Bringing a gift at a No Gift occasion

[Bini]

So in general, when attending a special occasion like a birthday, graduation or wedding, the attendee brings a congratulations card and a gift (be it money or something specific) in celebration of that person's special day. But what about when the invitation says, "Please No Gifts", and an attendee shows up with just that? I mean, regardless of meaning well, isn't it inappropriate when the individual having the event tells everyone No Gifts? Obviously there's a reason behind that, and blatantly ignoring his/her/their specific request seems a bit rude.

What do you think? How would you respond as (I) the attendee in that position and or (II) the individual having the event? This is actually something I'll be dealing with, so any thoughts on the matter may help me conduct myself better.. Thanks.

[Guest]

As the attendee, I'd mind my own business. As the recipient, I'd say thank you and put it aside for later.

[Guest]

Time to make it really sink in that you can't control what other people want and will do. A "please no gifts" note on an invitation card should be just a suggestion, not a command... if it was a command, then that was way rude... how do you say it in the US... "you're not the boss of me!".

[EarlJibbs]

Maybe place on the invite "Please, no gifts. Any gifts will be donated to a charitable organization"

Or maybe this would have the opposite effect? People bringing more gifts to seem charitable?

Either way, I think you ignore it. Often times we pass over written items like that. Or maybe a spouse told the other about the celebration but not the "no gifts" You wouldnt want to damage a relationship over a mistake.

[Yehshen]

Wow, EarlJibbs is very kind.

I am abashed that my original reaction was not quite that kind.

I wouldn't like someone bringing a gift. I would try not to show my dislike, and simply put the gift away for later, without making a big deal of it. The thing would be to quietly thank the giver, without giving undue attention to the gift (which might make the other non-gift givers uncomfortable, when they were following directions.

Debrarae

[Guest]

which might make the other non-gift givers uncomfortable, when they were following directions.

Debrarae

Why would that make them uncomfortable?

[Bini]

I remember when a friend of mine celebrated her 50th birthday and on her invites she stated, "Please No Gifts". She's an extremely selfless person and perhaps even a bit reserved, so it was very awkward for her when people arrived with gifts, it literally made her feel uncomfortable at her own party. The interesting thing is, the people that showed up with gifts were those not particularly close to her, and in fairness I suppose, did not realise the negative impact it would have on her by following the traditional etiquette of gift giving, despite her request.

A request is different from a command BUT a request is just a nicer way of telling people, Please Don't or Please Do, something.. I don't think it's inappropriate or rude to specify your wishes regarding to your special day. I think it's more rude to ignore their wishes and go ahead and do whatever you want. And I'm talking about showing a lack of respect towards other people's wishes in general, period.

So this is the situation.. My baby will be turning a year old in September and it's become a big deal to the grandmothers. The problem is, mum and MIL are extremely competitive with each other when it's about baby. It happened at my baby shower (where they tried to trump each other with the gifts they gave me) and it was awkward for everyone.. That night I wanted to call all my friends and coworkers and apologise for the grandmas' crazy antics. Since I didn't host my own baby shower, I had little control of how things panned out but THIS time, for my baby's birthday party, I WILL set some ground rules and one of my requests will be Please No Gifts! I don't mind people wanting to give gifts but I prefer this to be done ahead of time, or after, whatever - just not AT the event where there'll be a lot of people attending. My instinct is that both grandmothers are going to show up with "surprise!" outrageous gifts (if not a petting zoo and big brass band) with the sole intentions of trumping each other, and showing everyone who's the coolest grandma.. Now, I don't need to say this but I'm going to - I love both of them - but both are very opinionated and often times just do whatever they darn well fancy.

[pam]

When we gave my parents their 50th wedding anniversary party we put on the invitation: (I can't remember the exact wording) In lieu of gifts a donation to the Alzheimers Foundation would be greatly appreciated. Something along that line.

No one showed up with gifts.

[Guest]

I had my birthday not too long ago. My husband asked me what I want and I told him... What I really want is to do absolutely nothing. Yes, NOTHING.

My husband said, okay, then let's just go to the restaurant then you won't have to do anything. I said, no, going to the restaurant means having to do something. Then he said, but my family want to celebrate it with you. I said, well, I don't. It's MY BIRTHDAY not theirs.

We went to the restaurant.

So, here's the lesson I learned from my husband that day. My Birthday is really not MINE alone. It is also for the people who are happy I'm alive. So, if I don't feel like celebrating... tough. They want to celebrate it and I don't get to call the shots.

Now, about your in-laws... the problem is not the gift-giving. The problem is the trumping. I'd square THAT away with the in-laws instead of making everybody else have to suffer for it. Somebody wants to give your child a present, you should take it. One of these days, she's going to need it or the money you can raise selling it. I'd go so far as having a separate bday visit just for the in-laws (or family that puts up with either in-laws) and having a party without them for my friends.

[Bini]

So, here's the lesson I learned from my husband that day. My Birthday is really not MINE alone. It is also for the people who are happy I'm alive. So, if I don't feel like celebrating... tough. They want to celebrate it and I don't get to call the shots.

Now, about your in-laws... the problem is not the gift-giving. The problem is the trumping. I'd square THAT away with the in-laws instead of making everybody else have to suffer for it. Somebody wants to give your child a present, you should take it. One of these days, she's going to need it or the money you can raise selling it. I'd go so far as having a separate bday visit just for the in-laws (or family that puts up with either in-laws) and having a party without them for my friends.

Anatess, right or wrong, there is truth to that. However, regardless of what others expect, I am of the opinion that a celebration should be done honouring the "birthday person", "graduate" or "newlyweds" by respecting their wishes and putting aside our own wants. After all, it's only ONE day and it should be THEIR day but often times it isn't.

All that said. Separate parties would work but would also be A LOT of work to pull together. Especially since I wanted to do the birthday party on her actual birthday and do all the celebrating in one day. It's gonna be exhausting to host two or three separate occasions.. And I only have one Pinata that I had custom made that we're all supposed to take swings at!

[Bini]

Wow, EarlJibbs is very kind.

I am abashed that my original reaction was not quite that kind.

I wouldn't like someone bringing a gift. I would try not to show my dislike, and simply put the gift away for later, without making a big deal of it. The thing would be to quietly thank the giver, without giving undue attention to the gift (which might make the other non-gift givers uncomfortable, when they were following directions.

Debrarae

This does happen.

I think showing up with a gift when you were told not to, is inconsiderate, and may cause unnecessary awkwardness among the guests. I know that I've felt that way (after debating over it but ultimately deciding to abide by the request) showing up empty-handed and then seeing someone give the birthday person a gift.. Happened at my friend's 50th bday party.

[beefche]

And I only have one Pinata that I had custom made that we're all supposed to take swings at!

You really want the two competing grandmas to have bats??????

[Guest]

"Oh, thank you so much. Since we weren't really planning on gifts I'll just put this up and let her have it tomorrow when things have settled down." Then take it to your bedroom and get on with the party. If they're mad that they don't get to show off, they're outed. If they just wanted to do something nice for your daughter, they won't care.

Then send a nice thank you card.

[Guest]

Anatess, right or wrong, there is truth to that. However, regardless of what others expect, I am of the opinion that a celebration should be done honouring the "birthday person", "graduate" or "newlyweds" by respecting their wishes and putting aside our own wants. After all, it's only ONE day and it should be THEIR day but often times it isn't.

Ah, Bini... one of these days, I'm going to get my Do-Absolutely-Nothing-Day. My husband doesn't understand it. He thinks it's stupid to want to do absolutely nothing. He says that's what he considers Death.

All that said. Separate parties would work but would also be A LOT of work to pull together. Especially since I wanted to do the birthday party on her actual birthday and do all the celebrating in one day. It's gonna be exhausting to host two or three separate occasions.. And I only have one Pinata that I had custom made that we're all supposed to take swings at!

Our kids always get 2 parties. Well, actually, one party and one family time. The family party is really just another one of the regular dinner things we always do. I made it a tradition to make an angel cake every year on my kids' bday. Now, I can't cook, so baking a cake is rocket science. My oldest is now 10, my 2nd 8... so I've made 18 angel cakes in my life. The last cake I made is the first time I finally got the cake to actually taste like one, or maybe my taste buds just finally gave up on me. But, I still can't get the frosting right. I told my kids that they can be 40 years old, living half-way around the world, they will never be able to run away far enough from their yearly angel cake...

So, the family bday is basically the day that I can feel "safe" about making the bday cake. I don't do anything much - it's always potluck, I concentrate on baking the cake, everybody gets to do everything else including cleaning my mess in the kitchen afterwards. No pinatas, games, whatever. Just the regular family dinner. And they get to open the family presents.

Their actual bday parties are extravaganzas. I mean - water slides, games, 100 people, all day events. I usually make lunch and dinner. And every single year, I always get to make breakfast too for the ones my kids get to convince not to go home. I absolutely enjoy it. Interestingly, because the entire family is invited instead of just one kid out of the brood, I get a lot of adults in the party and they seem to just help pick up stuff and tidy up that at the end of the weekend, there's really not much left to do. And we don't usually get to open the presents. And sometimes we don't even get to do the birthday cake. And we gave up on the pinata years ago. When kids are out in the water slide and some running circles around the neighborhood with their ripstiks and some going to the community pool and some playing basketball out in the driveway and some playing video games upstairs and everybody else comes and goes inside the house, it just gets too complicated to get them all organized back to do something.

But yeah, it puts a dent in our wallet. I'm such a party girl, so the kids' bdays are my excuse to just go all out. My friends say I'm CRAZY! The kids' baptisms were all week events! I don't know what I'm gonna do when they get too old for bday parties. It's going to be one of those things I'm going to have a hard time adjusting to.

Not sure what my point was anymore... oh... it's that the family party can just be a regular dinner gathering. LOL.

Edited May 11, 2012 by anatess

[Jennarator]

I vote for Eowyn's idea. :) Sweet and polite, yet fixes the issue.

[MorningStar]

I think sometimes it's a way of saying, "We just want you company. Please don't stay home just because you don't have a gift to bring."

[classylady]

When my daughter got married last month, this is what we put on her invitations: "Since they are setting up their home in South Korea, they will be unable to take any gifts back with them. For this reason, they have chosen to have a Wedding Wishing Well. To support them on their special day the Wishing Well will be at the reception where they can receive any monetary gifts and best wishes."

Now, I had also mentioned about a month earlier on Facebook, that she was unable to receive gifts at the wedding, so it wasn't a surprise to family and friends. No one seemed to be upset about the "no gifts" request, and didn't mind the Wishing Well. Everyone honored the request for no gifts (except my mother who crocheted a couple of dish cloths for her).

I see nothing wrong with requesting "no gifts".

[pam]

And I only have one Pinata that I had custom made that we're all supposed to take swings at!

Oh just tape it back together. They'll never know. That's because it won't look the same as the other pinata they broke apart.

[applepansy]

Aw Bini. I remember being young, new baby and inlaws that didn't get along. We've been married 35 years now and we do not put the inlaws together in the same room unless its absolutely unavoidable ....such as a wedding. They have also learned to avoid each other and we provide enough space to made that possible.

There is nothing wrong with requesting no gifts. Those who really care about your daughter will respect that. Those that don't just put the gift away for another day.

I would suggest you talk to your mother and your husband talk to his. Explain that you would prefer no gifts. Do not expect them to get the message from a line at the bottom of an invitation. If necessary tell them why. They need to know their behavior is having a negative effect and is embarrassing everyone. Loving their granddaughter is not a competition and said competition will only have continuing negative effect on the child they are suppose to love. This can be done with love and respect, but if after you've talked to them they continue then you might have to have separate parties...but you're not to stage yet. Give them a chance to change their behavior around your daughter.

With my family and my inlaws, we got to the point rather quickly where we just did immediate family birthday parties. The kids saw their grandparents on another day, and usually at grandma's house. My kids are all adults now and they prefer not to be around either side of the family except for a favorite aunt who quietly refused to be part of the bad behavior.

Good Luck...not an easy situation to deal with but one you need to get resolved now instead of 20 or so years down the road at your daughter's wedding.

[Bini]

Thanks for the suggestions.

My mum and MIL are wonderful grandmas, very caring and nurturing - however - when the two are together and baby is in the middle, it's war! Haha. Rewind five or six years ago, and I would have been more cutthroat on the situation but over the years I've mellowed out a lot, and honestly, I'm sure it's for the best!

[Guest HSAB]

I think people sometimes think that the request for no gifts is an attempt to be humble, and the person giving the gift probably means well.