needsomehelp Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) I have been living with a huge amount of guilt for a long time. I have had issues with pornography and mb since my teens. I have had long periods of abstaining in the past because I know that it is wrong. But I often returned and couldn't explain to myself why. When I married my wife in the temple, I had unresolved sins and I couldn't bear to tell my wife-to-be because I feared rejection. Well, I went through the first year of marriage without any infidelity but, for some months, I started down the same paths that I swore I never would return down. The reason it lasted months is because I felt so badly that I had returned and this particular sin is a coping mechanism. Now, I know that a lot of people here will tell me that I am an addict. And I very well may be but I have been able to abstain for as long as over a year in the past. I am almost certain that after the bitter guilt and anguish that I felt when I repented for damaging myself and my wife that I will never return to this sin again. It has been two months since I have forsaken my sins. I have wept so many times because I have potentially ruined our lives. I am so grateful for my wife and I have grown a new and deeper appreciation towards her. I have not told her about these sins. She feels that everything in our marriage is great. I have felt constant guilt since forsaking my sins. If I had to confess to a bishop and do whatever I needed to do, I would be willing. The thing that I cannot get myself to do is to confess to my wife. I cannot bear to inflict that pain onto her and I have rehearsed confessing multiple times but cannot get myself to do it. Lately, I have just tried to put her needs first in everything that I do and I have tried to show her love every moment we are together. But I can't get myself to confess to her. It seems impossible. I have thought about telling her now, a year from now, a few years from now, or several years from now. All of the results seem to be the same. If I hide this from her for a long time, then the damage may increase. And lets say that I am an addict but that I stop for good right now. Or lets say that I had never looked at porn before and started for the first time after marriage and stopped myself a little later down the road? Would that have made any difference? It is still an assault on my wife's heart, trust, soul, and emotions. I know that unless I repent that our marriage will not last forever and that I must go to a different kingdom after this life. I grew up in the church, I know the gospel, I have just struggled with this horrible sin for a long time. Will my wife be able to forgive me? I know that that is a hard question for people to answer since you do not know my wife. She is strong in the church. She is kind to everyone. She is positive and loving. But this news would shatter everything that she holds dear. All of our life's plans could come to a screeching halt. Plus, I have no excuse or explanation as to why I did what I did. All I can say is that I made terrible, repetitive mistakes and that my only wish is to restore what I have damaged. Is there anyone that has had experience with this? Can I save my marriage? Will forgiveness and forgetting be possible for my wife? Again, assume that it will never happen again, as I feel that this is going to be the case. I feel like I am in the gall of bitterness and that things must get a whole lot worse before they can get better. My main two concerns, and the only things that I think about all the time are: I want to save my soul, and I want to save my marriage. Thank you. Edited August 13, 2012 by needsomehelp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windseeker Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) In most cases I believe this sin is a self-destructive way of handling your sex drive, the constant bombardment of sexual imagery from our society and a method of comforting yourself and handling stress. Like you say, it's a coping mechanism. What is it you're expecting from telling your wife? How do you think it can help you overcome this? Telling your wife may initially help you as you see the pain you cause her, but the increase in stress you get will likely cause you to revisit this behavior. Your wife most likely will not know how to handle this and it will only bring her pain and destroy her trust in you. She won't have a proper perspective or outlet to handle this. I just don't think there is anything your wife can do to help you. The more effort she puts in to try to help you, the more disappointed she will be when you fail. She will likely blame herself which is going to make you (if you’re a loving husband) feel even worse and may drive you deeper into your addiction. She will wonder why those other girls attract you and she doesn't which will make her feel less attractive and may result in her losing her drive, which will make it even harder on you. I would like to be wrong on this, but I think it's just too much to ask and in some cases it's selfish on the part of the husband. I think you need to take that motivation and focus it in the right direction, and that is taking advantage of the addiction recovery program offered by the church. Here is a link to the Meeting Locator so you can find one close to you. You also need to speak with your Bishop. He is your spiritual leader and his advice trumps anything from me or anyone else on this site. You are right about one thing; it will destroy your family if you give up.LDS Addiction Recovery Program Edited August 13, 2012 by Windseeker Added link Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needsomehelp Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Are you saying that I should just not tell my wife? I am a loving husband, and now that I have contemplated losing my wife I have become desperate to do anything to keep her in my life. If she was not apart of my life anymore then I think I would sink into a chronic depression. If I tell my bishop (I know that this is the next appropriate step) then that will be it. I will have some sort of disciplinary consequence and at that point my wife will wonder what happened to my standing in the church. I don't see any other way out then her discovering the truth or me keeping it from her and everyone else in my life for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, the impact will be devastating. If I confess to the bishop then I will most certainly have to confess to my wife and then our marriage will be forever changed for the worse (at least that is what I am finding as I read stories about similar situations to mine). If I stay silent then I will just endure the guilt and pain for the remainder of my days and die without proper confession to the bishop, thereby putting me out of reach of the Celestial Kingdom with my wife. I cannot chose the consequences of my actions and so I am putting off dealing with the consequences. This is not a good approach but I am terrified that my wife will be forever hurt and inconsolable by me. If I told her in 2, 5, 10 or 15 years and I never faltered again during that time, would it be any better or worse than telling her right now? I know that a lot can happen in that time but living our lives together in happiness is all I want right now. If I told her now, then it might be 10 or 15 years before our marriage feels similar to how it does right now. This wound will take a long time to heal for her. And she may not want me to be a part of her life anymore. I know that I shouldn't get any sympathy. These were my sins that I chose to participate in but the sorrow and the guilt that I feel is monumental and soul crushing. I can only imagine it amplifying if I told her and that is why I am putting it off. I am also trying to find others that may have had similar issues in their marriage or someone that they know. I want some peace of mind and some hope before I confess. This much I do know, if this is an addiction that I am experiencing, I feel that the pain and sorrow that I am feeling right now has etched a permanent mark on my brain that I believe will block out all tendencies to ever look at other women again. I cannot even look at any women in a desirable way without cringing and diverting my eyes because I feel that it is another assault on my wife's emotions. One of the most difficult things that I probably couldn't explain to my wife is how I could let it go on for so long before I stopped myself. Or how she would feel that I felt that she wasn't enough for me. I do not feel that way about her at all but it is easier said than done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windseeker Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Have you committed adultry? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needsomehelp Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 I have not committed adultery. I couldn't imagine doing that. Of course some might say that if I couldn't imagine committing adultery then how could I have looked at porn and masturbated over the years? Well, I don't know. It escalated from small things to bigger things but then tapered off. But, in answer to your question, no I have not committed adultery Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ardell89104 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Get her to watch with you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needsomehelp Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Ardell89104, how is having her sin with me going to resolve anything? Do you understand that these activities are wrong? Plus, she would be disgusted at the very idea. Constructive ideas only, please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ardell89104 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Ardell89104, how is having her sin with me going to resolve anything? Do you understand that these activities are wrong? Plus, she would be disgusted at the very idea. Constructive ideas only, please.How is it a sin if she knows and watches with you? I mean you are no longer hidding anything.How do you know she would be disgusted? Maybe she would be happy to add some spice to your marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windseeker Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 You need to talk to your Bishop. I understand your concerns. I dont think its necessary to burden your wife and burden your marriage anymore than it already is with this. But that is up to your ecclesiastical leader. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Ardell if you are truly LDS, you know that what you're suggesting is wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alucarD1975 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 I say don't tell her......not yet a least. you say that you have been able to abstaiin in the past for long periods of time....abstain...commit to it. The response you will get here is to talk to your bishop, if you talk to your bishop you may as well tell your wife. ask your self this question: if I tell my wife what good will come of it? you will hurt her, your kids, this will change your relationship forever an not in a positive way. there are other resources for counseling if you think that you are suffering from an addiction to porn that are not church related. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Windseeker Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 I don't agree that in this case that telling the Bishop = Wife knowing. We are not talking about Adultry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alucarD1975 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 The bishop will always counsel to "confess" always Look at the church view of masterbation, while I have never been a bishop I'm willing to bet he pulls the wife in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 How is it a sin if she knows and watches with you? I mean you are no longer hidding anything.How do you know she would be disgusted? Maybe she would be happy to add some spice to your marriage.It is a sin because the two of you are looking at OTHER naked people you aren't married to, first of all.It is a sin because the people who make the porn are EVIL and you are supporting an evil industry by participating in it, regardless of whether both parties of the marriage are doing it together.And lastly, it is a terrible idea because after I found my husband's porn years ago, I got drawn in and addicted to it myself for a short while until I was able to get help from my bishop and get out of it. I still get images in my head from those days that make me sick and I wish so much that I could have avoided that.I highly doubt if a bishop would force you to tell your wife if you don't want to. He might advise you to tell her, but I would be shocked if he forced it. I know there have been times when I was talking to my bishop about my marriage and he has indicated that he can't talk about this or that thing my husband had said because it was said in confidence.I would much rather my husband have told me rather than finding out for myself and then having to confront him about it. Especially if he had said it started before he met me, it has nothing to do with me, and that he wants to get help to figure out how to not do it again.He thinks he's not addicted, too, because he has managed to stop for up to a year at a time at different times. But when things get especially stressful, he always goes back. He managed to stop drinking and drugs for almost 2 decades, too, but that doesn't mean he wasn't addicted.I think you need help to learn how to manage your stress to find healthy ways to deal with it so when it gets tempting again (it will) you will have other coping strategies. There are also support groups for wives of porn addicts, and, come to think of it, I need to find one myself... I know there are lots in the Utah County / Salt Lake County areas, but I don't know about other places. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alucarD1975 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 It is a sin because the people who make the porn are EVIL and you are supporting an evil industry by participating in it, regardless of whether both parties of the marriage are doing it together.People who make porn are EVIL? throwing a broad net there aren't you?While I don't promote Porn or watch it myself I wouldn't rush to judgement about people who watch or participate in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 People who make porn are EVIL?Is there a definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alucarD1975 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Is there a definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography?how many people do you know that make porn?oh ...zero?I bet even people that make porn put their pants on one leg at a time, pay their mortages, taxes and live "normal" lives. maybe instead of passing judgement that effort might be focused on missionary work and bring these people the light of Christ. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Yeah, Vort, why don't you go out and convert all those innocent makers and pushers of porn that you don't know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alucarD1975 Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Yeah, Vort, why don't you go out and convert all those innocent makers and pushers of porn that you don't know?spread the gospel....I think the Prophet wants us to do that....or do we exclude people because of their line of work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needsomehelp Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 How did this turn into a debate on whether porn or the makers of porn are evil or good? Porn and masturbation are both evil practices. The prophets have said so and the spirit is definitely absent when these activities are done. The shame and destruction to families that these two activities produce are very evident. I have read many stories to that effect. I am not proud of the times when I participated in these sins. That is one reason why I created this post, because I wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience or had heard of one where confession to a wife had resulted in forgiveness. I also wanted advice on how to approach the situation. I am willing to do what it takes to change my life and I am ashamed of the fact that I have even remotely strayed from the covenants that I made with my wife. I only hope that when I do confess that she will forgive me and that I can rebuild the trust and love that I have damaged. I have been reading the prophet's words and earnestly praying daily that my life will reflect what the Savior taught. I appreciate those of you who have contributed positive and constructive feedback. It helps my resolve to do good by communicating with others on this subject. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 how many people do you know that make porn?oh ...zero?I bet even people that make porn put their pants on one leg at a time, pay their mortages, taxes and live "normal" lives. maybe instead of passing judgement that effort might be focused on missionary work and bring these people the light of Christ.You did not answer the question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 · Hidden Hidden alucar, are you dense or intentionally obtuse? Even moreso, are you REALLY 37? I just can't swallow that. Link to comment
pam Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Oh my heck. Let's get this back to the concerns of the OP. Unfortunately there are some that turn everything into a debate when there is no need. To needsomehelp: Yes I think your wife could forgive you. I think all the things you asked in the end of your OP is possible. It's how much both of you want to work at it. For some it takes more time. But yes I do believe all is possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightSG Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Is there a definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography?What if you make your own, watch it yourselves and don't share? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 What if you make your own, watch it yourselves and don't share?Again, I don't understand. Is there some definition or type of "pornography" that doesn't fulfill the qualities of "evilness"? Might Jesus have made this "private pornography"?I cannot imagine any such thing. I really don't know what you're talking about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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