Wife changed her mind

[mrmarklin]

I think that too many people stay in marriages that they shouldn't. If you want children and she doesn't thats a big gap. Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't want the same things you do...especially the children issue. Find someone who is compatable with you, if your wife decided that she would give you a child, down the road she could resent you for it, leave and really mess up your life and the childs. Everyone deserves to have some contentment in their lives. RUN and find someone that wants the same things you do out of life.

Totally agree. Many women want to have children. Find one of them;).

[Backroads]

Further thoughts...

I stand by what I said that the kids/no kids question is a big one. But, as others have said, in the end it's going to be him and her. Let's say she doesn't change her mind. Could he handle no kids but an otherwise happy marriage, or will the lack of kids be severe enough to cause bitterness? Same thing with the church issue.

I don't think he can approach this with the assumption "It's going to be okay, one day she'll change her mind and everything will be grand." Maybe ten years down they road she'll say she wants kids again, or maybe get back into church. If so, great. If not, well, he has to be prepared for that.

She should be taken at her word with her feelings validated.

I won't encourage/discourage divorce, but I also don't think unhappy marriages are worth it or that bitterness belongs in them. If he can make it work, great! If he honestly can't and bitterness and anger creeps in, well, it's no longer fair to anyone.

[ScrabbleRouser]

This must be a very devastating situation to deal with. I endured a long-term childless marriage where the only thing getting bred was latent resentment. You are both still so very young and I hope some resolution can be found in the near future . For a marriage to grow, the dynamics have to change over the long-term and the best way to do that is by having children--if that is physically possible, which appears to be so in your case. My prayers are with you!

[WifeSupport]

You're not alone, other husbands definitely have this issue and I am still looking for the best answer myself.

As the wife that had fears and and inability to have children later, I'd just say make sure to sit down and talk about reasons for your desires together "EARLIER" not later and really make sure that you both understand and can try make each other as happy as possible.

No two people will ever be perfect, we have to overcome alot of painful things to stick together.

If she has fears, then she might want to get counseling to start working those sooner.

Edited August 1, 2011 by WifeSupport

[Gwen]

The question of kids/no kids is a very big deal in a marriage. On your side, you went into this marriage with the expectations that there would be kids someday. I would dare argue you have been cheated.

Not picking on you backroads but wanted to offer a caution. He may very well have been cheated and feel that way...... never, never say that to her.

Sometimes we make decision on ideals and what we think will happen, she may have very well wanted kids and been very honest in the pre-marriage talks. And then something she couldn't predict happens and now things are different.... not sure that's cheated in the connotation of "bait and switch" that such a comment leaves one with. If that is the case using those words will eat at your relationship.

If she really wanted kids at one point then she will probably want them again. A woman's biological clock often has a way of comming around to haunt her.

In the meantime I would suggest to stop focusing on that for now. Focus on what is really wrong in the relationship.... communication.

Get counseling if you want/need.

Or read some books together.... Home - The 5 Love Languages would be a great one.

This talk on cd is great if you aren't into reading... DeseretBook.com - For All Eternity

Get the communication going and then talk about kids and why she changed her mind.

[Delanie]

I think the kid situation has been tackled, but what about the church attendance? Isn't that a bad sign in itself?

[keys]

If it sounds to you like fear about the actual childbirth process, I would read about how natural it can be and maybe talk to a doula, midwife, or read about pain-free childbirth. It's entirely possible and it can happen for anyone if they release the fears we are taught as women. Many women talk only about the pain of long labors and the horrible things that can happen, but in reality those things only happen about 5% of the time and many times in women with health risks. If it were anyone in my family, I would take them to someone who could do deep visualizations with her if she were open to it. They can re-assign connections in a person's brain to get rid of fear based assumptions. She may have had a traumatic birth herself, or heard some woman talking about something bad that happened during birth.

[Guest]

If it sounds to you like fear about the actual childbirth process, I would read about how natural it can be and maybe talk to a doula, midwife, or read about pain-free childbirth. It's entirely possible and it can happen for anyone if they release the fears we are taught as women. /QUOTE]

Have you experienced pain-free birth?

[garryw]

24 is young. Basically she can have kids another 11 years without elevated risks. If you're not worried about elevated risks she has another 20 years to give birth. You on the other hand can reproduce at any age, so your clock is not ticking. You will always have a choice, she wont. Even if its another marriage, according to the laws of nature, you can always have kids. You have a win-win situation. You get what you want, just decide what it is you really want.

[keys]

I have! There were so many endorphins between each contraction that I hardly felt them.

[ADoyle90815]

She's only 24, which might seem old to you, but she's quite young and there's a possibility she could change her mind as she gets older. If depression runs in her family, it's also likely that she's worried about developing PPD after a pregnancy, since when women have a genetic tendency for depression, their risk of that disorder is higher. Maybe counseling is something you should look into, and if she refuses to go, you should go by yourself.

Another thing is that most women her age are just starting to get married, or aren't at that point in their lives just yet. My SIL was 27 when she and my brother had my niece, and this was after waiting for a few years after they married before starting a family.

[girlygirl]

Im a young and married female... As soon as I got married I was bombarded with the when are you gona have kids??!!! Questions, not fun. I'm not ready yet even though my husband wants kids. I do want them eventually, just not now. I think when people do not have kids the biggest regret will be when they are grey and old and do not have a loving family around them. Perhaps you should ask her to take that into consideration? With my parents getting older with 16 grankids so far I can really sit back and appreciate how much joy having a family is in your twilight years :)

[Backroads]

I think the kid situation has been tackled, but what about the church attendance? Isn't that a bad sign in itself?

I don't know if the lack of church attendance is connected with the lack of desire for kids.

At this time it might be best to work on her spirituality before bringing kids into the family.

[WifeSupport]

I bet you that she feels the frustration of her husband about the kids issue and going to church doesn't sound very appetizing right now.

It's easy to do rigtheous things when we don't feel like the bad guy or we find some strength in it.

[WifeSupport]

They need some marriage counseling quick.

I stopped going to church with my husband because he wouldn't talk to me anymore.

When I went back, he stopped going because he was mad at me and God for not giving him kids.

We all have our reasons, but the honest truth is, we don't go where we don't feel the love.

Whatever you do, please keep going to church and asking God for help, its the only way you can ensure the best result whatever it will be.

Edited August 2, 2011 by WifeSupport

[WifeSupport]

My marriage was too far gone to save by the time we went to counseling. I was ready to work things but hub was too upset and needed long ...months long .. still going long...time out. That's why the sooner the better.

Once one of you is so mad you do something very serious you regret (moving out, divorce, emotional affair..etc), you lose alot of face and then you'll be too busy defending your actions to work the issues.

As it is I keep telling my hub that I forgive everything, that I am sorry for all I have done, and we can run away for private time anytime he wants so we don't have to deal with outside people until they are prepared to be sweet

Edited August 2, 2011 by WifeSupport