Frustrated with husband's addiction...

[Suzie]

Jane, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. Did you go to this orientation hoping your husband will help you out with the kids? It seems to me his mind was in school and he wanted to be by himself yet it seems to me that you pushed yourself, going out with two very young kids and then expect him to solve it? Now, before I get beaten let me say that his behavior towards you or the children is not justified in the least however, it seems to me (based on what you are saying) that he made clear he didn't want you and the kids going out with him at his orientation because he suspected something like that would happen but you dismissed his concern and said you would handle it but then got angry when he didn't help?

I know that you probably want to go out and do things of course!... When kids are that young parents feel house-bounded many times and yet it is a challenge we all go through at some point but this too shall pass...

It seems like you guys are under a lot of stress and having young kids adds to that stress. Are you all receiving counseling?

[Suzie]

Almost forgot. He mausterbated last night. He told me this morning since he was stressed and couldn't sleep. He thought it would help. AGIUYTIOUYHHLJKBN!! It's all my fault now.

Oh, it seems like there are more issues than just this orientation problem. How exactly is your fault because he masturbated?

[JaneDoe]

He is receiving couselling for his addiction. I guess I feel like it's my fault he acted out since we went.

I did completely dismiss his concern. I was being selfish because I wanted to get out of the house. I thought after orientation we could have a nice dinner together as a family, but that is hard going out with the kids being so young. I get frustrated easily and so does he.

[Suzie]

He is receiving couselling for his addiction. I guess I feel like it's my fault he acted out since we went.

I did completely dismiss his concern. I was being selfish because I wanted to get out of the house. I thought after orientation we could have a nice dinner together as a family, but that is hard going out with the kids being so young. I get frustrated easily and so does he.

Oh I don't know your personal situation, I didn't know he is going through an addiction, my reply was simply based on what you wrote. Like I said, it seems like you are both very stressed and kids that young can stress you out even more! Do you have anyone who can watch them a couple of days a week for an hour so you can go out with your husband alone and have dinner or watch a movie?

Having said that, he also needs to understand that those are HIS KIDS as well and BOTH of you should help out.

[JaneDoe]

Do you have anyone who can watch them a couple of days a week for an hour so you can go out with your husband alone and have dinner or watch a movie?

Having said that, he also needs to understand that those are HIS KIDS as well and BOTH of you should help out.

My in-laws watch them once a week so we can have a date night.

I am constantly asking for help from him. I WISH he would just OFFER instead of me sounding like a nagging house wife asking for help. I have said this to him many times. "I want you to offer or take over or SOMETHING instead of me always asking for help."

[JaneDoe]

Are ALL men this oblivous when it comes to helping out with the kids???!

[Guest]

Are ALL men this oblivous when it comes to helping out with the kids???!

No.

[JudoMinja]

It sounds like you are both very stressed out and need some good stress relief. Small children can be a big handful in public, especially eating out. I know several parents who won't even take their kids out to eat until they are old enough to have good table manners and stay seated. That might be something you want to consider since you are both short on patience.

You need to recognize your limits and not purposely push yourself into situations that will be overly stressful. If there is something you know you won't be able to handle, don't do it! Find a different way to have fun and get out of the house. It sounds like that is what your husband was trying to do with his orientation, but he didn't really go about it the best way. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle the stress of the kids on top of his already stressful orientation and just told you to stay home. It was a valid concern, but he could have discussed it with you and looked for some other possible options that you two could compromise on, just as you probably could have done some better listening and recognizing his concerns instead of overlooking them and just doing what you wanted to do.

It's okay! Miscommunications happen. It is part of marriage. Don't take responsibility for his behavior onto yourself, but also don't put all the blame on him either. Finding the line between what you did wrong, what he did wrong, what you have control over, what you don't have control over, and what you both could have done better is tricky and takes time. Now, when you have a chance to calm down and destress you can go back and analyze this situation to figure out what you can learn from it and where you can improve. Don't beat yourself up over it, because that won't do any good. You can't change what has happened, but you can learn from it.

I think you both need to work on your communication and destressing skills. A lot of what you are dealing with is very common for married couples with little kids. It takes time to figure out what works best for you guys and how you can overcome your weaknesses. It takes even more time to figure out how to work together and deal with things as a team instead of individually. If he's trying to do things his way and you're trying to do things your way, you are going to continue to have a lot of clashing moments like this.

So, key points:

Destress.

Communicate.

Figure out your limits and set them.

Accept what you cannot change/control and let it go.

It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to have problems. And it's okay to talk about them with someone who won't break your confidence (like a good friend or a counselor). I don't remember them very clearly because I was little, but my parents went through a lot of situations like the one you described. They still sometimes have disagreements and get frustrated with each other due to bad communication, but they've worked out most of their kinks and are very happy. I know you are dealing with a LOT, but most of it is the normal stresses of learning how to work and live together as a family. I'm sure you can get through it. :)

[estradling75]

Are ALL men this oblivous when it comes to helping out with the kids???!

Nope... But from the limited amount you have shared it seems you are a matched set when it comes to being oblivious to each others needs

[JaneDoe]

Nope... But from the limited amount you have shared it seems you are a matched set when it comes to being oblivious to each others needs

I guess so. Thanks for the uplifting comment.

[Guest]

I don't hear an oblivious woman, I hear someone under enormous stress who is desperate for some relief and connection with her husband. I think under normal circumstances, a getaway to the beach sounds like fun. Her husband was being unreasonable. Maybe he was expecting an opportunity to tune in to the porn channel and she cramped his style? Why would a young husband not want his wife and children with him on a little vacation?

[estradling75]

I guess so. Thanks for the uplifting comment.

If you are looking for people to tell you that your husband is a dirty, rotten, pathetic loser, with major issues... Well I am sure you can find some(just not with me). But that is not going to help you save your marriage. And since your husband isn't the one online and asking, anything that we say he should do, isn't going to help you.

I would recommend reading the book His Needs, Her Needs

[JaneDoe]

If you are looking for people to tell you that your husband is a dirty, rotten, pathetic loser, with major issues... Well I am sure you can find some(just not with me). But that is not going to help you save your marriage. And since your husband isn't the one online and asking, anything that we say he should do, isn't going to help you.

I would recommend reading the book His Needs, Her Needs

Thank you for the book recommendation.

I am NOT looking for people to tell me any of those things. Honestly, I have NO ONE to talk to in person about this. Other than my Bishop. I can't tell close friends about his addiction. I wish I could confide in them, but I can't. SO this is where I can go to vent. It's theraputic for me. Everything that Judanija stated in her comment is exactly what I needed to hear right now. That's what I was looking for. Thank you, JudaNija!

[JaneDoe]

Oops. I mean *JudoMinja!

[estradling75]

Thank you for the book recommendation.

I am NOT looking for people to tell me any of those things. Honestly, I have NO ONE to talk to in person about this. Other than my Bishop. I can't tell close friends about his addiction. I wish I could confide in them, but I can't. SO this is where I can go to vent. It's theraputic for me. Everything that Judanija stated in her comment is exactly what I needed to hear right now. That's what I was looking for. Thank you, JudaNija!

Good. While I don't necessarily jump to the same conclusion as Eowyn as to why he wanted to be alone, it does seem to be a bit off. But once he expressed that desire the fact that you ran right over the top of it to do what you wanted... well there are only so many ways a guy might take that.

The biggest one that I think is most likely is that he thinks that you don't care about his thoughts, feelings or desires. Then the rest of the weekend could very well have been a simple tit for tat response. A 'if you don't care about me, why should I care about you.' Its not healthy or good response. But it is very human one.

[MorningStar]

I don't get it. It's not like he had an exam to take. It's just an orientation. Sounds like he was looking forward to a relaxing time by himself and probably in the back of his mind was the fact that it would be a good opportunity to indulge in his addiction. Whether he wanted you there or not, it's no excuse not to discipline his own child. I doubt other people in the restaurant appreciated it. Sounds like he was being passive aggressive, teaching you that next time, you don't bring the kids along.

[JaneDoe]

Just a quick update:

My hubby and I talked this evening, and all is well now. He admitted that he overracted and apologized. He is stressed out with starting a Master's program. With all the information they gave him at orientation, he felt inadequate to be there. He's books smart, but sometimes lacks in common sense. He gets anxiety, stresses out easily, and doesn't have confidence in himself because of his addiction... Kids do add stress to situations. I should have waited until next week to plan a beach trip when things calm down. I can be hard headed and selfish by wanting to do things my way. Anyway, we both have problem areas we need to work on. I appreciate being able to come on here and vent. And I most certainly appreciate those comments that are most helpful. Thank you all for listening and putting in your two cents. :)

[Guest fadedleaf]

I'm probably going to say something unpopular here, but I don't think that masturbation is as much as a dilemma as it an inconvenient perception that the other person is disgusting, lewd, or perverted - IMOP. I don't understand (perhaps don't want to understand) the necessity to control the other partners sexual desire to the point that he/she can only have the thought of one person in their sexual conscious at all times - period.

To me it would be more realistic to recognize that people are after all human and going to make mistakes. I make mistakes every day. I'm probably making a mistake writing this response. However, I substantiate the concept my spouse isn't going to have me in her waking thoughts every minute of every day. I do though, take comfort in the thought that at the end of the night my wife hasn't committed infidelity, even at the cost of a wondering eye (or wondering hand).

[girlygirl]

Faded leaf I definitely hear where you are coming from and I agree that it is practically impossible to keep a guys thoughts on just his spouse, that's just plain controlling! Saying that though there is a difference between checking a cute girl out, (shes dressed to be attractive so obviously she is going to attract attention) versus checking a cute girl out and then entertaining a thought process afterwards about her. I don't think the latter is lewed or perverted, but when you are married she shouldn't be entertaining those thoughts any more then necessary.

One thing I really have come to realize with how I was raised and see some people in different circumstances is that if you make the bar high, people will just fall a little short, if you set the bar low, then they will fall lower.

In this case, with a spouse I think it is important to communicate that you do not accept masturbation as a practice, and if it happens once in awhile, you kind of talk about it, and try to be better next time. If you say, oh it's not too bad, your not cheating on me, then it might open up greater temptations to fall into such as pornography.

[Guest Cartman]

That comment was priceless.

[JaneDoe]

So my husband wants to be actively involved in helping him overcome his addiction to pornography. He doesn't have to look at naked images on the computer to have a relapse. There are things that trigger him in lustful thoughts. His thoughts are his worst enemy. Clevage, inappropriate clothing, short shorts, swim suits, covers of magazines at the grocery store, etc... All these types of things trigger thoughts in his mind and he relapses. So I've been proactive in avoiding going places that would have women dressed this way, but are we suppose to live in a bubble our whole life? When does he take responsiblity and learn how to have self control? Look away. Don't double take. Don't stare. Think wholesome thoughts. His brain is damage. I realize that. I love him dearly. He asks for my help. He wants my help. But how much should I really be involved? It's a daily battle...

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

This is a tough question as everyones case is different. My personal feeling is you should be very involved and a strong support when he needs it, at the same time you won't be able to overcome this for him and no you cannot live in a bubble. Unfortunately sex sells in this world and you will never be able to avoid all the things you mentioned all the time.

Talk with him and listen to his struggles, strengthen him with positive reinforcement, even this will be a really big help to him. Self esteem is really lowered in one overcoming an addiction so focus on the positive things he has done and not the relapses. Compliment him on his progress so far. The fact that he wants to overcome this and is taking the steps to make it happen says a lot about his character and willingness to show his love for you and your marriage and family, already I respect him for doing that.

From some of your recent post I'm guessing, him trying to overcome this is fairly recent event. The first while, if it be weeks, months or even a year will be the hardest. If he is sincerely making an effort, he can overcome this, but it will take time and yes it will eventually get easier for both him and you.

[Landy77]

I am not going to defend your husband, simply try and give an insight on the thoughts of what drives the male egoe. The number one reason men look at porn is because that is how men figured all that out when we hit puberty. Men are insecure in that area and are afraid of not knowing what to do when that time in our lives comes. In all honesty that insecurity never goes away. Over time we replace that insecurity with some other thing in our lives we are lacking. Either we have a disconnect with our spouse, feel inadequate at work or not connecting like we want in the bedroom. So we go back to how we dealt with being insecure about sex when we were younger.

I don't know if this will help you find your answer or not. There have been studies on how often men think about sex. Feel free to look them up, but I think I read a man thinks about sex every four seconds when he is awake. Quite honestly men are wired like that. Some are less than others, but we are all the same. Now if we act on that impulse either with our spouse or someone else is the big issue you are trying to resolve. If your husband has a bigger sex drive than you do that is something you two have to figure out. I would probe his feelings about other parts of his life and see if he is not using this to cope with something else. I might have people disagree with what I have said here but you might be surprised.

[JudoMinja]

When I was working to overcome my addiction, I cut myself off from everything that caused even the remotest thought of relapse. I went six months without even using a computer, because even if it was in a public location or had no internet connection, the fact that I was using a computer would trigger memories and thoughts that would bring up that inner desire. What was hardest for me though was going to bed. Just being alone in a dark room brought on the temptations. So, I did a LOT of scripture reading and focused the majority of my scripture time right before going to bed.

It is good that your husband is trying to avoid what triggers things for him. I cannot say how long it will be, because everyone is different, but the fact that he is willing to be so strict and stringent with himself is a good sign. I struggled for awhile, but every time I had a relapse I would thoroughly examine the scenario that led to the relapse and cut whatever triggered it out of my life. It took some time and some doing and some serious restrictions, but I was eventually able to regain self-control.

Now, I still have moments where I feel weak and drawn to take up my previous sins- especially times that I start feeling lonely or depressed. BUT- I figured out what I needed to do to stay in control. I now know how to recognize when urges are getting strong enough that I need to take a break from those things that could tempt me and spiritually recharge. It was something I had to learn to conquer for myself. It didn't really have that big of an immediate affect on anyone else since I had no spouse to go through it with me, but understand that these restrictions will be lessened as he learns to control his appetites. I know what it's like to be in his shoes, and it is hard. You start feeling absorbed by the addiction as it constantly pulls at you and seems to be the only thing you can think about. But, as long as he sticks to it and doesn't give in, he will be able to overcome it. Eventually, it will just be something in the back of his mind that only resurfaces now and then, something he can easily set aside because he knows how to stay in control.

You two can get through this. :) And if you ever need a pep-talk, feel free to ask me.

[Brother_Anon]

In all honesty, is he looking at porn, or just masturbating? If it's the latter, and doesn't involve porn, it's not something you need to get all worked up over.

At the same time, and I'll put this as delicately as possible, how is the "intimate" relationship between the two of you? Research shows that for most men under the age of 60, after about 3 days of no "intimate" contact, it gets more and more difficult to avoid trying to find a... release. This is the point, again, for most men, when the short skirts/tight tops/tabloid bikini images can begin to become a distraction.

Now, all of this depends on your feelings of masturbation within a marriage, something the church is silent on, although others might disagree. (And I'll gladly debate why we feel it's ok. :>)