Man question

[Forget-Me-Not]

I know it isn't helpful to ask such a general question, but the story is too long, very painful, and my pride wants to keep me from thinking I look like a fool to others.

But, what I want to know is what makes a man run from a woman he loves? :'(

[BenRaines]

Fear of rejection for one.

Ben Raines

[Forget-Me-Not]

Fear of rejection for one.

Ben Raines

Well, this man does have abandonment issues from his earliest childhood, having been neglected and abandoned several times by his mother.

But would a man really run from a woman he loves, completely rejecting any chance for happiness with her, rather than risk being rejected by her? I mean, could such a fear really cause a man to refuse to take that risk?

[beefche]

Well, this man does have abandonment issues from his earliest childhood, having been neglected and abandoned several times by his mother.

But would a man really run from a woman he loves, completely rejecting any chance for happiness with her, rather than risk being rejected by her? I mean, could such a fear really cause a man to refuse to take that risk?

Yes.

[NeuroTypical]

One thing that occurs to me, is the woman may see a man reject and shun and shut out and run away, when all the man is doing is preoccupied with something. Like this:

HER DIARY

Sunday night – I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Truck wouldn't start. I don't know what's wrong with it.

[Guest]

LM, that is just too perfect. And so true! LOL!

[Forget-Me-Not]

Fear of rejection for one.

Ben Raines

Well, this man does have abandonment issues from his earliest childhood, having been neglected and abandoned several times by his mother.

But would a man really run from a woman he loves, completely rejecting any chance for happiness with her, rather than risk being rejected by her? I mean, could such a fear really cause a man to refuse to take that risk?

Yes.

On the one hand, that almost seems too simple. On the other hand, though, in spite of how hard he's running, if he thinks I doubt the truth of the love he professed for me, he becomes very upset, thinking that I think he lied. Even if fear of rejection is why he's running, though, I'm afraid it's far more complicated...

He does have serious trust issues, yes, he admitted that before he confessed his feelings for me, saying he was seriously negatively affected by his mother's lack of affection, that he can't trust and open himself up. But then he did open up, long enough to tell me how he felt for me, then he started backing away, only to turn and run again.

Well, I say again because he did run once several years before. After joining the church he was in a high pressure situation where he succumbed to taking a drink. He was so devastated by what he'd done that he ran from me, ran from church, ran from God, and resumed his former way of life.

It was only after the death of his mother that he began communicating with me again. In the course of our conversations he began to open up, telling me how badly he felt for letting me down by his fall from grace (as he saw it) how ashamed he was, as well as saying he needed to repent and wanted to come back to church.

Apparently he began to feel safe enough to say he'd never felt he could open up 100% to anyone before and be completely honest without being judged or condemned and how good it felt. We became so close that he even opened up enough to confess his feelings for me, feelings he'd had for many years. With that I confessed my own feelings for him, which I'd also had for many years, but had never told anyone.

He also told me he wouldn't run from me again. Unfortunately he has, though he refuses to say why, or to talk about it at all, except to say "we" won't work and that I want something from him that he will never be able to give me, yet refusing to say what that is, while, at the same time, still saying he loves me, that he always has, and that I know that. I do? :'(

All I really know is that I love this man beyond anything I ever thought possible and I'm completely heartbroken and I don't know how to help him, other than to keep loving him and praying for him.

[annewandering]

He probably committed some sin and now thinks he is unworthy again. Isnt it the same symptoms as last time but "milder"?

Looks like he is really trying to keep his word and not run but it has to be hard, for him, to do.

Perhaps discussing repentance might help him get some perspective? Hope you can work it out.

[Forget-Me-Not]

He probably committed some sin and now thinks he is unworthy again. Isnt it the same symptoms as last time but "milder"?

Looks like he is really trying to keep his word and not run but it has to be hard, for him, to do.

Perhaps discussing repentance might help him get some perspective? Hope you can work it out.

I do know he feels unworthy. He's talked of that. He's said he's half the person he should be and always will be. He longs for love and happiness in life, but doesn't feel he deserves it. I tried to help him understand that if he (we, any of us) were truly undeserving and unworthy the Lord would not have done all he did for our sakes, but that he gave everything for us because we are of infinite worth.

He knows these things, knows that only the Lord can heal him, but he's struggling for his faith. Has been ever since he began running the first time. He won't talk, though, at all, about anything anymore. When he ran before I never tried to contact him, afraid that by doing so it would only increase his guilt. That's something I didn't want to chance because I knew how brutal he could be on himself and I didn't want to add to that.

This time, though, I continue to write and I know he does read my emails. Of course, the only reason I know that is because if I say something he interprets to mean I don't believe he loves me, then he'll get upset enough to quickly fire back a hurt felt angry reply. Otherwise he will not respond at all, no matter what the topic.

People think I'm crazy, I think, telling me that I should forget about him, move on, and not waste my time, energy, or heart on an emotionally unavailable, scarred, and crippled man. If he was any other man, then yes, believe me, I would have done so a long time ago. But I know this man's spirit within.

I can only describe what I mean by that, in saying that I've seen his spirit, which is how and why I fell in love with him in the first place. The shell is attractive for the eye to look upon, yes, but the spirit within is so magnificent, so exquisite, so noble, so majestic, so powerfully strong and so beautiful that I could never look away.

So, I continue to write, in the hopes that somehow I can reach him and help him in some way. I can't stop, because I not only love him, but I could never bear the thought of him having to think that I didn't mean the things I said to him and that I've abandoned him too.

It may sound hopeless, as it surely does to me more days than not, but this time as he was starting his retreat he told me, "Your spirit draws me out, Satan draws me back." He also said, "You help constantly and don't even realize it." So, I continue to love him, because there is no way I could ever not.

When I write I sometimes include an article or talk or scripture I think may help. Other times I may share some piece of music I think he'll like. Sometimes a picture of a beautiful sunset, or a beautifully crafted fishing fly, or just some little thing I know he'd appreciate.

Yes, sometimes in my sorrow, my longings, or the loneliness will get the better of me and I will cry uncontrollably as I tell him how much I miss him and how much I wish he'd talk to me. I've never once, though, felt that the Lord would have me give up on him, but to the contrary.

So even though self pity sometimes overtakes me (thus this thread during an especially weak moment) I try to hang on even when I think I cannot bear it any longer, because he's worth everything to me. :')

[Forget-Me-Not]

One thing that occurs to me, is the woman may see a man reject and shun and shut out and run away, when all the man is doing is preoccupied with something. Like this:

I admit, as sad as I was feeling when I started this thread, I'm still chuckling over this when I think of it, because I could have almost written our names in those diary entries, any number of times, lol.

[Guest]

Are you quite certain he's not stringing you along? Are you sure of his feelings for you?

My baggage is talking here, but in my younger days I had a guy jerk me around for months, not because he wanted me or loved me anymore but because he didn't want to let me go. I clung onto any tiny little bit of hope he'd dangle in front of me for the longest time. The truth in the end was that he had lost interest, but wasn't man enough to tell me so.

[Misshalfway]

I know it isn't helpful to ask such a general question, but the story is too long, very painful, and my pride wants to keep me from thinking I look like a fool to others.

But, what I want to know is what makes a man run from a woman he loves? :'(

Presuming he really does return her love and that she isn't under any delusions.....

1. Fear of vulnerability

2. Inadequency

3. Performance anxiety

4. Fear of rejection

5. He likes golf...a lot!

[Misshalfway]

Well, this man does have abandonment issues from his earliest childhood, having been neglected and abandoned several times by his mother.

But would a man really run from a woman he loves, completely rejecting any chance for happiness with her, rather than risk being rejected by her? I mean, could such a fear really cause a man to refuse to take that risk?

Have you ever studied attachment insecurity? Might be something to look at. When kids don't grow up with a secure base (secure attachment with parents/caregivers), they typically develop an insecure attachment style to help them survive. Some are "preoccupied" with achieving closeness and sometimes drive others away with their petitions. Others, are "insecure avoidant", meaning that they avoid closeness to manage the anxiety they feel when in intimate proximity with someone. It doesn't mean they necessary don't want closeness, although that can be very true. It often means they don't know how to get it. The saddest story is the "disorganized" attachment style. These folks really struggle in the realm of relationships.

Typically, those with a secure attachment style marry others with secure styles. The same is true with folks who developed insecure attachment styles. When insecure folks marry (it happens inside the courting relationship too), a cycle usually forms...a cycle that causes disconnection. This happens when one partner "pursues" while the other partner "withdraws". It's not hard to see why this happens. A rabbit runs away and the dog chases. OR...the dog chases and the rabbit runs away. The trick is learning how NOT to "react" when our partner withdraws (or pursues.) If one can see the deficit in attachment needs and emotions associated with them, recognize them as the cause behind the withdraw/pursue "thing", and then respond properly, they can diffuse the cycle and reestablish satisfying connection. Worst thing one can do when a partner withdraws?? Right! the answer is... "pursue"! :)

Clear as mud?? :)

Edited May 31, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Forget-Me-Not]

Are you quite certain he's not stringing you along? Are you sure of his feelings for you?

My baggage is talking here, but in my younger days I had a guy jerk me around for months, not because he wanted me or loved me anymore but because he didn't want to let me go. I clung onto any tiny little bit of hope he'd dangle in front of me for the longest time. The truth in the end was that he had lost interest, but wasn't man enough to tell me so.

Well, believe me, I very much understand the question and not only have I had my ex-husband and my brother bombard me with that thinking, as well as a number of friends, but from time to time I would slip into wondering if they were right, at least at first. There are, though, a number of details I felt need to leave out which were either too personal for he and/or myself to go into, as well as some things of a spiritual nature I would prefer not to explain.

I will say, though, that he had almost nothing to gain and a very great deal to risk losing by ever confessing his feelings for me in the first place, and even more by continuing to profess love for me after he began his retreat. All of those details would likely help in making it at least a little more easy to understand the many complications and obstacles for us both, besides us living over 2,600 miles apart so there's little convenience for him in keeping me hopeful.

I do know what we shared, though, above all, albeit long distance via email (though literally thousands) but in spite of all that, I gave him every means, opportunity, and encouragement possible to enable him to bow out if he so desired, without having to come up with courage to explain something he didn't want to say, including numerous reminders that if his feelings had changed I would understand.

At one point I even wrote an entire long list of things where all he needed was to pick one, or even a few. Some things on the list were deliberately amusing, some very serious, but all valid for someone to be able to run without ever having to tell the truth and come away looking like a good guy. He would not bite, though, not even the least nibble and believe me, I tried, and I'm nothing if not persistent when I want answers, lol. Plus, now that he's not talking at all, nor do I even know if he will ever speak to me again, and since he has clearly stated "we" won't work and with saying I want something from him he'll never be able to give me, that doesn't dangle much of anything.

I do know, though, the peace I receive from the Spirit when I use a trusting and accepting approach with concerning myself with his life obstacles above my own wants, just as I know the sense of despair and anguish that results for me when I succumb self pity, anger, or resentment and fall into the temptation of distrusting and doubting him.

So, with everything, though it may sound too easy or simplistic or even gullible (which I very well may be convinced of myself if it was someone else's story) I truly do believe that it is not the Lord's will that I give up or forsake him as either the man I love, or the man who loves me.

Being human, though, and loving a man I cannot presently have, and may live the rest of my life without being able to have (as I cannot know the future, cannot read his mind, nor the Lord's) I do succumb to doubts, fears, and distrust from time to time when things look so hopeless. But when I remember where the source my peace lies on the matter, I'm able to come out of that sense of hopelessness, at least until the next time I succumb, lol.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Forget-Me-Not

[Forget-Me-Not]

Have you ever studied attachment insecurity? Might be something to look at. When kids don't grow up with a secure base (secure attachment with parents/caregivers), they typically develop an insecure attachment style to help them survive. Some are "preoccupied" with achieving closeness and sometimes drive others away with their petitions. Others, are "insecure avoidant", meaning that they avoid closeness to manage the anxiety they feel when in intimate proximity with someone. It doesn't mean they necessary don't want closeness, although that can be very true. It often means they don't know how to get it. The saddest story is the "disorganized" attachment style. These folks really struggle in the realm of relationships.

Typically, those with a secure attachment style marry others with secure styles. The same is true with folks who developed insecure attachment styles. When insecure folks marry (it happens inside the courting relationship too), a cycle usually forms...a cycle that causes disconnection. This happens when one partner "pursues" while the other partner "withdraws". It's not hard to see why this happens. A rabbit runs away and the dog chases. OR...the dog chases and the rabbit runs away. The trick is learning how NOT to "react" when our partner withdraws (or pursues.) If one can see the deficit in attachment needs and emotions associated with them, recognize them as the cause behind the withdraw/pursue "thing", and then respond properly, they can diffuse the cycle and reestablish satisfying connection. Worst thing one can do when a partner withdraws?? Right! the answer is... "pursue"! :)

Clear as mud?? :)

Thank you. I've never heard of attachment insecurity, but, in spite of that, I've clearly learned that whenever I sink into the fear mode thing where I end up chasing, it's not beneficial, for either him or me. In the beginning after we confessed our feelings for each other, he was the one chasing and I was the one running. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you may look at it, he ran faster than me, lol.

But, I do know that when I think more of his needs, rather than my own, I'm calm, peaceful, and much more patient, and I've learned he feels less of a need to run away. Of course, when he ran the first time I let him completely alone, and we didn't speak at all for nearly a decade. That was before I knew how he felt for me, or he I. We still felt the same for each other even then, we just both thought it was completely hopeless not having any conscious idea how the other felt. But, I will most definitely do some reading about attachment insecurity.

I do know we're both very much alike with many of the same strengths and, unfortunately, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Once he ran fast enough to catch me, but before he started running away, we were very much there for each other, something neither one of us had ever had before. During that time we were in such sinc and we both moved in the direction we wanted to be moving together. That's where I want us to be again, and where we were both clearly happiest. So, I will definitely do some study. Thank you. :)

[Forget-Me-Not]

Have you ever studied attachment insecurity? Might be something to look at. When kids don't grow up with a secure base (secure attachment with parents/caregivers), they typically develop an insecure attachment style to help them survive. Some are "preoccupied" with achieving closeness and sometimes drive others away with their petitions. Others, are "insecure avoidant", meaning that they avoid closeness to manage the anxiety they feel when in intimate proximity with someone. It doesn't mean they necessary don't want closeness, although that can be very true. It often means they don't know how to get it. The saddest story is the "disorganized" attachment style. These folks really struggle in the realm of relationships.

Typically, those with a secure attachment style marry others with secure styles. The same is true with folks who developed insecure attachment styles. When insecure folks marry (it happens inside the courting relationship too), a cycle usually forms...a cycle that causes disconnection. This happens when one partner "pursues" while the other partner "withdraws". It's not hard to see why this happens. A rabbit runs away and the dog chases. OR...the dog chases and the rabbit runs away. The trick is learning how NOT to "react" when our partner withdraws (or pursues.) If one can see the deficit in attachment needs and emotions associated with them, recognize them as the cause behind the withdraw/pursue "thing", and then respond properly, they can diffuse the cycle and reestablish satisfying connection. Worst thing one can do when a partner withdraws?? Right! the answer is... "pursue"! :)

Clear as mud?? :)

(Gosh, this got long, sorry, lol. No one need bog through it if they find it too long or boring, though. It's more of one of those self-talk kind of things than anything, anyway, I'd say, lol.)

Okay, did a little reading. Very interesting. Both he and I are very much attachment insecurity folk. As if you couldn't tell, right? Lol. We both seem to be mostly "Fearful–avoidant attachment" types over all, with he being somewhat "Dismissive–avoidant" too, and me being somewhat "Anxious–preoccupied" though we both have a bit of all three.

He is very aware that he has many emotional issues resulting from his traumatic childhood, as do I of my own. During the several months that we were so very close in our daily communications where we talked about everything imaginable and sharing so many interests and passions for so many things in addition to how we felt for one another, talking about everything from God to fly fishing to music to food, just really sharing everything about ourselves and our lives with each other and being very supportive and encouraging of each other, we also talked a great deal about the emotional issues we've suffered from our respective childhoods.

He was as eager and open in all of these discussions as was I and if he were in a talkative state now, as he was then, I know it would have been easy and very productive for us to discuss "attachment insecurity" too, sure that we would both have found it interesting and would likely have learned a great deal about ourselves and each other to know better how to overcome our traumas, insecurities, fears and tendencies. I'm sure of that by the great solace and comfort we both found in having each other for the love and support neither of us had ever had in our lives with anyone before.

Unfortunately he is in his no talk mode and refuses to communicate at all. I should mention that when he goes into that mode he withdraws from everyone and it was not just from me he was withdrawing, but all family and friends too. It's a pattern he has of withdrawing into himself when he's not coping with his emotional state and always has been. I know this very well about him because I've known him since he was 4 years old.

So, even when he started retreating from me, he was also retreating from everyone else in his life too. As poor as his communication was becoming though, I was concerned enough to talk about it with him and found out that he was still communicating with me far more than anyone else in his life. That helped me be less inclined to press him to talk when he wasn't up for it, until my own fears and insecurities started kicking in.

But, the less he talked the more I wanted him to because I was not only missing him (with he expressing himself missing me badly, in spite of his retreating) but I was also very worried about him as well, because he has a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety and it can become severe enough for him to have overwhelming feelings that he wants to end his life. I don't know that he would ever make an actual attempt, but those feelings have plagued him from time to time since he was a teenager, nonetheless.

I should also note that in spite of his emotional baggage he is very highly functioning in his life, in his career and as a single father, having an unbelievable amount of responsibilities to tend to. The advantage he has in that is having so much to occupy his attention, and must, he is able to have far more distractions (as well as a lot of stressors) and things to focus on than I do. So, though he missed me badly too, he had a life that kept him very busy and occupied. I, on the other hand, have nothing to distract me, so my missing him, along with all we had and shared, as well as thought we would share in the future, has been very much harder for me. So I know one of the things I must do is make a life for myself (something I've been struggling to figure out how to do since my divorce).

The thing is, though, now, that he's given up on us thinking we won't work (for whatever his reasoning is) he refuses to communicate at all anymore. Oh, if I mention in an email how much I've missed getting new pictures of he or his son (last remaining minor child living at home) he'd likely post new pictures on his facebook that night, for example. Or if I were to write something in an email to him that I thought he'd be especially pleased with, I would often find some very affirming type of graphic on his facebook that night or the next day, even if he'd posted nothing for weeks or even months. So, it appears that he's still at least trying to communicate or respond.

But, since he will not actually talk to me anymore, I'm left to try to figure out how I should do things without any input from him. So, even though I had not heard of attachment insecurity, I have been trying to figure out how to best handle that run chase thing that I did see as a problem, without him feeling that I've disserted or abandoned him by giving up because he won't talk.

Knowing all I do about his trust issues, though, I really do not feel I should cease communicating to him, but my efforts the last few months have been to try not to write as often, for one, but also when I do, to try not to say things that might add to his stress or might cause him to feel more pressure, but to try to be positive and help him feel more at ease and also encouraged. Such as writing recently to tell him how excited I was to learn of the encredible job offer he'd received from the company he works for and how pleased I was to learn that he'd accepted it, knowing how much he loves his work. Or, as I did yesterday, writing to tell him about a possible job opportunity, and one which I know he would be specifically and extremely pleased over for me. And, too, even if I'm missing him and say so, I do my best, by the way I say it, to not cause him to feel pressure or guilt. That sort of thing.

Anyway, I do feel, very strongly, that the Lord does not want me to give up on him and when I do better at concerning myself more with his emotional needs, rather than my own longings, saddness, and lonliness (as per "us") that is when I have that peaceful reassurance from the Spirit that I'm on the right track. I just need to figure out how to better do things from my end, where he is concerned, as well as figuring out how to do the things I need to do for me, so I can have a life again, because, even if there is hope for he and I to have all we talked of, after all, one day, I need to have a life in the meantime anyway. I cannot just sit and pine away crying and when I slip into despair I need to remind myself of that. So, I have much work to do. :)

Edited June 2, 2012 by Forget-Me-Not

[kimzirker]

To this outsider looking in on this post, I want to say that this is not a very stable, mutually beneficial relationship. It's admirable for you to want to be there for him and do your best to meet his needs when he apparently doesn't feel the same way about you. Sometimes when we want something SO BADLY to be true, we make excuses and alter reality trying to mold things into what we want them to be. (I'm not judging-just speaking from my own experience of pursuing a repair in my marriage and stretching to see signs that he was wanting to do it too. Reality sucks sometimes.) How about finding someone who is willing and able to meet your needs instead? Don't you think you deserve that? You do. You deserve someone who doesn't cease all communication with you without saying the reasons. You deserve better. Do you know that God loves you too and wants YOU to be happy? I don't know all the details and maybe I'm wrong, but I think after months of trying to meet his emotional needs without him communicating back--it might be time to take a step back and take inventory of the situation and try to decide what's real and what's you looking for something to be real. Good luck to you and God bless. :)

[Forget-Me-Not]

To this outsider looking in on this post, I want to say that this is not a very stable, mutually beneficial relationship. It's admirable for you to want to be there for him and do your best to meet his needs when he apparently doesn't feel the same way about you. Sometimes when we want something SO BADLY to be true, we make excuses and alter reality trying to mold things into what we want them to be. (I'm not judging-just speaking from my own experience of pursuing a repair in my marriage and stretching to see signs that he was wanting to do it too. Reality sucks sometimes.) How about finding someone who is willing and able to meet your needs instead? Don't you think you deserve that? You do. You deserve someone who doesn't cease all communication with you without saying the reasons. You deserve better. Do you know that God loves you too and wants YOU to be happy? I don't know all the details and maybe I'm wrong, but I think after months of trying to meet his emotional needs without him communicating back--it might be time to take a step back and take inventory of the situation and try to decide what's real and what's you looking for something to be real. Good luck to you and God bless. :)

Thank you. And I know how it must look. If I was on the outside looking in I'd probably see the same. Oh gosh, for all I know, maybe that's the way it is and I can't see it. I question myself all the time anymore. Today is one of those not such good days when I do. I do know when I feel the peaceful reassurance from the Spirit, I don't question then, not at all, knowing the source of that peace. But otherwise anymore I question everything it seems.

It isn't helping that the only stable person I ever had in my life, my mother, recently began loosing her perception of reality, slipped into a life of hallucinations and delusions, and has been locked up in a phych ward now for a month. Needless to say, now I'm questioning everything I ever knew, even my own sanity at times, afraid I may turn out to be ill, as she. Oh I do wish things could be simple. They're surely not right now. Some days I just long for rest to recover from life.

[John11111]

I know its not what you want to hear but obviously you guys are having issues already getting married doesnt make every issue you had before vanish it could get worse. Throw in some kids and bills and so many other complications that arise in life and your asking for trouble. I will agree with the others and say I think its time for you to let go and move on.

If you dont want to take our advice then listen to the one who matters pray about it and ask for heavenly fathers help on the matter.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I know its not what you want to hear but obviously you guys are having issues already getting married doesnt make every issue you had before vanish it could get worse. Throw in some kids and bills and so many other complications that arise in life and your asking for trouble. I will agree with the others and say I think its time for you to let go and move on.

If you dont want to take our advice then listen to the one who matters pray about it and ask for heavenly fathers help on the matter.

So sorry I ended up making such a long post again...

Thank you. It's helpful to have perspectives beyond my own and with almost no one to talk to of this, I do very much appreciate the input from all of you. I also understand why it would seem time to let go and move on, too, I do. If this were someone else's tale of woe, I would likely find it quite sad that they'd be clinging to hope when things appeared as futile as this looks to be and would hate to imagine them wasting time on this one man when there's a world out there where plenty of good and emotionally available men surely must exist.

Oh, I hasten to add that's not to say I think a woman can't live a happy and fulfilled life without a man there to make her happy. Actually I was convinced for years that if anything were to happen to my husband, I felt I'd be quite content to live the rest of my life alone, even sure I would prefer it that way. But, then, when the only man you realize you've ever truly loved (but loved from afar for over a decade) confesses to you he loves you and has for far longer than that, well, your perspective can change quite dramatically.

But, in light of what you said about listening to the one who matters and asking Heavenly Father's help on the matter, I guess I'll relent and add a couple more pieces of the story with two experiences I had pertaining to it. I've sought guidance by way of prayer all along and these experiences were singular and profound, but that's part of the problem. Well, not that the experiences are part of the problem. I am, because of my tendency to succumb to doubt. So instead of asking why a man runs from a woman he loves, maybe I should have started a thread asking how one refrains from succumbing to doubting the Lord when things begin to look hopeless.

Anyway, yes, Heavenly Father is definitely the only one who can help either this man, or me. So maybe with what I add it will help make it a little more clear as to why I haven't yet given up. There are days I wish I could give up, days I do want to because it can be so hard, but the truth is, doubting has actually the biggest trial for me in all of this. Patience has never been my long suit, but I do have the capacity for it, if I must, just the same. The worst, though, is when I let doubt overtake me and then I can easily plunge into a sense of hopelessness and despair and that is what I'm having the greatest trouble living through and overcoming it seems.

I did hesitate talking about these experiences before as not only are they very personal, but there have been even those in the faith who are doubtful enough to attempt to convince me I only imagined them. I didn't and I know that, but being the imperfect human being I am and with having most everything I've ever wanted in life denied me thus far, I tend to be even more susceptible to doubt, I think, feeling if I really want something, I'm not going to be allowed to have it. I know that there is nothing impossible for the Lord, but when I succumb to doubt, despair follows, which may actually be because I am doubting the Lord himself. So, to add...

When I first realized what I felt for this man I was absolutely horrified because I was a married woman at the time. I should add that there was no impropriety of any kind that led to this. I was committed to marriage for life (having married a non-LDS man) in spite of our problems. But since I also understood the weakness of human nature, I was always very careful in all I did as far as contact with the opposite was sex was concerned, being very aware that no one is immune from risk in forming emotional attachments to others that could lead to romantic feelings. Since such feelings could easily then lead to the disaster of adultery, I had always made it a point to use extreme caution to avoid any situation at all that could put me at risk for developing feelings for somone else.

So, to continue, being horrified, as I said, at discovering I had fallen in love with a man not my husband, I spent the next year in agony praying, pleading that those feelings be removed from me, while doing all I could to bring that about. Then on one especially hard day I was in such anguish I was literally crying out to Heavenly Father, not knowing what to do, when the Spirit spoke, not in an audible voice, but to my mind, and very strongly and powerfully, but so lovingly and filled with compassion, speaking the words, "Wait upon the Lord." That was all.

Those feelings were not removed, but I was filled with peace and comfort in knowing the Lord was aware of my plight and that I was under no condemnation for my feelings of love for this man. That experience enabled me to lay it all aside and leave it in the hands of the Lord and live my life the best I could for the next several years, thinking at the time that if there was any hope for me and this man, it would have to come in the hear after anyway, since to my knowledge he had no such feelings for me.

That changed, of course, after this man confessed his own feelings for me and then when I confessed mine for him, there was finally hope, for both of us, for the first time and things were wonderful and we were looking ahead to the future, until he began to back away and then to run. Eventually, with that I then began to doubt sufficiently to sink into a low enough state that I felt pretty much forced to give up altogether.

That brings me to the second experience. I awoke feeling ill one Sunday morning, with not only being very discouraged and depressed over the hopeless state of my personal life, as I saw it, but also with feeling physically ill with a great deal of abdominal distress, churning, and painful burning in my stomach and abdomen, so I decided rather than go to church I would stay in bed and rest. Finally, though, with feeling strongly in need of the sacrament, I made myself get up and go to church anyway.

With all the sacrament hymns we could have sung that day, we had to sing I Stand All Amazed, a hymn I absolutely love, but one that never ceases to bring me to tears. So, feeling very emotional as the sacrament began to be passed, I began to plead with my Heavenly Father in prayer, asking that if this man and I were not meant to be to please help me overcome the feelings of love I had for him so that I could move on. But, if there was yet hope, that if it was the Lord's will that we be together, to please give me the peace I needed to get through things in the meantime.

Upon concluding that prayer, the sweetest sensation of peace began to overtake me, which washed down through my torso. It was a literal physical sensation, which began just under my colar bones and washed slowly down to just below my navel, and as it did, it completely soothed and washed away the pain, discomfort, and burning in my stomach and abdomen as it went, as well as filling me with the most beautiful sense of comfort emotionally. I was in awe and began thanking my Heavenly Father in profound gratitude.

But, believe it or not, doubt immediately seized me and I questioned if I had actually just experienced what I had. I mean, I knew I had, I still felt the peace, but the experience was just so beautiful I could hardly believe it could have happened, so I prayed the same prayer again in my doubt, with the same sweet sensation of peace washing down through me as before, though softer, as if a tender reassurance.

The comfort I had from that experience sustained me for quite a few months, but, as time passed and things with this man seemed to deteriorate further looking more and more bleak, especially once he said we wouldn't work and that I wanted something from him he'd never be able to give me and then with quitting talking to me altogether, I began to lose hope and trust enough to sink back into despair once more and that's where I've been finding myself trapped again of late.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Forget-Me-Not

[Sunshine40]

Why did you get divorced? Is this man feeling guilty because he may think he caused it? Is he just really insecure?

Wow, I did not think I would find this instance right away, but you just described my life for the past two years...except I never got divorced. I just found myself at my bishop's house confessing two years ago that I was NOT in love with my husband, but I "did something really stupid" and fell in love with a man "not my husband"..

This was ALL over the internet as well.

The same answer of "wait" was all I got when I prayed. The same feelings of peace came over me. I felt accepted and loved as I never had before. He was my very best friend that I have ever had.

The deal is this..you do not know what you are "waiting" for. You do not know for sure what "wait on the Lord" means. It means he will do what best for you..and that may be NOT what you want it to be. I know how you feel. I know you want to be with this dear, dear friend, and doubt and despair and hormones all torture you to no end. Some days you are fine,. and some days you are not.

After literally deciding NOT to have an affair, I thought I could still be this man's friend. I THOUGHT WRONG. For as long as you continue to email him, or stalk him on facebook, you will be torturing yourself because he does not write back. He won't take the bite when you go fishing, and it is going to HURT.

Because you ARE single now (and peice of me is yelling "lucky you") if I were you, I would sit and decide if he was worth sacrificing your entitre life as you know it right now. Will you physically uproot yourself, (with the possibility of leaving your children behind--sorry I do not know your reasons for divorce nor custody situation) and MOVE to where he lives? You need to realize ALL the consequences to that decision. Will you show up on his doorstep and see if he will give it one last shot? IF there is any doubt, then you need to do yourself a favor and stop hurting yourself over this man.

One of the biggest things I have learned over these past few years is that when want something so desperately, that is NOT the Lord's will, I tried to make myslef beleive that it WAS in some way...even going to the depths of " in the next life, we will be together" and hoping for THAT.. STOP HOPING FOR THAT!!!!!

Your heavenly Father LOVES you. You are his daughter. He wants you to be happy.

Ask yourself, Is this situation making you happy? I think not. I think the longer you go on torturing yourself, the more miserable you will become. Stop emailing him. If it is "meant to be" it will happen. He has to be ready though, or you will find yourself with a husband who has run away for the third time later. Let him come to you.

In the mean time, move on with your life. And get out of my shoes. You do not want to be there.

One more thing...and i hesitate to say this, but are you SURE he is divorced? He's acting married.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Sunshine40

[Forget-Me-Not]

Why did you get divorced? Is this man feeling guilty because he may think he caused it? Is he just really insecure?

Wow, I did not think I would find this instance right away, but you just described my life for the past two years...except I never got divorced. I just found myself at my bishop's house confessing two years ago that I was NOT in love with my husband, but I "did something really stupid" and fell in love with a man "not my husband"..

This was ALL over the internet as well.

The same answer of "wait" was all I got when I prayed. The same feelings of peace came over me. I felt accepted and loved as I never had before. He was my very best friend that I have ever had.

The deal is this..you do not know what you are "waiting" for. You do not know for sure what "wait on the Lord" means. It means he will do what best for you..and that may be NOT what you want it to be. I know how you feel. I know you want to be with this dear, dear friend, and doubt and despair and hormones all torture you to no end. Some days you are fine,. and some days you are not.

After literally deciding NOT to have an affair, I thought I could still be this man's friend. I THOUGHT WRONG. For as long as you continue to email him, or stalk him on facebook, you will be torturing yourself because he does not write back. He won't take the bite when you go fishing, and it is going to HURT.

Because you ARE single now (and peice of me is yelling "lucky you") if I were you, I would sit and decide if he was worth sacrificing your entitre life as you know it right now. Will you physically uproot yourself, (with the possibility of leaving your children behind--sorry I do not know your reasons for divorce nor custody situation) and MOVE to where he lives? You need to realize ALL the consequences to that decision. Will you show up on his doorstep and see if he will give it one last shot? IF there is any doubt, then you need to do yourself a favor and stop hurting yourself over this man.

One of the biggest things I have learned over these past few years is that when want something so desperately, that is NOT the Lord's will, I tried to make myslef beleive that it WAS in some way...even going to the depths of " in the next life, we will be together" and hoping for THAT.. STOP HOPING FOR THAT!!!!!

Your heavenly Father LOVES you. You are his daughter. He wants you to be happy.

Ask yourself, Is this situation making you happy? I think not. I think the longer you go on torturing yourself, the more miserable you will become. Stop emailing him. If it is "meant to be" it will happen. He has to be ready though, or you will find yourself with a husband who has run away for the third time later. Let him come to you.

In the mean time, move on with your life. And get out of my shoes. You do not want to be there.

One more thing...and i hesitate to say this, but are you SURE he is divorced? He's acting married.

I very much appreciate your input. I'm also very sorry for what you went through. I don't know what the future holds for me, or for this man, but when I listen to the Lord in how I should deal with him, that's when I have peace over the matter, so giving up is not something I feel to do at this point, though that doesn't mean it will always be so. I do know that I have to make a life for myself. So that's what I need to figure out how to do. It's hard to start all over again, but I must, whether I ever have this man in my life or not. Thank you Sunshine. :)