Teenagers. I am so very afraid.

[Guest]

My oldest is a preteen, and The Beast seems to be rearing its ugly head (meaning the mood swings, mouthiness which we do not tolerate, melodrama. . .). I have four daughters, people.

[annewandering]

lol have fun. I have six. :) they are such fun though.

[Guest]

I hope there will be some fun in it. The last couple of weeks have been a little too intense for my liking.

I feel sorriest for my lone boy. Poor kid.

[ChooseTheSun]

I've got one with two in the wings. Quick thoughts:

*Pick your battles

*Don't take the stank 'tude personally

*Never negotiate with terrorists, especially the ones in your home. Remember, you're helping her -- she just doesn't know it or won't admit it.

Welcome to the club!

[NeuroTypical]

My daughters are 10 and 7. Each day brings bursting into tears and numerous occasions of stinkeye. But there is also so much joy and giggling and gleeful screaming it's all worth it (right now). Give me a few years and ask me again - my answer may have changed.

[Guest]

Our oldest is in 4th grade. My husband just started talking about homeschooling for 6-8th grade, as that seems to be the scariest years - so hard to know what is best for each of them.

Yes, DH and I are talking about where to go as far as schooling after next year (5th grade). I want the charter school, she wants to stay with her friends of course, and DH just hopes that she and I won't kill each other before it's all said and done. Homeschool would be a disaster of epic proportions for all involved. She's extremely extroverted, I'm fairly introverted, and thus, we wear each other out. Having her at school outside of home is necessary for our respective well-being.

[annewandering]

Having her at school outside of home is necessary for our respective well-being.

well there is my reason for hating the home schooling idea. sanity can be very useful.

For some reason 13 was the deadly year for my daughters. If we survived that we were good to go. Oddly the better behaved they were before 13 the worse they were at 13.

[slamjet]

[annewandering]

I would say thats about right, Slamjet!

[applepansy]

My only daughter and the baby of the family is now 24. Her teenage years were .... hmmm.... difficult for everyone.

I thought the boys were difficult to raise. I had no idea what my sweet baby girl was going to turn into. I never would have dreamed of acting like she did when I was her age. Hormones were not an excuse for bad behavior.

After we got over the shock we set some simple rules.

1) No yelling. If you yell then nobody will talk to you. In fact, I left the house once because she wouldn't stop yelling. I came home about an hour later and she apololgized.

2) No disrespect. If you want to talk do it nicely.

3) Its ok to be angry, but rule #1 and #2 apply always.

It worked for our daughter.

Good luck!

[applepansy]

The "all the answers" area continues to grow from age 12 until sometime in their 20s when it suddenly disappears.

[sister_in_faith]

When I turned 13 I cried and cried and cried. I thought that since I was now officially a teenager I had to do drugs. I was TERRIFIED. wow. I literally had to have a sit down with someone who explained to me that you CAN say no, but I thought that the other kids would MAKE me do drugs. Yes. I'm a dork.

[sister_in_faith]

Good luck with the 'little' ones!

[JudoMinja]

My youngest brother is hitting his teenage years, and he is not at all like what I remember the rest of us being like....

My older brother had a very hard time fitting in and was picked on and bullied all the time. He went through some rebellion and gave my parents a bit of a hard time, but he always tried hard and worked hard.

I had a hard time fitting in but didn't care. I was a bookworm and very introverted. Was very compliant toward my parents and hated causing problems.

My sister fit in pretty well and was fairly popular, yet she was also a hard worker and strived to do her best in everything. She was very competitive and kept up wonderful grades as well as excellent involvement in her extracurricular activities. The only problems she really gave my parents were with her "money" needs. She has a high-maintenance personality and money burns a hole in her pocket.

Next was my autistic brother, and he never really went through the typical "teenage years". He went through a stage where he was a little more obstinate and difficult to reason with, but that was it.

Finally, there's the youngest. Finally hitting his teenage years, and he is completely different. He seems to be your "typical" teenager. He's rather intelligent but lazy and doesn't care about his studies- so he's failing classes because he doesn't do the work. He's more concerned about being popular and fitting in than anything else, so he's very meticulous about his hygeine and follows the current fashion trends (sagging pants, collects baseball caps). He has a "girlfriend" at church and a different one at school, even though he's not old enough to date. Been caught looking at pornography. Likes listening to raunchy music. Difficult to talk to. Won't do chores. Always wants to go out and do things with his friends- play video games, skateboard, etc. Ug.

Sometimes, I have a hard time understanding and getting through to him and I'm just his sister. I don't know how my parents are managing, and I sure hope their efforts pay off and he turns out alright once he's past all this, because right now I don't see how he's going to go from this to something good...

[Gramajane]

We raised our 5 (two boys then two girls then a boy) then did foster care for 10 years, then I became a sub school teacher

and I STILL love working with kids :)

"Love and Logic Parenting" (check on line) has correct principles and GREAT results, and is how I want to be treated! Also how I believe God works with us ! FUN-- WAY less stress!! Empathy and choices it is!

Our one foster daughter we had for almost the whole 10 years, took the class with us, and loved it, and we worked it out that she would remind ME, to do it right! :)

Some schools use it and it works in the workplace too with ADULTS!! They teach it with stories (parables?) and that helps it stick in the mind, but it is hard not to revert back to the OLD less effective ways our parents used. -- Try it! I think you will like it too- and often our kids use it with THEIR kids and love it also! :) -----( we didn't discover it till most of ours were out of the nest, but I shared with those interested, and it had many aspects we used that were right on already! (mutual respect etc)

[Gramajane]

we had 20 foster kids over the years, but not all at the same time! most we had at one time was five foster kids)

[mightynancy]

I don't think you can lump all teens into the same pot. I think that looking at people as individuals is infinitely more helpful than looking at them as part of a group.

When bad behavior comes up, it's more useful to discover the root of the behavior than to just chalk it up to "teen" issues. You may recognize your child in the Mistaken Goals Chart that is part of training in Adlerian psychology.

Also, even though it was ages ago, I remember wishing to be noticed for what I was doing right, and for the bad things I wasn't doing...I work to do that for my teen!

[lizzy16]

I know I'm getting to this a bit late but thought I'd give my view as someone who recently left home.

I really adore my parents. Even when I was just starting middle school through my senior year of highschool I realized how blessed I was. During my younger years they raised me with right and wrong, taught me what I needed to do and sort of sheltered me from society. I never listened to music, tv ect as a teenager/child (i still don't.). They taught me the value of education. And, once I hit high school they loosened up.

I came and left the house as I pleased, I did things with friends without being monitored, I went with camping trips and overnight things with friends, ect. I'd always ask. Because, I knew they loved me and wanted to know. But at the same time they would always tell me I didn't need to tell them everything. Like, I'd call my dad and say I was going to a friends house. "Okay." He'd say. And, I'd go. He'd later tell me he didn't care as long as I left a note saying I wasn't kidnapped. I'd leave in the morning telling my mom I was going to town and I'd come back late at night. (Note: I wasn't an idiot and didnt' wander the streets alone at night. My home town is very safe and small.)

I wasn't ever given a curfew. But because I understood my parents didn't want to give rides late at night I would usually just sleepover or have a friends parent drive me home. I'd walk in the door and my parents would ask how I was. But, nothing grilling...

They used this 'hands off' method with both me and my brother. But, we didn't take advantage of it. They trusted us, we trusted ourselves and it all worked out. It totally worked for my brother and I. My sister however probably will be kept on a tighter leash.

My parents always let me make my own decisions. About everything. From skipping school, going to church, hanging out with friends and even getting my license (I'm waiting to get my license when I go back to NY in April. Last summer I just wasn't ready to drive alone. I had an incident that really freaked me out and it just wasn't the right time. My mom was rather encouraging about getting it before I left but at the same time trusted my judgement ) They'd give input, but they never pushed me. If I stayed home from school/skipped school they didn't care. If I skipped church they wouldn't say anything. And, it totally worked for me. I didn't take advantage of it (and if I had i'm sure they would have had a sit-down.) I did what I thought I needed to. I'd skip school when I needed it.

Sorry, this is getting so blabby haha. I'm just really thankful how my parents raised me.

Now I'm at college. And, It wasn't an awful transition. I have one roommate that doesn't know how to clean a stove, cook ANYTHING (even instant potatoes.) and calls her dad every night and talks to her hamster on the phone. ("I hear you. Oh you are so cute. Aww i hear you squeaking!" )

My parents didn't scream at me. Even when I was younger they'd be straight up about everything and talk to me as an adult.

My mom trusted me a lot. And, I think its mostly because she trusted who I hung around and she trusted that she raised me right

She met all my friends, she'd ask how they are and I had a birthday party every year. She knew my closest friends by name. She didn't always approve of them.

'Your one friend that always wears short shorts?" (Val? I love val. I'm sorry how she dresses bothers you. I'm blessed to have her as a friend.)

"The one that constantly plays with her phone?" (Oh, i'm not friends with her anymore mom. Don't worry.)

I went on a camping trip with my friend Val and her family before I left for college. Her dad and I ended up having this long discussion about society degrading, values degrading ect. And, he thanked me for being a good friend, influnce on her and said one of the reasons she turned out so good was her friends.

"It doesn't matter what a kids parents say, what their teachers say or what they see on TV. In the end its the friends that make the difference."

And, I really think thats true. Friends are so influential.

Sorry this is so long and rambling. It's...late :)

Oh, and I was quite the dramatic child. But, i'd go to my room and cry it out. More then once my mom came upstairs and asked me if someone had hurt me. "Noooo, just leave me aloneeeeee." I'd shout. And, my brother would come in later ask. I'd tell him. And, he'd tell my mom.

Basically:

It's not your job to be her friend. Be her parent first. Don't put up with sass. And, meet her friends.

[anya740]

I can really say that it was the most difficult time I had with my son. he keeps on lying to us, defiant and always gets himself in trouble at school. For a time, he even runaway and was the longest 36 hours of our lives. I got him into counseling and even to an at risk youth program. Somehow, it helped him and he is now changed. Him being a teen was a nightmare and I am thankful that he has passed that already.

_____

Click here for more information on at risk youth programs.

Edited May 18, 2012 by anya740

[Gramajane]

With the "Love and Logic" parenting

(google it- there are books and dvds and college classes, even a free newsletter with helps)

teen years were no problem (ok- way less of a problem) and we even did foster care and with the Love and Logic it was fun to be a sub school teacher!

It is a great amazing way to work with anyone- even with co-workers and is how I want to be treated! I think it is how Heavenly Father even works with us. check it out. :)

[Spartan117]

My oldest is a preteen, and The Beast seems to be rearing its ugly head (meaning the mood swings, mouthiness which we do not tolerate, melodrama. . .). I have four daughters, people.

Great googly moogly

All we have is a cat, and I can't even get him to not jump up on the table when we eat. We found one thing that works some of the time that might help you, next time your daughter mouths off, squirt her with a spray bottle of water and say "NO" in a deep, firm tone.

You're welcome

[Guest]

We do like Love and Logic. My FIL did some work with one of the authors years ago, and got us an autographed copy.

DD has mostly returned to her usual fun, pleasant, helpful self. Must have been a swing. I'm bracing for the next one.

[mychildrensmother]

We just pulled our 12 yo girl out of school and its made a wonderful difference. Less worried about the teen years than I was.

[annewandering]

I should have thought of the spray bottle!! It does make the cat at least leery.