Not sure what to do... literally tearing me apart!!

[Hayky3126]

Hello everyone!

I'm not even sure where to begin. I am 25 years old and have already been married, divorced and have two children. My story starts about two years ago... after my ex husband and I divorced, I met my current boyfriend. When we first got together I was attending a singles ward. After about two months, things came up and I started making excuses for not wanting to attend church. Several months.later, my boyfriend bought a house and I moved in with him. We have been here for about a year and a half. Over the the last few weeks I have had terrible anxiety/panic attacks. I have been praying a lot lately and keep my parents in the loop with everything and they have been such a great support system. Here's where it gets tough. My boyfriend is wonderful and everything I could ever want except for he is NOT LDS and has no desire to become a member. His family.is Greek Orthodox and I think they have a major influence in how he feels.

Since I have been praying a lot lately, I KNOW I need to go back to church and get my life back in order. Problem is my boyfriend is starting to see the effects going back to church is having on me. He doesn't mind that I attend church but its becoming much more intense for both if us than that. Our sex life has become non-existent and its destroying him. I know that's because I know that doing that outside of marriage is wrong.

So my question is... do I just continue going back to church and seeing what happens later on down the road or do I end it and start over again but this time not giving into temptation? Let me explain again my bf us WONDERFUL. He puts up with so much and has stuck with me through thick and thin. I'm so confused... and honestly will do anything to rid me of this terrible anxiety. Help please....

[Family_Man]

To begin, let me explain how I can relate. I was born into the church, served a mission and attended a single's ward where despite my not being real sociable, I attended regularly. Than I met my wife, who was a divorced mother of 3 and a nonmember. Worse, she was adamant that she would never join the church. We moved in together, and suprise suprise my church attendance decreased until it stopped altogether.

It took many years and many miracles, but eventually my wife was able to see why the church was a good aspect to have in our lives, and now she and all of our children (except the youngest) is a member, and the two of us are sealed for time and eternity.

If your boyfriend is as amazing as you say he is, then you need to do one of two things. Either get married or move out. You know that your church attendance is going to bless you and your children. If you demonstrate your faith to your boyfriend, it could have a profound effect on him.

Now I am not sure how either of you feel about getting married, but if you did then you would at least be able to stay with him while going back to church. As we are directed in the scriptures, we can either carry our burdens ourselves or have the Lord help us. And when we chose to have Him help us, He will take them away from us.

[rameumptom]

Sadly, this is why it is much better to always keep the commandments than to sin and try to repent. The repentance requires big sacrifices.

The reality is, you were one type of person when you and your boyfriend moved in together. You now want to be someone different. He has the right to expect you not to change in the relationship to the point where major things change for him.

So, unless he is willing to make some big changes also (which sounds like he really does not want to), then you are going to have to make a big decision: him or the Church.

If you stay with him, in the short term the relationship will continue well. But eventually you again may want to change, and this will flare up again. If not, then at the end of this life, the Lord will ask you why you did not keep your covenants of chastity, etc. The two of you will then be separate for eternity.

If you choose the Church, and your boyfriend does not want to adapt, then you will have to separate from him now. This will be tough in the short term, but will open the door for eternal temple blessings in the long run that will last forever.

Your choice. The right choice is rarely the easiest in the short term.

[findingmyway]

Keep praying. Also, if you havent yet , kneel and pray with your other half.

You and your other half both seem like a wonderful couple. Maybe you two can sit down , write all the goals you have, temporal and spiritual and discuss it as a couple.

Marriage..... i suggest to do it when youre ready, not out of obligation. Keep discussing it as a couple.

I have suggestions and opinions, but true answers come from your Heavenly Father. Keep drawing closer to him and he will draw closer to you and guide you. Youre anxiety needs to be replaced by peace, and I wish you, and your boyfriend, and the children all the best.

[NeuroTypical]

Where are your kids? Are they all moved in with you at your boyfriend's house?

[Hayky3126]

Thank you so much for your replies. As you could see all my thoughts and fears have been keeping me up so late.

I realize you all say I need to decide but I am having such a hard time with both choices. It hurts me so much to see myself letting such a great guy go for the unknown. But it also hurts me to just sit around and keep false hope up for my boyfriend as I'm sure he sees it.

We spoke on Saturday night for a few hours and he has told me that if I end up leaving him because of religion, that he doesnt fault me for that and he would allow me to live there until I find a place, etc, etc... but to think of him finding somebody else just kills me! I didnt care when my ex and I split up. It was wonderful... Not once did I look back. But I can tell how much I love him because of how much I care, but its not right to deny him myself now when before none of this mattered, right?

findingmyway- I wish it was easy enough to ask him to pray with me, but its not. He told me he talks to God all the time but its not really praying. I used to have him join us for family prayer when I would tuck my kids in at night and he would do it, but you could see he was very uncomfortable.

Marriage- I would love to marry this man but in order to do that would mean I would have to give up my eternal companionship for "til death do us part." And as someone else stated- eventually I would let it go but all my feelings would come back and then I would have to go through a divorce rather than just breaking up with someone.

Ugh, this is all just too much. Isnt it said that God will only give you things that you can handle?? He must believe me to be a much stronger person than I see myself.

rameumptom- Yes, I would love to have never put myself in this position to begin with, but some people you just fall in love with and its hard to deny it. When we first got together, we brought up the religion aspect of things and we both decided that we would eventually cross that bridge if we had to. I had no idea all this would happen so soon and when things are so good between us. It just seems unfair either way you look at it. Thank you for your input though.

Family_Man- I am very happy for you and your family that you can have that eternal bond forever. I honestly think if my boyfriends mom wasnt so ANTI our religion it would change his outlook on a lot of things but his mom has told me time and time again, that she expects us to get married in their church. I asked my mom about this and she said, I would have to give up my religion to join theirs. I dont believe in that at all. My boyfriend has said we can get married civially but overall im not sure if thats what I want. As you can see, i really dont know what I want.

My family has been telling me for quite some time that the anxiety I feel all the time is a spiritual war going on with my body to help me understand that what I am doing is right and Satan is the one making this very hard on me.

I think I know what I need to do, but it just seems so unfair when just a few weeks ago, we were both so happy....

[Hayky3126]

Where are your kids? Are they all moved in with you at your boyfriend's house?

Its a really long story but my children are with my ex husband in Texas. Trust me its not the ideal situation and I honestly am doing everything I can to find my ex a job so he can move back here with them.

Why do you ask that?

[slamjet]

Why do you ask that?

Because your #1 priority is your children. Not your boyfriend, not your ex-husband. But your children.

You know what to do to get back on the right track. You need to decide whether you want to do it or not and live with the consequences. Quite frankly, you're reaping the consequences of your decisions right now.

If there's one fallacy that's held by some members of this church is that we need to qualify for God's love. WRONG! We have that love. He loves you. There is nothing you can do for him not to love you. Another fallacy is that he cannot help you until you turn to him for help. WRONG! He is much, much more involved in all our lives than we realize. What we need to do is turn our focus to Him and his commandments for us. You now know that the yoke of the adversary is heavy and fraught with disappointments. Jettison that yoke and put on the yoke of Christ, which is light and is eager to forgive.

You need to choose. Your boyfriend, your children. No Church or a life filled with the Church. Rebel against the Gospel or come back into line with the Gospel. You are the only one who can chose. All of us can only tell you what the consequences of our choices are.

[JudoMinja]

It is certainly hard to make such a big decision when we cannot see the road that follows. If you marry your boyfriend will he eventually join the church? You don't know. If you leave your boyfriend will he see how the church blesses you and join? You don't know. Will you find happiness with someone else? You don't know. All the unknowns make things very very hard, and it is especially difficult to make a decision that causes you to change your present state. You know you have happiness in your current situation, and it is hard to give that up for the unknown.

However, I can tell you that you would not have had that inkling, that desire to become more active in the church if you didn't feel that something was lacking. You may be happy in the present situation with your boyfriend, but that happiness is not FULL. There is still a hole that cannot be filled, because you are in a situation that can only be temporary. You do not necessarily have to choose between your boyfriend and your religion. If you want to get married and he wants to get married, and you are both willing to allow the other to practice their own religion, you can have both. What you will be giving up by making such a decision is the blessings of eternity. Your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to be only temporary unless he decides that he wants what you have in the church as well, and you have no way of knowing whether or not he will make such a decision somewhere down the line.

So, instead of looking at all the unknowns look at what you DO know. You know what you have with your boyfriend and that it makes you happy. You also know that despite your happiness it is incomplete. As you were once active in the church you know what happiness the church can bring. If you have a strong testimony in the gospel, you know what blessings you can receive for living it. You have to decide whether the "unknown" God has promised is worth giving up your temporary happiness, whether your temporary happiness is worth giving up your faith, or whether you would rather hold on to your boyfriend AND your faith without having the blessing of eternity. Only you can decide.

Based on the knowledge you DO have, instead of worrying about the unknowns, which would be your best decision? Pray about that decision. The Lord will give you his input, but it is then still up to you to decide.

[Family_Man]

Although it is hard, dual religion marriages and families can work. It sounds like this is worth it to you. I would aproach your boyfriend about the possability of marriage, maybe he would realize that you are too important to him to lose?

[Hayky3126]

Although it is hard, dual religion marriages and families can work. It sounds like this is worth it to you. I would aproach your boyfriend about the possability of marriage, maybe he would realize that you are too important to him to lose?

My thinking on this is prob. not of the norm, but WHY would I marry someone not of my faith and not be able to fully commit to them? Yes, he is completely worth it

We have spoken a lot about marriage and both dont see that as a wise choice for us. I am so all over the place and feel so lost.

When I have brought up the fact of leaving him to become fully engaged in the church, he has mentioned he needs to be loved and feel wanted. So that doesnt make me feel very important for him lose. I dont know, does that come across wrong?

[JudoMinja]

My thinking on this is prob. not of the norm, but WHY would I marry someone not of my faith and not be able to fully commit to them? Yes, he is completely worth it

We have spoken a lot about marriage and both dont see that as a wise choice for us. I am so all over the place and feel so lost.

When I have brought up the fact of leaving him to become fully engaged in the church, he has mentioned he needs to be loved and feel wanted. So that doesnt make me feel very important for him lose. I dont know, does that come across wrong?

Sounds to me like thats just his way of saying he doesn't want your religion to come between you- that he wants you to put him above church. Depending on your circumstances it could have been a very innocent statement simply expressing his hurt that you would consider leaving him for your religion, or it could be a dangerous sign that he will always be expecting you to put his needs first.

Explain to him that when you met, you were personally struggling with your faith and did not really care so much about adhering to your beliefs. Now though, you know that this is something you need in your life, and due to your beliefs you will either need to leave him or marry him- no in between. Explain how much you are struggling with this decision because you love him and see how he handles it. You can use his reactions to help you judge which decision is best.

Ask him if he would be willing to support your involvement in the church. Explain everything that you will be doing and not doing as an active member. If you find that he is not going to be supportive of a mixed-religion relationship then you really do need to choose between him and your religion. Personally, I would choose religion even without considering the eternal side of things, because his lack of support is evidence that the relationship is not really worth keeping no matter how strongly you feel about him.

Talking with him about it will reveal whether or not his statement was a simple hurt or something to be concerned about.

Of the three decisions I outlined, each has their consequences only some of which will be in your control. Some of those consequence will be temporal, others eternal. Try to outline all of the possible consequences and determine which you would be willing to live with.

Remember though, that only one of those choices guarantees you will receive temple blessings. That is the decision to leave him and fullly embrace the church. You may or may not find someone else to marry in the temple in this instance, but as long as you are living worthily you will have the opportunity to receive those blessings. Choosing to stay with him and forget the LDS church or to attempt to have both in a mixed-religion marriage will cause you to lose out on that opportunity.

[MorningStar]

My suggestion is to try moving out and continue dating on a chaste level. Then see where that takes you. I had a friend who went through the same thing, only her boyfriend was Catholic. Once she returned to church, she moved out of his bedroom and then moved out of the state. They had many talks about his joining the church, but that's not what he chose.

You never know what will happen though. :)

[Family_Man]

My thinking on this is prob. not of the norm, but WHY would I marry someone not of my faith and not be able to fully commit to them? Yes, he is completely worth it

We have spoken a lot about marriage and both dont see that as a wise choice for us. I am so all over the place and feel so lost.

When I have brought up the fact of leaving him to become fully engaged in the church, he has mentioned he needs to be loved and feel wanted. So that doesnt make me feel very important for him lose. I dont know, does that come across wrong?

I can see why people would tell you that it is not worth the effort, or the risk of falling inactive. I fell into the inactive category, and if it wasn't for a fellow Soldier on my first deployment, I would probably still be inactive. HOWEVER, there was a fellow Soldier who dragged me to church, and then when I had the opportunity I dragged my children to church (my wife still said no). Then a mysterious and marvelous thing took place, and my wife's heart softened towards the church, It still took a few more years, but she did join.

I for one could not be happier or luckier. I firmly believe that I was supposed to meet my wife and help her and my kids join the church. I wasn't supposed to go about it the way I did, but Heavenly Father had back up plans in place to ensure we got where we were supposed to be.

I am not in your shoes, but if you love your boyfriend, and he loves you, then I would not turn completely away from him. That said, you clearly need to marry or move out and quit having pre marital activities. It sounds like you have the faith needed to start the process, and I would wager with a little work and time, you will find that your testimony and faith are strong enough to support your relationship. You simply have to take the steps required to feed your testimony, and then let your spirit be a tentpole to others in your life.

[FunkyTown]

When I first read the title, I really wanted to know what was literally tearing you apart.

"Is it wild horses?" I asked myself.

"Perhaps some kind of mechanism with metal chains pulling in all other directions?"

"How is she typing when she is literally being pulled apart instead of figuratively?"

Then, I read the thread and realized it wasn't literal. So... I guess I'm happy you're not literally being torn apart, but I have no advice.

[Obolus]

I agree with Slamjet in that you should put your children first.

In the long term, what you decide here and now will have a far reaching impact on their lives and decisions. If you decide to leave your bf now for a chance at something eternal, it will be difficult for you but will forever communicate to them how important those eternal blessings are to you.

When Alma the younger faced the crisis of losing his soul, he thought back to his father's words about Christ. The combination of his father's words and example caused Alma to reach out to Christ, and thus literally saved him. Alma the younger's conversion had immense consequences for untold numbers of people.

Similarly, your children have comparable trials waiting for them in their adult lives. What will they choose? Who will they turn to in that moment? Your example and priorities will mean the most because of who you are in their lives.

[littlefrau]

I was engaged to a man for 2 years who introduced me to the church.... we got baptised, and I got the greatest gift ever - which was the Gospel! He then went fully inactive (he was less active when we started dating) and pulled me along with him... I was so in love, completely and totally, but the anxiety you're experiencing I can relate to completely... it is the worst. I couldn't stand it - I knew what I needed to do, and I knew it was an impossible thing to do - but I did it!

I realized slowly and surely that my Heavenly Father who loves us each so much, that my Saviour who died for me... were the only 2 people that I could ever think of sacrificing my relationship for. I also realized that if my boyfriend was right for me in the long run - then coming back to church would only help - it would give me the family i wanted, and the life i wanted.

It is now several years later and I can attest to the best decision I ever made - going back to church and NEVER LOOKING BACK. I am married to a man who is the most wonderful person I have ever met. My ex doesn't compare at all - I have never been treated with so much love and respect, and am sealed to him forever. I am a different person - I am better with Heavenly Father and my Saviour. I can do more for others, I can do more for myself.

The atonement is amazing. Everything you think you are losing will be made up to you hundredfold.

[findingmyway]

Sorry, I am going to go back to suggesting you and your boyfriend kneel and pray sincerely. Theres nothing like the both of you kneeling before God, together (hold hands if you want) and laying your concerns before him. If your boyfriend doesn't want to participate in a prayer.... then what is he willing to do ? Keep trying. I remember my first time kneeling and sincerely praying with my spouse..... Very special and memorable moment. I hope you experience that.

[Hayky3126]

Sorry, I am going to go back to suggesting you and your boyfriend kneel and pray sincerely. Theres nothing like the both of you kneeling before God, together (hold hands if you want) and laying your concerns before him. If your boyfriend doesn't want to participate in a prayer.... then what is he willing to do ? Keep trying. I remember my first time kneeling and sincerely praying with my spouse..... Very special and memorable moment. I hope you experience that.

I actually asked him just the other day if he would be willing to pray with me, and he said yes. So hopefully when we have some down time, I will be able to pour my heart out to the Lord and have my boyfriend see what I am going through.

Thank you Findingmyway.

[jayanna]

If you two have a child together, will he let you take him/her to church?

I know you might think that this decision doesn't really affect your children, but it will, for generations.

You know, I got engaged to a nonmember, and he joined at about the same time that we got married...but he never ever expected me to choose between him and God.

I'm sorry, but you can't go back to God because he needs to feel 'loved'? Really? Would he still love you if you were chaste? If not, then does he really love you or what you do for him?

I would suggest getting your own place, and date. Don't go back to his place, or back to your place and hang out alone...go somewhere with people and lots of lighting so you won't be so tempted. See if he loves you for your personality, see if you are good friends, see what he thinks about you practicing your religion once he is fully informed.

You know, it's called the 'plan of happiness' for a reason. Let me assurel you, getting married in the temple, whatever you have to do to get there...worth it. Bliss. Seeing your little ones all dressed in white and being brought into the sealing room to be sealed to you...beyond any joy comparable to anything on this earth.

[Hayky3126]

Unfortunately, he is so anti any children of his own, that I don't expect to have another one if I remain with him. Yes, i know that stirs everything up a bit cuz I am still young and would love to have another child... but I will deal with that when the time comes. Right now though, I dont want to bring anybody else into this mess.

Its IMPOSSIBLE to move out and just date him when we are currently living together and have already been down that road. I would be able to do that, but he wouldnt. And I would not want him to have to be in a relationship like that if that is not what he chooses. So it's really a choice of fully committing to the church or choosing him...

Thank you for your advice though.

[myalternate]

, but if you did then you would at least be able to stay with him while going back to church.

And she can't go back to curch if she stays with him?

[myalternate]

Although it is hard, dual religion marriages and families can work.QUOTE]

If "Until death do us part" is what you are looking for. Some can't make up their minds when offering advice.

[ryanh]

Hayky: I'm presuming you are familiar with the story of Abraham and the command to sacrifice his son. What do you think his feelings where when the choice was presented to him to either follow God, or do what he wanted - keep his son safe? I would suppose that Abraham was figuratively being torn apart inside also.

I had an experience in my life recently where there was something I really didn't want to give up. I was torn between keeping the status quo, or following what I knew God wanted (knew in a way similar to how you know you need to go back to church - the Spirit is prompting you to do so).

I remained in an awful dilemma until the point that I prayed and let Heavenly Father know I was willing to give up what I wanted to follow His path for me. That was no easy feat! It tore me up inside something awful - for the 'thing' I was being asked to give up wasn't inherently bad - no vice or questionable item - in fact it was good.

It was only when I made the decision to follow Heavenly Father's promptings wholly contrary to what I wanted that the figurative "tearing me apart" ceased. Know what? Like Abraham, in the end, I didn't have to give up what I desired.

I suspect that you too are being tested. Can you too find the will to give up what you want most in order to follow what you know is right? I suspect you will be happy with the results. But, you have to really, truly, reach that point of being willing to give up what you want in order for the “tearing apart” to end. Not just “I’ll do so in order that I quit hurting”, but actually be willing to give up what you want.

I suppose the only other option is to shut out the Holy Ghost and no longer give it place in your heart so that you no longer feel drawn to what Heavenly Father wants for you. I don’t think that will end up being a positive experience.

[Family_Man]

And she can't go back to curch if she stays with him?

Although it is hard, dual religion marriages and families can work.QUOTE]

If "Until death do us part" is what you are looking for. Some can't make up their minds when offering advice.

Wow. I guess I really pissed you off in your now locked thread. Why don't you take a look at everything I wrote, and the context I wrote it in.