Hurting And Need To Know What To Do...

[aportmann]

This sin is becoming a plague amongst Christian men, and we should be way past the point of blaming our wives. We men need to give up our childish fantasies. We need to step up and be real men, loving our wives, making the sacrifices necessary to keep house, home, and heart safe.

While Martie was the one that started this topic, this makes me feel better knowing that there are men out there that realize what needs to happen. Now if some of us could convince our husbands......

[jessmarie11]

There is an excellent article in the August 2006 Ensign, p. 20.

[Traveler]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

Martie: I do not know if you will read this are not. I do not know if you read it that you will understand what I am trying to say. I suggest you read the book "The Peace Giver".

I am concerned that if I tell you what I think that you will think I am blaming you - which is not the case. What I would like to point out is that despite the problem your husband has that your response to his problem does not help but only makes the problem worse.

Maybe I can put it this way - what would you do for the man you love? Would you take a bullet? Would you suffer pain. Would you be laughed at? What would you think a man that loves his wife be willing to do for her?

Sometimes I think problems come to marriage because the partners start to think in terms of what they give and what they deserve to get from their partner. This will divide a marriage. Is is possible for you to think in terms of what you can contribute to help your husband be complete? How can you help him focus on things that are more worth while? Being a husband I can tell you that nagging usually is not something that works. Making a big deal about being hurt usually does not work. Making sure your spouse gets what they deserve does not work.

What worked for me was realizing that my wife deserved a better husband. That realizing that she loved me and did so much for me that I would never be able to repay her. That I owed her big time. That is what inspired me to be better than I am. That I owe her so much that she could be wrong for years and we would never be close to being even. And after all that - she does not expect me to change. She loves me despite all my faults and she would do anything for me despite all my flaws. How could I have been so lucky?

In truth there are no two people on this earth more different that my wife and me - yet she makes every effort and sacrifice to love me - how can I ever not return her love? How can I not be better for her love?

Shakespeare once said, "Nothing is as good or as bad as it seams only that thinking makes it so."

The Traveler

[Guest MrsS]

By the way I always ask if the spouce is meeting the needs be it a husband or a wife to see if its a matter of lack of fulfillment before deducing that the person is a freak.

<<<RANT OFF>>>

[phoenixbyrd]

Very much so. I starve myself and work out every second I can, just to be tiny. I do everything to be like what he gawks at. I am 5'4" and am sitting at 115 pounds... and this after 8 children, 9 pregnancies. I dress the way he likes, and he says I look fabulous. We have a very active physical relationship. But it's not enough. It kills me. What do I do? Surgically enhance myself? Bleach my hair and dress sleezy? I literally have done everything I can. It's never enough.

This makes me very sad... It doesn't matter what church you are in, the same problems crop up wherever. As an inactive member and as me, I would not have let it get to that point. I would have got rid.

Give him a dose of his own medicine... get magazines of half maked men and flash it in front of him. Look at good looking guys and ignore him.

But I know as a mormon you won't, but I can't see how you can tackle this. You are trying to be a good mormon wife and he is disrespecting you and not conforming to the religion either. Its inequality, and sickens me. You should not allow a man to treat you that way.

[illustrator1]

My heart goes out to you because I know how lonely it can be to cope with such a problem on your own. I know of a sister within the church who fulfilled her callings and raised her two children, all the time trying to cope with her husband cross dressing in female clotheing and finally admitting that he felt he wanted to be a woman. Finally she was unable to cope with it anymore and went to her Bishop. Her husband finally decided to come out and the lid was off the secrecy. He since has consulted his doctors and had the sex change operation. You stated at the beginning that your husband had a problem and that truly is the truth. he is the one that has to admit that he has a problem. No-one can help him to overcome his addiction, until he wants to help himself and seek the help that is out there. If you are hurting because of this situation, and he is not addressing your pain and concern, he is shutting off your relationship with him.I pray that you will finally find a solution to this pain you are feeling. I am a 56 year old grandmother and I feel that you need someone to be kind to you. You are not alone. Try talking to him and make him aware of how he is hurting you. If he does not want to listen to your concerns, or has no compassion for your pain, you need to ask yourself if you want to go on hurting. Love is a two way street. May God be with you. Take courage from a friend.xxxxx

<div class='quotemain'>

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

talk to your bishop as soon as you can

[Gwen]

I would suggest you look into the board titled Support Group For Wives Of Lds Sexual Addicts. this may not be your exact problem, but i would venture to say that you could find some support for your issue and maybe even some good advise and tips on coping. And since it sounds like there will be profesionals involved you might even be able to get some direction to profesional help for your specific situation.

[Serg]

If no outside organization helps, please, talk to your bishop(even if it is only as last resource do it). Sometimes, only humiliating oneself will do, maybe your husband's feelings ought to notice they are wrong(and should hurt a little), its part of the healthy circle. Make him share his problems, accept them, humiliate himself in prayer, and try as hard as you can.

[sunny_surfer]

HI marty

First off I really admire your courage as far as at least addressing this problem and confronting him about it, most woman would not. Second I read a comment earlier saying something about the fact that if your giving him what he need or something like that. And i just want to say IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTLY SHOULD NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HIS ACTIONS. and i stress that literally since i can see that it has taken a seviere toll on you already, since you mentioned it starting to affect your self esteem. there is no excuse for a man to covent another woman other then his own wife, this is not the was of a priesthood holder and its not the way a proper member of the church should act. Secondly i heard a lot of people talk about going to the bishop..i would actually wait on that and go to a relationship counsilor instead since the bishop does not have any experience that a therapist does. I mean have you told him how it makes you feel? have you told him how its hurting your self esteem. I actually view this as a serious problem because even though he hasnt done anything the fact that he doesnt want to acknowlege it, and gets made everytime you mention it shows that his intentions when he looks at other woman are more then innocent. if seeing a relationship therapist doesnt work i would then talk to the bishop or a close friend who is in the stake counsil if thats a option to go and confront this situation in the privacy of your home. NO person should feel like second best in a marriage or any relationship.

i hope this work out for you and becomes better :)

[inthearmsofsleep]

I read through pretty much this whole thread....and it's very saddening ...

Is there any way you could put a filter on his computer, or does he use a password that you don't know? If anybody lies about it, why not ask them if you can install a filter...and that you would be the only one with the password? Actually, they could uninstall it and then be on their way to the same old world of sin. It's so sickening. I'm a guy, just so you know. I have done bad things, and I know the severe effects of them, but I've overcome most of them and I can say that there definately is an increase of love in my relationship since then. This is probably the worst plague of our age... destroying families and souls throughout the world without any cure unless the infected willfully repent. I feel so bad for you.... ...

[Oobidah]

Martie,

The Prophet is and has been very distinct in his counsel to ALL men who hold the Priesthood on this matter of which you speak. It is always covered in the General Priesthood session of conference. The wonderful brothers and sisters who have expressed their support for you in this forum speak from their hearts, from testimony and sadly, from experience in some cases. You love your husband and your family, it is evident. You are concerned about keeping your family intact. Martie, you are a daughter of God and as such deserve the divine respect which He wants you to have. After all that's been said in this forum, and your suffering, is there any doubt this problem of your husband won't eventually destroy your family?

While serving as a Stake High Counselor, only men ever came before us in disciplinary counsels, and always for sexual transgressions. Pornography almost always played a part in their downfall. Whether you've been married in the temple or not your Bishop AND your Stake President have an interest in your family that is real and genuine. If you feel in going to your current bishop is not working then go to your Stake President. Yes, as an earlier comment said, your husband is in denial, he also is not being truthful, honest or honorable. I'm very sorry. Now it is your children, the innocent who have to be protected. This is not what a Celestial marriage is make of. Being a man in this society or any is not an excuse for any use of pornography or lusting after other women. Either he is true to his covenants or he is not. There may be some things that can be drawn out over time for an improvement to emerge but his problem is not one of them as it will only get worse. Go your your Bishop or Stake President. You have the support of Jesus Christ and his prophet.

I add my prayers to others on your behalf.

O.

[martie]

Thank you so much to all of your for your responses. It's a "funny" thing-- I still am stunned each time I see someone say that what my husband is doing is wrong! It has been so many years that I have been silent, that I have felt more and more alone. It is great to find a support system. Thank you so very much!

Well, about a month ago I went to my bishop and he was wonderful and supportive. He is a wise man and his counsel was much needed. He immediately set me up to get counseling and I have attended twice, which has been amazing. My counselor is LDS, and she is a very good woman. My husband has not asked why I am attending and has not asked what I talked to the bishop about, but he is certainly seeking to control his temper more, now that he knows something is going on. He is also giving me attention now, which is quite unusual. I know it is somewhat superficial, but at least it is something. As far as the gawking goes, it is the same. The bishop is supposedly going to talk to my husband, but that has not happened yet. Everyone is a bit worried about what will happen if he is confronted since he tends to have an explosive temper.

So, I am biding my time and watching and waiting. I must say, it is really nerve-wracking!

I need to run. Thank you again for everything. I appreciate it so much.

Martie

[Dr T]

"explosive temper" that looks like what? Assault? Yelling? Throwing things? Will he be in danger in that situation?

Dr. T

[martie]

Well, it's me again. Nothing has changed. Our bishop finally tried to talk to dh a couple of months ago. It was awful and dh would not speak about the problem at all besides cursing once and calling me a liar. Bishop took me aside afterwards and said he is at a loss and that he doesn't know what to do next, and that the ball in in my court. He is afraid that is we try more aggressively to do something about this, life will become all the more miserable at home. So, if I say the word, he will do something more, but otherwise he is going to just step back a notch. He really wants to help, but he doesn't know what to do. So, dh keeps gawking at women and crushing on everything sexy that walks by, and I just keep the pain to myself. If dh wants anything, I am right there for him, but otherwise I just put 110% into raising my children, and I try to hide my pain. From what I can tell, he thinks I am perfectly happy. I think he is totally mentally ill. He has no clue about what is real. Ohhhh, and mean and nasty is always right under the surface.

So, yeah, I'm hurting. And I guess this is the way it will stay.

Oh, and I tried counseling for 6 months and I got tired of the counselor falling asleep on me. Do you know how it makes you feel to be telling someone how lonely you are and how you really need someone to talk to, and then you look up and she is sound asleep? This is a small town, so that's it for the counseling for me.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty lousy about life.

[MaidservantX]

Obviously this is only my two cents; you should not make a decision like this without the bishop, third-party professionals, and revelation from the Lord -- with those disclaimers however --

Why does it have to stay that way? You do not have to subject yourself to this. You would not subject any other daughter of God to this, so why you?

I want to make another disclaimer. I am perhaps advocating something I never found my way out of. I did not want to live with my husband and yet I continued to do so because it seemed to be the overall best situation -- but sometimes I would wonder -- this defines best?? My situation was much milder than yours, I was not abused by my husband. I know you may not say that yours is abusing you, but I just mean I made a decision to "stay" that required me to live in deep emotional, psychological and spiritual pain. Was I right or was I wrong? I still think I was right.

My mother left my step father after 17 years of marriage. He never abused her, per say, either. But she was dead and not alive and was not being responded to in her efforts to heal the marriage. She finally decided that she was a daughter of God and that life was too short. Did things become great after leaving?? No, there were new trials. But 10 years out from that divorce, I think she is relieved she left when she did.

I am not saying to divorce. There are a lot of things you can do to become your own person and wash your hands of your husband, at least for the time being, from within the marriage (as long as you are NOT in any abusive danger). Also, specifically pray to Heavenly Father for deliverance. Use that exact word and then don't attach yourself to what that deliverance might be -- God can do a lot of things and it might be a surprise -- it could even be a healing of the marriage.

I hope I am not too plain. I am speaking from my own experience so if it does not apply, take it with a grain of salt, and please know that I think you are an amazing person. I believe you can find your way to having peace and healing in your life (some things may always hurt, eh?)

[Guest Yediyd]

Hate to sound like a jerk here...but I would not stand for that kind of treatment from my spouse...I would leave.

Oh yeah....I DID leave!

It was painfull, but the right decision for me...Not saying it is for you.

[vinny15]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

I can assure you a bishop wouldnt say pornography is perfectly normal. Now if you didnt tell him the whoe truth for instance if you only said he looks at other woman when they walk by than that is normal, but if mentioned hes obssesed with it etc. than the bishop wouldve done something about it.

So Im just wondering what did you actually say to the bishop?

[lair007]

I have never done this before, and I can hardly believe I am doing this now.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We were married right out of high school and had children right away. We actually have 8 children, including one who is on a mission and another who is in college.

I was very naive when we married, and it took me a long time to realize that my husband had a problem. Then I started noticing things-- some subtle, like how he always hesitated a long time over the women's underwear sections in catalogs, and some not-so-subtle things, like coming home with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his backpack. I have spent the past 16 years with heartache,watching him "babe-watch" and turn his head after every scantily dressed woman, every woman in tight jeans, every beautiful woman at the beach, every Victoria's Secret store window, even sisters in our wards. When I have spoken to him about this, he becomes furious. He swears it is all in my head. He says I am making it up. Last year he came from a year-long military assignment overseas and his computer was full of the stuff he supposedly does not look at-- pictures of women wearing almost nothing-- and literally thousands of them. And yes, I did look. I confronted him and he became stone cold and would not speak to me for days.

He is totally obsessed.

After so many years of silence, I finally went to our bishop, which was incredibly difficult to do. He was no help at all, and said it's perfectly normal. He did not understand the level of what I am talking about. Imagine going out to dinner or to a movie or to church, and having your spouse so obsessed with gawking at women that he does not even hear a word you say. That is my life. Literally, I do not want to go anywhere with him. I am physically ill when he goes anywhere. Magazines at the checkout in WalMart hypnotize him. Waitresses, movies, TV, women at school functions, more.

On the rare occasions that my husband admits to what he does, he maintains that what he does is not porno, so there is nothing wrong with it. He says it does not arouse him, and he only looks at them because they are "pretty".

I should mention that we have a VERY good physical relationship. I have tried earnestly to help him, to talk to him, to resolve this with him. I have fasted and prayed hundreds of times. He will not go to counseling, and if I went, he would know why, and that would make him very upset.

We have moved recently, and we have a very well-seasoned bishop. Would it be appropriate to go talk to him? What would he do? Could he help us?

Please know that I truly love my husband, and I am dedicated to our marriage. I am just worn to a frazzled state with worrying and watching him gawk. I cannot bear living like this! I want to feel joy in life, and this is starting to really consume me.

I could really use two things-- a friend who understands, and some good advice. Besides that one bishop, I have never told a soul. I cannot keep it in much longer.

Martie

[Fiannan]

I don't know, if your bishop is not willing to act like a Taliban and issue a fatwah on your husband then just keep looking. Men are not supposed to gawk at women -- not all do I can assure you. I know a guy who is in a commited relationship and he doesn't check out all the girls at all. He respects his boyfriend way too much to do that.

[cchrissys1]

first of all know that it is not your fault and you are not being insecure by having an issue with this. your bishop is always the best step. your fasting and praying may need to be aimed at him becoming more devoted to the Lord becouse he is following after his cardel self and his agency can not be interfered with. it get's technical. he has to admit with in that he is wrong. as long as he is in denial you have a mess. i'm sorry your stuck dealing with this. Have faith in the Lord and strengthen your own devotion to the gospel and that can help bring the result you need or give you the strength and knowlege to deal with it. it is an addiction new to our times. strengthening the Gospel in your home will pave the way for him to change.