I Feel ...Stuck

[Idora]

This dilemma is probably minor, but I guess I could use a few words of advice.

I feel stuck with my life. I'm 25 years old and didn't go to college (my own fault- I made too many excuses and couldn't pick a subject to major in so I just "played" around with classes). I then met my husband and we married when I was 21. I worked 2 jobs to put him through school since he only had a year left to graduate from the university he went to. When he did so, we moved out of our city because of an amazing job offer waiting for us. We decided at this point to try and start a family since he made enough for me to stay home. After years of trying, however, I was told I'm unable to have children (we technically started trying 6 months into our marriage).

Anyway, I spent too much of my time focusing on how sad my life was because I couldn't have children. It was the only thing my mind wanted to think about. Finally, after a talk with my husband and our bishop, I was able to snap out of that depression and look at my life around me and count my blessings. I'm able to finally enjoy my life and enjoy the free time I have with my husband. It has brought our marriage closer together and I love being able to travel and take random trips.

The other day, I decided to look up some old high school classmates. I noticed many of them are college graduates and pursuing higher education or have incredible jobs. I then felt a hint of jealousy and a little sadness. Going back to school will be expensive. I don't qualify for financial aid because my husband makes too much. I know if I go back to school and get my degree I'll have lot of student loans to pay off, which means I'll probably have to work for a long time to make it worth it. Which then makes me think about a family. Oh, wait.

I guess I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel like a failure almost. I can't have children and I can't go back to school without paying out of my butt. I work at a retail store and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I know this is the perfect opportunity to back to school since we don't have children yet, but I feel...stuck. I did graduate from a trade school but am having no luck finding a job in that field. I honestly don't know what to do. Sometimes I keep wishing I could go back in time and take high school more seriously and go straight to college.

I don't want to waste time anymore. I need a goal. I need to do something. Right? I know after children it will be very difficult to go back to school. But my husband refuses to pay for my college unless I'm willing to pay it off after I graduate (which makes sense). So I don't want to spend $60,000 plus on school but I do want my degree...something I can put to use later without working it off for several years. I know the church encourages mothers to stay at home if possible. My husband would make enough for me to so I'd really have no reason to work full time. See how I talk myself in circles? I'm a dreamer more than anything. I want too much.

[pam]

What you are going through is more common than you think in my opinion. We all want to find some purpose in our life that makes us feel worthwhile.

What if you just took a class at a time? I realize that it would take a long time..but something is better than nothing at all.

[estradling75]

You mentioned trying going the family route... but that you can't... Have you considered adoption?

[Dravin]

What if you just took a class at a time? I realize that it would take a long time..but something is better than nothing at all.

Particularly if you start at a community college, you can knock down some generals there and then transfer to a University. The price difference per credit hour can be quite significant. Another option is to get a 2 year degree to transfer with.

Actually speaking of 2 year degrees, a technical program may be a worthwhile compromise, particularly if one is looking primarily for personal improvement rather then trying to pull down a lot of money (a culinary class is useful, so is mechanics even if one doesn't get a job doing it), and even then some certificate/vocational programs can lead to jobs that really aren't all that shabby pay wise.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Are you wanting this because it's what you want to do, or are you wanting to do this so you can be like all your friends?

If you truly feel the urge to continue your education, then work through the process with your husband. Despite not being able to bear your own children, there is always a high demand for qualified adoptive/foster parents. There are many children in this world that could benefit from a loving home.

You can also look at finishing your degree as a part-time student. Yes it will draw out the expenses longer, but the smaller amounts will be easier to manage at the same time. You can even look at taking on-line courses offered thorugh the universities in your area.

Back to my main point though, take time and prayer to sort out where you really stand with this. There are many options to look at in building a family with your husband. Gaining an education is wise and encouraged by the General Authorities, but make sure you're doing it for you. You have no need to justify your life, nor to use other's lives as a standard against your own. Heavenly Father knows your needs and desires. Take them to him and he will show you happiness you never imagined.

[Dravin]

You mentioned trying going the family route... but that you can't... Have you considered adoption?

Another possible route is fostering. It isn't the same as adoption, but it would give you the ability to act as mother in some capacity and one might find it satisfying. The downside of course is that kids are put in foster when they're not living in ideal circumstances so there is probably going to be a fair rate of issues and then saying goodbye may be more emotional toil than you can bear if you really put your heart and soul into it.

[Idora]

Thank you for the kind words, everyone.

My husband and I have most definitely thought about adoption/foster care. In fact, my mother adopted 3 children after doing the foster care thing. We prayed and prayed about it and eventually took it to the temple but were instructed that now is not the right time to pursue that. Our hearts are still open to it.

I guess a part of me does want a degree because my classmates are successful. But another part of me really desires to have an education. My "dream" job would be in the life biology field-marine biology, animal science or even healthcare. I absolutely love life science. Usually with life science it requires higher education though. I'd hate to have a job I love but be unable to stay home. I almost feel like it's one or the other.

Starting small and drawing it out seems like a good option because of the money. I'm impatient and am trying to improve it. Sometimes I just want to get it done and over with, but I know it's not always the smartest route.

[Maureen]

...I'm impatient and am trying to improve it. Sometimes I just want to get it done and over with, but I know it's not always the smartest route.

Life is about going through the journey and enjoying it. So whatever you decide to do, enjoy the journey, it will go by faster than you can imagine.

M.

[classylady]

You're still young. It's never too late for education. I went back to college in my late 30's, pregnant with my last child. I started over because it had been so long since I had been in school. I took out student loans, but now I wish I hadn't. It's a heavy burden, and I continually have to put the loan on deferment--and the interest just continually adds to the loan.

For me, it's been a wonderful sense of accomplishment to have my degree. I changed my major half-way through, but that's okay. And once I graduated, I got a job that didn't even need a degree. But, the job was what I was supposed to be doing (working for a major airlines). I didn't understand at the time, why this was where the Lord wanted me to be, when I wasn't even using my degree. But, over the years, because of my flight benefits, I've been able to travel. And I've had two children who have lived outside of the country. It would have been cost prohibitive to take the whole family to Germany on numerous occasions, but with my flight benefits we could fly for free--or nearly free. And I have another child that lives in So. Korea. She says she may end up there for the rest of her life. With my flight benefits, I'll be able to visit her on a regular basis. So, at the time, I didn't understand why I was supposed to work in this particular field, and not even use my degree, but now that time has passed I can see why the Lord wanted me to be there.

Even though I haven't used my degree, I may in the future. I'm retired from the airlines, but I'm currently looking for employment again. And like I said, it is a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I think it's also a self-esteem/self-worth booster.

So, if you can manage it financially--even part time, I say "go for it"!

[LDSJewess]

WOW you have so much good ahead of you that I am thrilled for you!

I got married right out of high school and had two kids and wound up divorced when my oldest was 6 and youngest was an infant. From then on I spent a lot of time just trying to keep us fed and sheltered.

When my youngest was in 5th grade I was 35 years old and went to my community college to take a creative writing class. A counselor somehow talked me into taking 12 credit hours. Two years later after meeting all the core requirements, I transferred to a four year university and earned my degree just a month shy of my 40th birthday. Did I acquire debt? Of course and that was a struggle since it took a very long time to pay back student loans.

The best part was while I barely got through high school on c-minus's I carried a 4.0 in college and I believe that is because I was ready for college and I was investing in my time and investing my finances knowing I would be paying for it. This made that degree all the more important and cherished in my life. I loved it so much I got really involved and became the Vice Presisent of the student body. My kids cheered me on all the way and I inspired them to value higher education.

Just do it and enjoy the journey. You are an entire decade that I was when I stated college for the first time.

One word about the financial aspect. You may want to let you husband know how important education is to you. Think about it; if he has enough money without you working to support a family (if you could have had children), then there is enough to pay instead for your education. If you actually put it on paper, it would cost as much to raise a few kids over a four year peiod as it would to go to college if you did not have kids.

Now about kids. If you decide to ever adopt children please think seriously as to WHY you want to adopt. Adoption is not and should never be about YOU or that you WANT to be a parent. Adoption is a free willing dedication to knowing what the child NEEDS and WANTS and that you are committing to care for and raise another person's child. That child may forever feel a connection to their birth family regardless of how loving you are and how good your home was or whether they even knew or will get to know their birth family. You must be prepared to adopt as an act of unconditional love to a child, NOT to fill a need within yourself.

Wishing you all the best.

[tubaloth]

Wait? So I assume you had money for a kid? But not enough money for school? It seems like you are trying to pay for this all. Can't your husband pay for most of the schooling (you did pay for his). I do think you need to figure out some plan and budget things out for the next 3-5 years. I don't see how you had all this money for trips and a Kid, but now you sound like your broke?

I do think you should figure out what you want to do. Figure out the best way of doing that. I do agree with looking into a Community college. I did after my mission but the drive to go to a college vs a Unverisity that was closer, in the end wasn't worth the cheaper rate. (but the classes where smaller). If you do find a school, you can talk to a counselor. They can help you figure out how long it would take you to finish (how many credits you will need each semester).

Not sure if you have talked to your parents about helping? I only made it through school was because of my parents. I used the Bank of Mom to help me out. Pay for school then I would pay her back, then she paid for school and I pay her back.

I do think you can look into adoption. It can be a long process, I don't think you should just wait around for it. Get your degree, then near the end (a year left) or so start looking into adoption.

[dahlia]

Have you looked into the costs of a state school near you or starting out at a community college? That should keep the costs down. Also, you may be eligible for scholarships that are not need-dependent, but you may have to wait until you have a semester or two of good grades under your belt to qualify.

Don't go back to school just because others have degrees. I'm a college prof and the worse thing you can do is just hang out with no goal in mind. This is not the same thing as taking a variety of classes, in which you have a real interest, to see where your strengths are, and then specialize from there.

You are young, there is plenty of time to pursue your education. Maybe you want a certificate in something from a CC, rather than a 4 year degree? Take your time and see what seems right to you. Your local CC should offer some kind of career test for free or at a nominal price, if you don't really know what you want to do.

[bytor2112]

College degree doesn't necessary equal an education or a successful career. There are a lot of "educated" people that did not earn a college degree and a lot of highly successful people that barely completed high school.

[MorningStar]

Sounds similar to how I felt at that age. I just couldn't figure out what I was meant to do. School didn't work out (long story, but I had a bad mystery illness). I met my husband, we got married, he joined the Air Force, and I wasn't even able to work due to "overuse syndrome" from my data entry job. I tried to do a receptionist job, but I got sick every day after lunch and wasn't able to stay by the phone.

I thought maybe I was just meant to have a baby. That took two years. I mostly spent my time helping friends and pretty much felt like a loser. Tried to go back to school and was denied financial aid again even though we were dirt poor. I used my time and talents wherever I could and was very grateful to be available when a sister in our ward called one day sobbing because she thought she might have breast cancer. I was able to drive her to the doctor and comfort her. I also took care of a friend's son until she decided to get out of her abusive marriage. That still means the world to her a decade later. Her husband wasn't supporting them or trying to support them, so she finally got a job. She didn't trust him to watch their son, so I watched him for nothing so that she could buy diapers.

I learned during that time that my worth isn't based on how much money I make or what degree I have. I would still like to go back to college, but I have developed talents without it. I think I will have more direction when I do go back to school. In fact, I was just thinking that I should go take some drama classes like I wanted to in high school but didn't because I was so set on trying to get into BYU with extra math and science classes. My friends were going to BYU, so I thought I should too. Who was I kidding? Drama would have been the perfect thing to go with my music studies.

Keep praying and you will figure out what you are meant to do. :)

[RadDad]

you mentioned health care. i am on staff at a hospital that pays for continuing education. become a CNA, start working and work up to RN as you go. if the time comes that you are blessed with children, you can work evenings or nights part time to keep the skills up and still be a great mom.

[Backroads]

25 is hardly old. Heck, it's not uncommon to be starting the higher education thing at that age. It's difficult to avoid students loans and with a bit of luck you land a job that pays it all off for you (again, not uncommon).

[lost123]

This quote comes from somewhere. Not sure where but it is good.

"Are you afraid to tak on responsibiliteis, afraid to make decisions, afraid to step out alone?

Most people are - that's why there are so few leaders and so many followers.

If you are confronted with a a problem, the longer you put it off, the greater it becomes and the more fearful you become of your ability to solve it.

Therefore, learn to make decisions.

Because in not deciding you failt to act, and in failing to act you invite failure.

Experience will soon teach you that once a decision is made, the problems and troubles begin to disappear.

Even though the decision you made may not be the best one, the mere deciding gives you strength and raises your morale.

It's the fear of doing the wrong thing that attracts the wrong thing.

Decide and act, and the chances are that your troubles will fade into thin air whether you made a mistake or not.

All great men and women have learned to make quick decisions, which flows from their intuition, their accumulated knowledge and previous experience. So learn to be quick in making decisions and audacious in your actions."

Hope that helps. :) Good luck and have courage! And...thank your husband for encouraging you. :)

[rameumptom]

You can qualify for scholarships. You do not have to go to an expensive college. Community colleges are wonderful places, especially for adults. You can get a degree and spend $5K a year for it. You can even attend college part time, and pay along the way. Debt is not a necessary thing, as you can go to school and work part time to pay for it.

[KrazyKay]

If you want a bachelors degree, but don't want to pay the outrageous costs of some colleges, you can try Western Governors University. That's where I'm currently attending. It's an online college and you work at your own pace - basically you are given 6 months to do a set of classes but you can finish those classes in 1 month or take the whole 6 months and do the assignments at your own pace. They cost around $3,000 a term - each term is 6 months and your individual term might not start at the same time as another student's term, about $6,000 a year.

[Idora]

Wait? So I assume you had money for a kid? But not enough money for school? It seems like you are trying to pay for this all. Can't your husband pay for most of the schooling (you did pay for his). I do think you need to figure out some plan and budget things out for the next 3-5 years. I don't see how you had all this money for trips and a Kid, but now you sound like your broke?

Well, I guess to me I'm thinking more about sacrifice, not so much what we do have. It makes sense if we could "afford a kid" we could the same for school. If we did a child I'd be willing to sacrifice more finances. Does that make sense? I guess that was my main worry. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

Again, thank you to everyone who offered kind words and advice. I finally went for it. I sat down with my husband and we figured out a plan. I'm going back to school this fall, full-time at a community college. I have made all the arrangements with the counselor and such. It will be 2 years, but at least I'll have a degree. From there I'll see if I want to transfer. I was amazed at how CHEAP this community college was, and after making plans on how to pay for it all, it's all working out.