when he wants an excuse to leave.. should I give him one?

[TootsieBlue]

Hi,

my husband and I have been married for 13 years, we are sealed in the temple and have 6 children.

we are going through a hard time, as we do quite often.

He's told me 'all I need to do is say the word and he's gone'

is he just waiting on the excuse, and should I just tell him to go?

13 years of arguing and destruction of our relationship. Should I keep trying or should I just tell him to go?

I cant talk to anyone close about this obviously.

[slamjet]

When I had this happen to me once, I told her that it was her choice. That I wanted to work on the relationship but if she was that unhappy to decide for herself. I was not going to be the one responsible for the breakup because it's not my wish to do so. In my mind the whole time, I'm thinking "why do I have to be the one to decide this and why are you telling me this? Could it be that you don't want to be blamed for the failed relationship? Is it because you're trying to guilt me into something?" In the end it ended up us discussing the matter in an adult manner and both deciding that it was over and that we both needed to move on because we were in different places.

Don't know if that helps, but it seems to me you both need to talk this over and decide if you're going to keep it going or not. I also suggest you talk to your Bishop, both of you together. He may be able to guide you along. Ultimately, It's both of your decision whether to stay married or not.

[Gwen]

are you ready for it to be over? do you think there is any hope? i would be wondering if either he's wanting to go and he's not willing to make the decision so he's pushing it on you.... or... he's saying what he thinks you want to hear, giving you that out, but desperately wanting to hear you say you want him.

if you want out then you have the option. if you don't then i suggest you look into some of the suggestions here (http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html) and see if you can't improve things before making that decision.

when it comes to divorce and kids there is no "greener grass" on the other side. just different problems and less control. don't think life will get easier, just musical chairs with what is hard.

[NeuroTypical]

we are sealed in the temple and have 6 children.

...

should I just tell him to go?

Are your children grown and out of the house? If not, just be aware that whatever answer you give your husband, your children will incorporate into their own lives as an acceptable answer. You will be role modeling their future behavior.

Choose wisely.

[MorningStar]

Have you tried counseling yet? I doubt he means it. If he did, wouldn't he initiate it himself?

[Soulsearcher]

Have you tried counseling yet? I doubt he means it. If he did, wouldn't he initiate it himself?

Why initiate when you can turn the other party into the bad guy and lay all the blame at their feet claiming to be the victim? Not the best logic, but it's there in the minds of some.

[MorningStar]

My friend's husband would bring up divorce most times they fought. When he said it while they were visiting her family in Ireland, she felt stronger and safe, so she said, "Yeah, why don't you go get the divorce papers?" That just made him more angry. He didn't mean it. It was his way of trying to get her to make whatever changes he wanted.

[Guest]

Next time he says that to you, respond with, "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay and love me with all your heart and soul. If you'd rather go than do that, then there's the door."

[rameumptom]

Tell him that you want him to go to counseling with you. After 13 years of arguing, why not fix the problems and repair the relationship, rather than just ending it? Does he think you or he could do any better in a new relationship? Odds are, without counseling and changing, neither of you could.

Go to counseling with him. Make yourselves the best marriage there is! (and it is much cheaper than divorce, too).

[TootsieBlue]

thanks guys,

I dont think he would go to counselling, well maybe if i was about to walk out the door he would.

He's an eccentric man and a bit flighty to be honest. Once he calms down he knows that we are better off together as I do.

Our eldest is only 11 and our youngest is 3. Even if we couldn't stand the sight of each other we'd stay together for the sake of the kids. He would only leave if I kicked him out, then he goes away blameless and I would only leave if he was physically abusive. Though he can be mouthy and emotionally hurtful, he's more likely to hurt himself than lash out at anyone.

I know this time is an accumulation of things, financial and kids and sleep, or lack thereof.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take him up on his offer and just boot him out when he's being such an idiot and wont calm down. and he'll say. 'tell me to go and i'll go'

well anyway, its all died down now and I know he loves me, I know he values our temple marriage and our children. We both know the grass is not greener.

Ok,

I'll stick through it all.

thanks for you help :)

[sweetiepie]

Hi, I too have been where you are, and our situations seem so similar. We have been married 13 years, and have 5 children.

No magic advice, but you need counseling, even if it is just for you. But really try for marriage counseling. If I could sum it up in a sentence, if you would both look towards the other and each other's needs, everything else seems to work out. I know that it isn't fair if you are the one to do it, and the other is being selfish, but all you can do is what HF wants for you to do. The rest falls to the other person.

If you would like to pm me and talk more specifically, I would love to share more with you and be there to listen.

[TootsieBlue]

thanks sweetiepie x

[leila]

When he says that next time, tell him to stop saying that since you do not want him to go. If he keeps saying and does not stop it, then leave asap. The sooner the better.

[pam]

My ex used to threaten to leave and divorce all the time. I finally called his bluff one day and here I am single for 12 years and not a moments regret.

[Iggy]

<<snip>> I would only leave if he was physically abusive. Though he can be mouthy and emotionally hurtful, he's more likely to hurt himself than lash out at anyone.

Verbal abuse IS abuse. I know, I was a victim of verbal abuse, back in the time when all enforcement agencies refused to accept that verbal, mental and emotional abuse was just as destructive as physical abuse.

well anyway, its all died down now and I know he loves me, I know he values our temple marriage and our children. We both know the grass is not greener.

Ok,

I'll stick through it all.

thanks for you help :)

Each time things calm down and he is sweet, nice and charming- that is called the "Honeymoon" phase of abuse.

You need to go get counseling. You are the one who is asking for help, so go get it. You have a temple marriage, thus you are LDS, so go to your Bishop and ask how do you get the help from LDS Social Services. YOU do it. Don't wait for husband to agree - he won't, not until he sees the benefits YOU are getting from the counseling. Do it for yourself, and for the mental health of your children. By continuing with this see-sawing battle of emotional, verbal abuse you both are teaching your children to be abusers and victims.