Why does the spouse of one who has affair not allowed to know disciplinary action?

[Jenamarie]

In answer to the questions I think it is easy for all to say she doesn't need to know. But since they were not divorced until long after the sin it would seem at the time she should have known. Also, it appears nothing was done. And I think it just makes her feel that where was the church for her. He does not provide all the financial support mandated in the divorce either. And what about the ordinaces for the child that will be done in the future. Shouldn't she know if he is not to give blessings and perform ordinances? He did participate in ordinances already when he was not supposed to.

This is not meant to bring negative comments toward the church or anything of the sort. Just a question on if this is policy or a case by case basis?

From the limited information given by the OP in this thread, the bolded makes me feel that this spouse doesn't understand the purpose of disciplinary councils. Did she expect the Church to exact some sort of punishment against the cheating spouse? Was she hoping to see the church deal out some sort of "comeuppance" to him? Because that's not what they're in the business of. They're in the business of bringing souls to Christ. Disciplinary councils are to aid the person in repenting of their sin and being made clean again. It is in no way meant to "even the score" between the sinner and the person(s) harmed by their actions.

Also, they can only base their decisions on the information they have. Perhaps "nothing was done" because the cheating spouse lied through his teeth, and so there wasn't sufficient evidence to justify an excommunication or other such action. That is not the Church's fault, that is the liar's fault, and he will face the consequences of his lies when he stands before a Higher Judge. Would you want the Church being able to look through your financial records and court orders -without your permission- to make sure you're paying your dues and meeting your court obligations? And what purpose would it serve in building up the Kingdom of God? Being caught red-handed isn't likely to bring an unrepentant soul closer to true repentance.

[slamjet]

I do believe it is prudent to add here that if the OP is not the one dealing with this situation, but a friend, it would be wise to not get involved in this matter. As a friend, you need to be there for love and support. You also need to realize that this is an intensely private issue between your friend, her ex and the Church. I would suggest you leave this part be. There is no better way to destroy a friendship than to poke and prod into private issues no matter how sincere the motive is.

Just be there for her to laugh with, cry with and all around be a good person to be with. Leave everything else alone.

[Palerider]

depending on the situation I might tell the spouse....it just depends on several factors...thats just me...each Bishop is different

[Palerider]

LOL Just a lil, right Pale?

yes....just a little....:D

[Blackmarch]

Why does the spouse not allowd to know the disciplinary action taken against husband who had an affair? She ended up divorcing him finally but was not able to know what if any action was taken by the church even though she is still sealed to him and caring for their child.

Without further knowledge on the given situation-

It's generally not the church's role to notify others about an individuals choices, actions, and or situations.. especially in very sensitive cases like this. That's the husbands job (should he decide to repent).

About the only thing where I can see exceptions to that is if the situation is illegal (Notifying authorities), or if it's one where someone is in physical danger in some manner.

[dontunderstand]

Just want to out out there that sometimes it seems everyone is so into protecting the sinner we forget about the innocent spouse and children. This is a man who was a returned missionary who made temple covenants. I do not think breaking those covenants should be taken so lightly. If it is not a big deal to break them then why have them. Yea I get it he is a liar and a manipultor and it wants to be said well there is nothing that can be done if he lies. Well what about protecting the next victim. The affair was admitted to so they have enough. A child is left fatherless crying everyday. Is that not important too?

And by the way what is the point of a disciplinary council that does not hold these priesthood holders accountable? This man has never been held accountable by anyone. Thank goodness at least after this life he will. There is nothing wrong with expecting priesthood authority to hold the wicked accountable.

So may this never happen to your daughter or grandchild.

[FunkyTown]

I think you misunderstand repentence to be writing this.

Repentence is not vengeance. It is not justice. It is not closure for the victims. All of those things can be gotten, but that's not the purpose of the church.

Repentence is a turning away by the victim, returning to God. It is the crying out of a soul who wants to be righteous again. He can't change the past, or the horrible things he did. Repentence is his act of trying to get right with God, through the miracle of the Atonement.

I'm sorry you're not getting closure over how you were hurt. I'm sorry you aren't getting vengeance over how you were wronged. I'm sorry you don't feel that his punishment is equal to his crime. But that isn't really the Church's job.

If we all got the punishment equal to our crime, we'd all be lost permanently to sin. We'd all be damned. Don't be sad that repentence doesn't require that your ex-husband be dragged through the streets and flogged. Rejoice that it means when you make mistakes(And you will), that you won't be dragged through the streets and flogged.

Just want to out out there that sometimes it seems everyone is so into protecting the sinner we forget about the innocent spouse and children. This is a man who was a returned missionary who made temple covenants. I do not think breaking those covenants should be taken so lightly. If it is not a big deal to break them then why have them. Yea I get it he is a liar and a manipultor and it wants to be said well there is nothing that can be done if he lies. Well what about protecting the next victim. The affair was admitted to so they have enough. A child is left fatherless crying everyday. Is that not important too?

And by the way what is the point of a disciplinary council that does not hold these priesthood holders accountable? This man has never been held accountable by anyone. Thank goodness at least after this life he will. There is nothing wrong with expecting priesthood authority to hold the wicked accountable.

So may this never happen to your daughter or grandchild.

[Dravin]

This man has never been held accountable by anyone.

And how do you know this without knowing what happened in the disciplinary council for starters? And what does being held accountable have to do with the Church announcing what happened in a disciplinary council to others? Actually the fact that there was a disciplinary council means the was held accountable for his actions by the Church, he would have had to account to them to the church.

I do not think breaking those covenants should be taken so lightly.

And you know this without knowing what took place in the disciplinary council how? Did he or the other council participators tell you that they had a grand old time laughing about the whole matter or something?

If we all got the punishment equal to our crime, we'd all be lost permanently to sin. We'd all be damned. Don't be sad that repentence doesn't require that your ex-husband be dragged through the streets and flogged. Rejoice that it means when you make mistakes(And you will), that you won't be dragged through the streets and flogged.

I think that's something a lot of people tend to forget. That according to justice the OP and the ex-wife are as equally qualifying for damnation as the ex-husband in question even if indeed he did lie about the whole matter and has made no effort at repentance.

Edited March 9, 2011 by Dravin

[Just_A_Guy]

Well what about protecting the next victim. The affair was admitted to so they have enough. A child is left fatherless crying everyday. Is that not important too?

I don't mean this as a condemnation of you specifically--we all engage in a little self-deception from time to time when we need our indignation to be righteous, and it sounds like you're in a difficult place right now.

But I'm going to suggest that, beneath the rhetoric, you don't really believe this. If you did--you would have already done something far more drastic (and of far more dubious legality) than what you're contemplating.

The divorce proceedings are a matter of public record. Anyone who wants to research the guy, will probably hear about the accusations with or without the Church publicly saying anything.

[slamjet]

So may this never happen to your daughter or grandchild.

In a certain sense, It's happened to me and my family.

When it happens, it's a really shameful, embarrassing things to take and live with. So I'm not surprised that he hasn't told a soul. You need to move on and let him be. I remember an anecdote from when I was in my youth when a man chased his ex-wife around and made sure the leadership in all the wards she lived in were told of her indiscretion, even though she went through the disciplinary process. He was finally told that he needed to stop or his church membership would be in question. As I mentioned in other posts, I've even had a person go up to my Bishop and tell him they were not pleased that I was attending church. What business of his was it to contend with in the first place? Where was his compassion? Who made it so he was to judge me as to whether I am permitted to walk through the doors of the chapel?

Judgment is in the hands of those who are called to dispense it. As my Stake President told me last night, he cannot give me forgiveness. Only the Lord can, and I need to seek after it. If that's what this person did or didn't do, then why are you harping on this? What business is this of yours or his wife's? She needs to deal with him because of the children She need not go any further than that. When it comes to his church standing, let it be. It will only serve to make you and the ex-wife bitter. And that's not the Spirit of Christ working in you both.

Edited March 9, 2011 by slamjet
Edit: Dravin, the spell-check police, strikes again.

[Jennarator]

I can see how the person who shinned wouldn't want anyone to know. And how sad and awful when others judge.

What seems odd to me is that the couple are not close enough that one would tell the other. For me, I would think it was more of a trust issue. I would be more ready to end the marraige because there was a huge elephant in the room that nobody could talk about. I would rather my mater confide in me and know that he can go thru this with me. If I found out that all of this happened later, I would certianly be more upset than if he told me at the beginning.

I hope and pray that my husband feels that when he makes a mistake, and all of us do, he can come to me and we can work things out together.

I think a huge reason for my first marriage failing was the lack of cummincation and trust.

[Dravin]

I remember an antidote from when I was in my youth when a man chased his ex-wife around and made sure the leadership in all the wards she lived in were told of her indiscretion, even though she went through the disciplinary process. He was finally told that he needed to stop or his church membership would be in question.

Do you mean anecdote? You may need to beat your spell checker into submission. :)

[slamjet]

Do you mean anecdote? You may need to beat your spell checker into submission. :)

Spell check? What spell check?