How to raise chaste kids?

[girlygirl]

I am married to a husband who has recently converted. We our very much in love and has a great courtship, the only thing that could have been a deal breaker was because he was not a member, he looked at pornography. Through my support he was able to break the habit which is a great accomplishment seeing as the world does not view this as a bad thing at all, even within marriage. I know the lord really gave me strength to bear with him and be by his side while he was looking at these images because I am a bit jealous and would have otherwise never been willing to work through this situation as it really hurt alot. When I think of us starting a family, the thing that stresses me out the most is getting my potential boys to steer clear of the stuff. It seems impossible! I grew up in a small town and watched MTV and all that stuff, now I am in the city I see how different it is- kids talk about stuff I wouldn't in my wildest dreams been talking about with my friends, MTV and TV in general is bordering pornographic now. Things have really changed in the last 10 years. My husband said he was exposed to porn from friends who had their dads magazines, internet etc from an early age (12). Is it going to be impossible to steer my kids away from this without completely wrapping them up in cotton wool and sheltering them??? Also what do you teach them about masturbation? I mean, I know the church teaches you should not do this, however, I know how hard it is as a male to withold these feelings. I had one church member exboyfriend who told me flat out it was impossible and didn't know why the church would teach something so stupid. Should I teach my kids there is no exception and make them live in guilt through their adolescence? Or teach them this is the 'ideal' way but if they fall short it is okay, enabling us to have more trust an openness? I know this is stupid to be worrying about it right now, but I just see the extreme pain I went through and want to make sure I raise good boys that dont have to put another woman in the situation I was in. And I know this is becoming a huge issue and just have a feeling this is going to be one of my biggest battles with my teens.... Any suggestions?

[ontherighttrack]

ggg

[AGStacker]

girlygirl -

My biggest suggestion is not to allow it in your home. Internet in ONE computer in a VERY open area. Filters help. Some people say don't put filters but that's retarded. You have to not only be on the DEFENSE but also the OFFENSE! Protect your home! Read an pray as a family.

I would get your kids in private schools but this is expensive. Mainly do what the Lord has asked. Read, pray, ponder, worship, attend Church. You DON'T need cable. You also don't need internet but I find the internet to be VERY beneficial besides the wicked parts. Have one TV either in your bedroom to spend time with your husband and watch movies or have one in an open family room. Kids DO NOT need a TV in their rooms. Just use your brain. You can't control your kids. Kids grow up best when they are TAUGHT how to use their agency correctly and not FORCED to use it 'correctly'.

GLTY

[Guest tbaird22]

The biggest thing i think is to have FHE and Family Scripture/Prayer. I grew up without these (in a fully LDS home) and i think it would of made a big difference.

[girlygirl]

AG Stacker, do you think private schools are better then public schools morally wise? I went to Catholic school for a few years, do you think enrolling children in a church school if you have the possible option is better then public? I definitely agree with the TV rule, our family only had TV in the living room growing up and I remember that being awesome because as soon as something bad came on I went red and turned it over quickly because my mom was just in the next room in the kitchen !

[Guest tbaird22]

Another thing, no internet phones. ever.

[girlygirl]

I know family home evening, family prayer etc. are great answers. However I feel like I had that all but the temptations occur and usually happen out of the home, how do you deal with that? How open should you be with your children?

[LDSJewess]

In my opinion, honest and open communication is the key to healthy and successful family relationships.

If you are not open and honest with your children, you will be teaching them to be deceptive and not open and honest in life.

Teaching your children to make the right choices is the job of parenting.

Although I do not believe as your boyfriend that the church rules are "stupid" I do beleive there are way to present the teachings in such a way as it does not create a sense of guilt and shame throughout adolescense and even adulthood. When religion concentrates on putting people in a mind set regarding sin, guilt and shame; there is little time for those same people to follow the Gospel by loving God and serving their fellow man because they become so focused on themselves.

A good way to keep kids in the righht direction is to keep them busy, and that means parents staying busy with them. Having Family Home Evening, as a designated time for family prayer, lessons and scripture reading is important. So is getting out in the fresh air, engaging in leisure and sports with your kids and spending time one on one with them to listen to their concerns and allowing them to ask anything, and being able to say it's ok if you don't know all the answers.

Your adolescents will still have alone time, and no doubt they will indeed explore mastrubation at one time or another. Accept it for what it is and don't try to riddle them with guilt and therapy. This behavior is indeed normal and a part of growing up. Stastically 90 persent of adolescent boys do this at one time or another, so don't assume your son will be one of the 10 percent that does not.

What is not normal though is giving them free range at the internet, TV and pronographic materials. This is not something you keep in your home and it should not be accessable at all in your home. Use a lot of parental control in this regard.

They may still mastrubate in their private moments, but without all the accessable toold and with keeping them busy with other things to occupy their minds and their bodies, this is something they will grow quickly out of rather than become obsessed with and addicted to which are very different outcomes indeed.

When you are spending time with your kids, also take time to get them involved in serving God through servicng their fellow man. It will be rewarding for them to help others and in so doing will alleviate the feelings of guilt and low self esteem that are so often prevalent in adolesense.

One last thing; try not to convery to adolescents and teens that the cure frommastrubation and sexual frustration is marriage. People often do this with the thinking it is better to be married and chaste regardless of the viability of the marriage, than to mastrubate. This can be disasterous. Sex education is important when it is age appropriate and involves honesty and open communication. There are many marriages and families that fail miserably because they married for the wrong reason, only to discover that they frustrations remain.

When a child is in their late teens and when it is ready to discuss adulthood, one should have a total comprehension of what marriage entails way beyond satisfying sexual urges. Once they do enter into the covenant of a healthy marriage they have a much better chance at being great parents n guiding the next generation.

[sharonmarie]

...after the birth of my first child, a relative came over, and lit a CIGARETTE with me and the baby sitting there...i did not know what to do - then i got up and took the baby into the bedroom...i cried...my perfectly clean, innocent child was already being subjected to filth...i asked the lord 'how can i stand to watch my child being exposed to the filth of this world!?'...my answer came a few days later...'that is what she is here for'...to be subjected to the things of this world...to be tested - but she can leave this world as innocently as she entered...through faith in jesus christ...

life is not for the weak...we ALL proved ourselves strong in the first estate...those children you will help bring into the world are eternal, powerful, proven spirits of our heavenly father - my little baby went through lots of test and trials, growing and repenting, and served a full-time mission to australia...a few months ago, she was married in the mesa temple, to a young man who served w/her there...i know she will continue to be tested, as we ALL will...but the lord will NEVER leave us or forsake us as we turn to him in our trials and temptations...

i joined the church @ age 19, and had experienced a traumatic childhood, was involved in alcohol, drugs, and all that revolves around that lifestyle @ an early age...i have been honest w/my children about my weaknesses [both past and present]...i bear testimony in church and in private how the lord saved my life...and continues to save me and show me the way as i turn to him at EVERY stage of my earthly experience...

thanks...sharon...

[girlygirl]

LDSJewess, I REALLY appreciate the wisdom in your post, and it all is very logical. However how come the bishop will interview teens often and ask them about masturbation? Do you not think this makes them often lie and feel extreme guilt?

I agree with the marriage part, someone advised me with my own relationship problems that my partners problems will dissolve once we were married. I knew this was not true and made sure things were worked out before hand!! :)

[LDSJewess]

...after the birth of my first child, a relative came over, and lit a CIGARETTE with me and the baby sitting there...i did not know what to do - then i got up and took the baby into the bedroom...i cried...my perfectly clean, innocent child was already being subjected to filth...i asked the lord 'how can i stand to watch my child being exposed to the filth of this world!?'...my answer came a few days later...'that is what she is here for'...to be subjected to the things of this world...to be tested - but she can leave this world as innocently as she entered...through faith in jesus christ...

life is not for the weak...we ALL proved ourselves strong in the first estate...those children you will help bring into the world are eternal, powerful, proven spirits of our heavenly father - my little baby went through lots of test and trials, growing and repenting, and served a full-time mission to australia...a few months ago, she was married in the mesa temple, to a young man who served w/her there...i know she will continue to be tested, as we ALL will...but the lord will NEVER leave us or forsake us as we turn to him in our trials and temptations...

i joined the church @ age 19, and had experienced a traumatic childhood, was involved in alcohol, drugs, and all that revolves around that lifestyle @ an early age...i have been honest w/my children about my weaknesses [both past and present]...i bear testimony in church and in private how the lord saved my life...and continues to save me and show me the way as i turn to him at EVERY stage of my earthly experience...

thanks...sharon...

Sharon,

I too was raised in a very unconventional and traumatic childhood and my experiences gave me a lot of strength (and my eventual children strength) to be the people we are today.

Nonme of us will be able to control if someone mastrubates, use alcohol or drugs, BUT we can control the fact that is is not done in our presence or can cause harm to ourselves

As for the issue however, of smoking around you or your baby, that is within your control. I can tell a smoker a distance away because even when they are not lighting up, I can smell it on their clothing, and can tell by the condition of their skin even on younger smokers.

My house and personal space rule is non smoking. Not outside my home on my landscaping, not outside around my pool, not in my home or in my car. I have been known to leave a public place, area of a beach, restaurant etc: when the reek of smoke is in my space.

It is a fact that people are more likely to become ill from second hand smoke than a smoker will because non smokers have not been able to have their immune system adapt to the toxins emitted by smoke.

So next time someone lights up aroud you or your child in your home, ask them to put it out. If you are at their home, tell them you cannot be there. Not only is this a religious view, to me it is about health and safety.

I actually had a friend light up over lunch and I asked her to put out her cigarette. She said "I know it is not healthy but I don't really inhale." To which I said: "Yes but I DO."

[Jennarator]

AG Stacker, do you think private schools are better then public schools morally wise? I went to Catholic school for a few years, do you think enrolling children in a church school if you have the possible option is better then public? I definitely agree with the TV rule, our family only had TV in the living room growing up and I remember that being awesome because as soon as something bad came on I went red and turned it over quickly because my mom was just in the next room in the kitchen !

I used to work at a private school. Those kids had more sex than the kids at public school. I don't think there was one vergin from 8th grade up. I am NOT kidding.

[girlygirl]

Wow! Good to know Jennarator thanks for the comment!!!

[LDSJewess]

LDSJewess, I REALLY appreciate the wisdom in your post, and it all is very logical. However how come the bishop will interview teens often and ask them about masturbation? Do you not think this makes them often lie and feel extreme guilt?

I agree with the marriage part, someone advised me with my own relationship problems that my partners problems will dissolve once we were married. I knew this was not true and made sure things were worked out before hand!! :)

Girlygirl,

Glad to offer an opinion of help. Keep in mind it is my opinion.

I am not here to speak out against the teaching of the church. And yes I understand that the Bishop may interview teens and speak to them about mastrubation.

I would hope these Bishops would speak to them though with love and understanding and in such a way as to not foster extreme guilt. To do so is non productive and not helpful. It does cause kids to lie. It also can cause people to leave the church, go inactive, delay a mission and a numbe rof other things. Once someone goes inactive, it leaves them far more open to the world and farther away fro the positive support network in the church that they truly need.

The church should be a safe haven of love, learning, understanding and serving God. It should not be a place of fostering judgement, ostricizing and guilt. When speaking with your children openly I suggest you suggest lovingly speaking of honest consequences.

Example I had regarding smoking. There is no smoking in our home because it is harmful to our over all health, and I want you to be healthy because I love you. As they are older, discuss cancer, the causes and visit or volunteer at a hospice where smokers are nearing their lifes end in misery.

The same goes for drugs and alcohol. My husband and I have a lot of non LDS friends and we go to dinners, chairty balls and social events where people drink alcohol. We opt for water, lemonaide or "virgin drinks" juices etc: When asked why we don't drink - we don't give them a religious answer. We tell them we don't like that alcohol causes headaches, sleeplessness and acid indigestion, (and we are talking just a social drinking thing here, never mind serious diseases). Then again as coming from a Jewish background I don't eat prok, but not because of my Jewish heritage, but because I can give you a number of health reasons why).

Same with sex. Pregnancy, or early mother or father hood has a lot of consequences. Sexual diseases ruin yur health. Mastubation when done with obsession can lead to the pther sexual acts thta cause health priblems. But don't tell lies to your kids.

I had a foster child once and he actually asked me about mastrubation. He was 13. He had spent time in aa Christian group home where the group leader told him that if you mastrubate you will be sterile and not be able to have children which was a punishment from God. Well you can imagine this did not bring this child closer to God at all. Also stupid remarks to adolescents that mastrubation causes acne etc: is just irresponsibly. Kids are smarter than that. Tell them truths and be open. If you are not honest and open they will find their answers by googling the internet which is far from the ideal!

[shine7]

I am married to a husband who has recently converted. We our very much in love and has a great courtship, the only thing that could have been a deal breaker was because he was not a member, he looked at pornography. Through my support he was able to break the habit which is a great accomplishment seeing as the world does not view this as a bad thing at all, even within marriage.

You are so right, the world does not view that porn is bad., not an addiction. They don't understand the deep LUST involved in this practise. But if our prophet says to avoid it like a plague, then let's follow him. We have a grown son, out of the church, that follows this worldly view of porn. To me, his faith was ripped from him because of this addiction to lust. The best we can do is pray and fast for him diligently, and ask God to turn him from lust unto love.

I know the lord really gave me strength to bear with him and be by his side while he was looking at these images because I am a bit jealous and would have otherwise never been willing to work through this situation as it really hurt alot.

So sad for the hurt you went through.

Is it going to be impossible to steer my kids away from this without completely wrapping them up in cotton wool and sheltering them???

The best we can do is teach and live God's ways....there is sadly, no guarantees. But open communication and loving acceptance helps tons. I believe in 'raise them up in the way they should go' and if they leave the fold of the Good Shepherd, He will call them back.

Also what do you teach them about masturbation? I mean, I know the church teaches you should not do this, however, I know how hard it is as a male to withold these feelings.

Teach them that it is a lust, not love and that is why they need to learn control in this challenging, so personal area.

Not only boys, but girls are vulnerable to porn/lust of porn. A woman I visit teach, that is getting active again, had a horrible addiction to this lust, and is now in recovery.

Edited July 20, 2011 by shine7

[LDSJewess]

AG Stacker, do you think private schools are better then public schools morally wise? I went to Catholic school for a few years, do you think enrolling children in a church school if you have the possible option is better then public? I definitely agree with the TV rule, our family only had TV in the living room growing up and I remember that being awesome because as soon as something bad came on I went red and turned it over quickly because my mom was just in the next room in the kitchen !

One more comment about school, and then need to sign off and get ready for a RS meeting.

I believe it is true that private schools are better for teaching both morals and better curriculum. I am however a little wary about religious schools because you need to be sure how their religious teachings relate to the beliefs that are taught in your home. You don't want to have a school try to covert a child over to their faith, especially if they believe LDS isn' the right kind of Christianity.

I sent my children to Jewish school for two reasons: 1. So they could learn a little about my own Jewish heritage, learn a little Hebrew and learn solid Torah "Old Testament" teachings. And 2. Jews do not prosyltize or try to convert anyone to Judaism, but they do teach children good moral standards. (The Jesus part you would need to tea h them at home though), but it would not be an interference to your religion.

Another option is a non religious Charter School where good sound curriculum avails, advanced learning, and good moreal teachings, but religion is kept out of the mix, leaving it completely up to you.

Public schools for the most part just don't offer the teaching of values and standards and are more focused on numerical scores to get more puclic funding so that is my last option if I can afford any of the others above.

[LDSJewess]

I am married to a husband who has recently converted. We our very much in love and has a great courtship, the only thing that could have been a deal breaker was because he was not a member, he looked at pornography. Through my support he was able to break the habit which is a great accomplishment seeing as the world does not view this as a bad thing at all, even within marriage.

You are so right, the world does not view that porn is bad., not an addiction. They don't understand the deep LUST involved in this practise. But if our prophet says to avoid it like a plague, then let's follow him. We have a grown son, out of the church, that follows this worldly view of porn. To me, his faith was ripped from him because of this addiction to lust. The best we can do is pray and fast for him diligently, and ask God to turn him from lust unto love.

I know the lord really gave me strength to bear with him and be by his side while he was looking at these images because I am a bit jealous and would have otherwise never been willing to work through this situation as it really hurt alot.

So sad for the hurt you went through.

Is it going to be impossible to steer my kids away from this without completely wrapping them up in cotton wool and sheltering them???

The best we can do is teach and live God's ways....there is sadly, no guarantees. But open communication and loving acceptance helps tons. I believe in 'raise them up in the way they should go' and if they leave the fold of the Good Shepherd, He will call them back.

Also what do you teach them about masturbation? I mean, I know the church teaches you should not do this, however, I know how hard it is as a male to withold these feelings.

Teach them that it is a lust, not love and that is why they need to learn control in this challenging, so personal area.

Not only boys, but girls are vulnerable to porn/lust of porn. A woman I visit teach, that is getting active again, had a horrible addiction to this lust, and is now in recovery.

Agree that both boyus and girls can be subject to lust and porn and also mastrubation, bit mastrubation is far more common in adolescent boys.

They already know that mastrubation has nothing to do with love since there is no other person involved and it is a biological self gratification. Ideally they will not do it, but in reality the majority of boys do. The important thing is that although you can acknowledge it as a reality, it does not take the place of healthy sexual relationships in the confines of marriage. But a 12 year old boy is likely not thinking of marriage and possibly not even girls, rather releasing biological urges. Throwing extreme guilt into the mix can offten result in them turning away from the church all together. Guidence and understanding without throwing big guilt is a better way to deal with the situation.

[RipplecutBuddha]

Guilt is a huge thing in any discussion about sexual morality. The Lord places extreme emphasis on sexual cleanliness before him, and rightly so. However, the focus seems to be centered on the seriousness of the sin, rather than the commonality of the temptation. Just as with any addiction, it cannot be overcome completely by one's self. To focus on the guilt of the sin is to take a great risk in isolating the guilty. Once isolated, Satan has that many defenses swept out of his way.

Direct and clear conversation is essential, but the key is that it must be done in such a way that the child knows that you love them no matter what, and that God loves them no matter what. The fact is immorality is an enormous issue, and nearly all children will have to face it outside the home, often long before their parents feel prepared to take it on. As long as you can maintain a strong bond of trust with your children (which is in itself an enormous challenge today) they will be far more receptive to your counsel.

1. As serious as sexual transgressions are, from porn to sex out of marriage, complete forgiveness is absolutely within reach through sincere repentance. The biggest attack against any one of us (regardless of what sin we have committed) is that our sins have placed us beyond redemption. So long as the sins are in this area, there could be nothing further from the truth, and that cannot be forgotten.

2. Our bodies are an immeasurable gift purchased and guaranteed to us through the resurrection and Atonement of Jesus Christ. Think about it for a minute. Christ placed more importance upon our ability to have our bodies forever above himself. The greatest element of this truth is that he did so deliberately, purposefully. He knew he would have to endure whatever happened to him in order to secure this priceless gift, and not once during the greatest suffering in the history of this world did he try to get out of completing it. He humbly submitted to all things inflicted upon him for each of us.

3. Understand that we all must endure the trials before us. As much as any parent wants their child to remain spotless before God, mistakes will be made just as any of us know from our own lives. Some trials will be easier than others, and some won't be a challenge at all. However each of us has our own 'favorite sin', or what Paul called his 'thorn in the flesh'. The challenge will not be in remaining sinless, but in recovering from mistakes, and trusting the Plan of Salvation to fulfill its purpose.

No child learns to walk without falling repeatedly. However it is through determination and repeated effort and practice that it becomes second nature. Resisting temptations of sexual impurity will require exactly the same tenacity and determination to succeed. As with walking, it is not learned by someone in isolation, but through the help, love, support, and encouragement of parents, siblings, spouses, and other loved ones who sincerely wish to see the struggling soul find strength and victory.

One final comment, the stigma of sexual impurity in ones past places a seeming darker pall on individuals. This ought not be the case. Instead such people must be surrounded by support and encouragement, understanding and love. In many cases spousal forgiveness is also required, however much time is needed.

It is by grace that we are saved after all we can do. The all can be intimidating, but even in that we are not alone. God will guide and support all who exercise faith in him.

[Backroads]

Another big part of the teaching of chastity is to not give mixed signals. My husband is the only one of his siblings who has not had sex outside of marriage. I love my in-laws and I say everyone is doing quite well now. Two siblings have been sealed to their spouses. Another one is married (not all that interested in the Church, so I figure that's good enough). Another is working toward a mission in a few years. So of course repentance is always possible and breaking the law of chastity isn't an end-all.

However, I have a theory for the reason why so much of it happened. They get a lot of mixed signals. I'm hardly a prude, so I'm not saying sex must be locked behind closed doors, but despite in many other ways being a fine LDS home, they kids grew up with lots of sex jokes, dirty humor, etc... as well as the instruction not to have sex before marriage.

I can see where it would be confusing.

[imcurious]

My husband said he was exposed to porn from friends who had their dads magazines, internet etc from an early age (12). Is it going to be impossible to steer my kids away from this without completely wrapping them up in cotton wool and sheltering them???

I was also introduced to it at a young age and have battled it the majority of my life. In my opinion it all comes down to a heart issue. Pornography, masturbation, etc are not the battles. The battle is for your son's heart. Teach him the importance of honoring women, honoring himself and above all honoring God.

Bottom line is that they are going to sin, whether in this area or another, we all do. Just keep fighting for their heart and even if they do fall into sexual temptations the Holy Spirit will lead them back out of it.

[spamlds]

Teach your kids Christ's atonement. That's how anyone gains power to overcome Satan. They will make mistakes and a proper understanding of the atonement will teach them that they can be forgiven and move forward. Teach them to love Jesus Christ and the joy that comes from living the gospel. They will feel it in their hearts and, even though temptation comes, they will be less willing to let go of the "iron rod." If they do, knowing about the atonement, they'll always be able to find their way back home.

[Dustii7]

As a kid who was once not so chaste, but has made the change to very chaste, my advice is: Communication is a must! Concerning masturbation... when I first came upon it and those feelings, I didn't even know what it was, or that it was contrary to what Heavenly Father wanted. My parents have never been really comfortable talking to me about those things. I'm not talking about physically what happens, I learned that on my own (all the kids do nowadays) but the spiritual wrongfullness. You need to express to them what it is and why it's wrong. My 2 cents! :)

[lizzy16]

As a kid who was once not so chaste, but has made the change to very chaste, my advice is: Communication is a must! Concerning masturbation... when I first came upon it and those feelings, I didn't even know what it was, or that it was contrary to what Heavenly Father wanted. My parents have never been really comfortable talking to me about those things. I'm not talking about physically what happens, I learned that on my own (all the kids do nowadays) but the spiritual wrongfullness. You need to express to them what it is and why it's wrong. My 2 cents! :)

I agree with Dustii obviously, communication is a must however sometimes that just isn't enough. My parents have always been very open with me about sex, but they didn't worry about pornography or masturbation. I'm assuming its because I'm a girl and they thought my church leaders covered it. We've never talked about masturbation or pornography in young womens. Not once, and now that i'm older I wish we really had. I mean, we read the strength of youth. And, we'd talk about "Sexual Purity' but, my leaders would always stress the importance of telling the guys were around what we believe in ect.

Masturbation and Pornography are growing problems amongst todays youth. It's a really really BIG issue. I can't stress that enough. Everyone is being affected, and the whole time when I was younger I never really considered doing any of that until I went through a rough patch and got curious. I don't think what anyone would have said would have changed my mind in that moment for me to make a different decision. No matter how much talking about such issues my parents did. or how many times I heard in conference "Stay away, avoid like the plague." Ect. The whole time this was going on I was going to church, doing everything, going through the motions. No one really knew anything that was going on inside my head at that time I finally got this wake up call when I was talking to this friend who was actually, truly really badly addicted. I didn't fully grasp how he was feeling, but I understand that my curiosity was going to end up hurting me, and I didn't want to end up in the situation he was in.

I think its important just in case anything does happen to realize its not your fault, and no matter how much you talk about it your sons-AND daughters- could fall to this temptation or to there curiosity. Just pray for your kids, and talk to them every few months.

I'm really glad your making these preparations now. My sister is turning 12 soon. Before I leave for BYU Idaho i'm going to pull her aside and talk to her for a bit. She's young, but i don't think theres such a thing as being too young to give warning. I don't want her to ever be in my situation. God bless!

[slamjet]

When you have kids, you'll find that what you teach your kids naturally fall into these categories:

Girls: How to take care of themselves.

Boys: Being and taking responsibility.

I bet if you really look at what your parents were teaching you, this would be the pattern. I know that with my own kids, it's what I naturally fell into. But I think Me & Mom have done a decent job teaching them in a balanced, age appropriate way.

[shine7]

The best thing I learned about pornography from a friend who lost her husband to it was what her bishop told her: pornography and masturbation are forms of lust. Maybe that will help someone on this forum.