Gone to live with God

[theoriginalavatar]

Hello All,

Perhaps few of you on here remember be. I have been gone for some time now from the message boards. Those of you who do remember me understand why.

This past August, my beautiful wife of nearly 11 years passed away and went to live with the Lord.

Even though I knew it was coming eventually, it does not make it any easier to accept.

My world is completely different. Our children are now without a mother.

I was thinking about something the other day...

People die every day around the world. Some die peacefully after a lifetime of years, accomplisments, and memories. Some die suddenly and tragically. Death does not play favorites. It takes the old as well as the young. The seemingly innocent as well as the wicked.

People cope with the loss of those they love in the best way they are able.

No matter how many times people experience the death of someone close to them, however, I do not believe that it ever becomes easier. Certainly God notices everything, and He weeps at the death of His children as He rejoices at their returning to His presence.

I would like to hear from those of you who have lost someone close to you. How do you get through it? When does the ache go away? How do you know when it is time to move on?

It is strange how fast memories seem to fade when you have spent so many years with someone. I don't ever want to forget, but I want to remember in a healthy way.

Your advice and thoughts will be greatly apprciated.

God Bless

Edited October 24, 2011 by theoriginalavatar

[prisonchaplain]

It has been many years now, since I lost one close to me. At the time I knew little of the world, of loss and grief, and nothing about how to help others cope with it. I still do not claim to know a lot. However, here are a few snippets:

1. Life is never "normal" again. It is, and will forever be, different. Perhaps a "new normal" will evolve, but never the old life.

2. Just last week, at a grief training seminar, we heard that the average recovery time for grief is five years! If we think about this, it's meaningless. Some people can move on after a few weeks, some never quite do. Again, a helpful key is to realize you do not have to feel like you did before the tragedy. Simply come to terms with the ache, and allowing yourself to also experience life's good--that doing so is no disrespect to the departed--may help lessen the suffering.

3. Perhaps realizing that as much as we miss our departed loved one, our loved ones who are still with us "miss" the old us too. We cannot give that person back to them. However, we can learn to live life anew. Again, learning to experience joy again is no disrespect to the departed.

Kudos for seeking out fellow travelers. Two are stronger than one, and three form a cord that cannot be easily broken (I stole that from Solomon).

[annewandering]

My father and several children have died, the children as newborn and stillborn. With the children it has been about 37 years now. I still cry sometimes like now. I dont think that is bad. We need to acknowledge that we miss them and wish they were here. My father died of cancer 20 years ago. We knew he was going to die and prepared as well as a person can for that I guess.

The thing that is the biggest help to me is knowing the Plan of Salvation. I know that when they died they just moved on to the spirit world. Some times I slightly begrudge that my dad gets to be with my babies but I am glad he is there with them. I imagine them going out to the spirit prison to teach together maybe even taking our dog Romper with them. Maybe that sounds fanciful but I know that it is how things are.

I miss them very much and sometimes talk to them. Have no idea if they hear me but it is comforting to me.

I am sorry your wife died. It is hard for me to imagine my husband dying and leaving me here. Even so it wouldnt be long till we would be together again.

How old are your children? That responsibility has to help. Keeping busy with day to day things. I wish you well. Oh and be sure to reread about the stages of grief. You will go through them, sometimes more than once. It helps to understand you are having normal reactions.

[theoriginalavatar]

My father and several children have died, the children as newborn and stillborn. With the children it has been about 37 years now. I still cry sometimes like now. I dont think that is bad. We need to acknowledge that we miss them and wish they were here. My father died of cancer 20 years ago. We knew he was going to die and prepared as well as a person can for that I guess.

The thing that is the biggest help to me is knowing the Plan of Salvation. I know that when they died they just moved on to the spirit world. Some times I slightly begrudge that my dad gets to be with my babies but I am glad he is there with them. I imagine them going out to the spirit prison to teach together maybe even taking our dog Romper with them. Maybe that sounds fanciful but I know that it is how things are.

I miss them very much and sometimes talk to them. Have no idea if they hear me but it is comforting to me.

I am sorry your wife died. It is hard for me to imagine my husband dying and leaving me here. Even so it wouldnt be long till we would be together again.

How old are your children? That responsibility has to help. Keeping busy with day to day things. I wish you well. Oh and be sure to reread about the stages of grief. You will go through them, sometimes more than once. It helps to understand you are having normal reactions.

Hello AW,

Thank you for your kind words. My children are 9 and 7. They are such great blessings! More than anything, I want to make certain that I help them to understand what has happened and not let it negatively impact their lives...as much as possible anyway. We do our best to keep busy...I have work and they have school. It has helped.

[theoriginalavatar]

It has been many years now, since I lost one close to me. At the time I knew little of the world, of loss and grief, and nothing about how to help others cope with it. I still do not claim to know a lot. However, here are a few snippets:

1. Life is never "normal" again. It is, and will forever be, different. Perhaps a "new normal" will evolve, but never the old life.

2. Just last week, at a grief training seminar, we heard that the average recovery time for grief is five years! If we think about this, it's meaningless. Some people can move on after a few weeks, some never quite do. Again, a helpful key is to realize you do not have to feel like you did before the tragedy. Simply come to terms with the ache, and allowing yourself to also experience life's good--that doing so is no disrespect to the departed--may help lessen the suffering.

3. Perhaps realizing that as much as we miss our departed loved one, our loved ones who are still with us "miss" the old us too. We cannot give that person back to them. However, we can learn to live life anew. Again, learning to experience joy again is no disrespect to the departed.

Kudos for seeking out fellow travelers. Two are stronger than one, and three form a cord that cannot be easily broken (I stole that from Solomon).

Joy is such a mischievous friend. I search for it, and it often eludes me. Please don't mistake my meaning...I am, overall, a very happy person. I am not prone to depression, and I have never entertained thoughts of giving up. I suppose it is just strange to me how joy feels so different now.

[pam]

Ohhh TOA..I'm so sorry to hear this. But as you said..we knew it would eventually come. Not that it makes it any easier. *hugs* to you.

[theoriginalavatar]

I have another question for you, if I may...

While my wife was in the hospital and the hospice, I recorded many videos (on my phone) of her talking and interacting with her environment as well as our children.

The videos are not necessarily characteristic of the person she was. Her mental state was greatly altered by her condition, and some of what she said and the way she acted were far from her normal personality.

Having said that, I am finding it difficult now to delete them from my phone.

Should I delete them? I do not have any other video of her, and part of me feels (as irrational as it may sound) that deleting the videos would be to delete part of her...part of her memory. I'm sure that sounds silly. Even though they are not indicitive of the woman that I married, they are all that I have of her (video wise).

Should I save them to share with our children some day? Is it better to delete them and remember her the way that she was when she was healthy?

Sometimes I watch them, even though it makes me sad to do so, because I miss her voice.

[theoriginalavatar]

Ohhh TOA..I'm so sorry to hear this. But as you said..we knew it would eventually come. Not that it makes it any easier. *hugs* to you.

Thank you, Pam. I appreciate that.

[pam]

Do you still have the same phone number?

[theoriginalavatar]

Do you still have the same phone number?

I do! At least, I think I do...lol. I haven't changed it since we moved to Las Vegas, so it should be the same.

[prisonchaplain]

Joy is such a mischievous friend. I search for it, and it often eludes me. Please don't mistake my meaning...I am, overall, a very happy person. I am not prone to depression, and I have never entertained thoughts of giving up. I suppose it is just strange to me how joy feels so different now.

Joy is an undercurrent. After tragedy, it will likely bubble up to the surface less frequently, for quite some time. And, as you say, it will "taste" and even sound different. Coming to accept it in its new form is part of healing.

You actually sound very strong...a sure guide for your children. Eventually, you may guide many others, no matter how unintentionally.

[pam]

I do! At least, I think I do...lol. I haven't changed it since we moved to Las Vegas, so it should be the same.

Okay well I just sent you a text message to test it out.

[annewandering]

I have another question for you, if I may...

While my wife was in the hospital and the hospice, I recorded many videos (on my phone) of her talking and interacting with her environment as well as our children.

The videos are not necessarily characteristic of the person she was. Her mental state was greatly altered by her condition, and some of what she said and the way she acted were far from her normal personality.

Having said that, I am finding it difficult now to delete them from my phone.

Should I delete them? I do not have any other video of her, and part of me feels (as irrational as it may sound) that deleting the videos would be to delete part of her...part of her memory. I'm sure that sounds silly. Even though they are not indicitive of the woman that I married, they are all that I have of her (video wise).

Should I save them to share with our children some day? Is it better to delete them and remember her the way that she was when she was healthy?

Sometimes I watch them, even though it makes me sad to do so, because I miss her voice.

I would not delete them. can you save them off the phone? You may never go and look at them again but you will know they are there if you need them. Once you delete you cant get them back.

My husband is getting on in years now. Lately I have been very conscious of the fact he wont be here forever. I sneak pictures of him to save. Maybe I am morbid but I know that will be something I will need.

[pam]

I wouldn't delete them either. I would think it could help with the healing over time.

[classylady]

TOA, I'm very sorry to hear of your wife's death. I haven't lost a spouse, but my father died when I was a child, and I had a daughter die in a car accident 8 years ago.

As for what your children are going through, I can relate somewhat. I was nearly 7 years old when my father died in a train/auto accident. I still miss him, and I'm in my mid 50's now. I have very few memories of my father. We have a few photos of him, but not many. I wish my father would have kept a journal. I would definitely keep the videos of your wife. Do you have a program where you can download them and save them? I have a mac computer and I'm able to download to iPhoto. And then I would also save them to an external hard drive or perhaps an internet site. It may not truly depict your wife as you knew her, but it is still her. Some day, your children may want to see them.

When our 19 year old daughter died in a car accident 8 years ago, she left behind a 2 month old baby boy. We, as a family were devastated. I'm still grieving, but I admit my pain isn't as sharp as it used to be. Even though we have the gospel in our lives, and we understand the plan of salvation, it doesn't take away the simple fact that we miss our loved ones. I still have my "what if" questions. What if she was still here, etc? A number of months after my daughter's death, my 9 year old son told me in a panicked voice "Mom, I'm forgetting Shelly"! What could I tell him? I knew that as time went on, his memories would get dimmer and dimmer. We want to hold on to our memories! But darn it--our brains simply start forgetting as time goes by.

Last month, my daughter-in-law, who had never met my daughter, had a very difficult labor and delivery, and ended up having an emergency c-section. As she was going through this very difficult and stressful event, she said, she could feel my daughter's presence with her. And she knew Shelly was there watching over her. It brought such a comfort and feeling of peace to my daughter-in-law.

TOA, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children at this time. The pain of losing a loved one is almost indescribable. I can't completely understand what you're going through--we're all unique. But, I have experienced loss, and I have experienced acute grief. I hope things will get better for you. I don't know you, but I feel for you, and send you love and prayers.

Edited October 24, 2011 by classylady

[beefche]

TOA, I'm so very sorry.

I would not delete the videos. Although her interactions in the video were not typical of her, seeing her and hearing her can be a comfort to you and your children (when you decide to share the videos with them).

[theoriginalavatar]

TOA, I'm very sorry to hear of your wife's death. I haven't lost a spouse, but my father died when I was a child, and I had a daughter die in a car accident 8 years ago.

As for what your children are going through, I can relate somewhat. I was nearly 7 years old when my father died in a train/auto accident. I still miss him, and I'm in my mid 50's now. I have very few memories of my father. We have a few photos of him, but not many. I wish my father would have kept a journal. I would definitely keep the videos of your wife. Do you have a program where you can download them and save them? I have a mac computer and I'm able to download to iPhoto. And then I would also save them to an external hard drive or perhaps an internet site. It may not truly depict your wife as you knew her, but it is still her. Some day, your children may want to see them.

When our 19 year old daughter died in a car accident 8 years ago, she left behind a 2 month old baby boy. We, as a family were devastated. I'm still grieving, but I admit my pain isn't as sharp as it used to be. Even though we have the gospel in our lives, and we understand the plan of salvation, it doesn't take away the simple fact that we miss our loved ones. I still have my "what if" questions. What if she was still here, etc? A number of months after my daughter's death, my 9 year old son told me in a panicked voice "Mom, I'm forgetting Shelly"! What could I tell him? I knew that as time went on, his memories would get dimmer and dimmer. We want to hold on to our memories! But darn it--our brains simply start forgetting as time goes by.

Last month, my daughter-in-law, who had never met my daughter, had a very difficult labor and delivery, and ended up having an emergency c-section. As she was going through this very difficult and stressful event, she said, she could feel my daughter's presence with her. And she knew Shelly was there watching over her. It brought such a comfort and feeling of peace to my daughter-in-law.

TOA, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children at this time. The pain of losing a loved one is almost indescribable. I can't completely understand what you're going through--we're all unique. But, I have experienced loss, and I have experienced acute grief. I hope things will get better for you. I don't know you, but I feel for you, and send you love and prayers.

Thank you very much. Your words are kind and truthful. I appreciate your perspective, and I will contemplate what you've told me.

[theoriginalavatar]

TOA, I'm so very sorry.

I would not delete the videos. Although her interactions in the video were not typical of her, seeing her and hearing her can be a comfort to you and your children (when you decide to share the videos with them).

Thank you! I think that I agree with you. This, strangely, has been one of the most difficult parts of this whole process.

[Leah]

Hello All,

Perhaps few of you on here remember be. I have been gone for some time now from the message boards. Those of you who do remember me understand why.

This past August, my beautiful wife of nearly 11 years passed away and went to live with the Lord.

Even though I knew it was coming eventually, it does not make it any easier to accept.

My world is completely different. Our children are now without a mother.

I was thinking about something the other day...

People die every day around the world. Some die peacefully after a lifetime of years, accomplisments, and memories. Some die suddenly and tragically. Death does not play favorites. It takes the old as well as the young. The seemingly innocent as well as the wicked.

People cope with the loss of those they love in the best way they are able.

No matter how many times people experience the death of someone close to them, however, I do not believe that it ever becomes easier. Certainly God notices everything, and He weeps at the death of His children as He rejoices at their returning to His presence.

I would like to hear from those of you who have lost someone close to you. How do you get through it? When does the ache go away? How do you know when it is time to move on?

It is strange how fast memories seem to fade when you have spent so many years with someone. I don't ever want to forget, but I want to remember in a healthy way.

Your advice and thoughts will be greatly apprciated.

God Bless

My husband died a little over two years ago. We also knew it was coming, but I don't know that anyone is ever prepared for this.

How do you get through it? With the help of Heavenly Father. I didn't think I could keep going after my husband died, but you either keep going or you lay down and die. But you won't do that...you can't do that...you have children who need you.

I think the ache will always be there. But it will lessen in intensity and the time will come when you notice it less and less. It doesn't seem possible now and I can't really explain it...but the ache will always be there, but you won't be aware of it every second like you are in the beginning.

I think when the time comes to move on, you will just know. When my husband died, I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to go forward without him. I still hate the fact that I have to. But...again...you either move forward or lay down and die. One day you will simply realize you have already moved forward, and you'll probably wonder how that happened.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Leah]

I have another question for you, if I may...

While my wife was in the hospital and the hospice, I recorded many videos (on my phone) of her talking and interacting with her environment as well as our children.

The videos are not necessarily characteristic of the person she was. Her mental state was greatly altered by her condition, and some of what she said and the way she acted were far from her normal personality.

Having said that, I am finding it difficult now to delete them from my phone.

Should I delete them? I do not have any other video of her, and part of me feels (as irrational as it may sound) that deleting the videos would be to delete part of her...part of her memory. I'm sure that sounds silly. Even though they are not indicitive of the woman that I married, they are all that I have of her (video wise).

Should I save them to share with our children some day? Is it better to delete them and remember her the way that she was when she was healthy?

Sometimes I watch them, even though it makes me sad to do so, because I miss her voice.

If I were you, I would keep the videos. I really wish I had video of my husband, even if they were of him after he was sick.

I totally understand that it feels like it would be deleting part of her. It doesn't sound silly, it makes total sense to me to feel like that.

[annewandering]

This morning I was dreaming. I could not find my newborn baby anywhere. He needed to be fed but I could not find him. I had thought he was with my brother and his wife, later i was thinking and realized they used to be Quick Response, but when they met up with us the baby was not there. I panicked and was trying to find a phone to call 911 but my father tried to stop me. All I could think was that they were afraid of the police thinking they had something to do with the baby being missing. They said they never had him at all.

Anyway this went on and on till I forced a wake up.

After all this time I still have dreams where I cant find my newborn baby anywhere. Its time to feed him but he is gone. They dont happen often and its been awhile since the last one.

Now I know that they are ok. They are in the spirit world and progressing as they need to be. Still I long for them and my heart can not understand why I cant find them.

You are going to find that as you go on and think that you are doing ok, and you will be, sometimes it is going to sneak up on you and you will feel the pain again. Not sure you want to hear that but it will happen. We never do forget its just that we have protective abilities to help us go on with our lives. We dont see them as clearly any more. We dont remember their voices as well at least on a conscious level. Dont feel like you are losing her by doing this. Its just our way of coping. The memories are still there.

I dont think it means a lack of faith either. I knew a bishop once that told a high school girls friends who had died, that if they grieved it meant they did not have faith. He is wrong. It means we loved them and miss them and want them with us even when we know they are where they are supposed to be.

[Bini]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine. You sound strong, stay strong and hang in there. Best wishes.

[JudoMinja]

Personally, I have yet to truly experience the loss of a loved one. I have several friends who have been through it, and there are some people I've known who have passed on, but nobody that was really close to me. I cannot imagine what it is like to have someone so close to you, an integral part of your life, just gone... but I know I will someday experience this as well. Death is a part of life. Something we all eventually come to understand intimately.

I don't know how much comfort my words can be since I cannot really relate to your pain, but I know that it is possible to continue on- to celebrate the life your wife lived and the memories you created together. Remember that she is still "alive" in spirit and that your loss is only temporary. While she can no longer be physically by your side, I feel certain that her spirit continues to watch over you and your family and believe that you can find the comfort of her presence through prayer. My prayers will be with you as you go through this time of grief.