Finding it very hard to be sympathetic...

[Backroads]

I have a co-worker who, despite many good qualities, annoys most of our office because she is constantly on the phone with her children, or being distressed because of her children. I work right next to her, so it's hard to find a way to avoid her phone calls.

She began working simply for insurance when the majority of her adult children and their families moved in with her. She wants to be the good mom, so she is working for all their insurance. Three of her children are drug addicts, one has her abusive boyfriend living with them, and so on and so forth.

Now, this lady is extremely sweet and pretty much wants to take care of the world. In my opinion and that of many of our co-workers, she takes care of far too much. It's clear her children living with her is causing her undue stress. Her youngest, a teenager, seems to struggle because the rest of the family is taking his attention. I feel bad for her, and I admire her love and service to her family...

But in my opinion, it's gone too far. It seems she has mothered her children so much they can't take care of themselves. She never calls them from the office, but they call her for every little thing. Our manager sympathizes with her and allows her some time for these personal calls, but she overdoes it.

I hate to be the one saying "it's distracting me from my work!" when she has these serious family issues she feels she needs to take care of.

I'm trying to be Christ-like about this and I don't dare tell her to just let her kids suffer for once, but there are some days I just want to strangle her.

[g8trjasonb]

Can you ask to be moved to another cube/desk/office?

[NeuroTypical]

I'm trying to be Christ-like about this and I don't dare tell her to just let her kids suffer for once, but there are some days I just want to strangle her.

Sounds like a healthy reaction.

[Backroads]

Can you ask to be moved to another cube/desk/office?

Tried. But our work is so similar and we really have no space for moving people around.

[Guest]

The sacrifices we are sometimes asked to do in the service of our fellowmen....

How did that verse go again?

For I was hungry and you gave me no meat...

[Suzie]

I hate to be the one saying "it's distracting me from my work!" when she has these serious family issues she feels she needs to take care of.

Is it really distracting from your work or you are just upset that she chooses over and over again to look after her children who are just probably using her? (it's quite hard to watch yet not able to do anything about it) I ask because I know some people cannot stand seeing these sort of things and they get very emotional about it.

Our manager sympathizes with her and allows her some time for these personal calls, but she overdoes it.

As long as the manager knows....

[Jennarator]

Perhaps tell her she might want to be more discreet. Tell her she might loose her job if someone walks by and hears that every time they walk by. Then you are looking out for her, and she is quieter and all.

[Backroads]

Is it really distracting from your work or you are just upset that she chooses over and over again to look after her children who are just probably using her? (it's quite hard to watch yet not able to do anything about it) I ask because I know some people cannot stand seeing these sort of things and they get very emotional about it.

I think it's both. I often feel made a part of the family drama. Except I really don't feel loving about it. All I can think is "get your family mess out of the office! Your kids are losers!"

However, most of the time she is unable to complete her work. When I'm working with people, they have to line up at my desk because she is on the phone and unable to work with them. I wind up doing her work. I work with people so often headphones just aren't practical, so I constantly have to listen to her talking.

[Backroads]

Perhaps tell her she might want to be more discreet. Tell her she might loose her job if someone walks by and hears that every time they walk by. Then you are looking out for her, and she is quieter and all.

No real way for her to be discreet. It would be either spending all her time in the breakroom or talking at her desk.

I guess what I want to know is since I can't think of a practical solution to the problem, how can I better deal with it?

[Jennarator]

No real way for her to be discreet. It would be either spending all her time in the breakroom or talking at her desk.

My point exactly. :) She will need to know she needs to cut back on this or people will realize that is ALL she does. Then she will loose her job.

[estradling75]

By focusing so much on her personal issues she is essentially stealing from her place of work. Given that she is a coworker you really have no authority to make her change only the management does.

However you do have a legit complaint if her distraction forces you to do her work.

My first suggestion would be to gentle talk to her and explain that is it not fair that you have to do her share of the work. She seems like a very giving person and she might be quite shocked to realize she is 'hurting' you. (Or she might not care)

That is about all you can do directly with your co-worker. The next step is to go up the ladder to your supervisor. As sympathetic as the supervisor might be, they still have a job to do. It is very possible they are not fully aware of how invasive it is, and might not until someone complains

[DougFunny]

Offer to help her, she sounds like she could use it.

[rufuswhitman]

Whether she has spoiled her children or whether she "overdoes it" are both opinions. Neither is a valid complaint.

What is not an opinion is that she talks on the phone during the day to her famil, and the talking affects your work. Their content may distract your focus from work, or their content may appeal to your humanity for the suffering she has. Either way, the conversations affect your work, and you would like to be able to focus on your work. This is a valid complaint.

Whether or not you like her, support her, or anything else is irrelevant to the point. If you want to be Christ-like and can do so genuinely, then you may offer your support for outside of work. Whatever you do, do not tell her you really like her and care for her and are worried for her unless you have lost sleep worried about HER welfare, not yours nor her kids'. Most of the time, such comments are for the speaker's benefit, not the recipient's.

Sample: "Jill, can I talk to you in private for a minute? ... When I am at work, I can often hear you on the phone talking with your family. This happens often enough that I find it harder to focus on my work. I do not want to make a fuss about it with supervisors, so I wanted to tell you directly. What do you suggest?"