Should i put filter on husbands work computer?

[teshadawn]

OKay, so I am one of the many wives who has been dealing with her husbands pornagraphy addiction. Going on 6 years. He does want to change. Yet he has not hit the point where he will do anything to change. He also has not had a change of heart:(. WE have done everything you can think of.

Just recently HE went and got a labtop that he expensed for work. I told him he needed to put a filter on it. HE said no! That they don't work and he cant get on important work websites when he has them on. I was debating if i should just get his computer when he's sleeping and put a filter on it anyway? Would that be trying to take control of his addiction or help me with my recovery? So many questions with this addiction! WHen to let go and let god and when to be supportive. Such a challenge! Advice anyone?

[slamjet]

Don't make his addiction your issue. It hurts, but it's not your issue, it's his. Leave his computer alone. If you put anything on it you will only build resentment, conflict and hatred. He's an addict, that's just the way we are. Plus filters don't work. There are so many ways to defeat them and I can assure you, he knows how.

Love him and support him. If he brings it into the home, if he steps out on you, consider taking the kids and leave, or tell him to go. You're #1 responsibility is you and your children. What is not your responsibility is his addiction. It will take years for him to work through it but it will not happen until he hit's some sort of bottom.

Just remember it's should not be WE have done everything WE can think of. It should be HE is doing everything HE can think of and I am being as supportive as I can be. It's not your fight, it's his.

[Guest Sachi001]

Sorry for your situation, but NO it would more than likely only anger him. Don't do anything to his computer. The change has to come from inside himself. You can't do it for him.

As for:

"HE said no! That they don't work and he cant get on important work websites when he has them on."

That's not true at all. You can bypass filters in several ways. Especially since he is the administrator for that laptop. He either genuinely doesn't know how. Toward which no doubt he will get someone to show him how. Else he already knows how, and is just not being truthful in the assertion. That's why putting a filter on his laptop won't work. He will just bypass such.

Like I said change has to be spiritually motivated form his own spirit. Have you been to your Bishop for discussion on help for you both? If he doesn't want to go. See the Bishop for help for yourself. LDS should have support on how to deal for those affected, and how to get through it. Even for those who are affected by their spouses addiction.

[teshadawn]

How do I let HIM work on HIS addiction without getting walked all over? And how do I set boundries?

[slamjet]

Leave him, or tell him to leave. Make it plain and clear what you will not tolerate and what will happen if he crosses over the line. When he does, stick to it. Addicts need a 2x4 between the eyes before they get the point.

For example, I have a friend who was into porn and stepping out. His wife took the kids and took them to her parents and told him that he either straightens up or it's over. He was so shaken by it that he got on back on track. She came back and he's still on track because he woke up and saw what he was going to loose. He decided his family was more important than his addiction.

Another example, I was addicted and wouldn't straighten up until I really messed up everything. She left with the kids. We're divorced now because she properly and wisely made her and the kids #1 and stepped away from my addictions. We are very best of friends and she let's me see the kids most any time I wish. In both examples, we were left to take care of our issues on our own. It was a blessing to be able to take care of our addictions without the stress of kids.

Those are both the nickle tour of our processes, but I don't know your situation and it's something you should talk to your Bishop AND a therapist. And keep being prayerful. Heavenly Father will help and let you know what you need to do.

[Guest Sachi001]

How do I let HIM work on HIS addiction without getting walked all over? And how do I set boundaries?

Stop! Do not bring ultimatums yet. Like I said this is a nature of spirituality. Make an appointment ASAP with your Bishop first before taking any other drastic action!

Your Bishop regarding your spirituality is the only person you should be counseling with regarding this matter. He is the representative of the Lord in your ward. No one else on here is to advise you on what actions to take toward the family unit. This is church policy.

[slamjet]

Sachi,it's not that simple. Yes, there is a measure of spirituality involved, but addiction is more complicated than that. Certain steps need to be made, certain decisions need to be arrived at and a certain amount of faith and will power needs to be exercised before the balance of temporal and spirituality can be achieved. I do agree that she needs to speak with her Bishop and keep him in the loop. She (they) need to also see a therapist to deal with many other issues.

[Guest Sachi001]

Yes the addiction problem is complicated, and there is counseling services that the bishop will offer. She is seeking answers that we should as members of this church direct her to the proper representative. No one else should be counseling from here. Even I pushed the envelope to far in my original post.

CHOI HNDB 1

addition to the inspired help of Church leaders, members may need professional counseling. In the United States and Canada, stake presidents and bishops may contact LDS Family Services to identify resources to provide such counseling in harmony with gospel principles (1-801-240-1711; 1-800-453-3860, extension 2-1711; or ldsfamilyservices.org). Outside the United States and Canada, stake presidents may contact the Area Presidency for guidance.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Sachi001

[JaneDoe]

You know I'm married to an addict, as well. If I were in this situation, I wouldn't put a filter on there when he's sleeping. He'll find out eventually that one was put on there without him knowing, and he would most likely get upset I went behind his back to do this. I know you are looking out for his well being, but change has to start with him. I would ask him what would our Savior want you to do? You have to try and set up guards because you better believe when the guards (filters) are down, Satan will sneak in.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

How do I let HIM work on HIS addiction without getting walked all over? And how do I set boundries?

I think that is a conversation you need to have with your Bishop, and perhaps a therapist.

It seems possible that the answer may be different for different people. For example, because I have a history of child abuse, the idea of someone close to me using pornography is very triggering (I have PTSD). I simply could not, would not live with that. But that is in large part to wounds that I am still trying to heal, the situation and tolerance level for you may be very different, and that is ok.

Bottom line, you need someone like your Bishop that knows YOUR situation to counsel you in this. But I will say FWIW, that it is a red flag to me that he says he wants to change but does nothing and then refuses to do something like filters to at least slow things down in a moment of weakness. That does not sound like someone who wants to change to me...I think Slamjet is right, perhaps it will take a separation to get through to him...those are my honest thoughts, but please don't make any decisions based on them...talk to someone that knows you and knows your situation.

[NeuroTypical]

Should i put filter on husbands work computer?

No.

I was debating if i should just get his computer when he's sleeping and put a filter on it anyway?

No.

Would that be trying to take control of his addiction or help me with my recovery?

Yes. You can't manipulate or force him into being good.

Advice anyone?

You can't control him.

Sorry.

[tat88]

He need to know the ramifications of what he is doing to your Family, the Church has a great program that is out there in many areas and is also available by phone. ARP , many Bishops do not realize this is available and is available by phone in if there is not one in your area. This is a 12 step program and as an addict he needs to go through it and work and it will cure him, it might take many time through the step but it works. There is also ones that cover just Porn as an addiction. Encourage him to attend these meeting and make sure he is aware of the ramifications of this on his marriage.

[skippy740]

I'm going to chime in on a very different point of view on this one.

Because the laptop was "expensed" for work, does it mean that the laptop belongs to the company he works for? (Assuming he's not completely self-employed.)

I was issued a laptop for a job I had a few years ago. I installed the Firefox browser on it. I got a phone call telling me to NEVER install any non-approved software on the computer. This was just another (better) web browser... and I nearly got my head cut-off for it. I'd hate to think of what would've happened if I installed an internet browsing filter on that computer!

Yes, it's stupid. But if it's not "his property", he probably has no right to install any software that isn't "company approved". And there are plenty of ways that IT departments can monitor the kinds of software being used on each machine in the entire infrastructure of the company.

[Just_A_Guy]

Just recently HE went and got a labtop that he expensed for work. I told him he needed to put a filter on it. HE said no! That they don't work and he cant get on important work websites when he has them on.

Assuming that what Skippy suggests is not an issue, then maybe you should suggest your husband get a passive observer program like X3 Watch--it doesn't filter anything; it just sends an automatic email to an "accountability partner" if the user visits any questionable sites. (Also comes for Android smartphones - I have it on mine.)

If he still refuses, I think that's a BIG red flag that he's still using, and that he wants to continue using. And you'll need to act accordingly.

I was debating if i should just get his computer when he's sleeping and put a filter on it anyway?

Absolutely not. His refusal to acknowledge a problem and take reasonable steps to keep the problem from recurring, would be everything you really need to know in this case. Going behind his back will just inflame the situation and turn you into the "bad guy".

Edited July 19, 2011 by Just_A_Guy

[Dreams_Of_Deutschland]

I was debating if i should just get his computer when he's sleeping and put a filter on it anyway?

Can you spell Co-dependency?

Teshadawn, you won't help him by doing this. He needs to make the choice about filters. He needs to make the change, and in order for that to happen, he needs to have the desire to change.

Support him, be patient, and think about how much help you might need from him if you had cancer? "Shoe on the other foot" sort of thinking might help you develop some patience and understanding.

Remove the shame of it from your relationship, encourage him to report slips to you, and make it a series of progressions rather than failings. I think Slamjet has a posting about this in another thread...

There is my 2 cents worth.

Good luck and hang in there!

[RescueMom]

I am going to say no to going behind his back. I would also suggest getting into some sort of co-dependent therapy group for yourself. It will help you know how to deal with this issue, your husband is an addict and you wanting to control his recovery is a huge codependent action. You can not do it, you can however control your actions, not reactions to his actions, and therapy will give you the tools to do so.

[Guest]

[Martain]

You asked if he would be willing to put a filter on his work computer and he said no indicating his objection was that it would get in the way of his work.

Reading between the lines I assume that you've already done so for the home computer and that this IS making a difference.

The filter I use is 'K9'. Every time a website is pulled up that meets what I've restricted it gives me the option to type in the override password. I can even at that point put it in supervisor mode for up to an hour in order to allow everything.

Here is your rebuttal.

"Well why don't we install a filter and give you the override password. It won't prevent you from accessing any website but will give you a warning if what is being pulled up is something you don't want to be seeing."

Logically his objection is then no longer valid at that point because it's simply not true. Hence he will either offer an additional objection or he will accept and install a filter.

I once worked for DirecTV and a trainer told me of one of her calls where a husband called up and wanted to order a pornographic movie. She asked him for the password and he said he knew it but didn't want to give it. They went back and forth over him being unable to order this movie without the password until he finally gave in and gave the password. The password however was "Jesus Christ" and after giving it he said to forget the movie as he no longer wanted to watch it.

You could apply the same principal to the filter put on his work computer. If using the K9 Filter, set the password up as something like "God is watching me", put the email address as yours so he can not change the password and then give him the password.

None of this will prevent him from viewing it if he is determined to do so or even from uninstalling it either. What it will do is add an extra layer of protection. It will also serve to increase his level of accountability in regards to his actions. One can't really argue that it was an accident if they had to input a password to override the filter in order to access it.

Alma 32:13 And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.

There are those in my life where I have offered up a prayer that goes something like this:

"Heavenly Father? I'm really don't know what else to do about _____. Please, if there be no better way, even though I know it will hurt them greatly, let them be humbled by thy hand for perhaps they will then repent and turn unto thee. I don't care what it will take, please help them."

There are those who will humble themselves unto repentance without being compelled to do so. Yet for those that do not humble themselves it would be better for events in their life to compel them to be humbled rather than continue in sin for in being humbled they may repent.

Has your husband reached this point?

[RMGuy]

I'll speak to your direct question, and not to the problem with which you are struggling (I'll leave that up to your ecclesiastical leaders). If he is self employed (you have joing ownership of the business) and has expensed the work laptop you could place a filter on the laptop. If he expensed the laptop to an external employer, you probably shouldn't install any software on the machine. It is a work machine, and as a non-employee you shouldn't really be modifying company property. However, if the latter is true, depending on work policies he could find himself in a job jeopardy situation if they discover porn on that machine.

-RM

[zuko725]

I understand the pain you are going through, but I highly suggest you don't mess with his computer.

First of all, he is your husband, not your child and trying to control what he can and can't do will only cause more problems. If he sees that you snuck and put a filter on there, he's going to be mad and will feel like you're trying to control him, which will only result in disaster.

Second of all, your husband is addicted to porn and if he wants to watch porn, he's going to find a way to watch it whether the laptop is filtered or not.

My advice is to keep praying for him and to just love him. If he feels like you're angry or untrusting of him he's not going to feel very motivated to try to change.

Hugs to you and good luck, I know how much this must hurt

[MorningStar]

Putting a filter on his computer isn't going to change his heart. I know it hurts, but he has to decide to change. At the same time, you have your agency and can decide whether you can tolerate sharing a home with a man who isn't dedicated to fighting this addiction. He can't change your feelings about that. It gives a wife a lot more peace of mind when her husband is the one initiating the safeguards.