Relationship help- Related to future children

[RoskyPotter]

Hello!

First a bit about myself, I am a convert (going on 3 years), Married for 2 years to a member who grew up in the church, preparing to go to the temple (received my recommend). I work full-time at a pretty good job but I don't get any real satisfaction from it. My husband works part-time but there is a possibility to go full-time and it pays decently and we have benefits.

I'll just say it, I'm ready to have children. I actually have been having dreams about it and I have prayed and feel like now is the time for us and that our children are ready to come into this world.

Here's what I need help with, my husband wants to wait to have children until he is financially able to care for them/me. What I think, is that by the time we have children he will be working full-time (we have to hope) and that we can budget and it will be fine (we have good support and could get clothes and food from members of the church if needed). I also think that there will NEVER be a PERFECT time and that we should just do it because we both want to have a large family. We have been married over 2 years and I'm 24 and my husband is 25.

I'm looking for stories of encouragement to share with my husband as well as any talks, scriptures or church reference about families/ budgeting with a family and making it work. As a convert, I don't have the same depth of knowledge as I know some of you have!

thanks for your response!

[coruscate]

My husband and I had the same discussion, except the roles were reversed. I wanted to keep working, and he felt it was time to have children. He may have a hard time adjusting his views to meet yours and the church's (I sure did!), so be careful not come across as confrontational when you discuss these publications :)

Eternal Marriage Student Manual - To the Fathers in Israel (This whole manual is very helpful if you feel like an extended read.)

LDS.org - Ensign Article

Mothers Who Know - Ensign Nov. 2007

LDS.org - Optional Courses Chapter Detail - The Sacred Roles of Fathers and Mothers

Good luck to you!

[yjacket]

My wife and I were living in a very high cost of living area, in a 2 bedroom 800 sqft apart. as I was really trying to save for the future. We were married for about two years and I wanted to have kids but financially I was a little concerned. I think my wife would have been happy to have kids at any time. About 3-6 months before my wife became pregnant, I began to feel some serious pressure to have kids (no pressure from family, etc.), just a lot of internal thoughts about kids. Anytime I thought about it, I would feel very heavy inside (it was a really weird feeling). So eventually (it took about 3 months), I said let's see what happens :-). Best decision ever. I absolutely love having my son around, I honestly don't think I've ever met a person quite as dynamic as him.

Something similar happened with my daughter, but not as much internal pressure (maybe I recognized the promptings a little better?). We'll see what happens with future kids.

Financially at times it's been tough as we've make significant lifestyle choices to hopefully provide better in the future (try a 2 bdr 800 sqft duplex with an all-boy 2 year-old and a newborn-thank goodness that is over with!), but it was well worth it.

I also think there is a very good reason why pregnancies are 9 months; it really gives you a good amount of time to prepare--especially for new parents.

Quick suggestion, if you're going to the temple soon, suggest a temple date to go an pray about it.

[yjacket]

Another quickie, for me it is very important to provide and protect my family. I would probably not have had kids right then, if I felt I couldn't provide for them (thankfully while things were tight, I didn't worry about providing). So if your husband is like that, try to assuage his concerns and help him understand that he will be able to provide.

[pam]

While being able to provide temporally for children is extremely important, no doubt about that....I'm of the attitude if you are waiting to have children until you can afford it..you may never have them.

Something always comes up financially. You learn to work with what you have financially and to budget differently when children arrive.

[slamjet]

You will never afford to have children. You will never be financially ready to have children. Your relationship will never be emotionally strong enough to have children. You personally will never be ready to have children.

If there's one thing I learned in having children is that there is not a single thing on this planet earth that will ever, nor can you do any thing to ever, ever prepare you for children. There are no manuals, there are not checklists, there is nothing.

So to wait to have children until your "ready" is a misnomer in the extreme. You need to get to a point where you both are married (ok, you are, but just in case), then have children. Because if you don't, it will be too late. Then you will regret it all.

I say all that because the first thing I learned (other than preparation is meaningless) is that having your own children will give you such a deeper understanding and feeling of meaning and responsibility that you have now, that you will look back and wonder how is it that you could have progressed so darn much? The happiness and the stress they will bring to your home will be to the extremes. The understanding of the meaning of life and will be wonderful and incredible.

Children will bring you to a level of life that nothing else can. So don't wait, just jump in and do it. It will be the most wonderful and, at the same time, terrifying experience you will ever have.

[mrmarklin]

Yeah, what Slamjet said...................

[Backroads]

My husband and I were talking about this. We are continuing with our decision to wait till he has his degree next year, but on the subject of affording them? So many other countries have such poverty levels and manage to raise healthy, happy children. I'm not saying we should be ashamed of our prosperity or try to raise kids in nothing but a plot of dirt if we can help it, but we do think there is something about our culture that dictates just what it means to "afford kids".

[yjacket]

My personal opinion: if you are on welfare or going to go on welfare due to kids, you shouldn't be having kids. Others will probably disagree, but IMO offloading the financial responsibilities of a family to those who pay taxes, etc. is morally wrong.

Now I understand emergency situations, like not needing welfare, having kids and then a job loss. Affording kids IMO is providing the necessities, food, clothing, shelter. If you can not provide those you shouldn't be having kids. If you have to rely on societies good graces to have kids, you shouldn't be having kids.

The societal "safety net" IMO should be for emergency unplanned drastic situations (job loss, act of God, etc.--not just b/c one wants kids-which is a choice).

[yjacket]

Basically, have as many kids in whatever prosperity level you feel like, just don't ask others to pay for it.

[yjacket]

I also think many people gloss over financial aspects of life thinking all is peaches and roses.

One of the major causes for divorce is money. It doesn't have to be that way. Everyone has to have the right expectations, open discussions and honest conversations about money.

Plan, plan, plan, and plan for the unexpected. Budget, budget, budget. The biggest expense for kids for the 1st couple of years is 1) birth . . (depending on rates, insurance, etc. could cost as little as 750, to 5k for a normal birth, to 10k+ if complicated.) 2) diapers and baby food, extreme couponing oh yeah!

Generally speaking my wife has ~450 a month for food/clothing/etc. for the family, 4 people including 2 kids. It's tight, but it works. She knows what's expected, I know what's expected, we communicate and it all works out well. Raising kids so far is really cheap. But I don't know if many people could do it like we do b/c it takes extreme discipline. Overall, 2 kids probably cost me an extra 100/month (and that is really high, probably more like 50-75). If you have a boy, just make sure you have good insurance (3 trips to the emergency room so far).

So it really depends on each individual families budgets, needs, wants, and discipline. Kids really don't need much when they are little, just a whole lot of love and good parents. And yes they are the greatest thing since sliced bread :-).

Just please, please, please don't be a leach :-).

[Backroads]

Basically, have as many kids in whatever prosperity level you feel like, just don't ask others to pay for it.

I agree with this. Generally speaking I have little patience for the welfare system.

[slamjet]

My personal opinion: if you are on welfare or going to go on welfare due to kids, you shouldn't be having kids. Others will probably disagree, but IMO offloading the financial responsibilities of a family to those who pay taxes, etc. is morally wrong.

Now I understand emergency situations, like not needing welfare, having kids and then a job loss. Affording kids IMO is providing the necessities, food, clothing, shelter. If you can not provide those you shouldn't be having kids. If you have to rely on societies good graces to have kids, you shouldn't be having kids.

The societal "safety net" IMO should be for emergency unplanned drastic situations (job loss, act of God, etc.--not just b/c one wants kids-which is a choice).

This can be boiled down to two words...

Common Sense

Children will not make a relationship better nor is living in a box on skid row a good place to start, let alone have a family. However, the comfortable, nor well off do not have exclusivity with families. Risk is part of life, having children is included in that. We had kids even though we had to squeeze into a small apartment. People thought we were nuts when we had #4 and #5 because of our situation. We struggled and even had to get assistance for a time. But because we took the risk and prayerfully did our best, we became blessed and now our kids are lacking for nothing. Does that mean we are well off? No, not even close. We are still struggling big time. But our life is so rich beyond measure because of the decision to have them when we did. And we both know without question that these are the ones we were meant to have.

If I knew it was going to be this difficult and so many huge sacrifices required from the onset, I would have still happily gone though it in a heartbeat.

[Backroads]

Like slamjet said, a skidrow cardboard box is something of an indication that it might not be the best time to bring a child into the world.

But at some time during your life going on assistance doesn't necessarily mean too many kids.

What about all the much tinier families that have to take welfare?

[Saldrin]

Have kids and get a game plan together to start on. I suggest both of you read the Total money make over. It addresses budgeting having kids etc and good strategies for dealing with the financial end of things.

Edited June 26, 2011 by Saldrin
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[Guest]

My first two pregnancies happened at financially precarious times. My second pregnancy especially brought a lot of worry. I knew it was time for the next child, but I didn't know how we'd make ends meet. Both times, my husband secured a better job shortly before I had the babies. Tithing and prayer are powerful. If you feel prompting to grow your family, there will be a way.

On the other hand, if your husband is dead-set against it, that needs to be respected, too. I can't remember who said it, but I think it's a good model: deciding to have a baby or not requires 2 yes's or 1 no.

[skippy740]

...we can budget and it will be fine (we have good support and could get clothes and food from members of the church if needed).

Am I the only one that might have an issue with this statement?

If things are THAT bleak for you, I would suggest you wait a bit. I'm not saying forever, but if this is how you plan to support your children, then I'm not in favor of that.

One must practice the Provident Living principles and prepare as best as possible for children.

Think of your husband's EGO knowing that he doesn't make enough to support the growing family... knowing that he HAS to have and count on clothes and food from the church???

As a man, I couldn't do that. I couldn't impose myself upon others in this way. Short term? Okay, that's what it's for. Long term? Can be EXTREMELY difficult.

Tread carefully.

[Backroads]

Am I the only one that might have an issue with this statement?

If things are THAT bleak for you, I would suggest you wait a bit. I'm not saying forever, but if this is how you plan to support your children, then I'm not in favor of that.

One must practice the Provident Living principles and prepare as best as possible for children.

Think of your husband's EGO knowing that he doesn't make enough to support the growing family... knowing that he HAS to have and count on clothes and food from the church???

As a man, I couldn't do that. I couldn't impose myself upon others in this way. Short term? Okay, that's what it's for. Long term? Can be EXTREMELY difficult.

Tread carefully.

No, no, I see the problem, too. You can't go into a pregnancy planning on assistance.

[skippy740]

I finally got to seeing some of the other posts.

I'm thinking "yes, it can be done". I'm also thinking that this is a huge blow to the ego of the man trying to do his best for his family - that his best (at this time) would require church assistance.

Yes, we shouldn't be "too proud" to not accept assistance... but we shouldn't abuse the system either.

[me1600]

we also waited for the right time. And we finally went to counseling. Guess what we paid $300 bucks to hear. There is no 'right" time. You have to have faith and go for it. I fought hard to start my family with my husband and after our son was born, he said "thank you so much for fighting for this"

Have faith my friend. As it is,at our age we can only probably have one more child, I would, if I could have nine. That is the JOY they bring! Go for it!

[LDSJewess]

Personally I do not think welfare from the church or from the government should be granted to anyone who creates self inflicted poverty.

Sorry I disagree with there never being a good time to start a family.

The perfect time is AFTER the couple have securred a good education and an income that will support a family. And I am not talking just diapers and baby food because thse things are outgrown quick enough. It goes beyond extra mouths to feed and extra clothing to buy. If you don't want your children to grow up in endless generations of welfare recipients, then get the financial planning that secures health insurance, the ability to pay for the co pays and unexpected expenses, and planning for their education.

Once a couple has built their own security it will be time to have children that they can teach and live by example how to maintain a functioning independant family.

[Backroads]

Personally I do not think welfare from the church or from the government should be granted to anyone who creates self inflicted poverty.

Sorry I disagree with there never being a good time to start a family.

The perfect time is AFTER the couple have securred a good education and an income that will support a family. And I am not talking just diapers and baby food because thse things are outgrown quick enough. It goes beyond extra mouths to feed and extra clothing to buy. If you don't want your children to grow up in endless generations of welfare recipients, then get the financial planning that secures health insurance, the ability to pay for the co pays and unexpected expenses, and planning for their education.

Once a couple has built their own security it will be time to have children that they can teach and live by example how to maintain a functioning independant family.

While I definitely agree with you here, I don't think this was how everyone was referring to as "the right time". Even in the best of educational and financial times there can possibly be "other stuff you want to do".

I had a YW leader who, after many years of attempting to have a baby, decided with her husband that if they weren't meant to have a kid they were going to blow a bunch of money on an expensive sports car. They were educationally and financially stable, bought the car, and.... she found herself pregnant. Goodbye car.

I do agree that there never is a perfect time to have a kid, and it's not just financially. It's emotionally. Having a kid is a total life change.

As for planning for the kid's education... not everyone does that. Myself and plenty of other kids are fully expected to provided for their own college education.