No kids by choice?

[stephanie91]

Here's my situation... My fiancé converted to LDS in his 20's, but left the church at the request of his ex-wife (she wouldn't even consider visiting). He would like to become active again. I was raised Methodist, but haven't attended church in a while. I guess you could say my religion has been something just between me and God -- I miss being involved in a church community, but the main thing that drove me away was that so many people were judgmental about anyone different from them.

My fiancé and I are planning to visit our local ward , but aall of the reading I've done online (on both pro and anti-mormon sites), I've got a big question that concerns me on two levels. I'm in my early 40s and have never been married, no kids. While I love my soon-to-be stepdaughter, who spends every other weekend with us, we do not plan to have children of our own. The LDS seems very family-centric, and as children aren't really a part of our daily lives, I'm wondering if there is a comfortable place for me within the church?

At the personal level, I wonder if I will "fit in," especially with women in the church. Are the lessons an activities for women (relief society, etc) geared mostly around children and families? Am I going to feel like the odd person out at every event? I posed a similar question to the chat representative on Mormon.org a few days ago, and her answer bothered me a lot -- she said that she knew women in their 40s in the church who "weren't even married,", but that they were spiritually fulfilled because the Heavenly Father loves them and they were happy even though they "aren't like other people." Yikes! way to make me afraid I'll be seen as a weirdo before i even set my foot in the door!

At the spiritual level, I know that having children is considered a covenant. But the truth is, I've never really wanted children of my own. I like kids and come from a very loving and supportive family, but I've never in my life felt that it was something I wanted to do, or that my life has been unfulfilled without kids. Given that I'm on the edge of being too old, and that it would be physically very risky to have kids at this point, I think most people would assume that I can't have them, and I might not be questioned too closely, but if I were younger, how would my choice be viewed by church leadership?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Guest gopecon]

Hopefull you will find a loving, welcoming ward family who will not judge you. Given your relatively late-in-life marriage, I'm sure people will not think too much of you not having children of your own. With the information about infertility and the risks of older people having babies I think most people will have the sense not to ask about your child-bearing plans. (Not that it's their business :) ). While family is important (and you will have a step daughter), you should be able to find numerous ways to interact and relate with people. Good luck!

[slamjet]

I believe the Church is becoming more and more understanding to single and married with no/few children. I believe it's a generational change. In my Stake, we were told that 65% of the Stake are singled and single families. When they discovered that, they began a concerted effort to take us into account and show greatly more appreciation for our efforts and contributions.

So while there are regional attitudes, I tend to believe that you will be welcomed no matter what your family situation is.

[Backroads]

I believe your average church member doesn't care. Take comfort with those people and ignore the rest.

[Gwen]

In my branch I'm the odd one out with young children. Most of the other women either never had kids or are grandmother's. When we have lessons on kids and parenting we always discuss the principles and then ask, "how do we apply that to the rest of us?" and then discuss how it fits grandmothers and those that do not have children.

I can't promise it but I hope you are in an understanding ward that wouldn't say something to foolish. In the end remember ppl do dumb things, try to keep an open mind about the gospel vs the mistakes of ppl.

[applepansy]

You will not be the only woman in the church who doesn't have children. I would like to apologize for the response you got. You ran into something very important:Church members are just like other people in that they can be unthinking sometimes.

Families are very important in the church. There will be couples in your age group who don't have children at home. Anyone can find a place to fit in within the church if they want to find one. Most people in the church are kind and caring and will make you feel welcome. But members of the church aren't different just because they are LDS. Those who are different are different because they follow Christ. You will find people at many different levels of belief and activity.

The RS lessons are the same as the Priesthood lessons. This year we are studying from the Gospel Principles manual.

[Bini]

BAH. It's no one's business. And honestly, I cringe a bit when I see women in their 40's still having children. There are just too many medical risks involved when a woman reaches middleage. I would never recommend someone becoming pregnant much after their early thirties. But back to your personal situation, it's understandable why you don't have children. The Lord isn't blind and sees that.

[mimi]

do you live in utah? I grew up outside utah and recently moved to utah. It's like a whole other world XD if you live outside utah there's a lot less of those families that have tons of kids. and by the time you are in your 40's and just getting married for the first time, i say it is totally up to you whether you have kids or not. and i think that most other church members would feel that way too.

[ruthiechan]

You are 40.

You're about to have your first marriage.

You have no kids.

There is no problem here.

It also will not be a problem if you never have children of your own.

If anyone tells you there is something wrong with you for this, ignore them. The Gospel is perfect but the people in it surely are not.

You are a mother to step-daughter, and you know what, that's good enough.

If you and your husband want children, perhaps adoption, or fostering is the way to go. I dunno. It's something for you and your husband to pray about together and is ultimately no one else's business.

By the way, I am 32 years old. I've been married for nearly 11 years and I only have one daughter and my husband is not Mormon. If anyone has a problem with that I choose to feel bad for them for being so judgmental because how they judge others is how they themselves will be judged at the last day. So, if you get any flak, keep that in mind when you come across judgmental folk. :)

[Madriglace]

Get your hands on books or talks by Shari Dew ... she is fabulous and single! I am 57 single and no kids ...in fact I have never been married... no big deal ... It will all work out in the end ... Heavenly Father knows our hearts and will handle it ... just be the best you you can be and let the rest go ... if folks in the ward don't like it too bad .... I have 10 kids 14-18 years old ... my Sunday school class ... after an hour with them I need a nap!

[Eleven]

i wish i could apologize in behalf of whoever spoke to you that way... lol that was wrong.

as a member of the LDS church speaking to a non member, Ive seen a lot of people join the church or even just attend for a very long time.

i hope you understand we are not extremists when it comes to babies and children. OF COURSE we are encouraged to have kids. but it is not a sin to not have kids, nor is anyone going to look at you and say "omgosh... look at her she has no kids" lolol. i hope you see what i mean.

people are going to love you for you! kids or no kids!

and who knows! maybe your opinion will change about having kids sometime later, but whether it does or doesnt, it doesnt matter at all.

and church activities with the women focus deeply on #1 being a wife #2 being a mother. #3 being a friend.

i promise you if YOU bask yourself in it, youll find youll fit in just fine.

[mrmarklin]

It used to be "normal" in the Church to be American and White. But not any more. Not for a long time.

While the Church is family centric as an ideal, in my (nonUtah) experience that's not really "normal" anymore either.