was thinking she meant that the Bishop said she doesn't need to tell her husband the specifics of what happened. "What we did." I imagine he probably told her that she needs to tell her husband that she cheated though. I guess we need clarification.

Careful with the word "clarification." it's unfair to ask that when it comes to personal matters. Doctrine, yes, personal, no.